Percival sighed, and started again from the top. "My lady, why exactly are you bothering with this farce? There's no honor in fighting a battle you can't win, especially against someone as likely to try and use your unconcious body in some demonic sacrifice as breathe."
Chris annoyedly placed her sword back in it sheath. "I still can't sort out how you got in here."
Percival ran a hand through his hair unconcernedly. "Oh, a magician never reveals the trick. But still, you work yourself far too hard. If it's not visits of state or inspections or even the occasional border skirmish, you're here fighting dark gods and who knows what all. When was the last time you really took even a day for yourself?"
"Well... I suppose it has been quite a while." She brightened considerably. "I've really wanted to try fencing some people here, but you never get a chance with these Godlike matches."
Percy fought off a roll of his eyes. It was something. "Exactly. So let me worry about Malik, you just go have fun."
Borus massaged his eyes. "So tell me again how we're supposed to do any better again this freak than Lady Chris?"
"Simple. If he can't be hit because he's moving too fast, we'll just give him something he'll want to hold still for."
"And this Breakfast guy can give us something."
"Bacon. And yes. One of the few that can."
"No, never. Never again shall any be permitted to gaze upon the forbidden secrets of the Emigre document!"
Borus spoke up before Percival could stop him. "But didn't some grieving father-"
"That was an accident! I'm much better at protecting it now! Hi-ya! Just like that."
Percival pressed on. "We don't need the book. Just something that will fool someone for four or five minutes. And we'll pay."
"Ha! What could you possibly have for me."
Percival pulled the somewhat battered magazine from the sack with a flourish. "How about the IS 459 annual of Sheena's Stash?"
Roger Bacon gaped. "With the Lucia centerfold? Sold! Just give me a few minutes..."
Percival smiled at his friend. "Just enough time to finish your outfit."
Borus groaned. He knew that smile.
Upon close inspection, the figure slashing at the merrily reading Malik was Borus wearing a shockingly high quality silver wig. Fortunately for the plan, no one in the arena aside from the distracted Malik was that close.
Unfortunately for the plan, despite the distraction Borus' swordstrokes went straight through the Prophet.
Percival sat thoughtfully. "Pity. Well, best give him a chance to escape before Malik realizes it's a fake." He nodded to the man next to him, and watched as a rather conspicuous bolt of lightning felled Malik and Borus fled.
Geddoe looked at him. "So why did you bother with that distraction if you had me here?"
Percy shrugged. "Well, this is far more likely to get Lady Chris disqualified. Besides, it's not like I have a shortage of naked pictures of Hugo's mother..."
Chris Lightfellow: 27
In the course of participating in his bonus match, there was one tiny detail that wasn't mentioned. In order to provide enough time to stack on all the offensive buffs, Brahms also had the "Permanence" spell casted on him. However, no one remembered to later Dispel the effects.With a swift swing of his fist within the opening seconds, Billy exploded into a pile of dust.
None of the judges thought it was out of the ordinary. In fact, Brahms didn't notice much difference either. After all, he was built for smashing things.
It was only until he later went out to get a drink with his castmates to celebrate his win did he remember. Arngrim still hasn't been seen after Brahms gave him a friendly punch to the chest. Unlike Billy who simply exploded, the big mercernary simply got launched into orbit. There are now bets as to when he will return to ground. Sezter is making quite a profit from the whole ordeal.
Billy Lee Black: 14
The power of evolution.
Changing, creating, producing the very apex of intelligence, strength and capability.
What could possibly ever stop it?
"That wasn't nice." Chaz shook his head.
"What, to point out the obvious to him?" Rune shook his head. "It would have been kinder to let him fight Wren?"
"But...um...you...did you...have to convince...oh never mind." Kyra sighed, unable to criticize Rune.
"All I did was point out the obvious. Machines are the apex of evolution." Rune shrugged, and watched curiously as Necrosaro proceeded to evolve over and over again, in an incredible attempt to become mechanical. "They're clearly only producable by a highly advanced civilization."
"I wonder if that'll work?" Chaz pondered outloud, still staring at Necrosaro's rippling form.
"Probably not." Rune shrugged, as he walked out the door.
