"If I'm looking at this correctly. On one corner, we have Jade, and on the other, we have Teepo...aren't they, like, both your biggest supporters, and usually allies due to this?" said Arngrim
"Yes" responded the Goddess of Desire
"So why are they going at it as though they hated each other for centuries?"
"Well, they didn't really have an incentive to fight each other, so I threw in one for them..."
"And what might that be? This has sparked my own curiosity..." responded Hrist
"I promised the winner of this free Dental"
"Wait, I thought that was part of the original package to joining you."
"Part of your package, yes. Them...well, I think the fight speaks for itself..." Myria stated as Jade was just finishing off Teepo.
"Well, looks like Jade wins that...wait, why does a Bug of that size need dental? Doesn't he not have teeth?"
Lloyd couldn't possibly have fought Jenna.
The competition dominated him too incredibly.
There was only a quick flight, and then oblivion took him.
"...you don't normally see bishie types in here." Brad noted, as he glanced down at the passed-out form of Lloyd in the seat next to him. "They're too afraid of-"
Brad cut off his sentence, calmly pulled out a Rail Gun, and proceeded to blast a drunken Badrach through a wall, and on out into the street, just before he managed to cop a feel of Lloyd.
"-that sort of thing." Brad finished. "What's with him?" He asked the bartender, curiously.
"Would you like a drink, sir?" "...I have to stop trying to talk to the NPCs." Brad muttered, shaking his head.
"I heard the poor *&%$ bastard just shrieked like a little girl, then ran out, when he saw Jenna." Barret shrugged. "Who knows what's wrong with him."
Lloyd dried out three weeks later, and tried hard to forget the fact that he'd met someone more androgynous than himself, nay, someone at the very pinnacle of androgyny.
Of course, Jenna could have clarified exactly why she's like this to him, but she probably would have just killed him repeatedly and incredibly painfully instead, so it's just as well, really.
In perhaps the fastest fight in DL history, Belial imprisoned Mewtwo in .083 seconds, ending the fight in literally a blink of an eye. Mewtwo's savage reputation and nasty habit of tormenting people even in loss made her waste no time in fighting.
[This is less than digified. Trapped in an alternate dimenson until someone frees me. Where's a random ninja when you need one?]
"Someone call for me!?" Mewtwo heard the voice from afar. The unmistakable sound of Edge's voice pierced the perfect calm of Mewtwo's prison.
[I did ask for it. Sigh.]
"Ask for what? Anyway, getting you out." Edge quickly sliced into the fabric of space-time and freed Mewtwo.
[How did you manage to do that?
"Ninja training. It doesn't matter. I need your help in bringing down Piastol."
[What will that require?]
"Just make everyone think I'm Gilbert. I'll handle the rest."
[An odd request, but fine. I'll do it now, as I have a match to judge.]
[There. Everyone will think you'll look like Gilbert. Have fun. Just leave me out of it after this.]
"Thanks. And... there we go, a big enough space for you to get out of this space. Now time for me to go teach Piastol a lesson!"
Mewtwo's plan had worked! No one could tell that he wasn't a balding, middle aged pervert trying to destroy the world with the power of Malice. Orlandu and Fuse would be off making sure Ramirez and Galcian stayed far away from the arena. Gilbert had been easy to bribe into not fighting, he didn't like his chances against Piastol at all. Edge had managed to scrouge up a set of Adamant Armor and an Instant Death blocker, leaving Piastol helpless before his assault.
Edge was The Fury. The Fury charged into the arena and attacked Piastol without warning, striking her several times in a matter of seconds. The Fury wasn't going to be stopped.
The Fury sadly forgot to equip aforementioned Adamant Armor and Leonardo's Bear and went charging after a Godlike champion in a straight up slugfest in a DL legal fight. Edge is good. He's way, way, WAY out of Piastol's league in a straight slugfest.
It took three Tempest Dances, a kick to the face, and Piastol slamming his head hard enough into the arena floor to crack his skull and shake the walls of the entire arena to knock Edge out. Besides for the opening flurry of attacks, Edge hadn't gotten a single hit in on the woman who had so brutally set Rydia up.
