What games are you playing 2014?

[Grefter]

Using DSFix.  I have been having framerate issues on a bunch of games, pretty sure my CPU is on the way out. 

FFX - Up to cave of the Yojimbro.

[superaielman]

FFT: Done with the Rako portion of the playthrough. May do Ninrako later, skipping it for now. I'll save the long rants, but thieves are absolute piles of shit who can get walled by something as simple as a Knight with counter or a reviver.

Hardest battles:

1. Yardow. By far. I actually had to gain levels for this (Got to 22 for the speed and pa point) and it was still hell. Thieves fear range attacks like little else and that's what everything in this match is.
2. Wiegraf 1. Ugh god. A durable boss with evasion and counter. This sucked.
3. Wiegraf 3. Required some luck due to Wiegraf 2HKOing.
4. Izlude. Had to very, very carefully skate around and kill Izlude's support before dealing with him. I should've had far more resets here than the 3~ I had.
5. Wiegraf 2. Not as bad as his other forms, but he could easily destroy me with evasion and stasis sword. I had to get lucky and dodge his physicals, they just OHKOed my thieves who had neutral sign with him.
6.  Grog. Because thieves hate revivers. The massive ITE damage from guns was bad too.

Velius was obnoxious too due to sign concerns (2 bad, 3 neutral) but he can be baited down.

[NotMiki]

Yojimbro.

Sup homie

[Grefter]

Word.

[Magic Fanatic]

So the sequence of events go, start the game then have to grind.  Later you can do a specific set of things to help pull through an area with a lot of foreknowledge so that you can grind easier later when enemies will auto die because you out level the area.  Then it does this again.

I'm not really going to defend Peaceful Rest Valley, because the first trip through it is honestly the hardest dungeon in the entire game.  That said, while Teddy Bears are helpful, they're not completely *necessary*.  All that you really have to do is be smart about your resources and inventory, and wandering around is typically enough to get through what you need to do.

Do Slingshots hold your physical damage back?  Yes.  Are Teddy Bears helpful?  Of course.  Does the game tell you these things?  Only the second one.

Still, the main point where the game gets easier is when you get that second character.  Nothing else matters quite as much as that - it's something when the next hardest point becomes Magicant, another solo dungeon.

[Luther Lansfeld]

Xenoblade - Acquired Dunban and plodding through the swamp area to get to the High Entia. There sure are a lot of dudes yelling at robots in this game. Xord is hilariously douchey. I'm a little under 12 hours in.

Megaman 10 - Since I've played all the other classic Megaman games, I decided to tackle this one. I took out all of the robot masters. The hardest levels were probably Strike and Commando. Sheep Man's weapon is atrocious trash, but the rest of them seem neat.

New Super Mario Bros. U - Continuing the three player journey, just completed the sixth world. World 5 had a couple of very nasty boss levels which ate through a lot of our team lives. It's interesting how Mario is both easier (only one person of three needs to be alive) and harder (getting in each other's way) on three player. Luigi continues to have a rivalry with Blue Toad. That Blue Toad is a jerk.

[AndrewRogue]

Dishonored: Beat. Low Chaos ending.

Quick summation of things.

-Blink makes the entire goddamn game. Teleporting around in a stealth game is among the most fun things ever.

-Chaos system, having mulled it over and seen the endings, works decently. If you murder tons of people in a city that is already collapsing, things are just gonna sour further, especially when teaching a young empress.

-Seriously, Blink is fucking great.

-Would have been nice if city areas were a bit more sandboxy. Getting blocked by invisible walls, especially while climbing, sucks.

-You know what is awesome? Waiting at the top of a stairwell, Blinking behind him just as he reaches the top, and choking him out.

[Meeplelard]

This next episode is me covering things as I remember them and more just being completely random on what gets covered.  If I don't get your favorite quest, I apologize!  I obviously can't cover them all, though yes, I did more in-game than I present here; these are just the ones that come to mind.

Lightning Returns Abridged: The Side Quest Edition!  Oh, yeah, and there's some plot too...

Gilgamesh: Lightning Returns, the story so...
Lightning: NO!
Gilgamesh: What?
Lightning: I said NO! We are NOT doing that this time around.
Gilgamesh: But, this was to be my big moment!
Lightning: I'm pulling the plug on these segments!
Ultros: So...do I still get my cameo?

*Back at the first day*
Hope: Yeah, Lightning, there are other souls you need to save other than the big ones, they'll make you stronger.
Lightning: Does this mean a montage of sorts of me doing soul collecting?
Hope: It doesn't not mean you won't get a montage that doesn't show you getting Soul Collecting!

*in-determinant time later, at Luxerion*
Kid: Hey there, lady, BET I'M FASTER THAN YOU!
Lightning: OH HELL NO! YOu did not just insult me like that!
Kid: Then I'll race ya!
Lightning: YOU'RE ON!
Hope: ...he's a kid...if 500 years old...you're seriously going to do this?
Lightning: I HAVE DIGNITY TO UPHOLD!
Hope: ...uh-huh...
*one race later*
Kid: Man, Lady, you really are fast! It's like being an athletic adult woman makes you faster than a physically 10 year old boy!
Lightning: You are pretty fast for your age...even if you weren't even close...(and I did kind of cheat but he doesn't need to know that)
*Lightning gets kid's soul*

Woman Hunter: THAT BIG DRAGON OVER THERE KILLED MY FRIENDS! I AM ANGRY OVER IT!
*Lightning kills the dragon*
Woman Hunter: Oh hey thanks!
*Lightning gets soul*

Other Kid: I lost my ball
*Lightning gets ball*
Other Kid: Yay! My life is complete again!
*gets soul*

City Girl: I sell my tears! They make people feel better! Gotta make a living!
Lightning: Why do you cry?
City Girl: Oh, they're not real; I'm just REAAAAAALLLLLYYYY good at acting, see?
Lightning: So you sham people by selling fake tears?
City Girl: No they're real tears, I just don't really cry!
Lightning: I'll only buy your tears if you really cry, I don't think you can do it, you've lost a part of your soul after all!
Hope: Where the hell did THAT come from?
Lightning: SHUT UP HOPE!
Hope: Yes ma'am!
City Girl: *sniff* IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY WON"T YOU BELIEVE ME! I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY! ;_;
Lightning: Ha! Got you to cry for real!  See, you are capable of it.
City Girl: YOU TRICKED ME! Which makes me want to make people happier with my smile, thanks
*soul gained*

Order Dude: So there's these weird boxes put around here by this girl Lumina, I THINK THEY MIGHT BE BOMBS! Can you inspect them for me?
Lightning: Ok.
*inspects*
Lightning: Yeah, there was nothing but useless garbage in them, I should have guessed Lumina would do that.
Order Dude: Hey thanks!
*Soul get!  Going to stop saying that from here on because you get the idea*

Armand: Listen to my story...this...may be our last chance...
Lightning: What?
Armand: I was out of the frying pan, and into the freezer!
Lightning: Umm...
Armand: I realized that day, I was the only one really laughing.  Laughing must have been what kept them going all this time.
Lightning: So...what does this...
Armand: At that point, I thought Sin and Blitzball were the only things Zanarkand and Spira had in common...turns out I wasn't far off.
Lightning: I'm confused...
Armand: Hey, thanks for listening, can I have my quill pen to write this down?
Lightning: If it'll get you to start making sense, yes.

