Messages

26

General Chat / Re: Movies

« on: June 12, 2019, 12:53:06 AM »

Also saw Godzilla. A bit unfortunate that the monsters other than Godzilla and Ghidorah feature so briefly. But those two monsters look amazing. The "new" monsters are super lame. A mammoth? Sorry I don't remember the Japanese movie "Godzilla Fights a Fucking Mammoth".

While he never fought a Mammoth, he has fought completely lame shit before.  A giant lobster, a giant condor that didn't even have a name just "Giant Condor' and it was like 1/10th his size, and Preying Mantises all come to mind. 

Hell, one of the original titans is a Giant Spider, which there was a giant spider Kaiju in the Toho-verse in the form of Kumonga, so while technically original, it's still got a precedent.

Really, there's only 2 completely new monster concepts in the movie: The Mammoth and the huge turtle thing that we never get a good shot of. 
The other two were the aforementioned Spider and MUTO Prime, which was a derivative from the first movie's villains.

That said, it's easy to explain why they made a bunch of new monsters, rather than tapping into Toho's huge well:

Licensing issues. 

They got the rights to the 4 we saw in the movie, and King Kong is in public domain from my understanding.  The rest...yeah.  I imagine if they make movies after Godzilla vs. Kong, they'll do try to get like Gigan, Mechagodzilla, ANguirus or something.

27

General Chat / Re: Final Fantasy 14 Stormblood Abridged aka the Adventures of Meepel

« on: June 11, 2019, 02:36:04 AM »

Side Quest: The Dark Knight Rises Up And Rains The Iron Roof Off!

Narrator: Let us travel back in time...namely Ishgard!

P. Meepel: So...this is Ishgard…
Alphinaud: Indeed, I’m surprised we finally got here myself.
W. Meepel: It cold.
P. Meepel: I figured that was a given!
W. Meepel: Me still complain about it.
Alphinaud: Seeing as we have time to spare, we might as well see the sights.  I’m going to check out the scholiaste!
P. Meepel: You do that, I’m going to...go to the bar and get drunk, I guess.
W. Meepel: Me not think you heavy drinker.
P. Meepel: Look, we just saw all our friends possibly die, we were branded a traitor by all of Ul’dah for something we didn’t do, and it’s FREAKING FREEZING HERE.  Excuse me if you don’t think I need a drink!
W. Meepel: No who complaining?

*after a few drinks and some traveling around seeing the sites*
Random Holy Knight: Oi! You there, laddie!
P. Meepel: ...why am I getting bad deja vu about where this is going?
Random Holy Knight: I need your help dealing with a heretic, laddie!
P. Meepel: Ok...why me though?
Random Holy Knight: Shut up! I need ye to move this corpse of a heretic and get rid of it! You’re a strong lad, right laddie?
P. Meepel: ...yep, I can DEFINITELY see where this is going…
W. Meepel: Me get popcorn?
P. Meepel: No, that won’t be necessary...that said, why do I have to do it? Why can’t you? I’m just a tourist!
Random Holy Knight: Quiet! I can’t do this, laddie! I’m an important person around these parts, or my name isn’t…
*giants rocks crush him*
P. Meepel: ...White Mage, was that really…
Wh. Meepel: Yep ^_^
P. Meepel: Ok, just making sure.  Anyway, you want to have fun with this corpse of an apparent heretic?
Wh. Meepel: Corpses? Yay!!! ^_^
*Meepel drags the corpse behind the Brume*
P. Meepel: Ok, so before we get rid of this, maybe we should go through his pockets or something…
W. Meepel: That not way to respect dead…
P. Meepel: Look, there might be SOMETHING of value...I don’t mean monetarily, just this whole situation is a little suspicious…
Wh. Meepel: What’s suspicious about brutal murder ^_^
P. Meepel: ...not what I’m talking about…
W. Meepel: Fine, me check…
*Warrior stumbles across a weird stone*
W. Meepel: This look important…
P. Meepel: Yeah, looks a lot like our Job stones and...it’s glowing...right when we touched it…and why do I feel dizzy…
*Meepel faints for a moment*
Voice in Head: Get up, proud hero!
P. Meepel: Are you talking to me?
Voice in Head: Yes, GET UP I KNOW YOU’RE AWAKE!
P. Meepel: Geez fine...wait, who said that…
*Meepel looks up to see the corpse is standing right there*
Former Corpse: Finally, you’re awake! Glad you touched the stone, I guess it rightfully belongs to you!
P. Meepel: ...who are you and how are you not dead?
Former Corpse: Apologies, I am Fray, herald of darkness!  You have been chosen by the darkness! Darkness is your heart's true essence! Submit to the Darkness!
W. Meepel: ...we leaving?
P. Meepel: Yeah, I don’t trust this guy…
Fray: Wait! Seriously! You have a strong darkness in you! It’d be ashame to waste it!
P. Meepel: Yeah, but...I’m the Warrior of Light...I think Darkness kind of goes against my MO…
Fray: But the stone reacted! Trust me, Darkness isn’t evil, it’s in fact quite healthy when used properly!  Look just try it out once, and if you don’t like it, I’ll leave you alone…
P. Meepel: ...fine.  Give me that thing.  Ok, so...I guess I evoke it like anything else and…
*cue Kingdom Hearts’ Darknessesque transformation sequence*
D. Meepel: I HAVE RISEN!!!!
P. Meepel: ...and you are?
D. Meepel: Aha! Pleasure to meet you, sisters!
P. Meepel: ...I’m not your sister…
W. Meepel: Me neither…
D. Meepel: I am Dark Knight! Warrior of Justice! Defender of the Weak! Bringer of all that is right to this wronged world!
P. Meepel: ...we’re not getting rid of you anytime soon, are we?
D. Meepel: Nay, dear sister! I shall fight by your side forever more!
Fray: Aha! Yes, it seems you’ve already attuned yourself to the darkness, to use freely to defend the weak and innocent with the power of DARKNESS!!!
D. Meepel: Yes, I am ready! Train me in those ways, Lord Fray!
P. Meepel: Question...what exactly IS a Dark Knight and where do they come from?
Fray: I’m glad you ask! They are wielders of Darkness who follow their own heart.  Where there is Light, Darkness always follows in the shadows!
P. Meepel: You haven’t really answered my…
D. Meepel: Heed sister! I need know of my origins!
Fray: There was an almighty noble jack ass, you see, who had done many acrime, BUT JUSTICE COULD NOT BE SERVED IN THE LIGHT! Then one man whose heart had submitted to the DARKNESS went against the law and struck justice upon him!  This is proof that DARKNESS is the heart’s true esscence.
P. Meepel: So basically an order of vigilantes, got it.
D. Meepel: Aha, yes! I am ready to strike justice against the unjust!  Pray tell how we do this?
Fray: Look, just go find SOMEONE who needs help.
Female Civillian: Help! My granddaughter has been taken by the Temple Knights! They’re clearly the BAD Temple Knights and this isn’t the first time it happens!
P. Meepel: ...convenient...yeah, have fun with that one, Dark Knight.
D. Meepel: Milday, I would be honored to save your granddaughter! I SHALL RESCUE HER IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE!
*Some filler investigating later*
D. Meepel: I feel off...what are these emotions? Hate...anger...fear…
Fray: Oh they just fuel your power. NOTHING TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT!  Just use them to strike DOWN YOUR ENEMIES...WITH DARKNESS!

*one dramatic rescue later*
D. Meepel: Aha! Justice has been served! Now onto the next tragedy I shall prevent!
Voice: Good job, now go do more stuff!
D. Meepel: What is this voice I hear, and why does it sound like yours, Fray?
Fray: Oh that’s just the DARKNESS beacon, trying to guide you to MORE DARKNESS!!!
Voice: GO TO SOUTHERN THANALAN NOW! MORE DARKNESS AWAITS YOU!
D. Meepel: It seems we must go to Southern Thanalan then!

*at Southern Thanalan*
Fray: OK, we need to do a COMMUNION here! So guy find someone who needs help…
Gundobald: Help! Weak peistes are causing problems!
P. Meepel: So why don’t you deal with them? Seriously, they’re just freaking Peistes!
Gundobald: Because we can’t! All of us are afraid! Here, take this algoat mutton and lure them out!
D. Meepel: It seems our next task is ahead of us, COME! LET US GO!
*some dead Peistes later*
Fray: Ah, good, and this is exactly where the communion shall go! Now, BREATHE IN THE DARKNESS! BECOME ONE WITH THE DARKNESS.
D. Meepel: This does not in anyway seem suspicious, I shall do exactly that!
Voice: And thus, soon you will understand that DARKNESS IS THE HEART’S TRUE ESSENCE, and that NOTHINGNESS IS ETERNAL!
D. Meepel: Come! Let us go do MORE GOOD DEEDS in the name of JUSTICE!
Fray: And Darkness! Don’t forget that!
D. Meepel: Yes, AND DARKNESS!
*some tasks later...yes, I’m skipping over most of the level 40 and 45 stuff because it’s filler*

Fray: This is bullcrap! We help all these people with the power of DARKNESS and they do not do anything to us in return!
D. Meepel: We need not ask for anything in return, just protecting them out of the goodness of our hearts!
Fray: Bah! Darkness should power them up so they can protect themselves! This is getting ridiculous, let them fend for themselves I say!
D. Meepel: But then, if everyone had Darkness, Dark Knights would not be a thing!?
Fray: ...fair point...by the way, DARKNESS!
Voice: By the way...Serve...Save...Slave...Slay! Serve...Save...Slave...Slay! Nope! Nothing suspicious here! Totally not trying to corrupt you!
Fray: By the way, if you truly want to embrace Darkness, you must leave EVERYTHING behind! Hydaelyn, the Scions, Eorzea! ALL of it! Only then can you be free!
P. Meepel: Get rid of the Scions? Really? If it was THAT easy I’d be done with it a long time ago!  Hells, I think them going MIA may have been the best thing to happen to me! At least I don’t have to hear THAT every 5 minutes anymore..
D. Meepe: What would that be, sister!?
P. Meepel: Not saying or it’ll trigger me!
W. Meepel: She mean “Return to Waking Sands” or “Return to Rising Stones”
P. Meepel: ...you did that on purpose…
W. Meepel: Me did.
Fray: Good, now, just one more thing and you’ll be a true DARKNESS!!!