Necrosaro had done it.
He was the ultimate being!
And now, he would show his powers to everyone!
*Two weeks later.*
"So no one's found him?" Rune shrugged, as he sipped some cappucino.
"No, and I can't imagine where he'd go." Fuse shook his head. "It's suspicious, him disappearing just before a match like that... except that I can't possibly suspect an android like Wren of foul play..." Fuse eyed Rune meaningfully.
"I can assure you, I have no clue what in the world is wrong with Necrosaro. I know that this cappucino machine showed up in his room shortly after he failed to appear at the match. Beyond that..." Rune answered, completely truthfully, with a shrug.
"It does make an excellent cup, too. Can't imagine why he'd leave it." Fuse shrugged, as he drained his Necrosaro-brewed coffee.
"Hmph. This must be a joke", Rashidi mused in his lush resting chambers, surrounded by eerie lights and his esteemed magical artifacts. "If even a servant from Nyarlathotep couldn't stop me, a naive little catgirl lookalike shouldn't pose me any problems." Rashidi rested easy, knowing that his raw power would easily overwhelm that fool. This would be his season of glory. Even if his crystall ball warned him that she might foil his plans, he should pay no heed to such warnings with proper preparation of his skills. It was just an advice, not a declaration of defeat.
"What? You sure this is going to work, Rune? I don't know, most of your ideas tend to go really wrong around here...", Rika protested. The arrogant Esper certainly had some strange plans, and this seemed to be no exception. And, considering how often they were thwarted by a dim-witted teenage adventurer, the idea seemed like a grim announcement. However, to the Numan's lamenting, Rune simply responded with a shrug. "Listen, you want to win, right? This is probably the surest way, unless you want to be ravaged Rashidi. If you're willing to die, be my guest, but if you care for actual victory, you'd better follow my lead."
Rika sigh and pouted, crossing her arms in dissatisfaction. "He will never accept that! How can you trick a dark prophet into a p-" - Rune swiftly covered Rika's mouth before she could complete the sentence. "Quiet. You never know whether the walls have ears or not. Regardless, I've already managed to convince the judges. He will have no choice on the matter. And you better be thankful, this will cost me dearly. Understood?"
Rika nodded and annoyedly pointed to the hand covering her mouth.
Rune aceded, as Rika heavily sighed upon being freed. "If this doesn't work, we're in serious trouble. But it's not like we can back out..."
At that, Rune simply smirked. "It will be worth it, at least."
In the day of the match, the judge body declared that Rashidi, instead of fighting Rika, would have to read an instant-messenger conversation between her and Justin for five minutes. Sounds simple for a prophet, correct?
Within thirty seconds, the sheer amount of smileys, lols, ^_^_^_^s and horrendously inept grammar (not to mention the inane contents. They were talking about adventuring in Justin's children's kindergarten daycare center or something) drove Rashidi insane in no time flat. He proceeded to explode the computer and left the arena starking mad, engaging into a quest to destroy all AOLers in the world. As he left the arena in a bustling hurry, Rika returned to the arena in order to claim her odd victory. As she sheepishly accepted the graces, Rune approached.
"Wow, Rune, you were right. How did you manage to convince the judge body?"
Rune coughed for a moment. "Well, Ramirez was part of the body, so one part was easily convinced. Apparently, he holds a grudge. For the rest..."
A glance was directed to Justin just as he joined in. "Well, I hope you are happy. Justin had Feena convince the other judges with violent whippings, but for an exchange."
Rika scratched her left ear, vaguely confused. "But Justin's such a nice kid! He has the most beautiful wife and a lot of cute kids, they would probably never ask you to do something REALLY humiliating!"
At that, Justin stretched and opened a big smile. "It's not bad, really! He's just going to teach my kids on how to use the computer and that messenger! We tried showing the kids ourselves, but that didn't really work out! And, while he teaches us, Feena and I will go on an adventure!" Rika giggled slightly. "Oh, I see! I wish I could join you guys, it sounds fun!"
"Oh, well, there's always next time! See you tomorrow early, Rune! You're the best!", Justin grinned as he left, waving effusively to Rika and the Esper.