Order Lady: THESE CLOCKS! I MUST INSPECT THEM! I NEED TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE ALRIGHT!
Lightning: What's wrong?
Order Lady: I have to make sure all the clocks are SYNCED UP TO THIS ONE! There are 13 clocks in Luxerion, please check them for me!?
Lightning: uhh...ok...
*Checks*
Lightning: They're all good.
Order Lady: Oh thank goodness! I couldn't live my life if they were different!

Dead Lady #1: ETRO BEING DEAD MEANS MY SOUL CAN'T MOVE ON! ...or was it that people can't be reborn...umm...OOOOOH I'M A GHOST!
Lightning: Right...
*in the graveyard*
Dead Lady #2: Oooh! I'm also a ghost!
Lightning: You were killed because you look like me, weren't you?
Dead Lady #2: HOW DARE YOU INSULT MYKA!  ...and yes, yes I was...BUT I REALLY WAS THE SAVIOR! ...at least, I like to pretend I was...
Lightning: so...can I have that Phantom Rose?
Myka: ok!
*at the clock*
Dead Lady #3: GO AWAY BITCH IT'S YOUR FAULT I'M DEAD!
Lightning: I never met you, how is it my fault.
Dead Lady #3: BECAUSE YOUR PINK HAIR SAVIOR DUH! They killed me because of that! WE CAN"T MOVE ON! BLAH BLAH BLAH LIFESTREAM BLAH BLAH BLAH FARPLANE BLAH BLAH BLAH SOUL!
Lightning: ...did I just save the soul of someone who is already dead?
Hope: I...guess?

Cat named Gem: PLEASE! YOU MUST SAVE MY MASTER!
Lightning: OH GOD! A TALKING CAT!
Gem: Please, get this object and find my master walking around among other cats! He got lost in there thanks to Chaos!
Lightning: Um, ok.
*one fetchquest later, Lightning is told NOT TO BRING THIS TOO CLOSE TO CATS*
Lightning: Ok, there's the boy's body, now to-*Cat steals Object* GET BACK HERE YOU STUPID FELINE!
*after 5 attempts of this, Lightning succeeds, nothing of interest happens so we skip that conversation*

*In Yusnaan*
Seedy: My restaurant is failing
Lightning: Most do, deal with it.
Seedy: Lady, you must help me! EAT MY DISH PLEASE!
Lightning: Uh, ok *eats* tastes good, I guess.
Seedy: FIND GORDON GOURMET! HE CAN SAVE MY RESTAURANT!
*Lightning finds Gordon Gourmet*
Gordon Gourmet: Yes, I can help Seedy's! You just need to do these large number of specific annoying steps that involve running back and forth because I'm a jerk like that.
Lightning: *Sigh*
*back and forth quest later, at Seedy's*
Seedy: Here, eat my food now.
Lightning: THIS IS THE BEST BITE OF FOOD I'VE EVER HAD! I might just lick the plate!  By the way, Gordon Gourmet is your long lost son.
Seedy: WHAT!? I MUST GO MEET HIM!
*one father son reunion later, Lightning gets a soul*

Alchemist: Eheheheh, TRY MY NEW POTION!
Lightning: ...that's poison, isn't it?
Alchemist: OF COURSE NOT! ...though it is made by 2 poisons...but my theory is 2 Poisons will neutralize themselves!
Lightning: That sounds like saying 1 + 1 = 0.
Alchemist: THAT'S MATH THIS IS ALCHEMY! Here, take this potion, try it out and tell me the results.
Lightning: *Sigh* FINE!
*this happens about 3 more times*
Alchemist: Good! Now go use it in the Colosseum so people can see how effective it is!
*Lightning does that*
Alchemist: YES! EVERYONE WANTS MY POTIONS! Here's a free one!
Lightning: I'm just glad I didn't die from all this...
Alchemist: YOU DON'T TRUST ME!?

FUN FACT: I was tempted to write the Alchemist as FEA Miriel, but didn't feel like grabbing a thesaurus and GRE Dictionary to get the speech patterns right.  Sorry for the disappointment.

Hopeless Man: I must get the phone number of the cute Chocobo Girl in the alley! PLEASE GET IT FOR ME!
*at said Chocobogirl*
Chocobo Girl: Good Choco Evening!
Lightning: ...Meow Meow Choco Wow.
Chocobo Girl: EEEEEEEEEE! *hands her fireworks*
Lightning: By the way, can I have your phone number? I might want to call you for...uhh...er...little sister's...birthday party...
Chocobo Girl: Sure!
*at guy*
Hopeless Man: THANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOU!
Lightning: What the hell just happened?

City Lady: You may not believe this, BUT I USE TO BE A CHOCOBO!
Lightning: ...yeah, I'm leaving...
City Lady: No seriously! Then the Chaos hit, and I became human and I lost my friends, they are 6 Chocobo Chicks around the city, YOU MUST FIND THEM SO WE CAN BE REUNITED!
Lightning: ...after 500 years, you're only looking for them now?
City Lady: YES!
Hope: You don't seriously believe her story, do you?
Lightning: What? About her being a chocobo or the fact that she didn't actually look for them until now after 500 years? Because both reek of lies.
*one hunt later*
Lightning: I found your friends.
City Lady: THANKS! *turns into a chocobo*
Lightning: ...
Hope: ...
Lightning: Umm...
Hope: ...yeah...
Lightning: Let us never speak of this again...
Hope: Agreed.

Anxious Man: Hey lady, I got stood up and already had Restaurant Reservations...can you be my date? I just want to watch the Fireworks with someone
Lightning: You got dumped, so you ask a random lady on the street to sit with you?
Anxious: Please ?
Lightning: *Sigh* Fine.
Hope: Put on that Midnight Mauve outfit, you need to look pretty remember.
*At the date*
Anxious Man: So...
Lightning: ...look, I'm just here for the food, not here to make anything important...
Anxious Man: It's not like that! I didn't get dumped! My girl...we were engaged then she died a day later...I just needed something to cheer me up, if only for a night.
Lightning: ...I'm still only here for the steak.

Trumpet Boy: *plays the FF13 theme*
Lightning: Where did you hear that song?
Trumpet Boy: HA! LUMINA WAS RIGHT! YOU FELL FOR IT HOOK LINE AND SINKER!
Lightning: ...
Trumpet Boy: But she only taught me the beginning, can you fine the other parts so I can finish the song?
Lightning: ...I hate Lumina...
*one quest later*
Trumpet Boy: Yay! I can play the whole song.
Lightning: Please play it as possible; it helps remind me of a point when this plot actually made sense...
Trumpet Boy: Sure!

Diva: I can't sing! I only have 362 songs to choose from, I need my Song Writer! He left me years ago!
Lightning: So if I find this guy, you'll sing?
Diva: Yes!
Song Writer: I'm right here, DON'T TELL HER!
Lightning: Can you...give me a new song for her to sing, so you two can make up?
Song Writer: You need to find it since I lost it!
Lightning: So write another?
Song Writer: I can't do that! I LOST ALL INSPIRATION WHEN I LOST IT!
Lightning: ...now I'm starting to see why this world needed a savior...
*Lightning finds song, gives it to the Diva*
Diva: Thanks! I will now sing it for you!
*Diva sings the Serah's theme from FF13-2*
Lightning: That was my favorite song...even though it didn't appear until the 2nd game which was entirely about Serah so this doesn't really fit into that, but continuity, who needs it?
Song Writer: That was beautiful, can we get back together?
Diva: YES!!!