*at Gates of Judgment*
D. Meepel: hey Fray, where are you!
Random Ishgardian Knight: Hark! Is that warrior of Light?! Can you do us a favor please?
D. Meepel: What is it, good sir?
Random Ishgardian Knight: We have a problem and since we figure your friend will wait for you, can you deal with it for us?
D. Meepel: Sounds fine! FOR JUSTICE!!!
*one task later where Dark Knight does all the work and the worthless guys be...well...worthless...*
Random Ishgardian Knight: Thank you, you are a true hero! For you see…*starts to rabble on*
Voice: Serve...save...slave...stay! YES! GIVE IN! SOON YOU WILL GIVE IN!
Random Ishgardian Knight: By the way, you did something wrong and you need to do a trial in Whitebrim Font, I suggest you go there and talk to Lord Drillemont!
D. Meepel: Wait what? But I do no such thing! I simply helped you out...where’s Fray anyway?
Voice: KILL THEM ALL!!!

*at Whitebrim Font*
Drillemont: Warrior of Light! You are hearbye under arrest for doing a bunch of murders!
D. Meepel: I do no such thing!
Drillemont: People said they saw you directly! You were traveling alone this entire time too!
D. Meepel: Nonsense! Where is Fray anyway?
Fray: I’m right here...or am I!?
D. Meepel: Fray, where have you been!?
Fray: I have always been in you, DARKNESS! For I am DARKNESS! Your Darkness!
D. Meepel: Fray, are you alright?
Fray: Don’t you see? I am not simply Darkness, I am YOUR Darkness! For I am you!
*Fray transforms into an EVIL version of Meepel*
P. Meepel: Ok, TIME OUT! What in the halls of Aurum Vale is going on here?
Fray: Don’t you see? I am your DARKNESS! Your every negative thought!
P. Meepel: ...so basically you’re White Mage…
Fray: I am the culmination of all your sins!
P. Meepel: ...so...White Mage?
Fray: And now the Darkness shall consume you and you shall murder all these people!
P. Meepel: ...yep, definitely White Mage.
D. Meepel: Stay sisters! I shall deal with this FALSE DOPPELGANGER of us! Have at thee, vile traitor! I will prove that Darkness is not what you claim!


*one battle totally not ripping off FF4 later*
Fray: How did you best me!? I AM YOUR DARKNESS!
D. Meepel: Foul creature, do you not understand? The Darkness doesn’t control me! I control the Darkness! It is the twilight that gives me strength! I am a Warrior of Light who uses the power of Darkness to protect and defend those who cannot defend themselves! Unlike you who is a slave to the Darkness, I stand above it!
Fray: ...crap...I was hoping that wouldn’t be the case…
*Fray disappears*
Drillemont: Well, we shall NEVER SPEAK OF WHAT WE SAW HERE TODAY! In fact, you know what? TODAY NEVER HAPPENED! Everyone who was hear spontaneously got sick and was bedridden for 24 hours, YOU ALL GOT THAT!?
White Brim Font Population: Yep, we understand!
P. Meepel: Well good, glad that’s done with...I guess we should move on?
D. Meepel: Yes, sister! THE BATTLES HAVE JUST BEGUN!

*sometime later, at the Brume*
P. Meepel: So...any ideas what to do next?
D. Meepel: Nay sister! It would seem things have calmed down since we have last struck down the horde!
W. Meepel: Me not even sure what mean.  Villagers angry.
Temple Knight Man: AH!!! YOU!!!!
P. Meepel: Who me?
Temple Knight Man: No! THE OTHER YOU!
D. Meepel: I believe he means me, sister! What is the problem, good sir!?
Temple Knight Man: ...sorry, just doing my daily panic practices for when a REAL problem occurs.  Also needed to get your attention.
W. Meepel: Me think we walk away.
P. Meepel: Agreed.
D. Meepel: Nay! This is a man of the Holy KNights who needs our help!  Good warrior, what ails you?
P. Meepel: ...you have fun with that…
Temple Knight Man: Ah yes, meet me at the Behemoth Dominion, we have much to discuss!

*at the Behemoth Dominion*
D. Meepel: Now what seems to be the problem?
Temple Knight Man: YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BROTHERS! GET HER LADS!!!
D. Meepel: Wait what? I did no such thing!
*one fight later where Dark Knight wins without even using her weapon to avoid killing anyone*
D. Meepel: There, now, let us talk this over like civilized knights!
Temple Knight Man: Nonsense! I WILL EXPOSE YOU FOR YOUR CRIMES! YOU WILL SEE WHY THEY SAY I’M IMPORTANT!!!
*a large male Xaelan Dark Knight appears behind him*
Xaelan Dark Knight: And what, pray tell, are you doing here?
Temple Knight Man: *high pitch squeal leading to death by collapsed lung...no I don’t know how that works*
D. Meepel: ...who might you be and why did you kill him?
Xaelan Dark Knight: ...I didn’t...he just kind of ran up to me and died out of shear fear.  I wasn’t aware that was possible, but here we are…but anyway, I heard of another Dark Knight in the area, you must be her.  I would like to talk to you about that!
D. Meepel: And how do I know I can trust you?
Xaelan Dark Knight: You’re right, you can’t.  So let’s meet at the Forgotten Knight; I’m sure we can both agree it’d be REALLY STUPID for me to start something in the middle of a bar.
D. Meepel: Alright, you got me.

*at the Forgotten Knight*
D. Meepel: Before we discuss anything, care to tell me your name?
Xaelan Dark Knight: Forgive me, I am SIDURGU!  Master Dark Knight extraoirdinaire, and...ok, I can’t even pretend to be happy, I’m just kind of in a perpetual state of depression.
D. Meepel: Nay, there’s nothing to be upset about! But what did you want to talk to me about?
Sidurgu: Did you know someone by the name of Fray?
D. Meepel: Ah, yes, Fray! Taught me everything I know about being a Dark Knight then tried to kill me!
Sidurgu: ...ok, that sounds about right.
D. Meepel: ...wait, why do you have his sword?
Sidurgu: Because he gave it to me before he died...after trying to betray me...yeah let’s not go back into that, it’s depressing.  Anyway, I was hoping, as a fellow Xaelan Dark Knight such as myself, we could work together.
D. Meepel: ...and who is that young girl by your side?
Sidurgu: Someone VERY IMPORTANT TO ME OK!?
D. Meepel: Does she have a name?
Sidurgu: You don’t get it! My master on his death bed talked about the FLAME IN THE ABYSS! Neither Fray nor myself could understand it! I must get to it! WE followed the Dark Knight creed to no avail!
D. Meepel: ok, but good sir, what is her na-...
Sidurgu: We tried to rescue her and got branded heretics by the order! FRAY WAS KILLED EVEN!
D. Meepel: Ok, but what is her name…
Sidurgu: And that is the story of how I met Rielle!
D. Meepel: ...why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place?
Rielle: ...you’re scary…
D. Meepel: Nonsense, young lady! I am sure you are a fine lass who I would be glad to protect!  What is your story?
Rielle: People think I’m a scary abomination…
D. Meepel: Why would they say that?
Rielle: Because...I don’t know
Sidurgu: Yes, I was hoping to take her to the Vanu to get her examined, I could use help getting there.
D. Meepel: OF COURSE! I WOULD BE HONORED TO HELP YOU!


*at the Zundu camp*
D. Meepel: Pray good honorable Zundu leader, can you help us scan this girl?
Zundu Chief: ...go away outsider…
P. Meepel: Wait, NOW you’re calling us outsiders? We helped out how many times? And this is how you respect us? The LEAST you could do is help us out with a simple examination!
Zundu: Oh, Meepel! Sory, didn’t recognize you without your hat!
P. Meepel: Yeah, it is a pretty awesome ha-...I mean, wait THAT’S the only thing you remember about me?
Zundu: I mean, you all look the same to me otherwise!
P. Meepel: ...that’s racist on so many levels, I’m just going to stop here in disgust…
Sidurgu: Anyway, I would like to know if she truly is an abomination or if people are just idiots...and if she is one, is it really a bad thing?
Rielle: Could you not use that word?
Zundu Healer: It’ll take me some time. 
D. Meepel: Well, what should we do until then?
Temple Knights: THERE THEY ARE! THE DARK KNIGHTS WHO KILLED THAT IMPORTANT GUY IN SHEAR FEAR! ALSO THEY HAVE THE GIRL!
Sidurgu: ...I think that answers our question…
*one pointless battle later*
Sidurgu: The Temple Knights are awful! If it weren’t for them, Rielle would be safe! It makes me so angry, I could just KILL THEM ALL *Dark Energy swirling*
Rielle: No, don’t! Sorry, it’s all my fault, please calm down
Sidurgu:...I could never be mad at you.  Thank you for calming me down.  Let’s go get a drink…
D. Meepel: Agreed! I am thirsty myself after this!
Rielle: ...but I’m not old-...
Sidurgu: WE’RE GETTING A DRINK AT THE FORGOTTEN KNIGHT THAT’S FINAL!

