Lightning Returns Abridged EPISODE 2: Noel, the only character who kind of makes sense!
Hope: So...your next task is to find a bunch of numbers scattered around the town.
Lightning: Ok, off I go!
*Lightning appears in a weird place*
Lightning: Where am I?
Lumina: You're in your mind ^_^!!!!
Lightning: What are you doing here?
Lumina: ^_^
Lightning: ...ok, why am I here?
Lumina: Because this is the one place God can't see, pretty neat right ^_^?
Lightning: Why does that matter?
Hope: *with static* LIGHTNING!? WHERE'D YOU GO!?!!
Lumina: See, anything he knows, God knows! God's not Omniscient ^_^!
Lightning: Whatever, I've got a job to do.
Lumina: You're not doing God's work, you've got your own agenda ^_^!
Lightning: What are you talking about? I'm doing this for Serah because Gods basically holding her soul hostage.
Lumina: You're lying to yourself, good bye ^_^!
Lightning: ...what was that all about?
*back at Luxerion*
Hope: So...yeah, there are numbers plastered on walls...go find them.
*Lightning finds 3 of the numbers through various means*
Hope: Oh guess what? The last number is in an area which doesn't open until 12 AM tonight, you know 6 hours before you gotta teleport back?
Lightning: So...I need to do whatever for the next like 10 hours because of stupid time restrictions?
Hope: Exactly.
*10 hours later, Lightning gets to the Warren*
Lumina: Hi there, nice to meet you again ^_^!
Lightning: What are you doing here?
Lumina: I'm here to help ^_^!
Lightning: Ok, how can you help me?
Lumina: There's an Oracle Drive in here, go see it! The Shadow Hunter saw one too, that's why he wants you dead, you know what those are right ^_^?
Lightning: ...leave me alone...
Lumina: Not until you leave yourself alone, tee hee ^_^!
*Lumina leaves, Lightning goes to see the Oracle Drive after getting the number, which shows a picture of her destroying the world and being killed by someone familiar*
Lightning: This is a vision of the future?
Hope: What do you see?
Lightning: Me destroying the world and being killed by the Shadow Hunter...by the way, hi Noel, I know you're the Shadow Hunter and standing behind me.
Noel: Awww, was it really that obvious?
Lightning: Why are you trying to kill me?
Noel: Didn't you just see the image? YOU'RE GOING TO DESTROY THE WORLD!
Lightning: I'm trying to save it, leave me alone!
Noel: Ok, but only because now is not the right time to kill you!
*He leaves*
Lightning: ...so about that 4th number I just got...
Hope: Right, let's go to that phone-booth now and answer a phone call!
*Lightning re-enacts exactly what she saw the previous day*
Lightning: Alright, Children of Etro, here I come!!
*she reaches the ceremony site in the graveyard*
Cultist #1: Praised be to Etro, such that we will kill this girl who MIGHT BE THE SAVIOR!
Cultist #2: Acknowledge the Pink Hair she has, which means she has a higher chance of being the SAVIOR than others!
Cultist #3: Praised be to Etro who IS TOTALLY NOT DEAD FOR 500 YEARS AND THE REAL PATH TO SALVATION!
Lightning: Hi guys, you want the savior?
Cultist #4: IT'S THE SAVIOR! KILL HER!!!
*Lightning starts fighting guys off, killing them*
Hope: Be careful, we're not trying to kill people, but save them.
Lightning: There's a difference?
Hope: Yes! YOu can take souls without killing people!
Lightning: ...that was not in the manual...say, why isn't Noel with these guys?
Noel: Because I have NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM! ...ok, more accurately, they were working with me because I promised I'd kill the Savior, but then they got anxious because no Savior was showing up and they started kill anyone who looks remotely like you...
Lightning: So you're saying I should be happy that the only one you want dead is me, and that everyone else wasn't your idea?
Noel: I didn't say that at all! I'm just saying I'm not linked with those idiots!
Cultists: DEATH TO THE SAVIOR AND THIS KID!
Noel: ...look, we can talk later, can we just have a 5 minute truce to deal with these freaks?
Lightning: Ok.
*they win*
Noel: So...yeah...NOW WE FIGHT!
Lightning: You're that serious about killing me?
Noel: I am! ...but this isn't the right spot, follow me to the Warren, there's something you need to see there! That's where I'll do the deed. *he leaves*
Hope: You know Lightning, if you don't follow him, he won't kill you.
Lightning: But I need to save his soul! Serah would never forgive me if I didn't.
*back at the Warren*
Lumina: Hi again ^_^!
Lightning: Wonderful...
Lumina: For the record, he saw a different Oracle Drive than you did, and I was totally the person who showed it to him, pretty sweet right ^_^?
Lightning: Ok, seriously, what is up with you?
Lumina: You know there was only one person Noel ever loved, and she died in his arms, right ^_^?
Lightning: That could refer to two different people you realize...
Lumina: I'm talking about Yeul, OF COURSE! Seriously, you can be so stupid at times >_< ^_^!
Lightning: Oh, ok...wait, if we're talking about Yeul, why is Noel's theme playing in the background?
Lumina: My last night here for you...same old song...just once more~^_^! *she leaves*
Lightning: ...I'm not even going to try and make sense of any of that...
Hope: So...yeah...pursuit of Noel?
Lightning: On it.
*she chases him down until there's a guy standing in front of a wooden door*
Child of Etro Dude: SHOW THE SIGN OF ETRO NOW! YOU CANNOT PASS ME OR THIS WOODEN DOOR!
Lightning: So Hope, how do we get one of those?
Hope: Beat up a Cultist and steal it from them?
Lightning: Where am I going to find one of those?
