Lightning Returns Abridged:
Jihl: Lightning Returns, the story so far...isn't that right my legion of fanboys?
Fanboys: ALL GLORY TO THE GODDESS JIHL!
Lightning: ...
Hope: ...
Caius: ...
Lumina: ... ^_^
Lightning: So...about that recap...
Hope: Right, starting now!
Noel: YEUL!!!!!!
Yeul: CAIUS!!!!!
Snow: SERAH!!!!!
Sazh: DAJH!!!!
Vanille: FANG!!!!!
Fang: VANILLE!!!!! ...stop being so manipulatable...
Lumina: Awww, you're no fun! That ruins the entire scheme ^_^
Fang: Yeah, well, deal with it!
]
*After your token Sacred Phase*
Lightning: So...Hope...about helping Sazh...I think we should do that now.
Hope: Uh, yeah, got any leads.
Lightning: Yes, actually, the Chocobo I got the first fragment from actually gave me a list telling me where all of them are! First stop, CHOCOLINA!
Hope: Why her?
Lightning: Because the list says so!
*At Chocolina*
Chocolina: Hello Miss Mighty Savior!
Lightning: So...Sazh...think you can help?
Chocolina: Yes! Here's Dajh's soul Fragment I have!
Lightning: ...wait, why do you have Dajh's Soul Fragment?
Chocolina: Because I really want to help Sazh out!
Lightning: So why didn't you give it to him directly?
Chocolina: BECAUSE I CAN'T OK!?
Lightning: ...he's close to you, isn't he?
Chocolina: SHHH!
Lightning: I think it's time you go see him.
Chocolina: Only when Dajh wakes up OK!?
Lightning: Uh, ok, sure...
Hope: You do realize Chocolina is the name of Sazh's Frocobo, right?
Lightning: What'd you say?
Hope: Nothing!
Lightning: Next up, ONE OF THE SEED HUNTERS!
*Random Seed Hunter in Yusnaan because shut up*
Lightning: So I hear you have this Soul Fragment...
Seed Hunter: Yes, and it's yours if you find ALL THE SOUL SEEDS!
Lightning: ...aren't there like a lot of those and only appear in Chaos Fields with large enemies? You're seriously asking me to GET ALL OF THEM when they randomly spawn?
Seed Hunter: Well, you could also find this random Moogle Object and give me that, and I'll give you Soul Fragment for that.
Lightning: ...yeah, I'll do the Moogle Item thing, because I happen to have it thank you very much...by the way, why do you have the Soul Fragment of a little kid?
Seed Hunter: BECAUSE SOULS!!!!
Lightning: uh-huh...yeah, I'm just going to move onto the next one...
*At the Champion's Square of Yusnaan*
Scientist Guy: HEY LADY! WANNA HELP ME WITH A PROBLEM?
Lightning: Um, what is this problem?
Scientist: I made a Robot too strong in the Colosseum, but you look capable, CAN YOU DESTROY IT FOR ME PLEASE THANKS!
Lightning: but I didn't...
Hope: Oh just do it; you gotta save his soul anyway, this will get that out of the way.
Lightning: *Sigh* Fine.
*beats up a generic Robot she's destroyed many of in the colosseum, FF Victory Fanfare is sung by the crowd*
Lightning: Ok, so why did that Robot feel slightly alive?
Scientist: Because I shoved my brother's soul into it for SCIENCE!!!
Lightning: ...that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard...well, no, but it's up there.
Scientist: Here, take this Soul Fragment I found! I've no use for it!
Lightning: ...though hey, how convenient...don't tell me you were going to use this for...
Scientist: SCIENCE!!!!!!!!
Lightning: ...so...yeah...time to get the last one in the Dead Dunes...
Hope: Do you know where it is?
Lightning: Yes, yes I do.
*Dead Dunes*
Lightning: Hey, Fang, thanks for helping me do this.
Fang: Well you are helping Sazh and he's a friend of mine, so let's do this...what are we looking for?
Lightning: A special kind of Cactuar, apparently, know of it?
Fang: we could just comb the desert randomly...DO NOT TAKE THIS STATEMENT LITERALLY!
Lightning: Ok.
*They searchn for it until find...well...
this*
Lightning: Fang...
Fang: Yeah?
Lightning: Do you think that's the Cactuar we're looking for?
Fang: If that's not it, I quit at life, and coming from me, that's saynig a lot!
*One "Cactuar" fight later*
Fang: Is this what you're looking for?
Lightning: Yes, yes it is! Thank you!