Biggs: Hey lady, look what I got here...
Lightning: I am not that kind of woman...though given my current outfit I could see how you might confuse me as one...God has a sick sense of humor...
Biggs: No! I mean, there's this contest, you are clearly strong, but I bet you can't win i-...
*Lightning wins it effortlessly*
Biggs: ...shutting up.  Hey, Wedge was looking for you though!
*at Wedge*
Wedge: You won't win this DEATH GAME!
Lightning: If I do, you must adhere to any request I make.
Wedge: Fine, but if you fail, we do the same!
*Lightning wins*
Wedge: Well crap, what do you want us to dO?
Lightning: Stop the death games.  You only do it so you get amusement out of people suffering.
Wedge: NO! We do it because people are BORED and it gives them one last hurrah!
Biggs: Seriously!
Lightning: So do something else, like I dunno, go to the streets at night and play Terra;s theme from your first game in our series.
Biggs: Hey, that's a brilliant idea!
Wedge: Let's totally do that!
Hope: ...did they take what you said literally?
Lightning: I...uhh...look, there's a guy playing the song "Final Fantasy" by the station and some guy playing Battle on the Big Bridge near the Augur's Quarter, is that really a stretch?  Heck, one guy is even playing Eternal Wind in the Dead Dunes!
Hope: ...let's just move on.

NOTE: I didn't make any of that up; all 4 of those songs mentioned do in fact appear.

*NOW FOR SOME PLOT, after a sacred phase*
Lightning: ...I'm in my soul again...oh damn it, I can already tell where this is goi-...
Lumina: Hello there ^_^
Lightning: Oh God, if you truly are listening, please save me from this respite.
Lumina: Awww, but we're friends now right ;_: ^_^?
Lightning: No, no we are not.
Lumina: But hey look, the soul of this person wants to tell you something ^_^
Lightning: You mean that cloud?  What, is it going to be Serah and thus a big relevation and...
Lumina: Nope! But hey, all these people want to help you too ^_^ *everyone from before except Caius and Yeul appear*
Lightning: So why don't they?
Lumina: Because they can't, so sad ^_^
Lightning: And who wants to tell me something?
Yeul: I do.
Lightning: ...wait, what? Where did you come from?
Yeul: You wish to defeat god, but one human alone does not have the power to defeat God.
Lightning: I never said I was going to do that! Only if it means getting Serah back...though it does seem increasingly likely this is going to be the case.
Yeul: You must find the truth of your own soul before you can beat God.
Lightning: So...I can't believe I'm about to do this, but Lumina, what is the truth?
Lumina: HEY! You can't do that! That's cheating ^_^
Lightning: *Sigh* back to helping souls I guess...

*Wildlands*
Chocobo Hunter: Hey lady, can you give me these items?
Lightning: Why do you need them?
Chocobo Hunter: Because I'm trying to be a hunter, but I keep failing, I need them to pass!
Lightning: So you're cheating basically...
Chocobo Hunter: No way! They said "by any means necessary!"
Lightning: Lazy bastard.
Chocobo Hunter: Look, when you fail a contest 100 times before, you tell me you wouldn't resort to alternative methods.
Lightning: I take that back, you're quite determined, I admire that! How do you fail 100 times and persist?
Chocobo Hunter; You mean that's NOT normal?

Sarala: So...my dad never came back from getting fertilizer.
Lightning: I'll go look for him!
*Lightning finds some guy with weird glasses*
Lightning: Are you Sarala's dad?
Totally Not Sarala's Dad: NOPE! But I can help you out with him.  Take this fertilizer and letter her and she'll understand!
*at the village*
Lightning: So...your dad is dead, and gave me this letter and stuff.
Sarala: Oh, that's ashame, I guess I'll have to live on his legacy!
Hope: You do realize that probably was her dad right?
Lightning: yeah, but we have other things to do!

Cranky Old Man: GO AWAY!
Lightning: Can I use your field to grow some greens?
Cranky Old man: FINE! It'll take half a day but leave me alone!
*Lightning grows some Tantal Greens*
Cranky Old Man: Can you do me a favor and give me some of Sarala's Gyshal Greens? I need to compare the taste of my Tantals to her Gyshals!
Lightning: Isn't this Chocobo Feed?  Don't tell me you're really a chocobo in disguise because I've already met one woman like that and believe me, my brain still has not recovered.
Cranky Old Man: WHAT'S WRONG WITH EATING CHOCOBO FOOD!?
*he eats it*
Cranky Old Man: There's no comparison, hers is better.  You can use my field whenever you want, thanks! Tell my grand daughter...er...I mean...SARALA, yes, THAT GIRL WHO HAS NO RELATION TO ME THANKS!

Totally Not Sarala's Dad: What do you want?
Lightning: You're her father, aren't you?
Totally Not Sarala's Dad: No I'm not! ...is it that obvious?
Lightning: Yes, yes it is; why would you care so much about her?
Sarala's Dad: Look, I left so she could grow into a REAL MAN!
Lightning: ...
Sarala's Dad: er...I mean, WOMAN!  Yes, so she can be a STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN!  ...also so I could find my mysteriously missing wife...
Lightning: Why not just tell her so she didn't worry?
Sarala's Dad: Pfft, like that'll happen! My father did the same thing afterall!
Lightning: Hmm...
*at the Research Camp*
Lightning: You're Sarala's Granddad, aren't you?
Cranky Old Man: SHHH! NOT SO LOUD!!! YES I AM!
Lightning: ...yeah, your son left his daughter and is doing the same thing...
Cranky Old Man: Oh did he? I better give him a smacking for...ni front of Sarala...go tell them to meet me at Aryas Village.
*one reunion later, Lightning solves this silly family crisis*

Moogle: Look for my friends, Kupo!  I lost them in the forest 10 days ago, Kupo!
Lightning: Why not just fly over the forest and look at them from there?
Moogle: I never thought of that! ...but I'm scared of heights, kupo.
Lightning: Ok, fine, I'll go find them.
*in the forest*
Lost Moogle: Kupo, help me get home!
Lightning: Why not just fly above the forest and fight your home that way?
Lost Moogle: Kupo! I never thought of that! Still, can you help?
Lightning: Gladly!
*Lightning throws the Moogle all the way through the forest into Lower Earth Orbit, somehow landing in the forest...no, really, she does this.  Repeat this scene twice more, and back to the village*
Hope: Wow, Lightning, you threw those Moogles further than Serah! *actual line of dialog*
Moogle: Thanks Kupo! Where'd you guys go?
Lost Moogle: You told us you had to get something back at the village and wait exactly where we were, Kupo, so we did!  But then you never came, but still we waited!
Moogle: Oh...kupo...I guess I forgot, because I saw a giant monster, Kupo!
Lightning: SO this is entirely your fault? *sigh*