*at the Forgotten Knight, and some more back and forth with temple knights and talking to E-Sumi-Yami that we’re skipping because it’s boring*
D. Meepel: So, Rielle, perhaps you can tell us a bit about your past.  We know nothing about you, my young lovely lady!
Rielle: Well, you see...I was kept in a windowless cell for a long time.  I don’t know why.  It was horrible .
Sidurgu: Did you drink Dragonsblood? I know that gives super powers and transforms people.
Rielle: NO I DIDN’T! I couldn’t even hear the rain! That’s how bad it was!  My captors simply said “it was better this way!”
W. Meepel: Me think story sad.
Sidurgu: Thank you for helping me, fellow Dark KNight.  As such, I will teach you the TRUE NATURE OF DARK ARTS!
D. Meepel: WONDERFUL! I WILL USE IT IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE!


*one training session later*
Sidurgu: So to make sure you don’t actually have an affinity towards Dragons, let’s go talk to actual Dragons.
D. Meepel: I know JUST THE ONE!

*at Anyx Trine*
Vidofnir: Warrior of Light, what can I help you with this time?
D. Meepel: We need to know the nature of this young girl here...or at least if she has anything to do with you.
Vidofnir: Let’s see...ah yes, go talk to the Dragon who is nearly dying nearbye! He should help you!
Sidurgu: This suddenly got morbid...and seeing as I’m a Dark Knight, that’s saying something!
*by that next Dragon*
Dying Dragon: Yes, you have the blood my beloved in you young hyur girl.
Rielle: What?!
Dying Dragon: And since you haven’t succumbed to the blood, it must be natural via birth from parent to parent!
P. Meepel: Wait...so Dragons and Hyur CAN mate!? And it’s happened before? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF SAINT SHIVA AND HRAESVELGR THEN BEING SO SPECIAL!? AAAAAAH!
*Paladin starts bashing head against wall*
Sidurgu: Alas, I could not master the Darkness to truly protect her, WHY IS THAT!?
Dying Dragon: Did you say DARKNESS? Ah! The creatures near-bye in the Churning Mists can help you in controlling that
D. Meepel: But the only creatures besides Dragons nearbye are Moo-...
P. Meepel: *now sporting a concussion* I’m going to assume that what you were about to say is not what you were actually saying and merely the result of the concussion.  I need a drink, we’ll handle that later!

*at the Forgotten Knight*
Sidurgu: So...I guess we’ll finally get the flames of the abyss from these creatures…
D. Meepel: Indeed! A true way to justice!
Random Noblewoman: Yes, there! DARK KNIGHT I HAVE FOUND YOU!
Sidurgu: ...who are you again?
Random Noblewoman: YOU KNOW ME! I am Ystride! Now your options are surrender or TRIAL BY COMBAT or DEATH TO YOU AND ALL WHO AID YOU, knight who stand against Halone.
Sidurgu:...why would I not choose Trial by Combat again?
Ystride: Because...uhh...honor?
Rielle: Wait! Mother! Don’t do it!
Ystride: Don’t you dare call me that, YOU DISGRACE! You left me! I don’t even want to look at you!
Sidurgu: Wait...she’s your mother?
Rielle: Yes, she is…
Sidurgu: And you’re only telling us NOW!?
D. Meepel: Calm down, Sidurgu, I’m sure she had reas-...
Sidurgu: FRAY DIED BECAUSE OF YOU! I was ostracized because of you! AND ONLY NOW YOU TELL US THIS!?
Rielle: I’m sorry, but...I...uhh…
Sidurgu: No, I don’t want to even look at you now!
Rielle: Then I shall explain to Meepel! See, my mother and the Orthodox Church had strong ties...then my father drank Dragon’s Blood for a long time without telling mom, and he was going to do so to kill her because he was a heretic in secret...then he died...and that’s where I got my dragon blood from…
P. Meepel: …
D. Meepel: What’s wrong sister?
P. Meepel: I think I...might have...overreacted...to lacking the full story...I’m just going to sit down and have a long, hard look at my life while I drown my despairs in a bottle over there…
D. Meepel: But you’re a living legend! What could you possibly regret?
P. Meepel: The concussion for starters…
Rielle: So my mother was afraid of what I might become, so she put me in a cell for years.  It’s so hard to talk about, I’m so sorry!
Sidurgu: I owe you an apology too; I didn’t realize it was so hard.  Now, we should head to the Churning Mists, to meet the creatures that can help...any idea what they could be?
D. Meepel: Well, there is one kind of creature that lives there besides Dragons...

*at Moghome*
Moggie: Welcome, Kupo!!!
Sidurgu: ...why does the darkness torture me so?
D. Meepel: It’s ok, sir! The Darkness is still with you!
Sidurgu: But I will never master it at this rate! AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH MOOGLES?
RIelle: You always obsess over the Darkness and never leave time for me! I hate you!
*runs away crying*
D. Meepel: So...should we go after he-...
Sidurgu: No, we must continue our path, we can find her early!
Moggie: Kupo! Good, if you want to find the Flames of Abyss, kupo, you’ll need to do a bunch of tasks!
*meaningless tasks that have nothing to do with Darkness later that is clearly Moggie fucking with Dark Knight and Sidurgu*
Sidurgu: Ok, we’ve done all your meaningless work, can we PLEASE have the Flames of the Abyss?
Moggie: Well about that...you fell for our trap, kupo!
D. Meepel: Trap? What Trap!?
Moggie: We have KIDNAPPED YOUR FRIEND KUPO! If you want her back, you must find us at Asah.
*at Asah*
Sidurgu: GIVE HER BACK TO ME AT ONCE OR YOU WILL DIE!
Mogsguard: You heard him! Everyone, let’s do...OUR ULTIMATE ATTACK!
“Good King Moggle Mog Good King Mog!
Lord of all the land!
Good king Moggle Mog Good King Mog!
Rules with Iron Hand!”
D. Meepel: ...they seem rather festive…
Sidurgu: ...this is a far more frightening opponent than I could have ever thought possible…
*one full dance later followed by a Sidurgu beating Moogles senseless*
Sidurgu: Ok, WHERE IS SHE?!
Rielle: ...I’m right here…
Sidurgu: ...this was a set up, wasn’t it?
Rielle:  You don’t get it; you only came to help me to further your quest to Darkness! You care nothing for me! I thought you were protecting me because you wanted to, but no, you just care about Darkness!
D. Meepel: but...I wanted to help you!
Rielle: I know! I’m only talking about THAT jerk!
Sidurgu: ...you know what? You’re right.  I’ve been horrible.  I apologize; I should be protecting you and not obsessed with darkness.  The real issue is we haven’t been working together.  The Flames of the Abyss can wait; what’s more important is we resolve the problem.  Wow, I feel like a huge weight on my shoulders have been lifted…
D. Meepel: SEE? Being heroic is it’s own reward! Come! Let us go back to the Forgotten Knight!
Sidurgu: Indeed.  Rielle, from now on, don’t hesitate to speak up.  My blade is yours now! I will act towards your interests, not my own!
P. Meepel: So he went from being obsessed with his own darkness under the pretense of protecting her to...being a slave to her whims and thus basically whipped by someone half his size...did I get that right?
W. Meepel: That seem right…
Sidurgu: Nevertheless, there is one other thing I learned from all this…
D. Meepel: What’s that, good sir knight?
Sidurgu: This entire ordeal with moogles...WAS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME!

*Forgotten Knight*
Sidurgu: I feel like we’re forgetting something…
P. Meepel: A psycho mother who leads a bunch of knights who wants you dead?
Rielle: Yeah, we probably should deal with my mother…
D. Meepel: Yes, this letter indicates we shall face her in the Western Highlands!

*at Coerthas*
Ystride: Now then, you’ve come.
Sidurgu: Agreed.  My only ally I need is Meepel.
D. Meepel: And I shall aide you valiantly!
Ystride: Good...because I brought an army of KNights, KILL THEM ALL!
Rielle: Wait, mother, I’m right here!
Ystride: Did you not hear me? I said kill them all!
Temple Knights: Right! Remember men! Each and everyone of us is important! WE CAN TAKE DOWN THOSE DARK KNIGHTS EASILY!
D. Meepel: Say Sidurgu…
Sidurgu: Yes?
D. Meepel: Can you stand...intimidatingly again?
Sidurgu: You mean...like this?
*Stands there with a death stair, all the knights scream at a high pitch voice and die of collapsed lungs*
Ystride: ...well that didn’t work, bah! I’ll do the deed mysel-*hit by a flying rock to the face at force knocking her to the ground*
P. Meepel: Nice shot, White Mage; you managed to hit her perfectly without killing her…
Wh. Meepel: But...she was suppose to die ;_;
D. Meepel: Anyway, foul woman, any last words before we take you to the proper authorities!
Ystride: ...you were a mistake, Rielle.
Rielle: And yet, I will still pray for you one last time, mother. May halone take you gracefully.
D. Meepel: Let us reconvene at the usual place then!