Piastol later wondered why it had taken so much effort to knock out Gilbert. She shrugged it off, a win was a win. Not her concern if the idiot wanted to ruin himself in a hopeless battle.
"Thanks Cristo." Orlandu tossed the Chancellor a bag of Gil and slapped Edge around the face. Hard. "Get up, boy. It cost triple the usual to revive you after that. What kind of insane plan was that, fighting Piastol on an even playing ground?"
Edge groaned and slowly stirred. "I... guess I just lost it when I saw her sitting there, gloating. I'll get another crack at her next week. She's going to be sorry she was ever born."
"Look, I'm sorry. I promise I'll pay you back!" Shu's voice was pleading, desperate, as he faced Shu.
Shu Shirakawa was fuming with rage. "Re... repay me. Yes. Because you can really manage that after having LOST with my GRANZON!?!?"
"Hey, the controls were tough. Plus, how was I supposed to know he'd bring in the Colossal Blade and be able to use Triple Sword with it?!?"
"You are hereby banished from the ranks of the Shu Foundation!" Shu bellowed. "Never again are you allowed to use my machine! That teaches me to code everything to my name..."
Hiro just shrugged, big sword in both hands, and lifted it a teeny bit so the Dygenguard could pick it up. It was going to take him a lot of time to get over the fangirls impressed with his use of the sword, but hey. If one comically cliche'd amnesiac hero could use the blade, a slightly less cliche'd Hiro could do so as well, no?
Zidane was enraged.
Zidane was frustrated.
Zidane, unfortunately, couldn't express his feelings properly, a rare sensation for him.
"MPHMMMFL!" Zidane yelled.
Being gagged does that to a man.
"Oh, come on. I just want you to...be here, safe." Garnet "Dagger" Til Alexandros said, tightening up a knot. "I know you're a pervert, but last week was...well, that can't be you. It really can't. It can't. It can't, it can't, it can't, it can't, it can't!" Dagger insisted, tying another rope so tightly that Zidane emitted a muffled shriek.
Obliviously, Dagger continued, "So it's some sort of a spell. No one can figure out exactly what, yet, though...so, we just keep you away from any matches you might...get a bad reputation for attending." She finished.
"Mph!" Zidane yelled into the wadded scarf in his mouth.
"I don't care if you don't like it. It's bad enough being your girlfriend with your reputation. At least Yuri canonically got two girls, so his situation's a mess with both alive. You? You're just giving me a worse and worse name for putting up with you..." Dagger sighed. "And I know you don't mean to. Half the time, it's not even your fault. Your luck is just horrible. I'd tolerate this all a lot better if you didn't get caught so much..."
"Mphmph!" Zidane nodded.
"I'm still killing you if I ever catch you, of course." Dagger finished, as she tied off the last knot. "Mph." Zidane nodded dolefully. "Well, have fun until the little girl gets done fighting!" Dagger smiled, and walked off.
[/i]"...she gets forceful at the most random times."[/i] Zidane thought. "But she really should know better than to tie a master thief up! I'll show her I can handle a little magic or whatever! I'm the pinnacle of self-control!" Zidane grinned to himself, as he started loosening the ropes.
He quickly realized that he was tied up so tightly that he'd had a rib broken. Still no problem for a master thief, though!
*Three hours later.*
"Mphmphmphmph!" Zidane called out, as Sten pulled out a knife and proceeded to cut the few, exceedingly stubborn, ropes still left on Zidane off, and ungag him.
"Ahhh, that's better!" Zidane said, rapidly scratching his nose. "I've had my nose itching for the last two hours! It was hell!"
"...okay..." Sten shrugged. "So, what're we doing? What match are we heading to? I've heard that Jenna chick's supposed to be pretty hot, and no matter what anyone says, I know Lloyd's a girl, damnit, how the hell can a man be tha-"
"Oh, I'm headed over to Legretta and Presea's match." Zidane said, as he started to take off at a run.
Only to be tripped by Sten.