*now back to the plot, after another sacred phase*
Lightning: I'm back in my soul again...oh great, don't tell me...
Cid Raines: Hi there.
Lightning: LUMI-...oh, wait, hi Cid...what are you doing here?
Cid: I am not actually Cid, this is just the form I took, I am an empty vessel formed by the Chaos to speak for the Chaos.
Lightning: Wait, so the Chaos is finally going to talk to me?  You mean I might actually get some ANSWERS to all this nonsense?
Cid: Yes, actually.  All human souls come from the Chaos, thereby, when a human dies, they go back to the Chaos, and then inhabit a new body and form a new being.  Such is the cycle of life.
Lightning: Meaning...?
Cid: Souls don't actually disappear in the Chaos.  God cannot stop the Chaos because it is stronger and more natural force than him.  It is the natural cycle of things.
Lightning: ...so it's the Lifestream.
Cid: NO! IT IS TOTALLY NOT THE LIFESTREAM! THE LIFESTREAM IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN THIS!
Lightning: Ok, give me one difference.
Cid: Well...uhh...er...the Lifestream is Green, Chaos is black! SEE!? TOTALLY DIFFERENT!
Lightning: Right...
Cid: Anyway, the Soul Song will save the souls of those lost in the Chaos, but if God creates a new world, all is lost, he wants the Chaos gone.
Lightning: So the souls I saved aren't the only ones that could be saved, dead people can be saevd too, but I have to make sure God doesn't have his way, because Serah's soul is in there?
Cid: Something like that, however, you cannot defeat God as you are now because you use God's power!  That's like using a Fire spell to beat the Fiend of Fire!  But then, I don't think anyone is THAT stupid!
Lightning: So I need to use the power of Chaos are you saying?
Cid: Yes.
Lightning: Ok, easy enough.  Just call up Vincent from FF7, and the entire villain cast from Dissidia, and I think I'm good.
Cid: ...what?
Lightning: ...what, all Chaos' aren't created equally?
Cid: Look, you can tap into the power of Chaos, though not easily, but first you must find THAT PART OF YOUR SOUL THAT IS LOST!
Lightning: ...crap, I'm apparently not good at this whole "find lost soul" thing.
Cid: Anyway, I've done my part, later!
Hope: Lightning, what was that all about?
Lightning: Nothing you need to worry about, just reminiscing, you didn't hear a thing.  Though I can say it's nice someone finally actually said something meaningful!

Odin: Will Lightning tap into the power of Chaos? Will Lightning end up fighting God?
Chisato: Wait, when did Moppy get into this?
Morty: Hey look, I tried to warn him, but he wouldn't listen...
Odin: well, I figured because Ultros and Gilgamesh had a cameo that...
Nate Nanjo: NO! I am NOT paying you guys for this, OFF NOW!

[Captain K.]

Child of Light:  Started.



Verse.  Oy.

Game did a nice job of subverting my expectations so far.  I'm like okay, there's platforms that are slightly out of reach, we'll be getting a double-jump abiity soon like every other platformer... WTF we can fly?  With no time limit?

[Tide]

Finished re-routing ACF. My only conclusion is that Ichigo is god. Finished with 8:20:52. Somehow, I am 42 minutes slower than him. Brb, committing sodoku

[Meeplelard]

Lightning Returns: The End of the Beginning of the End

Jecht: Lightning Returns, the story so far!
Garland: Chaos knocked Etro down!
Cloud of Darkness: Then people lived their lives, useless in the Void, for 500 years.
Emperor: Then God wished to take over through usage of the Savior.
Kuja: That Savior being the fabulous Lightning to bring about the final act~
Sephiroth: Using her sister as bait to do his bidding...
Ultimecia: And the Hope, whom had his Time Kompressed to watch over God's Super Komputer.
Kefka: But God betrayed Lightning like any good deity should, uwehehehe
Ex-death: And now Lightning wants to throw God INTO THE VOID!
Golbez: By using the power of Chaos itself against that which told her to destroy it!
Gabranth: And so, our story continues, ONE LAST TIME, TO OBLIVION!
Lightning: ...did...did we just have a coherent explanation of this game's plot?
Hope: Oh just go save the world already.

*12th day*
Lightning: Well, I'm off.
Hope: I guess should say good bye, THIS IS OUR LAST TIME TOGETHER!
Lightning: What?
Hope: ...nothing...
*Lightning does whatever on the 12th day because she's basically killed all monsters and such*
*Final Sacred Phase*
Lightning: Huh, Yggdrasil grew another fruit...
Hope: What!? A new day has formed!? One God didn't expect...of course! It's all the lost time from the previous days!  There were 26 hours in a day, then Chaos appeared, and it's 24 hours, but the lost 2 hours of each day have formed a new day, you have ONE MORE CHANCE LIGHTNING!
Lightning: One more chance for what? I completed just about everything and...
Hope: There's a new dungeon that spawned!
Lightning: ...yeah, screw that, I'm just going to get money in the Wild Lands or something...
*Wild Lands*
Gysahl: Savior! OUR TOWN IS UNDER ATTACK BY A CHOCOBO EATER AND CHAOS! SAVE US!
Lightning: Bob, let's go!
Bob: Kweh!
*Battle against a chocobo played to this song*
Lightning: I couldn't save your friends, Bob *said while standing over dead Chocobos* ...can I save their souls so I get a last minute stat boost though?
Bob: Kweh!

*The extra day passes*
Hope: Lightning, listen, I have to go now.  I existed to be God's eyes and ears, but now he doesn't need more anymore.
Lightning: Hope, no, don't go!
Hope: Sorry, don't have a choice, good bye Lightning!
*Hope disappears*
Lightning: ...now who am I going to talk to in the base for last minute provisions?
Mog: Kupo! Hi Lightning, I found my way here! I can run stuff, don't worry Kupo!
Lightning: ...I guess that answers that...

LUXERION, THE FINAL DAY


Lightning: ...where'd that moon come from?
Lumina: Oh, that's just God's sense of humor ^_^
Lightning: Ok, look, the world's about to end, can you just make sense for once?
Lumina: Ok! Souls live in the Chaos only because people remember them, and likewise, people only remember souls because they exist!  So when a soul is killed, it's like the person never existed, EVER, PERIOD. END OF STORY! ^_^
Lightning: Except for all written documentation that would suggest the person in question existed...
Lumina: NEVER. EXISTED. EVER!!!! ^_^
Lightning: ...
Lumina: ...ok, fine, you're right, but what good is written documentation when THE WHOLE WORLD GOES BOOM AND A NEW ONE IS CREATED!? You think God is going to rewrite all those medical bills and stuff by hand? ^_^
Lightning: Well, he IS God...
Lumina: STOP POINTING OUT OBVIOUS FLAWS IN GOD'S PLAN AND JUST GO BEAT HIM ALREADY! ^_^
Lightning: Aren't we skipping stuff?
Lumina: Oh, right! So what do you think God's plan with the Soulsong is ^_^?
Lightning: He wants to kill all souls to erase all memories who didn't come to start fresh, I take it?
Lumina: Yep! He thinks that will MAKE HUMANS STRONGER!!!! ^_^
Lightning: Ok, so stop the Soulsong, then kick God's ass.
Lumina: Also, note that Vanille can actually save all the souls of the dead too, she just needs to guide them to the Ark ^_^
Lightning: So...off to save the world...except the world's doomed anyway, so off to...save...my dignity?  Yeah, let's go with that.
Lumina: No, wait! Don't leave me here alone, please ;_;
Lightning: Did you...suddenly have a complete 180 turn in character?
Lumina: I don't want to be left alone ;_;
Lightning: Sorry, but I got a job to do.
Lumina: ;_;
*Lumina fades away while Lightning leaves*

*in the temple*
Sanctum Soldier: It's the savior! KILL HER EVEN THOUGH WE'RE SUPPOSE TO WORSHIP HER!
Lightning: You? With a gun? Do you realize how many far bigger threats I've taken down in the past 13 days alone? And you don't even have a name, what chance do you have against me!
Sanctum Soldier: BRING IN THE TWO CHIMERAS!
Lightning: ...ok, I should probably have just kicked his ass.  Time for a boss fi-...
*Noel slices one of the Chimeras out of nowhere*
Noel: I thought you're on the Order's side, SAVIOR!?
Lightning: Plans have changed...
Noel: Really *holds knife to Lightning* Well, there's only one reason you'd have a complete change of heart like this...
Lightning: Try me...
*Noel turns around and attacks order soldiers, Lightning mirror's actions*
Noel: Go on ahead, I'll hold things off here. I'm the SHADOW HUNTER after all!