*Forgotten Knight*
D. Meepel: It seems we did well. What do you wish to do from here, Rielle?
Rielle: I’ll stay with Sid, so long as he promises to be honest with me from here on in! If he doesn’t, I leave!
Sidurgu: HEY! THAT’S NOT FAIR! I TOTALLY PROMISED TO BE HONEST WITH YOU!!!
Rielle: Tee-hee ^_^
P. Meepel: Are we finally done with this? Because I feel like I need to go stab some primals in the faces to get back to some semblance of normalcy…
D. Meepel: ANd what was different about this?
P. Meepel: We had to deal with Moogle Kidnappers that weren’t actually kidnapping...and White Mage actually spared someone’s life even if by accident…

*Some time later*
D. Meepel: Ah, Sidguru and Rielle, how goes it my comrades?
Sidguru: Ah, yes, Meepel.  Things are fine.  We’ve been hanging in there.
Rielle: He still has anger issues though…
Sidguru: HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT ME!?
Rielle: Sidguru, remember what you learned in therapy…
Sidguru: I know.  Relax.  Be calm.  Just imagine kicking moogles off the Sea of Clouds...anyway, I do have a small problem.  See, ever since you killed Nidhogg, Ishgard has been in peace and prosperity…
P. Meepel: ...how is that a bad thing?
Sidguru: Because the authorities have been lax and not doing their job; there’s still thieves and other scumbag around, so…
D. Meepel: We need to work DOUBLE JUSTICE is what I’m hearing? Let’s go…
Rielle: You don’t even know where you’re going, do you?
W. Meepel: She never do…
D. Meepel: Well, we can’t let our past get the better of us!
P. Meepel: ...that came out of nowhere and you know it.
Sidguru: In any event, we should discuss where to go ne-...
*Sound of glass breaking*
Sidguru: ...I know it’s just glass breaking but something feels off about that…
D. Meepel: My word, MY SOULSTONE HAS BEEN SPLIT IN TWO!
Sidguru: ...how? That’s not supposed to happen! Wait, can you still use your Dark Arts?
D. Meepel: Ai, I’m still fully capable! But it’s almost like someone was stealing Aether from my soulstone…
Random Androgenous Kid: Yeah, sorry about that…
P. Meepel: Ok, you came COMPLETELY OUT OF NOWHERE.  So I’ll just jump to two questions for you.  First, who are you? And 2nd, are you are a boy or a girl?
Random Androgenous Kid: I’m Myste, and I’m a boy, and I refuse to talk to the Paladin ever again!
D. Meepel: You best stay out of this, sister!
P. Meepel: Whatever; probably not worth my time; this is your problem after all.
Myste: Yeah, so...I was trying experiments with siphoning aether and drew it from yours because it was filled with DARKNESS and thought it was bad and may have screwed up a little...
Sidguru: ...you broke a soulstone...of a righteous hero at that...I’d say that’s more than just “a little.”
Myste: Ok, look! We can restore this if you go and do GOOD DEEDS from people that have somehow inherited the aether to restore it…
D. Meepel: So what you’re saying is...help people bring justice and my soulstone is restored?
Myste: I...uhh...yeah, sure!

*a few meaningfless job quests later; they’re not worth discussing, and this has gone on long enough*
Sidguru: How’s your soulstone?
D. Meepel: It’s getting stronger but still not repaired.
Myste: No, it seems all is lost.  We aren’t getting anywhere.  Woe is me! LIFE IS PAIN!
Rielle: ...and I thought I use to be depressed…
Sidguru: Well, you at least had a good reason for it!  This kid...we don’t even know who he is.
Myste: THE PAST IS MEANINGLESS! ONLY MY FAILURES MANNER!
Sidguru: Ok kid, listen, here’s the deal.  We’re going to the Moghome, because the happiness and fun fluffy moogles should cheer you up!
P. Meepel: ...we both know the real reason is because you need to let off steam by punching a moogle in the face.
Sidguru: I won’t deny that is an extra incentive…
*after sometime in Moghome*
Sidguru: ...ok, we are never coming back here and I am sorry I ever suggested it!
Myste: Yeah, but I feel inspired again! Come, I have an idea!

*at Asah in the Churning Mists*
Myste: So, Sidguru, I know something that can help! The Moogles told me about this guy Ser Ompagne and…
Sidguru: Wait, you’re not seriously going to…
Myste: Come out!
*Ser Ompagne’s soul appears*
Ser Ompagne: AHA! I live again…
Sidguru: Not...really...you’re just a physical manifestation of…
Ser Ompagne: SHUT UP BOY! Have I not taught you anything? Is that how you greet your father figure?
Sidguru: ...if I did greet you properly, you’d yell at me for being weak…
Ser Ompagne: Oh good, you WERE paying attention! How’s Fray?
Sidguru: She’s dead…
Ser Ompagne: And whose fault is that?
Sidguru: ...I refuse to answer that on grounds that no matter what I say you’ll…
Ser Ompagne: YOU SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED HER BETTER!
Rielle: ...well, your attempts at avoiding at that didn’t work.
Ser Ompagne: Next off, who is that other Dark Knight? I have not trained her!
D. Meepel: I am the WARRIOR OF LIGHT, wielding the power of darkness for TRUTH! JUSTICE! AND THE EORZEAN WAY!
Ser Ompagne: ...sure, that works.  But now we must fight! Because only in combat can we…
*one fight later with D. Meepel and Sidguru against Ser Ompagne*
Ser Ompagne: Well I’ll be, you beat me!
*disappears*
D. Meepel: So...I guess we shall purify the VOID GATE like we did those other times!?
Meeple Note: Yeah, that’s what was happening in earlier missions since Myste showed up; I kind of skipped over that because boring padding.
Myste: Yes, another one purified…
Sidguru: You’re holding back...why?
Myste: I can’t tell yo...PLEASE DON’T HARM ME!?
Sidguru: ...eh, I’m sure you have your reasons...
Rielle: Wow, that was awfully forgiving of you.  Maybe seeing his old father figure who trained him in Dark Arts calmed him down?
P. Meepel: Or he’s just so beaten from the fight he doesn’t have the energy to get angry for once…
D. Meepel: in any event, we must continue to fix my Soulstone, only then can I truly get back to bringing Justice to this land!

*another person aided and ended here, but this time Myste fails*
Myste: Oh god, I failed! WHAT SHALL I DO?!
Sidguru: Kid, seriously! LIGHTEN UP! Mistakes happen! You will deal with them!
Rielle: Says the man who has more than his fair share of mistakes and gets angry at someone else everytime he causes them!
Sidguru: NOT THE POINT!
D. Meepel: Yes, we must keep pushing onwards! We are almost there! I can feel it!
W. Meepel: Me think that just concussion from previous fight…
D. Meepel: That is also a distinct possibility…
Myste: NO! I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!
*Myste runs away*
D. Meepel: ...we should go after him…
*at Rhalgr’s Reach*
Sidguru: So...we should probably ask around if they’ve seen a weird conjuring kid around…
D. Meepel: Indeed. *ahem* CITIZENS OF ALA MHIGO! WE ARE LOOKING FOR A LOST CHILD! HE IS IN DANGER! HAVE YOU SEEN HIM!? HE LOOKS HE MIGHT BE A GIRL AND WIELDS ODD CONJURY!
Random Ala Mhigan Man: Oi! I know the lad!  He killed my chocobos yes he did!
Random Ala Mhigan Woman: And he scared my baby with his dark magic! I didn’t even know Conjury could do that! That’s suppose to be thaumaturge!
P. Meepel: Well it seems Myste has been a naughty boy…
Generic Ala Mhigan Guy: You go that right, laddie! The lad’s been causing us a lot of problems! I tell you, laddie, if you run into the lad, give him a nice beating like the good laddie you are!
P. Meepel: ...I’m done…
Generic Ala Mhigan Girl: He also caused my brother to die, and all for what? Just mentioning how he was an important person here? Then suddenly, boom! A large rock fell from the mountain side on him! It must be this boy’s fault…
D. Meepel: We mustn’t tardy! The boy must be found and suffered for his punishments! He couldn’t have gone for! Let us find him and hear the truth from him ourselves!

*one goose chase looking for Myste later that no one needs to read*
Myste: So you’ve finally found me...but now you must know the truth! You are the cause of all this! All the pain! Suffering! Death! IT MUST BE UNDONE! I can use my clones to do so, by ending you!
D. Meepel: ...I believe you are just wrong! All the lives I took were in the name of justice and were evil, that would have ended other lives! I always value protecting others first!
Myste: What about the deaths caused by massive impalings and tornados you cast?
D. Meepel: ...we are trying to work out White Mage’s addiction to taking lives, though progress is slow.
Sidguru: ...yeah, what she said…
D. Meepel: I CANNOT ALLOW THIS UNJUSTICE TO GO ON!
Myste: Nonsense! It is a charade! I MUST END THIS NOW!
D. Meepel: I will not stand for this, to battle!
Myste: Ahahah! But you can’t beat me! For you see...I am you! Which means Sidguru can’t touch me either…
Sidguru: Gods damn it, he’s right, I’m worthless here; only you can defeat yourself!
Myste: Ahaha! Too bad there isn’t TWO of you!  THEN YOU COULD STAND A CHANCE AGAINST ME AND MY SIMULACRUMS!
?: I believe that’s MY cue to come in!
*Fray appears out of nowhere*
D. Meepel: Fray!? Did I not kill you!? I mean, you were literally my darkness I overcame!
Fray: Yes, yes I was...and I still am!
Sidguru: ...well things just got complicated...but whatever…
Fray: Ah, Sidguru, mind if I borrow your Sword?
Sidguru: Sure, have fun!
Fray: Now, Meepel! Let us fight together!
D. Meepel: Ah! I see! We shall fight as one now, instead of be at odds! Proof of my progress! Let us overcome our own doubts!
Myste: ...oh poopie…
*one fight later*
Fray: You’ve come quite far, warrior! I shall always be with, should you need me!
D. Meepel: All is forgiven, Fray! And as far you, Myste…
Myste: ...I’m sorry, don’t kill me? I’ll fade into the aether now and repair your Soulstone. 
D. Meepel: That’ll do, faretheewell!
Sidguru: Well I’m glad that’s over…
P. Meepel: I don’t even know what happened...let’s just go back to the Forgotten Knight and get drunk?
Sidguru: Sounds good to me!