"...look, Zidane, everyone saw the match last week. One time won't get you a reputation. Twice, though, and with a little girl this time? That's really bad for us all, man." "It's not like that!" "So you just want to watch little girl fight?" Sten answered dubiously." "...No, I mean, I want to go there and not molest them!" "...Can't you do that from here?" "Yes, but not in public!" "So you want to...not molest them in public. Can't you do that from a bar?" "Oh, shut up and come on." Zidane answered, annoyed, rushing out the door.
"...I need to make a stop first." Sten said, rushing another direction.
[/i]-This is depressing. Not only do I lose a match in the first round-again-, but they make me judge two girls in a slap fight right afterwards...[/i] Mewtwo projected psychically, shaking his head, as the fight got underway.
"It could be worse. You could have to watch Jogurt and Zahhak fight." Yuna noted. -True.
Indeed, it exceeded Mewtwo's expectations.
Presea and Legretta had both thoroughly researched each other's flaws and advantages before the match.
The net result, unfortunately, was Presea learning that unless she could perfectly time a combination right, she would be ripped apart by a Mystic Arte.
Similarly, Legretta knew her opponent came from a game without Free Run.
The undignified net result was a chipping war mostly consisting of Legretta running around with Presea chasing her.
Into this, Zidane, closely chased by Sten, entered...
"Look! See! I'm fine! Nothing wrong at all!" Zidane yelled at Sten, as he sat down in a seat.
"...I'm still going to stop you if you do something stupid, okay?" "Fine, fine, just let me watch the...match..." Zidane drifted off, as he watched the two girls running around the arena.
"...you'd better be staring at-" "She's so cute, isn't she?" "You mean-" "That pink hair, those clothes, the mallet, it's all so..." Zidane grinned, and proceeded to leap out of his seat, charging down to the arena with reckless abandon.
-...Oh. I was wondering when that would happen. Mewtwo "said", noting Zidane's rapid flight down the steps. -He always has had the stupidity to fall directly into traps no one made for him.
Sten, sighing, raised the item he had rushed off to get earlier.
"I wish I'd gotten enough time to get something better than this." Sten lamented, as he threw his only hope of stoping Zidane.
Unfortunately, Sten, with the otherworldly creature knowledge of the average rock, had unfortunately just picked one Prinny out of Etna's nearby-at-the-time Prinny barracks.
He didn't know that Prinny Gods are somewhat resistant to blowing up. (Sometimes. It depends, really. Regardless, this one was.)
(On a related note: The Prinny God would have simply killed Sten, but unfortunately you just can't do that when you're picked up, unless the opponent ends their turn. It's a Prinny thing.)
The net result was quite spectacular, as the Prinny bounded into Zidane, sending both tumbling into the arena.
Followed by a massive fountain of blood, as a unbelievably pissed Prinny proceeded to take his anger out on Zidane.
"...not quite what I wanted, but it works!" Sten remarked happily.
Unfortunately for all concerned, Legretta, not noticing the scene, promptly tripped over the Prinny.
Then Presea, not noticing the Prinny, swung her Pow Hammer with full force, shattering Prinny, Zidane and Legretta, all to varying degrees.
The Prinny, having had enough of this, now exploded.
-I need to mentally shatter people more often, if it gets these results.- Mewtwo remarked happily, as boring battle and annoying thief, as well as a sizable chunk of the arena, simply vaporized. -Still, I can't figure that out. Zidane was only supposed to be mentally swayed for a day...though, that would be what would effect most people for a day. Maybe it was like using a sandblaster on a soup cracker with him, though... Mewtwo drifted into thought, determined to find the optimal path to mentally controlling those who couldn't control their minds as well as Mewtwo could control their minds.
All things considered, it had gone pretty well.
Presea was declared the loser by interference-after all, her opponent had tripped first, giving her a clear advantage-which was fine with her, the result wasn't so different from what she expected anyways.
At least Legretta went with her, though.
As for Zidane...?