*Lightning beats up Angels, Monkeys, and Egyptian Demonic Dog things, comes across some corpses*
Lightning: Huh, looks like someone beat me to the punch...WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ENEMIES IN HERE STILL!?  Gee, I wonder who could have done this? Maybe someone close to Vanille who hasn't lost his or her spirit these past years and has been clearly against the Order the entire time...but nah, there's no one like that left out there.
Fang: Hey, Lightning, wanna give me a hand here?
Lightning: Oh, right, sure thing Fang!
*The two beat up Chimeras, then go off to the inner ritual room*
Vanille: Souls, here my song, I will release you!
High Priestess: YES! DO IT SAINT! GOD'S WILL IS ABSOLUTE! ALL IS ONE! ONE IS ALL! THOU ART THEE ART THY ART SING THE DAMN SONG DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!
Fang: No! Vanille, don't do it! You'll die!
Vanille: If I have to die to save many souls, I'll do it!
Lightning: Yeah, about that saving thing...it's not happening.  God's trying to kill all those souls so we forget about them, and you'll have died for absolutely nothing.
Vanille: What?
Lightning: Listen to the voices of the dead, Vanille, and tell me what they say.
High Priestess: DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! THEY'RE HERETICS! GOD'S WILL DEMANDS IT!
Vanille: I hear sadness...and fear...but also hope...and not one of them wants to die...how can I go through with this now?
Lightning: You can still make use of your gifts, Vanille; send the Souls to the ark.  There they will be transferred to the new world and can rejoin the cycle of rebirth, just as they'd want.
High Priestess: NO! GOD'S WILL DEMANDS OTHERWISE! HOLY CLAVIS DO IT!
Fang: How the hell did she activate the Holy Clavis when it's required the Soulsong by Vanille to do it?
Lightning: Who cares, just destroy the Clavis!
Fang: I'm trying, but everything is in the way, if only we had some form of air support.
*Skylight smashes*
Snow: HEROES ALWAYS WIN!!!!!!
*grabs Fang's lance and smashes Clavis*
Snow: See? I totally came, just 5 centuries late! *rough actual line of dialog*
Lightning: Glad you could make it.
Fang: So Vanille, you wanna make like Yuna and perform a sending?
Vanille: YES!
*Vanille sends the souls to the ark*
Fang: You did well, Vanille.
Vanille: Thanks Fang.
*both girls give their Souls to Lightning and die*
Snow: Well, guess it's time for the new world.
Lightning: Serah, were you among one of those souls?
*Yeul and Lumina show up*
Yeul: No, Serah's soul is elsewhere...
Lumina: It was inside you all the time ^_^
Yeul: But it was cut out of you.
Lightning: So where is Serah's soul now?
Lumina: ^_^
Lightning: I see...you've been watching over Serah's soul this entire time, haven't you?
Lumina: Oh, I'm just an empty vessel who didn't want to see Serah die, so I did you a favor ^_^
Lightning: Heh, well, glad to see she's still around...I guess I have to thank you...god damn it...
Lumina: Say it ^_^
Lightning: ...thanks...
Lumina: Well, time to go, good bye ^_^
Yeul: Yes, good bye.
Lightning: Mission Accomplished, but I can't feel I'm forgetting something...
Hope: PRAISED TO BE YEVON BHUNIVELZE AND GOD'S WILL! IT IS TIME FOR A NEW WORLD!
Lightning: ...oh, right, God...wait, Hope, YOU'RE God!?
Hope: I have taken Hope for my choosing, you will all be saved but have gone against my will!
*Vanille and Fang's souls go back to their own bodies, they come back to life*
Fang: ...what the hell? This is literally the 3rd time I've practically died and been come back to life!
Hope: PRAISE BE TO GOD!
*"Hope" steals the souls of Vanille, Fang and Snow*
Lightning: ...ok, I get it, you want me to follow you, since I'm the only one who can *Sigh*
Mog: Wait, Kupo! I can help too!
Lightning: No, Mog, you stay here, I need you as a convenient shop as I beat up these 4 optional trials for useless spells!
Mog: Ok, Kupo!

*Lightning does the 4 trials, and then gets Ultima Weapon and Ultima Shield*
Lumina's Voice: One last gift from Serah, she wants you to use this to defeat God, awesome right?
Lightning: Let's just see how strong this really i-*2500 Attack and Magic, and boosts Army of ONe, when Lightning has been uses weapons less than half that power* ...ok, that'll work.
Mog: Lightning, be careful Kupo!
Lightning: Don't worry, God won't know what hit him!
*Lightning goes through the doors*
Bhunivelze: *manipulating Hope's body* Ah, Savior, you've finally arrived! Now are you willing to...*gets hit by a projectile Moogle* OW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?
Lightning: See Mog? Told you God wouldn't know what hit him!
Mog: @_@
Bhunivelze: I will forgive this INSOLENCE if you...
Lightning: Become the new Goddess of Death and replace Etro because someone has to hold Chaos back.  Gee, that really worked well last time, don't you think maybe you should do something different?
Bhunivelze: SILENCE! Do you accept?
Lightning: No, seriously, why is it you need a LESSER Goddess to deal with Chaos when your power is absolute? You just really suck at this don't you?  You don't even understand the first things about humans.
Bhunivelze: YES I DO! They make good puppets see!? *starts playing with Hope's body like a muppet* SEE!? THEY'RE GREAT TOYS! Wouldn't you want to do the same?
Lightning: No, I'd rather stay the way I am, thanks.
Bhunivelze: Then I suppose you must...die! LINDZEI! PULSE! COME TO ME!
Lightning: Oooh, how cute, you're using TWO OTHER GODS to help you fight one little ole' mortal like me?  Just what kind of Omnipotent, All Powerful God of Light are you?
Bhunivelze: SILENCE! YOU WILL DIE OR BECOME THE GODDESS OF DEATH!
Lightning: Oh, I'll become the Goddess of Death, but not the one you want...
Bhunivelze: Wait, don't tell me...
Lightning: Your sins lay heavy upon you, DEFILER OF SOULS! By the Holy Law, YOU SHALL BE OBLITERATED!