After Justin left, Rune shaked his fist, gritting his teeth in anger. "I hope you're happy, eargirl. And you owe me. Stupid clause of cooperation... thanks to you, I'll be stuck babysitting those little devils while Justin and Feena go frolicking on my expense. Enjoy your victory, Rika", the Esper grumbled, leaving the arena in annoyance.
"Uh? I don't get it..." Rika just stood, dumbfounded. What was wrong? She DID win, didn't she?
"A ghost, out for revenge against those he feels wronged him? Well, I have slain plenty of those in my adventures. It's as simple as...." Tristain unseathed a blessed sword and charged the white-innate Garai.
"Doing more thorough research is good." It's a lesson often learned the hard way in the DL, and it just happened to Tristain.
Tristan Zenobia: 30
Berserk loves smashing things. It's one of his all time favourite hobbies. Whether it be puny humans or puny animals, destroying stuff into tiny pieces was of great amusement to the Muscle Quarter Knight. Yet the judges already know Berserk was strong, yes. They wanted to see if the Metal Demon could do anything else to prove his worth in Heavy.
"...You know Berserk, the whole point of Scrabble is to create words and get points. Not to SMASH up the letter tiles along with the board", Harken deadpanned as she watched her colleague swing his giant hammer crashing directly on top of where they were playing.
"Gwahaha! Well that's too bad! Looks like I'll just have to find something else to entertain me!"
And with that, Berserk turned and crushed the puny judges panel for amusement, which consisted of Olan Durai, Rufus Shinra, Banon and Connie.
Of course, since he never actually scored any points, Berserk loses. But in the end, epic smashing is all that really matters to him. So he wins deep down. Or something.
Lady Harken: 49
Albel, for someone from a 17th century Earth equivalent civilization, is quite a tough charicter to beat considering how he can really tear it up against rocket shooting robot's on Moonbase, plus his nihilistic perspective gives him the inner-game needed as well, and perhaps would have made him the better main charicter then Fayt. Slade will fall, simply put, I didnt even use him that much in Shining Force recognising that there's better charicters to use.
Albel Nox: 33
A giant dog, possessed by a great evil.
A random Greater Devil, also controlled by a great evil.
There was only one possible solution.
"Remind me to suggest to never let the Profound Darkness judge a match like this again." Ghaleon said, as he watched Leopold and Zalbard fight it out in a mud pit, their glistening bodies shining in the sun for all to see.
"Ehehehe. Bad memories?" Kefka asked. "...Shut up." Ghaleon replied.
"Well. At least she's enjoying it!" Kefka said, as he watched the Profound Darkness laugh...and laugh...and laugh.
Naturally, there was only one possible out come.
Leopold won easily.
When it comes to getting down and dirty, nothing beats the doggy's style.
A man, with a boquet of flowers.
A woman, sitting in ring of stone.
Then the quick thrust.
Delita, unable to block, unsheathed his sword and impaled the innocent.
"Ramza, what did you get? I..."
"What the hell did we just watch?" Deis said, as she watched Delita slump to the ground.
"I think Paula stabbed Delita. With a pan. Then got impaled." Rolf said, blinking. "Looks like he's the winner to me."
"Stabbed? With a pan? Besides, I never saw a pan. Looked like she punched him." Cyril said querulously.
"Looked like she had a knife to me. Wouldn't have thought she had that in her! Hehehehe." Luca Blight said, grinning.
"A knife? She can't even equip one?" "So what?" "Are you both crazy? It was a punch!" "Pan!" "Knife!"
-...why are they arguing over this? I'd tell them Delita just got badly wasted last night and paid Paula to do this, then forgot, but they wouldn't even listen.- Mewtwo sighed to himself, as he watched the other judges fight. -At least they agree Delita won.-
Delita Hyral: 58
The fight was fast, brutal, and one-sided. Shante just slung a few of her sleep winds until Bow collapsed. All while he barely made any effort to lift a finger. It seemed Shante had gotten lucky with her status, as Bow never even got a hit off.
After the match, the blue-haired singer dropped by Lieza's house in order to discuss her win. "I don't know how you managed to make that happen, but thanks Liez..."