Cultist Random Encounters: THE SAVIOR! GET HER!!!
Lightning: ...nevermind...
*more chase sequence through a dungeon later, Lightning meets Noel by an Oracle Drive*
Noel: Did you see the image!? IT SHOWS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS!
Lightning: It looked just like the one I saw...how is it different?
Noel: Because damn it, it says Yeul will be back!
Lightning: If I save the world, everyone will survive, even you...well ok, not everyone, but SOME PEOPLE as opposed to none!
Noel: And the way I see it, if you die, the world is saved, and I get Yeul back...not sure how that works, but damn it, Yeul!
Lightning: And I want Serah back, so we are at an impass!
Noel: Ok, I guess I must KILL YOU! *Noel attacks, and fails to do anything significant*
Lightning: I'm more powerful than ever thanks to God! Though thinking on it, wow, I am probably the single biggest jRPG Protagonist cheater for canon plot powers. First l'Cie, then Etro, then Bhunivelze...didn't have to do any work other than be in the right place at the right time.
Noel: And here I've been fighting for
500 YEARS getting stronger, I know I can take you!
Lightning: You don't have it in you to kill me! You have Emotions, I don't! Therefore I'm better!!
Noel: That's just bull. You're getting angry right now, you're acting on love of your sister, and clearly show a sense of hope in your eyes; those are all emotions! DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE EMOTIONLESS!
*they fight, Noel gets down to one knee*
Lightning: See? You can't beat me.
Noel: Yes. I. CAN!!! *attacks Lightning at full force, knocks her down, throws Knife, and misses Lightning, hitting Oracle Drive instead...on purpose*
Lightning: You...spared me?
Noel: ...it's not what Yeul would have wanted. I realize that now. The Oracle Drive is just an image, not the truth; it's up to me to help change the future. There was a lot of hope in us 500 years ago...Hope, Snow and I all wanted to fight the Chaos, so we did, but in only 500 years, and even in that's almost gone. Also, Hope disappeared, wonder where he went...
Lightning: Actually...
Hope: DO NOT TELL HIM! I REPEAT! DO NOT TELL HIM! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!
Lightning: ...I wonder happened to Hope myself...
Noel: Anyway, thanks Lightning, I'll do my best to fight fiends and such until the end of days!
Lightning: So...mission success?
Lumina: Unfortunately
>_< ^_^!
Lightning: Can you cut to the chase?
Lumina: Oh sure, I showed him the Oracle Drive and expected him to kill you ^_^
Lightning: But your planned failed.
Lumina: Nope! I was kind of hoping it'd end this way ^_^!
Lightning: ...logic doesn't work with you, does it?
Lumina: no, logic doens't work with YOU, tee hee ^_^!
Hope: So...uhh...yeah, Lightning, I hear there's this saint in Luxerion...you should go meet her.
Lightning: It's Vanille, isn't it?
Hope: How do you know that?
Lightning: Because seriously, who else would it be? If the character is important, it needs to be someone from the previous games, and they teased her in the intro to this area. Not to mention I can't see Fang being it.
Hope: Ok, fair enough.
*Minor fetchquest for Lightning to get into Cathedral later*
Lightning: Hi Vanille.
Vanille: Lightning! It's so nice to see you!
Lightning: So you've awakened from the crystal, huh?
Vanille: Yeah, 13 years ago. Then I found I could hear the SPIRITS OF THE DEAD, so I joined the order.
Lightning: Where's Fang?
Vanille: Oh, she awoke with me too...then left to go find something or other...
Lumina: Yeah, Vanille's the Saint, pretty cool right ^_^!
Lightning: ...what are you doing here?
Vanille: Oh, that's just Lumina, she's been helping me out here, she's harmless.
Lumina: ^_^!
Lightning: ...you're not cheating on Fang, are you?
Vanille: What?! NO! She's just helping me with Chaos and such. Here, let me show you!
*they go the room behind*
Lightning: Why is there so much Chaos in the Saint's room?
Vanille: Because so many people died and I can hear them all. Million's of souls, and only I can listen! Lightning, you need to set them all free by destroying the Chaos, please!
Lightning: ...that didn't answer my question...
Vanille: I need to stay here, ok!? The people need me!
Lumina: You can't save her soul~ You can't save her soul~ ^_^!
Lightning: Ok, but I will be back, don't worry, you just keep doing your job!
*6 AM hits*
Hope: Lightning, I'm bringing you back up to the Arc now!
*in Lightning's mind again*
Lumina: ^_^!
Lightning: ok, what this time.
Lumina: Mock Mock Mock Mock Mock ^_^!
Lightning: What are you talking about?
Lumina: This stuff is important but I'm being oddly cryptic because lalalalala~^_^!
Lightning: Huh?
Lumina: The watchers dance! Lalalalala! Lalalalala! ^_^!
Lightning: ...yeah, I'm just going to leave now, good bye.
*at the Ark*Hope: It has been a long time, Lightning. Our current situation is as follows.
*picture of Yggdrassil, days extend to Day 3, 6 days left*
Hope: Our current situation is...if things do not change, than all is lost! Do you wish to know the status of your item stock?
*Lightning does some menu based stuff*
Hope: Lightning, about your performance...send us souls Brave and True! These are all the Eradia Points I can grant you at this time! The Lord Bhunivelze is pleased with you. He begs me give you these Artifacts!
*get new equipment*
Hope: Lightning, I have a request to make of you. SEND US SOULS THAT ARE SIGNIFICANT! May fate guide your hand!
---
I am leaving out any segment where Lightning goes into detail about the previous games because those only exist for people who, for whatever reason, skipped those two.