*in Ishgard*
Edmont Fortempts: Ah, Warrior of Light! It is good to see you!
D. Meepel: Duke Fortempts, pleasure to see you! I have been assisting in bringing justice across the land!
Edmont: So I’ve heard! Your exploits have reached far and wide!  Know that no matter what happens, I know you are on our side, and you should not feel ashamed to do what you think is right!
D. Meepel: Thank you for the kind words, good sir!

Narrator: And thus ends the tale of the Dark Side of our Warrior of Light!
P. Meepel: ...I can’t be the only one who was confused by what happened there…
Narrator: But...you saw the events yourself. 
P. Meepel: THAT ONLY MAKES IT MORE CONFUSING!

28

General Chat / Re: Final Fantasy 14 Stormblood Abridged aka the Adventures of Meepel

« on: May 14, 2019, 02:52:08 AM »

Chapter 9: Asher vs. Garlemald! ...except not really…

P. Meepel: So...now that I’m Queen of the Azim Steppe, I declare that we must…
Hien: Head back to Yanxia to discuss where to go from here.
P. Meepel: Damn it, you didn’t even let me finish!  Besides, now that I’ve become Queen, do I really need to do anything else?
D. Meepel: But Sister! We came here to help liberate Doma from the evil Garleans!  We cannot leave them behind! For I, as LADY OF THE LAND, pledge that we shall go liberate Doma as we intended!
P. Meepel: Do you...ever listen to yourself?
W. Meepel: Technically, she do all the time…
P. Meepel: ...you know what I meant!
Lyse: Either way, let’s head back to Yanxia, and discuss our game plan.

*at Yanxia*
P. Meepel: Gods damn it, I hate we had to go on foot…
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: ...ok, go by CHOCOBO foot all the way to the House of the Fierce.  There has to have been an easier way!
Alisaie: Ah, just the person who I wanted to see!  We fixed the Aetheryte here while you were gone!
R. Meepel: Like, seriously? Now you tell us that!? That would have totally saved SOOOO much time.
S. Meepel: Aún tendríamos que sintonizar con ella, para ser justos, así que no resolvería realmente ningún problema.
Alphinaud: I figured I might as well explain the strategy which is…
P. Meepel: I take a group of adventurers through the front door, we take everyone down and solve the problem that way?
Alphinaud: ...that is part of it, yes, but getting to said front door is going to be tricky.  There’s too many soldiers, and large objects even for you.
Hien: Well, we could divert the air forces using the tribes on the Azim Steppe and their Yol Birds.
Alphinaud: And how do you plan on convincing them to do that?
P. Meepel: Yeah, it’s a pity you don’t have their recently elected unquestionable Queen standing right here to weigh their opinion on the manner…
Gosetsu: You take a little too much pride in that, I think.
P. Meepel: Look, for the first time ever, I have actual legitimate political power, and after all the crap I put up with, you’re damn right I’m going to bask in it!
Quinn: Yes, because that’s what we needed...a black horned bitch in charge of an entire region.
R. Meepel: Yeah, well, I can totally say I’m a princess which is more than you can say.
Quinn: ...please die...now...
William: When one has the echo, dying is less of an option and more of a denial of reality!
Quinn: I wish you’d echo that 6 feet under...oh confound it, I’m talking like Natia now!
Natia: Didn’t mean to undermine your speech!
Alphinaud: ...in any event, we still have all the ground forces to deal with.  There are multiple ways to handle this but I don’t think any of them are exactly things you want to…
Hien: Flood the place.
Alphinaud: Wait what?
Hien: Yeah, let’s just flood the place!  That’ll solve the problems.  Easy solution considering the damn right there, why didn’t you think of that?
Alphinaud: I mean...I DID think of it...but doesn’t kind of destroy all of Doma castle and its surrounding areas, thereby compromising the entire point of this mission?
Hien: Castles and Walls can be rebuilt!  Doma isn’t about our architecture…
Yugiri: To be fair, that is basically half our culture right there…
Hien: NEVERTHELESS, it is more about the people!  So long as people are alive, Doma can always thrive!
D. Meepel: Nobler and truer words haven’t been spoken! It is an honor to have you as an ally in my war of justice against evil!
P. Meepel: ...you know, gotta admit, that’s a ballsy plan with a logical spin.  I think I’m starting to like you, Hien…
Quinn: Yeah, well, I don’t; you’re still a worthless Othardian Insect as far as I’m concerned.
W. Meepel: Quinn…
Quinn: What?
W. Meepel: ...shut up.
Quinn: Why should I?
W. Meepel: Because Axe.
Quinn: ...fine.
Alphinaud: Anyway, if we’re going ahead with flooding, we’ll need a team to open the dam.  We need someone who knows the area and the force should be reasonably sized; not too big to deviate from the attack force we need against their military, but not so small that it wouldn’t accomplish anything.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!
*runs out of the House of the Fierce*
Alphinaud: ...that’s not going to ruin our plans, is it?
Alisaie: No, brother, I assure you, this will have no impact on any of what we are discussing now.
P. Meepel: In fact, I’m sure Asher is about to fail right about…
*sound of large lightning bolts and sword slashes heard, with screams of pain by Asher in the distance*
P. Meepel: ...called it.
Lyse: Well, it seems we have everything in order.
Alphinaud: Actually, I we haven’t decided on the flood tea-...
Lyse: EVERYTHING IS IN ORDER! Let’s do it!

*cue cutscene where Doma gets flooded, forces attack, etc.  At Doman Enclave with Meepel’s crew*
P. Meepel: Ok, so let’s get a quick check making sure everyone is ready.  Is our healer ready?
William: Whatever.
P. Meepel: Damage dealers, you ready?
Natia: I’ll make sure not to damage your reputation!
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Quinn: Do I have to?
R. Meepel: Yes.
Quinn: *Sigh* Fine.
Salo’wen: Good luck Meepel! YOU CAN DO IT! YAY!!!
Chunyi: I feel like we should be helping…
Salo’wen: Well, ALphinaud said we can’t have too big a group and they’re already 5 people when it’s expected for four!
Chunyi: Wait how are they going in with 5 people…
Salo’wen: One of them is Asher.
Chunyi: Ah, nevermind!

*bunch of mobs and enemies beaten up later that may or may not include an Asher explosion at the hands of a primal*
P. Meepel: Hmm...not sure where to go from here.
D. Meepel: What do you mean, sister!?
P. Meepel: ...can you stop cal-...anyway, both pathes involve problems.  One involves less enemies but they’re all large magitek armors and cannons.  The other is a huge wave of small fry that while not a problem, will certainly take a while.
W. Meepel: Why not ask Scholar for help?
P. Meepel: ...say, that’s not a bad idea!  Hey Scholar, got any ideas?
Sc. Meepel: Ah, yes, been a while, but let’s see.  Judging by the effort involved compared to the time taken to deal with both sides, and the amount of deaths that our comrades will no doubt go through, multiplied by the amount of mana needed to revive them…
R. Meepel: Ugh, like seriously, can you just speak normally!?  I totally have an easier time understanding Samurai!
S. Meepel: Fingiré que no escuché eso…
Sc. Meepel: ...apologies, but it is my deduction that the path with giant robots will be most efficient.  If my calculations are correct, one of us will charge recklessly and a chain reaction will occur that will no doubt save more time than anything else.
P. Meepel: So Asher charges in, Susano appears, everything dies, including Asher himself, and we save on Mana because William refuses to heal.  Is that correct?
Sc. Meepel: Well, that is one way to put it.

*Worth noting that while this conversation was happening, Samurai Meepel was slaughtering a group of assailants at regular intervals.  Don’t ask how this works, it just does*

Asher: My word? Could it be! A VISION OF PURE BEAUTY HAS APPEARED!
P. Meepel: Who invited Aleph here?
William: Oh please, he only likes Mi’qote.  He wouldn’t fall for you and you know it.
P. Meepel: ...not sure if I should be grateful or offended…
Asher: YES! A PERFECTED BEING! SHE IS THE PERFECT ONE FOR ME!
D. Meepel: Uh, companion Asher, pray tell who are you talking about?
Asher: Why of course, the hyper intelligent watermelon haired Au Ra standing right where you are!
P. Meepel: So wait...you are infatuated with…scholar...and only Scholar...based on…
Asher: HER RADIANT BEAUTY!
W. Meepel: But we all look same…
R. Meepel: And I totally have better looking clothes than her!
Sc. Meepel: Yes, I expected as much.  The logic or lack there of dictated in the doomed one that you call Asher should indicate that he would, in fact, fall for me.
Asher: INDEED! BEHOLD MY MANLY FOOT ABS ON MY ARMS!
P. Meepel: Is this where we tell Asher that Scholar...you know...swings the other way?
William: Wait, you’re a lesbian? Since when?
P. Meepel: Only when Scholar is active!
W. Meepel: Me think Paladin only care about herself.
R. Meepel: Like, no! That’s unfair Warrior! Who do you think she is, Quinn?
Quinn: Yeah, who do...HEY!
W. Meepel: Fair point, Red Mage.
Natia: Well, it would seem Scholar is Asher’s treasure, but he couldn’t mimic what she likes!
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

*Asher strips naked and charges all the giant robots, getting slaughtered, revived, taking a few down, accidentally summoning Susano who basically solves all problems...including Asher himself... and leaves*

P. Meepel: Huh, what do you know, Scholar was 100% right.  Thanks for that one!
Sc. Meepel: It was no problem.  Now excuse me, I need to get back to making sure it stays locked up.
D. Meepel: Yes, we need to insure that stays away!  But enough of that, come my loyal allies! WE MUST COMPLETE THE LIBERATION OF DOMA!
P. Meepel: ...sure, let’s go with that.