*Final Boss fight sequence*
Bhunivelze: Now you will see my true power!
*laser beams and attacks*
Lightning: ...seriously? That's your best? Those Egyptian Dog things and Angels I fought just before this hit harder than you.  Got anything else.
Bhunivelze: Yes, I do.
*Almagust*
Lightning: And now you're ripping off Ex-death.
Bhunivelze: YOU DARE MOCK MY ORIGINAL ATTACKS!?
*Starfall*
Lightning: Emperor Mateus now...
*Ultima*
Lightning: Oooh, Kuja now!
Bhunivelze: DAMN IT! I CAN TOTALLY BE ORIGINAL!
*Heartless Angel*
Lightning: Wow, you ripped off 2 villains with that one!  A clown and a pretty boy!
Bhunivelze: YOU DARE MOCK MY ORIGINALITY!?
*Hype Nova*
Bhunivelze: HA! No one used that move yet!
Lightning: Look, just because you change the word "Super" to "Hyper" isn't the same as making a new attack.  Heck, it even looks the same as the original version!  What's next, going to hit me with a Big Bang because you're God and such?  Or throw Super Elemental attacks to show you CONTROL THE CHAOS even though you don't?
Bhunivelze: Of course not! (...mostly because I haven't mastered Big Bang yet, can't get the anti-gravity lightning bolts to work right...)
Lightning: Heck, most of your attacks are pretty much just rip offs of Particle Beams with fancy names!
Bhunivelze: As if you have an original Trade Mark attack! HA! LET'S SEE YOU COME UP WITH ONE!
*Lightning hits Bhunivelze with Army of One, fight ends*
Lightning: Created that move back in FF13! Original then, and still the only one to use it! You've had 3 games to come up with ideas and all you can do is rip off other Final Fantasy villains!  Seriously, you suck.
Bhunivelze: GOD'S WILL IS ABSOLUTE! NO HUMAN CAN STOP ME!
Lightning: You never could see in the heart of humans, otherwise you'd never have taken a soul of one into you, because he's legitimately holding you back...ok, not really, but I like that excuse!
Bhunivelze: What!? HOW COULD YOU KNOW!?
Lightning: Because I'M AWESOME! I'm taking Hope's soul back by the way!
*Hope Materializes*
Hope: Huh? Why am I alive, in physical form despite lacking a body and...still 16 years old? Damn it, what happened to my sexy adult self that basically ruled the world with science?
Lightning: We'll figure that part out later!  Right now, I need to seal that angry god in the Chaos, and go with him because SOMEONE needs to hold it off.
Hope: You know, I'm sure there is an alternative to this.
Lightning: NO! I MUST DO IT NOW!

*Lightning does fancy stuff and ends up inside her mind again*
Lightning: Serah, you're here...no wait...that's not Serah...that's me...
*Lightning sitting in that crystal thrown, locked by Chaos*
Serah: Lightning, I'm not the real Serah, I'm a fragment made by God, but...I tried my hardest to be the real Serah! So you could find that part of yourself! Honest!
Lightning: That doesn't begin to make sense...
Fake Serah: Truth is, it wasn't God who cut away Serah from your soul...
Lightning: What?
Fake Serah: It was you who did it.  Long ago, you cut out all the things that made you "weak" so you could grow up and become stronger!  Your attachment to Serah was one of them.
Lightning: Ok, no, that's a complete wash as it completely undermines ALL THE DEVELOPMENT I HAD IN FF13 and the limited screen time I had in FF13-2.  You can't force an "Oh, I cut out my emotions!" angle now when that clearly was not the case in the previous games.
Fake Serah: But that's what the script says!  Anyway, that part of you did live on but not in God...
Lightning: Huh?
Lumina: ^_^
Fake Serah: Yes, that was really you; young, childish, weak...
Lightning: Only two of those words sum up Lumina...
Fake Serah: Still! In thinking like Serah, I can tell you this isn't what Serah wants, and that this isn't what you want!  There's another way, and I'm sure Serah loves you with all her heart, as you should do with her!
Lightning: Oh god, did I seriously get written into a lesbian incest story? Because no, THAT'S NOW HOW I WANT MY STORY TO END!
Fake Serah: Go now, Lightning, back out of the Chaos!
Hope: Finally got you! See, I can reach!
Lightning: Thanks...

*Bhunivelze Breaks out of Chaos*
Lightning: So...let's kill God.
Hope: Ok!
*Bhunivelze fires danmaku laser beams at Lightning and Hope*
Lightning: NO! I WON'T LET YOU BEAT ME! But there's a lot of laser beams destroying planets...
Snow: THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR A HERO!
*punches away a beam, Shiva Sisters block another two*
Fang: You can count on us!
Vanille: Right!
*Fang and Vanille do similar things with their Eidolons*
Noel: ...damn it, I wish I had an Eidolon! STupid appearing only in the sequel.
*Smacks away some beams*
Lightning: It wasn't me alone that beat you God...oh, hi Odin!
*Odin, blocking beams, gives a slightly annoyed face at Lightning for nearly forgetting him*
Lightning: IT WAS THE POWER OF HUMANITY! ...even though I clearly fought you solo and that line makes no sense here because really all we're doing is fancy shenanigans when you'er clearly losing and I could solo you, but STILL, POWER OF HUMANITY!
Bhunivelze: YOU CANNOT DEFY GOD'S WILL!
Lightning: It shall be engraved upon your soul! Divine Assault! DEUS EX MACHINA!
*Bhunivelze dies*

Snow: So...what do we do now?
Lightning: Create a world that doesn't need Gods using the souls of everyone over there in that big white ball of stuff.
*Sazh and Dajh appear out of there*
Sazh: Did I miss the party...AGAIN!?
Lightning: Now if only Serah were here...
Noel; Just believe hard enough and she'll be here!
Lightning: Like that will wo-...
Serah: *in her FF13-2 outfit, with Mog* hi sis, I'm back!
Mog: Kupo!
Lightning: ...I've seen weirder crap, I won't lie.  SERAH!!!
Vanille: So what will happen to the souls in the Chaos...
Caius: The Souls will move on, and they need someone to guide them.
Army of Yeuls: Yes, we will guide them, all of us.
Noel: OH NO YOU DON'T! YOU ARE NOT TAKING YEUL!
Caius: Trying to stop me!
Noel: YES!
*Caius grabs Noel by the throat*
Noel: Kill me, I dare ya!
Caius: You will take her place in the Chaos, is that fine?
Noel: If it means she lives, of course!
Caius: *smirk* Then take good care of her *lets go of Noel*
Noel: I will!
*Noel rockets back to the team, Yeul appears in his arms*
Army of Yeuls: She is the last of us, and the only one not bound by the fate of the Seeress!
Sazh: So about creating that new world thing...
Lightning: Right, let's do it! A world that doesn't need Gods...or Crystals...
Vanille: Shouldn't we say good bye to our Eidolons which haven't been relevant for 2 games?
*the team says good bye*
Fang: Wait, is this scene a rip off of FF6's ending or FF10's ending?
Vanille: Yes.

Lightning Narration: And so a new world was created.  One without Crystals or Gods.  One where humans can strive to be what they want.  That was a long time ago though...long before you were even born!

*credits rolling*
EPILOGUE!!!!

Lightning: So the adventure is over, but a new one is bound to start.
*Lightning gets off train, dressed in normal every day clothing*
Lightning: It's a new world out there!
*Pan over planet that is CLEARLY NOT EARTH IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM WHATSOEVER THIS IS TOTALLY A DIFFERENT PLANET WE SWEAR*

The End

Onion Knight: So...anyone know what the hell we just watched?
Zidane: I dunno, I stopped paying attention 10 minutes in and just kept an eye out for all the pretty girls.
Squall: Typical...
Cecil: Does this game preach Light or Darkness? I mean, they killed the God of Light but are all still "WE MUST STRIVE TO THE LIGHT." I'm getting mixed signals here...
Terra: I think there may have been something to do with Love conquers all and follow your dreams but...
Firion: ...that would require any of these characters to have dreams to begin with.  Did you see any mention of it?
Cloud: Look, if there is a moral in this story, I don't think anyone of us is capable of figuring it out.
Bartz: Oh, I know! The God of Light was the main character and trying to save everyone, right?
Warrior of Light: NO ONE DIGNIFY THAT WITH A RESPONSE!
Tidus: I think it's just safe to say the Story ends here?
Shantotto: The story will never end, until the will of Toriyama bends!

---
For those wondering, a serious rating I'm considering giving the game is 3/10.  It did hold my attention to be fair, so I might be generous and give a 4/10 because I could play it for a while, but that was partially me just trying to get to the end ASAP and it's a huge time sink, and I'm not sure I was actually having fun.