Shante's sentence hung in the air as her mouth dropped open. Lieza was petting and hugging her newest pet, and the sight of it was something that would make anyone double-take a few times.
"Oh yes. I'm sorry I made you get beat up by the bad lady like that Bow. Do you want a snack? Yes you do! Roll over! Roll over! Good boy! Now fetch!"
Bow obediently (and enthusiastically) ran off after the treat Lieza had thrown for him. As it turns out, Bow was animal enough to be tamed by Lieza, and so Lieza had simply used Ravish on him before the match and made him lose it.
And so Shante wins her match, Lieza gets a replacement for the dog which drowned in the Great Disaster, and Bow... well, he's probably happier this way, since he gets affection from a pretty blonde girl on a regular basis now.
Scratch that. Definitely happier.
Kahn's a vampire hunter on par with the legendary Belmont clan. Fearless and brave, he packs a rune perfectly suited to smiting the undead. Despite heated claims from many in the arena, including esteemed godlikes such as Luca Blight and Ghaleon, 'puny little Vulcanlike elves' do not not count as evil beings sworn to serve darkness.
Kahn getting beaten by Wind of Sleep and puny elvish physical may have been embarassing, but getting laughed out of the Vampires Hunter club the day after was just bloody unneeded.
Kahn Marley: 31
Sure, Killey could take down Scythe in about two hits at the worst, but where's the fun in that? Killey thought so and decided to make an example out of this one.
First, Killey got a ride to the country over and in the space of a few hours (profile can do things for your PRs) got possession of the military supplies.
Scythe was waiting impatiently. How dare this blood-colored fool make a Crimson Noble like himself wait? Just as soon as the judges get ready to call the match for Scythe, Killey rides in on a mobile transporter. "Scythe, I've decided that maybe directly fighting you isn't the answer because you're too weak to face me. So I leave you a present."
With that, over 4000 army jeeps, 200 transport trucks, 900 tanks, and 60 airplanes all fly into the arena and crush Scythe in a matter of seconds.
"I am going to kill Nate. With a icepick. Slowly." Chisato Madison said, fuming , as she sat down in the arena stands.
"What? Just because he made us cover this?" Odin shrugged. "That's not that weird, it's a slow news day."
"This is literally "Dog bites Man", though." Morte shook his head. "It's not a surprise she's annoyed."
"So...angry...stupid...job..." Chisato muttered, as she watched Saleh attempt to half-heartedly cast Elfire on the cute dog.
"I don't get it. She doesn't have to even work, just watch the fight, and she's still angry?" Ultros lounged, his tentacles taking up multiple seats, as the camera whirred on a tripod.
"...hate...cute...worthless...dog..." Chisato mumbled.
"She doesn't like watching Punys fight." Morte said. "Oh." Odin nodded.
"...gah!" Chisato, with an angry burst of energy, proceeded to heave Odin over her head, and throw him bodily at Kogoro. "There. Job done. I'm out of here." Chisato added, heaving a sigh of relief, as she walked rapidly out of the arena.
"...Should we tell her Kogoro just chased Odin out of the arena?" Gilgamesh asked, curiously. "Nah." Morte clacked his teeth together. "Should we cover for her?" "Nah. Nate won't care, he does this to her just so she'll make news." Morte nodded, as he watched Saleh attempt again to burn Kogoro, this time producing a series of unhappy whines.
"Well, there's only one thing left to do." Ultros said. "Throw another NPC at Kogoro?" Morte asked. "Boo until our throats are sore and hope Saleh gets distracted?" Gilgamesh queried. "Nah, run up a huge tab on the company dime." "Ah, yeah." "Party time!"
And that's the story of how the Behind the Scenes crew-what remained of it-proceeded to get happily wasted as their camera filmed Saleh slowly burning a dog to death.
Well, hell, it beats politics.
One meek, submissive mage.
A crowd full of perverts.
In fact, the first such crowd in quite some time.
As Lieza and Nanami watched in horror as they turned seltzer bottles on them, as Nanami fled the battle in tears while Lieza desperately tried to cover herself properly, the question "Why!?" could be heard to ring in the arena.