*a dungeon later, involving lots of explosions, garlean soldiers, and the Asher death counter increasing by a physically impossible amount*

P. Meepel: Ok, we’re almost at the throne room, they’ll probably have their strongest guard here.  We can only hope Zenos is in Ala Mhigo at the moment.
Grynekweh: AHA! WARRIOR OF LIGHT! WE MEET AGAIN! NOW WE FACE WITH MY MIGHTY…*dramatic zoom up* CHAIN SAW GATLING GUN!!!
P. Meepel: ...who are you again?
Grynekweh: ...are you serious!? We just fought on the Azim Steppe!
P. Meepel: Warrior, do you know what he’s talking about?
W. Meepel: Me not remember.
P. Meepel: ...Quinn?
Quinn: Fuck off.
P. Meepel: Natia?
Natia: Oh! I remember!  He was leading the forces you slaughtered ruthlessly sometime after someone mentioned ko-...
D. Meepel: *Grabs Natia by the throat* If you finish saying that word, I will rip out your lungs in the name of justice SO HARD, you will wish you had the moral compass of Nael van Darnus!
Natia: Hey! Don’t get choked up over it!
P. Meepel: I won’t blame you if you follow through with that threat…
Grynekweh: Hey! STOP IGNORING ME!
P. Meepel: Hey, you shut up! We’re having an important conversation over here!
Grynekweh: Oh, my apolo-...hey wait! STOP THAT!
R. Meepel: Like, seriously, you’re sooooo annoying! Way more than Quinn! ...can we just beat him up already?
S. Meepel: Estoy de acuerdo…
Grynekweh: GGRRR!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!
*Starts shooting around crazy, missing every single shot*
P. Meepel: I feel like that’s suppose to be threatening but…
D. Meepel: His aim is anything but true!  I almost feel bad for him.  Perhaps it would be best if we took the pacifist route and just ignored him!
Grynekweh: YOU WILL NOT FORGET ME! I shall be remembered for all time!  Among many of the Garlean commanders, I AM IMPORTANT!!!
*Large piece of debris he blew up in one of his shots falls down and crushes him*
S. Meepel: Cómo anticlimático…
P. Meepel: ...so seriously, who was that again?
S. Meepel: Yo no se…
Quinn: HA! He got crushed! That’s great.
*Quinn gets hit by falling debris*
Natia: Wow, I didn’t know you had a crush on him!
*Quinn, slightly dazed, gives Natia the finger*
P. Meepel: In any event, let’s get going.  We have a throne room to take…

*at throne room, door busts open with Dark Knight on the other side*
D. Meepel: FOR DOMAN LIBERTY!!!!!!
Yotsuyu: ...did you seriously have to do that?  You could have opened it NORMALLY.
D. Meepel: Quiet, vile woman! Your days of reigning over Doman in your tyranny are over!  HAVE AT THEE!
Yotsuyu: ...you seriously think I’m stupid enough to fight you head on?  What do I look like? Grynewaht?
P. Meepel: Who?
Yotsuyu: Exactly.
Gosetsu: Well then, you should be willing surrender and we may spare your life!
Yotsuyu: ...I said I wasn’t going to fight you, I didn’t say I didn't have a plan…
P. Meepel: Wait, Gosetsu, when did you get here?
Hien: Oh, he got here just a few moments ago!
P. Meepel: Ah that...wait, when did YOU get here!?
Hien: Enough! I’ll take things from here if you don’t mind!
P. Meepel: ...I just wanted a simple answer...ah screw it, have fun with her.  I’ll just go over to the side and play Triple Triad with William or something…
Hien: Now, woman, your days of tyranny are...wait I feel like we’ve been through that before...screw it, just surrender.  But first I must ask...WHY!?
Yotsuyu: You don’t understand me, do you!?  I was a nobody! I was raised in the pleasure house!  You had it all…
Hien: ...wait, are you really trying to appeal to my pit-...
Yotsuyu:  AND THEN HE CAME! HE OFFERED ME POWER! HOW COULD I REFUSE!!!
William: *from a distance* BY SAYING NO!
Yotsuyu: So not only was this an opportunity of a lifetime, but also a chance at revenge for those who wronged me!
Hien: So you...took out your hatred for like probably 3 or 4 lowlifes total on the entire country by being a total bitch, all for...the Garlean empire?
Yotsuyu: Don’t you get it!?  Zenos has a hold over me! How could I go against him!? He had an incredibly tempting offer!!
Hien: And he didn’t intimidate you at all..,
Yotsuyu: Oh absolutely; I’m scared of him.  But enough of that, time for my master plan!
Hien: Wait was this just you stalling?
Yotsuyu: BEHOLD! NOW TO ACTIVATE THE BOMBS IN THIS CASTLE AHAHAHAH! You may liberate Doma but you may not have the castle and I will kill all of you in the process.
Gosetsu: I think she’s insane, milord.
Hien: What gave you THAT idea!?

*one explosion later, the throne room is now a debrised mess, Gosetsu holding up a large amount of it somehow, the area is flooding, and Yotsuyu is on the ground near Gosetsu*
P. Meepel: The fuck just happened? You were just talking and then THIS!?  God damn it Natia, you better not have opened anything ominous chests!
Natia: I PLEAD THE 5TH!
Gosetsu: It’s ok! I got this! Get going! I’ll catch up with you later!
Hien: You sure?
Gosetsu: Trust me, I shall reconvene later! I’ll figure this out...eventually…
Yotsuyu: Not if I have anything to say about it!
*She shoots Gosetsu*
Gosetsu: ...ow…
Hien: NO! Gosetsu, you can’t die here!
P. Meepel: Uh...I think it’s more important we get going, NOW! Ah screw it, Warrior, you’re up.
W. Meepel: ME GOT THIS!
Hien: No I won’t go without Gosets-...
*Warrior knocks out Hien and drags him out*
W. Meepel: We leave now.
Gosetsu: I’ll be fine! It’ll take more than one bullet to kill me!
*Yotsuyu shoots him twice more*
Gosetsu: ...you think a simple gun can kill me!
*the entire castle collapses on Gosetsu and Yotsuyu*

*outside of Doma Castle*
P. Meepel: Well they’re dead.
Yugiri: What makes you so sure?
P. Meepel: Gosetsu literally got shot by a gun in the chest several times and an entire castle fell on him.  I think any question about him surviving just went out the window.
D. Meepel: Pray tell, sister, what are you willing to do if you’re wrong?
P. Meepel: ...I’ll go do a run of Aurum Vale by myself.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCE-...
*Samurai smacks Asher*
S. Meepel: No.
Asher: Ow, what was that for?
S. Meepel: No es tu desafío.
Asher: Awww…
P. Meepel: Wait, you understand her Asher?
Asher: OF COURSE I DO!
W. Meepel: Why surprised?
P. Meepel: ...I don’t know…
Lyse: You are being awfully insensitive to the death of a friend, you know.
D. Meepel: She’s right! We should honor Gosetsu’s death with…
Hien: A CALL OF VICTORY!
D. Meepel: INDEED! ...wait, no, I was thinking…
Hien: DOMANS! WE HAVE CLAIMED LIBERTY! WE HAVE DEFEATED THE GARLEANS!
Generic Doman Man: But...the entire Castle is destroyed…
Generic Doman Woman: And the whole city is destroyed…
Random Doman Prick: Plus I lost my employers! WHAT THE HELL DID WE GAIN FROM THIS!?
Hien: LIBERTY OF COURSe!!!
Random Doman Prick: Well screw that! How am I going to make money!?
Alphinaud: Well, you could join in with actual manual labor and help rebuild the place.
Hien: That’s right! Doma is not the city, but in our hearts! NOW EVERYONE PICK UP A SHOVEL AND START BURYING THE CORPSES!
P. Meepel: ...is this a good time to ask if we can go back to Ala Mhigo and fix THAT issue now that we have Doma on our side?
Alisaie: Probably not a bad idea…
Yugiri: Yes, we will always be here for you! Even if we’re a continent away, we shall come to your aid!
P. Meepel: “A continent away” means a whole lot less when teleporting is just a minor fee…
Yugiri: Farewell, my friend!

Narrator: And so, Doma is liberated, but Ala Mhigo remains, CAN OUR HEROES SAVE THE DAY?
Quinn: Hell if I care…
Narrator: But...you are one of those heroes…
Quinn: Meh.

29

General Chat / Re: Final Fantasy 14 Stormblood Abridged aka the Adventures of Meepel

« on: May 11, 2019, 03:49:38 AM »

Small update: Added likes and dislikes for most of the characters.

Also, I'm willing to let this be open for people to comment on now, since well...no reason to keep it the other way now!  Not that I expect anyone TO care but hey, might as well say it!