[Dark Holy Elf]

FF6 Eviltype - Beat Zozo. I tried to limit myself in terms of grabbing Rages, I only used Leap three times and didn't get any of the true powerhouse options. The ones I've used most since are Templar (Auto-Safe + Fire 2), Lobo (2x power physical, every time), Brawler (Auto-Berserk, 2x physical or Stone), Bleary (Doom), and Trilium (Bio), although a couple of others have had a chance to shine. (No Stray Cat, Marshal, or Rhodox, though.)

Narshe battle - 2 resets. Not much to say here, bungled things a couple times. Eventually beat it with a team of Edgar/Sabin to hold one end and Terra/Celes/Locke/Gau as the main/boss-fighting team. Kefka was actually pretty easy with this team, Runic + another healer + good physicals out of Genji Glove Locke and Lobo Gau worked nicely.

Picked Celes/Locke/Edgar/Gau as my Zozo team. Locke's stealing has been pretty useful for financing my team especially with the reduced encounters, and hey he can output decent offence at least thanks to how powerful his weapons are... outdamages Cyan AND I can choose who he targets, although he is fragile. With little chance of Fire Dance before I'm done the Magitek Factory Sabin isn't an appealing choice either.

Dadaluma - 1 reset. I let this fight get out of control and an Iron Fist hits me with Slow 2 which is -horrifying-. One Running Shoes isn't enough when Dadaluma can (and does) OHKO my hasted PC with a throw. Second try I come back and apply the same strategy to him, using the Cirpius rage for Slow/Haste 2 (Gau later dies and I revive him to use Templar) which is amazing since he's vulnerable to slow. I use that and Bio Blaster's seizure to win. EDIT: Oh yes and Dadaluma died from seizure while in the middle of using Jump. This was pretty hilarious. *screen randomly flashes and all enemies disintegrate in a red haze with no visible cause*

[Sierra]

Drakengard 3: Oh right, this exists. I'll totally get back to alphaville later, right (gaming time has been minimal lately anyway). So within the first ten minutes of the game I've been hit on by my sister and watched a dragon take a gigantic dump. Also later you recruit a UOM that walks around on peg legs and constantly talks about sex and whose bio outright tells you that he has a gigantic dick (thanks for that game). Keepin' it classy, Cavia-in-exile. Most of the humor is flat out not funny and I have no idea why anyone's doing anything. The protagonist is openly and unrepentantly psychopathic.

Dragon fighting is terribad (and constitutes every plot boss so far) but on-foot hacky slashy is okay. You have four weapon types that basically serve different purposes (speed/power/crowd control/range, spears don't necessarily >>> everything like in Nier), and can switch between them instantly without needing to fiddle with menus at all, which is cool. Not earthshattering gameplay or anything but it's perfectly functional. The camera is an intractable foe, however.

The environmental textures aren't any better than they were in Nier. Also your character accumulates bloodspatters in combat a la Dragon Age, except it looks even more ridiculous here because you're running around in lingerie.

Last night I fought the obligatory killer baby and then there were rocket rhinos or something. I don't even know.

So yeah it's pretty much what you'd expect. Oh, weapon stories are back too.

[superaielman]

I bioblaster every WoB boss myself for that reason, Elfboy. Every little bit helps. I also need to break down and use Rage Gau at some point. Locke's fun in the WoB in general, though his niche vanishes in the WoR. His weapons stop being so relatively overpowered, defensive setups get better and he's competiting against fixed dice.

FF6 Eviltype- At the end of the world of balance. Beat Colossus in the early 20's. Poison did all the heavy lifting there. Been using Strago and Relm. The latter's funnily tanky (Memento ring+Marvel shoes) but not all that good, she just joins too late and too underpowered. Sketch is funny but has the same issues it did in Vanilla with not being that powerful. It's worth using at least once for all the goofy off the wall shit you can see though. ET Strago definitely is a good choice for the FC. The status rages (Including Discord) shithouse a lot of the dangerous FC fights, and Mag8 is excellent damage. I'll see how he holds up in the WoR.

This remains my favorite fanhack ever, just adds tons of replay and value to FF6. I'll see how the WoR goes. I remember Chadernook being an absolute bitch to kill early, but I want Strago and Relm in my team asap.

[The Duck]

Drakengard 3: Oh right, this exists. I'll totally get back to alphaville later, right (gaming time has been minimal lately anyway). So within the first ten minutes of the game I've been hit on by my sister and watched a dragon take a gigantic dump. Also later you recruit a UOM that walks around on peg legs and constantly talks about sex and whose bio outright tells you that he has a gigantic dick (thanks for that game). Keepin' it classy, Cavia-in-exile. Most of the humor is flat out not funny and I have no idea why anyone's doing anything. The protagonist is openly and unrepentantly psychopathic.

Dragon fighting is terribad (and constitutes every plot boss so far) but on-foot hacky slashy is okay. You have four weapon types that basically serve different purposes (speed/power/crowd control/range, spears don't necessarily >>> everything like in Nier), and can switch between them instantly without needing to fiddle with menus at all, which is cool. Not earthshattering gameplay or anything but it's perfectly functional. The camera is an intractable foe, however.

The environmental textures aren't any better than they were in Nier. Also your character accumulates bloodspatters in combat a la Dragon Age, except it looks even more ridiculous here because you're running around in lingerie.

Last night I fought the obligatory killer baby and then there were rocket rhinos or something. I don't even know.

So yeah it's pretty much what you'd expect. Oh, weapon stories are back too.

Everyone talks about sex very casually in this game, and all of the disciples are one note like this, whether it be penis size, love of BDSM, or just general psychopathic violence. The sisters are also a bundle of neuroses. The only character who isn't immoral is your immature dragon sidekick, and Zero and other characters only have contempt for him.

The game doesn't get any funnier, relying on general misanthropy or gross-out humor. Later there are stupid platforming segments that Zero notes are stupid, but the game still put them in. They're not incredibly obstructive or difficult to get through but they are pointless and apparently the developers know they're pointless because they have the characters talk about how pointless they are. Characters also whine about how enemies seem to never stop coming, pointing out how repetitive fighting the same dudes is. Again, is this supposed to be poking fun at these tropes in general or is it the creators of the game making fun of themselves for the game they're giving you? It's just kind of odd.

The game is pretty bad, and I played through it despite just tolerating the gameplay and not caring very much about the story. It's ugly looking and technically very clumsy. Despite all this, I played all the branches other than D (which I just youtubed because fuck that), and I don't have a clear reason why.

[Sierra]

Yeah, that's all pretty accurate. The only genuine laugh the game's got out of me was a moment of silence that went on so long as to forcibly recall the Rake Scene.

[Niu]

Lightning: Ok, give me one difference.

Life Stream won't destroy the planet no matter how much it is culminated. Chaos will.
Second, life doesn't need Chaos to be born.

BTW, Bhuni ripped off Kefka on three occasion.
Bhuni has not just Heartless Angel, but also Havoc Wing and Dancing Mad.

[Niu]

Drakengard 3: Oh right, this exists. I'll totally get back to alphaville later, right (gaming time has been minimal lately anyway). So within the first ten minutes of the game I've been hit on by my sister and watched a dragon take a gigantic dump. Also later you recruit a UOM that walks around on peg legs and constantly talks about sex and whose bio outright tells you that he has a gigantic dick (thanks for that game). Keepin' it classy, Cavia-in-exile. Most of the humor is flat out not funny and I have no idea why anyone's doing anything. The protagonist is openly and unrepentantly psychopathic.