Lumina: Awwww, you got another part of Dajh's Soul ^_^
Lightning: ...what do you want?
Lumina: Well, seeing as I gave Sazh the Coffer, I figured I should see how you're doing ^_^
Lightning: Why are you doing this?
Lumina: I just want to help ^_^
Lightning: ...I find that hard to believe...
Lumina: Isn't it sad? He does anything for his son, ANYTHING! You should be able to relate to that with someone you love ^_^
Lightning: ...
Lumina: I just want to see them reunited ^_^
Fang: So...parting ways again?
Lightning: Yeah, thanks!
Hope: Good, let's go see Sazh!
*Sazh's house*
Lightning: Sazh, I got all of Dajh's Soul Fragments...though thinking on it, not sure how that physically works. Seriously, how do you carry a soul fragment? Why am I thinking about this NOW!? And why do they look like maps?
Sazh: What!? THANK YOU LIGHTNING! COME ON DAJH! WAKE UP! WAKE UP DAMN IT! STOP SLEEPING!
Lightning: Umm...Sazh...
Sazh: WHY ISN'T IT WORKING!?
Lumina: It won't work because of your scary face ^_^ *actual line of dialog*
Sazh: My face!? What am I suppose to do about that? I can't change it! *also actual rough line of dialog*
Lightning: ...she means you're getting too angry, Sazh, and Dajh is scared of you as a result. God I can't believe I'm agreeing with Lumina, I think I need to sit down.
Sazh: Huh? That...I...guess you're right. *grabs toy airplaine* Ok, time to change that, FATHER'S COMING HOME DAJH! TIME TO PLAY SPACE PILOT WITH THE CHOCOBO CHICK!
Lightning: Wait, where did that Chocobo Chick even come from? It totally wasn't here.
*Sazh does exactly what he says*
Dajh: Dad, that's not fair! That's our game!
Sazh: Dajh, you're back ;_;
Lightning: Well, this is a happy ending...
*leaves house*
Lightning: Ok, Lumina, why did you help him?
Lumina: I felt sorry for him ^_^
Lightning: ...yeah, I don't buy that. What's your game?
Lumina: I'm not telling
^_^
Lightning: ...Hope, God never said I couldn't slaughter her, right?
Hope: He doesn't want you to kill Humans so, and there's still a chance she is one so...
Lightning: ...I hate being the savior sometimes...
*One sacred phase later...we've done this a lot, I am not doing this joke again*
Lightning: ...great, I'm my soul again, aren't I?
Lumina: Yep ^_^
Lightning: ok, just tell me, what the hell is going on already?
Lumina: YOu know that hole in your heart? ^_^
Lightning: What about it?
Lumina: Well, watch this convenient FF13-2 DLC Flashback to remind you ^_^
*Scene shows*
Lightning: ...Serah's soul was inside me when I went into the crystal, then God took it out of me when reviving me, using her as a hostage...I see...
Lumina: There's more to it than that...how do you know Serah is real ^_^
Lightning: Are you saying GOd is playing me for a fool?
Lumina: Yep ^_^
Lightning: ...Not sure I buy it, but if I find out that God doesn't make good on his bargain, as soon as the world is reborn, I WILL go kill him!
Lumina: Now that's the Lightning I know ^_^
Lightning: ...there's something else you're not telling me...
Lumina: Hope is fake too, by the way...OR IS HE!? ^_^
Lightning: ...
Lumina: And there's other fakes too, YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF THEM ^_^
Lightning: ...now you're not making any sense...
Lumina: But really, the only fake you ever knew...was Serah ^_^
Lightning: ...once all this is over, I am totally murdering you
Lumina: ^_^!!!
*Lightning does a bunch of sidequests for a day, might show off some of these sidequests later, this is filler for the next sequence that happened a day later*
Serah: Lightning, keep pushing forward!
Lightning: Serah...
Serah: remember, Lightning, how much we've been through? The pain and suffering? The hard work we put into it?
Lightning: Yeah?
Serah: I want to forget it all! It hurts! Please!
*she disappears*
Lightning: ...ok, yeah, that's not Serah. Serah would never be like that; she was always one to confront her problems and be stronger from it! God's toying with me...but then again, does Serah really exist? Lumina said she's fake, and maybe it's my belief in this fake that I remember her being something that's she not...god damn it God, that was a completely dumb idea removing my emotions and part of my memories.
Hope: So Lightning...you sound like you're going to betray God.
Lightning: I never said that! I'm just indicating God's methods aren't exactly the most efficient. He's a pretty weird deity all things considered...
Hope: If you say so...