30

General Chat / Re: Final Fantasy 14 Stormblood Abridged aka the Adventures of Meepel

« on: April 07, 2019, 04:10:44 AM »

Yes, I'm updating after FOREVER, but I am not dropping this anytime soon!

----
Chapter 8: Quinn's Nightmare Continues

P. Meepel: So...let me get this straight.  You randomly decided that we can’t participate in the Nadaam because we’re outsiders, and you’re the the Khagan, therefore we should just shut up, let you do what you want, and maybe you’ll let us join.
Xaelan Chief: Yes, that’s right.  Glad we both see eye to eye.
P. Meepel: Wait, who said I agree? I was just trying to…
D. Meepel: Nay, Sister, just go with it.  Easier that way.
P. Meepel: Why is everyone being so complacent with these people?  Have we suddenly lost our spine?
Lyse: Well, I mean, this IS the Oronir Encampment, and they are considered the strongest tribe on the Steppe…
Hien: And that is Magnai, their leader, so we probably should show some semblance of respect.
P. Meepel: ...I still don’t know why we didn’t just run for it when his men showed up at Bardham’s Meddle…
Magnai: In any event, if you want to fight in the Nadaam, OUTSIDERS, you must listen to the WILL OF THE SUN!!!  And I, as the chief of the Oronir, and thereby VOICE of the sun, demand you do tasks for us!  Only then will I let you fight for the Mol in the Nadaam!
P. Meepel: So..what’s your obsession with the sun?
Magnai: Unlike most Xaela, who are children of the moon goddess, we are the descendents of the sun god himself!  It is why we are destined to rule over the Steppe!
P. Meepel: ...please don’t tell me the entire Steppe believes that…
Hien: Actually, every tribe has their own customs and beliefs, so I’m pretty sure this is just theirs.  In fact, one tribe believes that the Au Ra, both Xaela and Raen alike, use to never exist, and then a giant dragon appeared from the skies, and within a few years, the Au Ra were born!
Gosetsu: Yeah, and Hien still believes in the tonberries under his bed!
Hien: Hey! That’s not fair! I was but a young child then when you told me that story!
Gosetsu: ...you were 15 years old…
P. Meepel: Look, we can make fun of Lord Hien later, what matters now is…
Magnai: HEY! I make the call around here!
P. Meepel: ...uh, ok, I was about to say…
Magnai: Quiet! You will listen to what I have to say, THE SUN WILLS IT! FOR WE ARE IT’S CHILDREN!
R. Meepel: Like, he totally needs to chill…
Quinn: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with you.
Magnai: Ok, FINE! Here’s what’s going to happen! You there, with the hair!
Lyse: Is he referring to me?
Hien: I think he might be referring to me…
Magnai: BOTH OF YOU! You will go off and tend our mating needs!
Hien: Wait what!?
Lyse: That’s disgusting!
Magnai: Hey! Our livestock farmers need help and it’s breeding season, what’s wrong with that!?  What did you think I meant?
Hien: Oh, that’s not so bad, I thought you meant…
Lyse: YES! We will help with breeding the livestock! Let’s go!
Magnai: And you, Mi’qote crafter.
William: Yes?
Magnai: Go do some crafting stuff, I don’t care, ask the artisans what we need.
William: It is not artisans that make stuff, it is the stuff that makes artisans.
P. Meepel: Before you ask, no, you’re not suppose to understand him.
Magnai: You there, Xaela from a different country!
D. Meepel: I believe he’s talking about us Sis…
P. Meepel: I KNOW THAT! Yes, what do you want?
Magnai: I need you and the Samurai to go investigate our rivals, the Dotharl, and see what they’re up to
P. Meepel: So you’re asking us...to cheat for you...so you can win the Nadaam...you do realize we’re your enemies too right?
Magnai: Yes, but unlike them, you don’t stand a chance of winning! THE SUN WILLS IT!
Gosetsu: Let’s just get this over with, ok?
P. Meepel: Ok, but you didn’t give some of my companions jobs.
Magnai: Oh, well, the other Catboy can join you too, I’m sure this isn’t too hard for him.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Asher runs out of the room and jumps off the top of the Dawn Throne to a painful death*
R. Meepel: Do I have to revive him?
W. Meepel: Not worth mana.
Magnai: And as far as the Raen goes…
Quinn: Oh great, I’m suppose to take orders from a stupid Black Horned Scum, am I?
Magnai: ...ignoring the way you said that, you’ll be looking at the young ones!
Quinn: ...wait what!?
R. Meepel: OH. EM. GEE! You get to play Baby Sitter! Have Fun Quinn~
Quinn: *getting dragged off by the guards* I’LL MAKE YOU PAY AFTER I MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!
P. Meepel: ...strangely calm by her standards...
Gosetsu: In any event, shall we be off?
P. Meepel: Might as well...should probably grab Asher’s Corpse while we’re at it…
D. Meepel: Say, where’s our companion Natia!?
W. Meepel: Methink she watching treasury…
P. Meepel: ...why do I get the feeling she wasn’t actually assigned that?
S. Meepel: Para ser justos, ¿importa?


*at the Dotharl Camp*
P. Meepel: So...this is the Dotharl...do you know anything about them?
Gosetsu: Can’t say I do. 
Masculine Tribesman named Agujam: OH! YOU THERE! YOU ARE NOT OF OUR TRIBE!
P. Meepel: Gee what gave it away…
Gosetsu: To be fair, you ARE the same race as them, so you could probably pass off as them..
W. Meepel: Me think skin too light for them fall for that…
Gosetsu: Well, you’d have a better chance than our other comrade…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!
*Asher runs off to a random Dotharl*
Asher: Hey you, I am part of your clan, let me in as one of your elite warriors!
Female Xaela named Khorijin: WHAT!? HOW DARE YOU!? Do you know who are you dealing with!?
Asher: Why yes, fellow clansman! IT IS I! ASHER OF THE…why is there a knife in my chest?
Khorijin: Jerk.  That’s what you get for messing with us!
Asher: Aha! It’ll take more than 7 pints of blood loss for me to…*drops dead*
P. Meepel: ...I guess this is the part where we apologize for that...uhh…whatever you want to call it...
Gosetsu: Aye, we are indeed outsiders, we mean you no harm!
Khorijin: ...oh, well, then you have nothing to fear from us.  Quick, Agujam, take them to our leader!
Agujam: I see no reason why this can’t go horribly wrong!
*at the Chief’s camp*
Chief Sadu: HEY! WHY DID YOU BRING THESE OUTSIDERS HERE!?
Agujam: I’m sorry, ma’ma, but since when were we xenophobic?
Sadu: Since the Nadaam is about to happen and spies can be anywhere! Seriously, what’s wrong with you!?
Agujam: Don’t hurt me!
Sadu: ...where’s your pride as a Dotharl? You know death is not something to be feared!
Agujam: Oh, I don’t fear death, I DO fear you throwing stuff at me again.  THAT HURTS MORE THAN ANYTHING IN COMBAT I SWEAR!
P. Meepel: What the heck are we watching?
D. Meepel: It seems a dispute between a low ranking tribesman and the chief…
P. Meepel: Well, I figured THAT much…
Sadu: *ahem* Well, now that that’s done, I’m Sadu, Chief of the Dotharl.
P. Meepel: Now I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I’m pretty sure Sadu is a Male Xaelan name...and you’re clearly a woman...not that there’s anything WRONG with that!
Sadu: *sigh* You know nothing about us.  Look, when we die, we get reincarnated within a year, and thus we take the name we had in our previous lives.  In my case, I was a man for the past 4 lives and…
P. Meepel: Oh...well...that’s awkward…
Sadu: Tell me about it…
Gosetsu: Ah, so you’re a warrior tribe, are you?
Sadu: More than that! We enjoy combat! Punishing the weak! Trouncing the pathetic!
R. Meepel: Like...she totally sounds like a bully…
S. Meepel: Yo coincido…
Sadu: We do not fear death, in fact we welcome it! It is only in death that one truly knows how to live!
P. Meepel: I’m not sure you can’t “know” anything when you’re dead…
D. Meepel: And is not being dead by definition the act of not living, therefor your logic is backwards!
Sadu: Come, perhaps I can show you how we fight? WHO WANTS TO FIGHT ME!?
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
P. Meepel: See, Red Mage, this is why we don’t bother spending mana reviving him.
R. Meepel: Ok, I to-tally get it now!
Sadu: Ah! A Mi’qote male! A fine challenger indeed! LET’S REVEL IN GLORIOUS COMBAT!
D. Meepel: ...oh dear, sisters, we may want to take cover…
P. Meepel: Why is that?
D. Meepel: Think about the last few words she said…
P. Meepel: What? Revel in Glor-...oh…
Susano: AHAHA! YES! WE SHALL RISE TO THE OCCASION! COME NOW MY WORTHY RIVAL! WE MUST DUEL ONCE MORE!
Sadu: What the!? YOU BROUGHT A PRIMAL WITH YOU!?
P. Meepel: Less “brought” and more “follows Asher everywhere”...
Sadu: ..that’s pretty amazing! Wanna join our tribe for the Nadaam!?
P. Meepel: Actually, that doesn’t sound like a bad…
D. Meepel: AHEM. sister…
P. Meepel: …*sigh* right, sorry, but going to have to respectfully decline.
W. Meepel: What we do about Susano though?
P. Meepel: Oh, that’ll work itself out…
*Asher explodes and is sent malms away as Susano chases*
P. Meepel: See?
Gosetsu: If you don’t mind me asking, if your tribe is so strong, why are your numbers so small?
Sadu: Well, you see...dying is easier than living on the battlefield! So we tend to lose lives faster than we spawn…
Gosetsu: ...wouldn’t that mean you tribe will be wiped out in a few generations?
Sadu: Don’t you judge our ways OR I WILL KILL YOU!
P. Meepel: Whoa now! No need for the life taking...unless it’s Asher where it’s insignificant...
Sadu: So might I ask...why are you here?
P. Meepel: I...don’t...know…
Gosetsu: Uh...let’s pretend this is about the Nadaam, yeah! What are you guys doing there?
Sadu: ...we’re going to CRUSH OUR ENEMIES AND WIN!  Don’t you dare stand in our way you...wait, what tribe are you from anyway?
D. Meepel: We fight for the glory and justice that is the Mol tribe!
P. Meepel: ...what she said…
Sadu: ...AHAHAHAHAHA! Those Sheepherders? And here I thought you were serious about fighting in the Nadaam! Thanks for the laugh!
W. Meepel: But we seri-...
Sadu: Pfft.  Ok, we can let you go, I needed that!
R. Meepel: Like...she’s totally making fun of us! She’s SOOOOOO mean!
S. Meepel: Déjalo ir, azul vestido rojo.  Tenemos cosas que hacer.