"Mrph!" "Yes, yes, I know, Mewtwo said he fixed you, and told me all about it. He's even said he'll make a public announcement. Nice of him." Dagger said, tightening another knot. "But after doing something that stupid, I'm convinced you just need to be tied up for your own safe keeping." She finished, cracking another rib with a vicious tightening. Grinning, she walked out of Zidane's room.
Stopping outside of the room, she paused thoughtfully for a moment.
Then she went to buy some itching powder for a certain someone. Sten had mentioned an interesting remark Zidane had made, in passing...
"Aaargh! I can't take it anymore!" Jeremy slammed his fist down on his desk. He had been infuriated the entire week after finding out who his opponent was, nevermind the embarassment from having to have the Durandal's scabbard surgically removed earlier. "If this keeps up, I'm going to kill whoever's setting up my matches!!!" He could swear that there was somebody out there with some sort of vendetta against him, setting up matches so he'd always run into one of those blasted Fire Emblem fighters.
"As much as we know you're frustrated, I would advise you to keep your temper in check. Otherwise, you might get a spanking..." Augst interrupted with a chuckle. The response was a cacophany of groans from the rest in the room.
"Speaking of which, why are the rest of us here?" Hugo inquired. Lambda had called all of Brionac, save for Trump Card, to this meeting--which at least had desks rather than folding chairs. Still, with Lambda at the front of the class, and Augst, Kresnik, and Farmel to the sides, it felt to some more like a classroom than an actual meeting. "So far, it seems to mainly be about Jeremy's next match."
"There are a couple of reasons," Lambda started, "First, Brionac's PR is falling due to the way the matches have been turning out for us. There is simply less and less respect for it in the arena nowadays..." Quite a few in the room stopped to question that; what did Brionac need with PR?
"The second reason," the commander continued on, "is simply that I have received word that there is some dissatisfaction and boredom amongst those of our elite group who are not enlisted in this league..."
"Well," Hugo started, "Card games with Lambda and Augst's stand-up comedy routines do leave something to be desired."
"Nevermind the problems that happen every movie night. We spend two hours arguing over which movie to watch, and then there's always an hour-long dispute over who pays for the pizza, and then typically the movie chosen is something that only one or two of us like." Enil added. What she failed to mention was how it was typically Fiore and Asia who won the eventual vote by being the only two to vote for the same thing, resulting in the elite squad typically spending the night watching kids' movies.
"I will keep the issues with our movie nights in hand and plan for those next time," Augst stepped in. "However, regarding the issue at hand..."
The arena's occupancy was only about half of average. Everyone knew the outcome of this fight. Jeremy was going to be stomped into the ground, and it would be quick and bloody. Most of the people there, including both Fire Emblem casts and the four that stood up to Brionac once before, were there simply to laugh at Jeremy and his hopelessness in this match. Predictably. Meanwhile, a number of assorted Brionac members filled the stands, if only to add their silent support.
"Alright! I want a good, clean match!" the referee started. Lyndis and Jeremy both stared at him; they intended to make it a bloodbath, not pull any cheap tricks...as far as anyone else knew. "3! 2! 1! Fight!" ...and the referee bolted, knowing the bloodbath that would most likely ensue.
The fight looked to be quick--Jeremy ran in to kick his opponent to death; there was no Inertial Cancel, Lyn noted. 'Was he using his first form? No matter...' she thought, sure that he'd die before he'd actually kill. The kick hit head on, and Lyn flinched, writing the hit off as dumb luck, before striking in retaliation, moving at lightning-fast speeds that the Brionac officer couldn't hope to dodge...
...Lyn hit empty air.
Her opponent was suddenly not there. Not on the ground in a bloody crumpled heap. But behind her. Lyn tried to attack again--but to no avail; he disappeared once again... The audience, meanwhile, intending to laugh at Jeremy's pitiful inability in this match, instead stared in shock at Jeremy's teleporting act. The judges simply sighed and shook their heads from their vantage point in the stands, noting to disqualify Jeremy after this match. The rest of the match went quite counter to initial expectations. "Jeremy" dodged every single strike that Lyn tried to land on him, and she was eventually knocked out of the ring, which would by the standard rules, award "Jeremy" the win...