Indeed, perversion had become less common. For a time.
Why was this?
"What do you mean, Rydia kicked you out? She kicks you out every week, Edge." Yuri shook his head, as his friend dejectedly walked next to him.
"Not in the past few months." Edge sighed. "I was really trying, too! I only looked at women when she wasn't anywhere near me! I took her out to dinner, and bought her candy a few times...then bam! The moment I stare at a woman's chest, just once, in a restaraunt with her, she kicks me out when we get home! That's not fair!"
"...I'd explain, but it wouldn't do any good. C'mon, if you're kicked out, you might as well watch Lieza and Nanami's match." "Oh, sure." Edge said, grinning. "They're not too bad, are they?"
Yes, that's right.
Rydia is the source of all the Duelling League's perversion problems.
Whenever she's not in a steady relationship, all the males anywhere near her, influenced by the incredible power and healthy urges of the summons of a mature woman, are fueled to heights of perversion.
Why not women moreso?
Well, there's more male summons.
Makes sense, doesn't it?
Hammer against boomerang?
There's clearly only one way to settle this!
"Aw, darn." Van said, as he watched the massive foot of a gear descend on the trenchcoated quarterknight representing him with a loud CRUNCH, while Lucied howled in despair in the background.
"HAHAHAHA! My mad skillz haven't dulled at all, bro! Whooooo!"
"Hah! Told you it wasn't even close." Belle said, laughing. "I win!"
Friends fighting friends can cause many problems.
Even if they're willing to compete in a friendly event-as often is the case-there are still some unfair advantages, such as knowing each other well.
Chiepoo had brought with him the world's largest rat. (He paid Champo quite a bit to get it caught, but it was going to be worth it.)
Katarina, as Chiepoo had knew she would, shrieked in horror.
Predictably, Katarina hates rats. As Chiepoo knew well. Friends know each other's weaknesses. Or can guess well, at any rate.
Life's not fair, is it?
Well, Chiepoo agreed, as Katarina, in standard mage reflex, nuked both him and a rat with a Furious Blow.
This is why guessing is bad.
Chiepoo didn't really get down about the whole thing, though. He managed to sell the rat back, nicely crisped, for about three times the exorbatent price he'd paid for it, to Champo. He didn't really expect to win anyways. But it had been worth a shot.
Red-Haired Swordsmen chosen to save the world, UNITE!
Claude walked off, saddened, after his rejection.
"Rejected! Just because I'm a blonde. Now that's not fair." He sighed. "Oh well..."
"No, you press it!" "No, you!" "You!" "...!" Meanwhile, the gathering of heroes behind him had degenerated into a shouting match.
"Look, if we all press it, we can all take on anything that comes. Right?" Zelos said reasonably.
"..." Adol looked thoughtful.
"That makes sense." "Yeah. Not much can take on five heroes." Nods were exchanged all around, as they all proceeded to press the big shiny red button simultaniously.
"Oooooh. My head." The Goddess of Prophesy, in her high Crystal Spiral Tower Named After Some Generic Myth, came to. "Uhn. I think the worms must have lived and are eating my forehead." She said. "Never again. Never tequila. Did I even come up with anything last night?" She said, rifling through a pile of papers near her desk.
"Ah, yeah. Red headed heroes, doomed to change...die? No, change." She said, scribbling out a part of the prophesy notes. "Change into less harmless forms so that they don't ever become emo angsty whiners and instead try to destroy the world. Just talk them into pressing the right...or wrong...button. Not so sure it's grounded in prophesy, but it sure sounds good." She mumbled, attempting to get back to sleep.
"EEEE~! Claude!" A gaggle of red-headed women, coming from the direction of the Signpost of Prophesy.
"Huh?" Was all Claude could manage to say, before the transgendered hero(ines?) tackled him to the ground, spreading kisses and happy greetings in his general direction.
And so, Claude saved the world from ever possibly getting destroyed by Asch, Zelos, Adol, Luke or Roy. By pointing at a button.
Hey, there have been more stupid ways of saving the world.
And it goes to show that the old saying is true.
Blondes do really have more fun.