Dragon fighting is terribad (and constitutes every plot boss so far) but on-foot hacky slashy is okay. You have four weapon types that basically serve different purposes (speed/power/crowd control/range, spears don't necessarily >>> everything like in Nier), and can switch between them instantly without needing to fiddle with menus at all, which is cool. Not earthshattering gameplay or anything but it's perfectly functional. The camera is an intractable foe, however.

The environmental textures aren't any better than they were in Nier. Also your character accumulates bloodspatters in combat a la Dragon Age, except it looks even more ridiculous here because you're running around in lingerie.

Last night I fought the obligatory killer baby and then there were rocket rhinos or something. I don't even know.

So yeah it's pretty much what you'd expect. Oh, weapon stories are back too.

Everyone talks about sex very casually in this game, and all of the disciples are one note like this, whether it be penis size, love of BDSM, or just general psychopathic violence. The sisters are also a bundle of neuroses. The only character who isn't immoral is your immature dragon sidekick, and Zero and other characters only have contempt for him.

The game doesn't get any funnier, relying on general misanthropy or gross-out humor. Later there are stupid platforming segments that Zero notes are stupid, but the game still put them in. They're not incredibly obstructive or difficult to get through but they are pointless and apparently the developers know they're pointless because they have the characters talk about how pointless they are. Characters also whine about how enemies seem to never stop coming, pointing out how repetitive fighting the same dudes is. Again, is this supposed to be poking fun at these tropes in general or is it the creators of the game making fun of themselves for the game they're giving you? It's just kind of odd.

The game is pretty bad, and I played through it despite just tolerating the gameplay and not caring very much about the story. It's ugly looking and technically very clumsy. Despite all this, I played all the branches other than D (which I just youtubed because fuck that), and I don't have a clear reason why.

It is Yokototaro being Yokotoraro, offending the players only because he can. He does terrible thing and make sure you recognize it being horrible. On top of that he takes this very seriously. He is trying to pump out as much malice as he can in this title.
And if you are playing this not knowing one, it only means you have been infected and become one of the Red Eyes, secretly enjoying the masochistic pleasure delivered by this game.

[Meeplelard]

BTW, Bhuni ripped off Kefka on three occasion.
Bhuni has not just Heartless Angel, but also Havoc Wing and Dancing Mad.

Definitely didn't call it either of those in the English version; it was mostly a bunch of a Latin (?) names with Almagust, Heartless Angel, Hyper Nova, and a big fancy name of an attack whose name eludes me in the 2nd form.

EDIT: Technically, Ultima is a Kefka rip off too, for all that I creditted it to Kuja there mostly because Kuja's is more memorable, and it added one more villain into the "rip off" count.  Yes, I know Bartandelus had it in at least one form too.

[Niu]

BTW, Bhuni ripped off Kefka on three occasion.
Bhuni has not just Heartless Angel, but also Havoc Wing and Dancing Mad.

Definitely didn't call it either of those in the English version; it was mostly a bunch of a Latin (?) names with Almagust, Heartless Angel, Hyper Nova, and a big fancy name of an attack whose name eludes me in the 2nd form.

Havoc Wing is the move where he swing his wings in 2nd form, and detonating the spheres in process.
Dancing Mad is the move in 2nd form if you let him finish charging.

BTW, how he looks in the 4th form is actually a rip off of Saruin's 2nd form from Romancing Saga.
Apparently ripping off from FF bosses alone cannot satisfy Bhuni.

[Meeplelard]

Ah, ok, didn't let him actually pull off Genthialic Hymn.  The game says "Attack a lot when he does this" to stagger, so naturally, I did exactly that.  Looknig at Split Infinity's FAQ, yeah, it's still called Dancing Mad here.

...and it occurs to me, I forgot he has Giga-Graviton which is Sin's move I believe.  So that's another FF Villain he liberally rips off of.

[Fenrir]

I kinda still want Drakengard 3 just for the weapon stories?
I haven't really considered really picking it up, despite how much I like the first game. Juvenile grimdark is okay, juvenil sex jokes nope

Phantom Brave: Beat Pringer X, Marona solo. So yeah I'm done... There was no fanfare.
Marona's vase is the destroyer of gods



Chaos Rings: Got this for the Vita.

It's not amazing but decent for a cheap game. Done by the Wild Arms team but it doesn't really feel like Wild Arms (Which is good)

Character design is Last Remnant / Front Mission 4 / Trauma Center guy, who's the best character designer around really.
Everything is gorgeous but they ran out of money in the middle so instead of having full regular dungeons, some parts of every dungeon are the exact same identical looking futuristic hallway.

There's some sort of 999esque story which I don't mind. There's an ultra-1337 bishie at the beginning who immediately gets killed, which is pretty sweet and establishes that the game generally prefers tan assholes with white hair to usual bishie jerks.


Gameplay is standard RPG with two characters. The two characters can use "Pair" to attack at once but risk getting hit by the same attack while doing that. I seriously don't see any point like, at all, yet? It's touted as the game's biggest innovation.
You can turn encounters off, and I did it as soon as I could. Now I'm stuck in a battle with a dumb AI partner and will have to grind for a while.
You get new abilities from random enemies like Soma in Castlevania, so that means I have very few skills.

Also the game's a shitty iOs port so the FPS is stuck to like 10.

[Grefter]

I played the iOS version through 3 of the pairs and dug it a fair bit for a cheap game.  Have intended to finish it up and probably even do the sequel and prequel.  They are just more of the same apparently.

Paired attack isn't super innovative, but the main reason to do it is it makes characters share passive skills, the game gives you stupid huge amounts of defensive passive skills.  Also it lets you be significantly more resource intensive when fighter type gets MP regen.

[Fenrir]

Oh okay. Since I barely have any skillsets I couldn't notice!


So there are 4 warrior/partner couples here, established as such, and in all but 1, the man is the warrior and the woman is the partner/waifu.
The only couple in which the woman is the warrior is Eluca/Zhamo, Eluca is this cool no-nonsense pragmatic type (WITH A TWINBLADE) and Zhamo is the weakling with a good heart.
They're on the right:


So yeah at one point they have to equip Warrior rings of Warrior or something, and SURPRISE the warrior is actually "FF4 Edward" Zhamo and not "Renegade FemShep" Eluca.

I really hope the justification for this is more:
- "The dude who made this place, and those dumb rings, is just really misogynistic okay"
and not :
- "Zhamo is actually strong thanks to... his pure heart? (And Eluca not that much... Since she's a woman? We haven't really thought about her, honest)"


I just killed my first other couple in a fairly tragic scene. Can't wait to kill that other jerk Escher and his dumb smile.

[Grefter]

It plays out like the latter sadly.  I had high hopes too!

FFX - Finished.  I had to fight Jecht like 3 times because I blitzed him too fast and got him to Phase 2 without buffs and debuffs up (Sword is strong 2HKO without protect and Power Break up even after filling past everyone's section of their sphere grid.  I had forgot that!).  I had forgot how fucking weird The Nucleus is.  Past a point of no return run around in circles for a few minutes in an enclosed space that the camera pans around constantly.  If you run into spikes you will fight a strong enemy before final boss with no chance to save.  It showers you in neat weapons and items that you have zero use for in the coming fight mostly, but they would all be pretty interesting powerful gets in normal section of the game.  I think that it is ultimately neat, but I have no fucking idea why it is there.