That was when the chaos began. The entirety of the Fire Emblem casts tried to rise up and beat down "Jeremy." And yet he simply eluded each and every strike sent at them, appearing to teleport out of the attack's way at the last moment, while slowly but surely kicking all of them into unconsciousness. TimeRecord captured the humiliation, and the match itself was ultimately met with a mix of shock and laughter from the audience.
It was only now that Arnaud looked around at Brionac's section...Hugo never attended matches, but why was Enil missing?
The only thing adding insult to injury was the front-page headline in the newspaper the next day...
"Jeremy Non defeats two casts singlehandedly!"
Lyn groaned and shook her head. At least she'd been given the win by disqualification, but this would be an insult that she and her castmates wouldn't be able to live down for a very very long time...
The strongest of ninja.
Stealthy of movement.
Invisible from sight.
Inaudiable of footstep.
Deadly while striking.
And while not.
Frightening in humor...
"...That's just in poor taste." Millenia shook her head, from her judges box seat.
"Though he could have picked worse people to do it to." She added, staring down as the mostly unclad Glenn suddenly had another strip cut out of his clothes. "WOOO! Take it all off!" She screamed down into the arena, as the red-faced Glenn tried desperately to cover himself.
Attempts at flight simply got him herded back to the center of the arena by a angry dog.
Lasting fourty-five minutes, Glenn's loss was to be the most popular one of that week.
While humiliating and indeed effective, however, Shadow's win has had some backlash.
For one, Glenn now has a calendar deal, something that never would have happened before.
For another, people are now looking at Shadow funny and whispering about him liking naked men a bit too much.
His initial strategy, killing them all, worked until Piastol said it.
Now he just pretends to not hear them.
That doesn't work either.
A Crimson Noble.
A beautiful girl.
There was only one way this could turn out. Obviously.
It had nearly broken her arm, would put her thousands upon thousands of Potch in debt, came close to killing her more times than she could count, would probably get her in trouble for operating a vehicle without proper license-not to mention theft, thousands of counts of reckless endangerment and possibly kidnapping-and had cost her the match.
But Scythe's scream of "What the hell am I supposed to-" had made it all worth it, as she violently and painfully crashed Balamb Garden into him.
Scythe Riebauer: 30
"Okay. This is officially the weirdest way to resolve a match ever." Selan declared in frustration, throwing down her sword and turning away from the scene.
Lamington smiled serenely. "And is such a peaceful resolution truly this abhorrent to you?"
"THIS IS A DUELING ARENA, NOT A NAPPING CONTEST!" Selan bellowed, gesturing to chaos and Juan sleeping in the Arena. At her words, chaos blinked owlishly and stretched.
And then proceeded to punch Juan out of the arena.
"...wait, he had a Waking Rune on too?" Selan said, in mild disbelief.
"Of course. The same source of sleep, the more equal the contest." Lamington replied. "And losing the sleeping contest was obviously irritating to the young man. Ah, well; he'll get his chance in future seasons, I'm sure."
"...this is completely bizarre. Remind me never to ref again." Selan plopped down on the mosaic tiling and exhaling.
You know, Kain really did try to beat Raven with a spear. He really did. But he forgot one very important detail.
As he landed, Raven shoved his axe into Kain's face really hard. You can guess where THAT went.
"Balk!" The young, strident lad rode into the arena, whirling his spear in a frentic show of rage. "I have come to end the slaughter of FE warriors at your hands!"
Balk sighed. The young never learned... As the youthful Paladin rode at him, Balk did what he always did; Aim Leg, horse, easy win. The horse stopped in mid-stride, and the paladin suddenly got a bemused look on his face, unable to spur his horse any further. Balk chuckled a bit at the young man, and lazily began to reload his gun, when...
Balk's vision swam with little dim lights, as he attempted to focus in front of him, at the set of armor that now blocked out light.
"I dismounted. Idiot." Franz bonked the gunner upside the head with his gauntlet again. "Despite it being against all the rules for a FE paladin. After all, we're technically supposed to glue ourselves to those things for arena fights... I never said you wouldn't win on technicality, but..."
The last vision before Balk blacked out was the gauntlet, one last time.
"...this definitely wasn't a slaughter."
Ah, a DRAGON!
Old FRANK would SLAY the dragon, and bring peace to the world!
Yes, Brazeel's finest ninja would ride in on a white horse, unsheath his mighty blade, and cut down the foolish lizard!
"Where IS the fiendish dragon!?" Frank yelled, dangerously brandishing a sword he had no real clue how to use and nearly getting thrown, repeatedly, from his rather docile horse, as he charged about the arena.
"Should we tell him Draggy's asleep, right behind him, on the horse?" Alicia asked curiously, as she watched Frank trot around the arena, the oblivious dragon happily curled up on a comfortable perch.
Having been told to expect a ninja, naturally Draggy thought nothing else of the matter.
"Hell no." Shania answered, a slight glimmering of a smile on her face.
Ultimately, it took eight hours for Frank to give up his search-an impressive search indeed, considering he never left the arena-and finally take a siesta over against a arena wall.
A puzzled Draggy, waking up a few hours later, simply left. No ninjas, no match. Or so he thought. Sadly, this counted as throwing the match-a fact that thoroughly confused the poor dragon when he was later informed about it.
On the upside, Draggy now has a magnificent white horse, that decided to follow him home rather than put up with the antics of the ninja.
It makes a good bed, anyways.
Also on the upside, everyone else got to doodle on Frank's face, while he slept.
Sadly, he woke up when people were breaking out the tattoo needles, though.
If two trains with Valkyrie Profile hamsters leave to join with Jogurt on the battlefield, this would help his chances. Now if the trains also carried special titanium armor for Jogurts and also had an adrenaline shot for increased speed along with the assistance of all enemies from the Shining Force universe and finally top it off with a ton of reserves and MREs for a war, the result will still be the same:
Zahhak sneaks in and torches Jogurt's base, frying the rodent.
A silly, klutzy girl.
A giant marshmallow.
This can't go well.
"Belvedere!" Colette said happily, patting Mallow on the head.
"I'm...not a dog..." Mallow said, shifting his feet uneasily.
"C'mon, Belvedere! Fetch the stick!" Colette called out happily, throwing a stick out into the arena.
"...I'm not..." "Go on! Fetch! I'll give you a treat if you-" "I'm-" "Okay, Sit! Si-" "I'M NOT A DOG! Mallow bellowed, smashing Colette upside both sides of her head with his Sonic Cymbals.
The net effect was remarkable. She teetered slightly, and fell directly on Mallow.
Mallow woke up two days later.
On the bright side, Mallow's assault seems to have had some effect-now Colette thinks everyone is a dog.
Granted, how much effect the Cymbal blast had there is up for debate, but, with Colette now stumbling and muttering happily about strange looking puppies, one thing is sure.
Colette, predictably, has found yet another way to trip.
An enterprising leader uses all his abilities and connections to win.
Does Vinsfeld count as an enterprising leader?
Actually, he doesn't really have abilities or connections.
What, then, is a leader to do?
Vinsfeld simply laughed.
The poor fool had turned and fled the moment he entered the arena!
Surely, this was a sign of things to come, of people finally and truly respecting Vinsfeld, the leader of Cocytus, as the most feared ruler of this, and all other, worlds! Nay, all other universes would fall to him! He would rule supreme!
"...darn it, Lun, I came running over, thinking you were dead after that explosion, only to find out that you've crashed a college or something into your opponent. Can't you at least keep your losses tidy?" Logg said, annoyed.
"Aw, c'mon, pop, you'd have done it yourself!" Lun yelled, annoyed.
"...well...there's...only one way to find out!" Logg yelled, as he hauled Lun after him.
Vinsfeld was still patting himself on the back when Balamb Garden fell on him.
The Manliest Man in the DL
Major. Armstrong. Nuff said. The only issue is if the judges point in the wrong direction after being blinded by the dazzling lights that accompany his flexing.
Big Joe: 14