*back at the Oronir Dawn Throne*
Magnai: REPORT!!!
P. Meepel: So Sadu said she’s going to fight and win…
Magnai: And???
P. Meepel: ...that’s it.  That’s all she said.
Magnai: So they’re NOT up to something nefarious?
P. Meepel: They’re a tribe of savage warriors who fight on pure strength and pride themselves purely on that, what makes you think they’d even CONSIDER some kind of backhanded strategic approach?
Magnai: Fair point.  Well then, you and your teamates are free to go and participate in the Nadaam...not like it will make any difference, for you see, the SUN IS ON OUR SIDE!
P. Meepe: Yeah...sure…
Gosetsu: Should we meet up with the others?
P. Meepel: Not a bad idea…

*others return*
P. Meepel: Ok, so how is everyone doing?
Lyse: Did you know how much work it is to feed a single sheep? It’s tiring stuff!
Hien: I personally think it was a good work out!
William: I have crafted several dolls of wood, the children will be in pure bliss!
D. Meepel: My word! William must be sick! He is comprehensible!
W. Meepel: Or just exhausted.
S. Meepel: Así que sólo deja a Quinn…
Hien: I haven’t seen her, where is she?
Quinn: SAVE ME!!!!
Lyse: There she is…
Quinn: So. Many. Kids.  GET ME AWAY FROM THEM!
Oronir Child: There she is! Let’s give Auntie Quinn a nice hug!
R. Meepel: Awwww! The kids like you Quinn!
Quinn: No! I can’t stand this anymore! This was pure hell!
Hien: Really? It seemed like you were enjoying your time with them.
Quinn: YOU SAW NOTHING OF THE SORT!
P. Meepel: Well that’s everyone then…
D. Meepel: What about Asher?
P. Meeple: What ABOUT Asher?
Asher: AHA! I HAVE CLIMBED TO THE TOP OF THE DAWN THRONE USING ONLY MY TEETH!
P. Meepel: ...WHY!?
Asher: Someone bet I couldn’t do it, so I did!
W. Meepel: When someone say that, you sure they not speak metaphor?
Asher: NONSENSE! CHALLENGE HAS BEEN BEATEN! AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM UNBEATABLE!
Susano: YES! YOU HAVE INDEED RISED TO THE OCCASION! NOW WE MUST COMPLETE THE RITUAL WITH A DUEL!
*Asher gets knocked off the Dawn Throne as Susano chases*
W. Meepel: ...anyone else not see that coming?

*back at the Mol Camp*
Hien: So, Cirina, we have accomplished all tasks, including a diversion with the Oronir. WE ARE READY FOR THE NADAAM!
P. Meepel: So when is it anyway? We should probably get prepared.
Cirina: Oh, it’s tomorrow at the crack of dawn!
P. Meepel: ...well, cross “get prepared” off our list, since we’re basically going in blind and hoping we have a chance.
Lyse: You act like we have no chance at all.  Why would you say that?
P. Meepel: We’re outnumbered and don’t have any idea of what we’re supposed to do.
S. Meepel: Suenas incaracterísticamente carente de confianza…
P. Meepel: You stay out of this! (even if I don’t know what you said.)
Quinn: *snort* Whatever.  After tomorrow, I’ll win the Nadaam and become leader of all these blackhorns, and my first order will be for them to suffer non-stop.
William: Quinn, if you don’t shut up, I’m going to beat yo SO HARD with my astrolabe, you will be seeing stars on a Spear card!
P. Meepel: I see William is pissed off...let’s just get this over with…

*next day at the Nadaam*
P. Meepel: Ok, so Cirina, what is our goal?
Cirina: You need to get to the middle there, and be the only conscious one who attunes with that object in the middle.  If someone else is there, you need to beat them up.
R. Meepel: ...ok, everyone you hear that?  No one let Quinn get there first!
Quinn: HEY!
Hien: It seems all the other tribes are here as well!
W. Meepel: Me only see Dotharl and Oronir…
Hien: ALL. THE OTHER. TRIBES!
D. Meepel: But there’s supposed to be uncountable number of tribes on the Azim Steppe!
Lyse: Did you not hear Hien? He said ALL THE TRIBES!
P. Meepel: Well, there is the silent ones over there...do we have to kill a bunch of mutes now?
Cirina: No, they’re just the neutral party functioning as moderators.  They can’t win nor lose.  They just insure no one is cheating.
D. Meepel: How does one cheat in a pure test of strength!?
Cirina: Well, that and it makes them feel like they’re doing something.
D. Meepel: Ah, fair enough then!
*Nadaam begins*
P. Meepel: Ok, so here’s the strategy...I charge in, you all cover my back.  We all know that, like with everything else, you’re just going to rely on ME to finish this.
Lyse: Yes, that seems fair!
Gosetsu: Agreed.
Hien: What is she talk-...
Quinn: NO! I WILL BE THE ONE TO WIN THIS!
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
William: I’m...going to just stand in the corner and sit out of this one.  You guys got this...and if you fail, it’s not my fault you need me to carry you!
Lyse: Anyway, I got the left!
Gosetsu: I got the right!
Hien: I got behind!
P. Meepel: Ok, good, break!
*a large melee ensues, just use your imagination*
Sadu: AAHAHAHAH! YES! VICTORY SHALL BE MINE! *Starts charging a ridiculously big spell*
Magnai: NONSENSE! I WON’T LET YOU DO IT FOR THE SUN WILLS IT! *throws an axe at Sadu, who dodges it*
Sadu: Hey! How dare you interrupt my WINNING SPELL!
Magnai: How dare YOU not get hit by my axe!?
*the two start duelling*
W. Meepel: Me think it best we stay out of that…
*large group of enemies all converge on Meepel*
R. Meepel: Like, this is SO UNFAIR! We have go through all of them!?
*Meepel is currently occupied*
Asher: Aha! YES! I SHALL BE THE ONE TO WIN!
*Asher charges towards the beacon and gets there first*
Asher: Yes! I AM SOON THE WINNER! ANOTHER CHALLENGE OVERCO-
*the Ame-no-Murakumo comes out of nowhere, and slices Asher in half, killing him*
*Questir blows on whistle signalling foul via Primal*
Quinn: AHAAH! NOW IT’S MY TURN TO GET IT! YES! SUDDENLY I SHALL RULE OVER ALL THESE BLACK HORNS!
*Quinn gets to the Beacon, gets 70% attuned until somehow getting hit by a stray fireball and axe head out of nowhere, knocking her out, but not before she flips off Sadu and Magnai*
S. Meepel: Maldición, a este ritmo, en realidad podríamos fallar.  ¡ No podemos permitirnos perder esto! ¿Alguna idea?
W. Meepel: Me have none.
P. Meepel: Wait...you actually understand Samurai?
W. Meepel: You mean you don’t?
D. Meepel: Now is not the time, sisters! WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT PROBLEMS!
P. Meepel: Such as?
*Dark Knight points to about 50 more Oronir and Dothari coming after her*
P. Meepel: Somehow I completely lost track of that…
*Lyse jumps in from the side*
Lyse: Looks like you could use some help.
R. Meepel: Like, we need to think of something and like totally fast!
Lyse: Hmm...say, I have an idea.  Alphinaud once told me about this…
P. Meepel: Oh? And what’s that?
Lyse: Oh, just something of a warning but I think desperate times call for desperate measures!
S. Meepel: No me gusta a dónde va esto...
Lyse: Well, you see...I was just thinking how much better our odds would be if we had some kobolds helping us!
P. Meepel: …
W. Meepel: …
D. Meepel: …
R. Meepel: …
S. Meepel: …
P. Meepel: Gods…
D. Meepel: Damn…
S. Meepel: MOTHER…
R. Meepel: *****ing…
W. Meepel: KOBOLDS!!!!!!!!
*Meepel goes into full on incomprehensible rage mode, beating everything in her path within in an inch of her life using Warrior’s Axe, as Lyse just slowly backs away from the carnage.  It’s best not to describe how things go...the imagery is 2nd only to the initial Asher vs. Susano fight in horror*
Hien: I...uhh...she’s still on our side right?
Gosetsu: What manner of beast is she?
Lyse: Oh, our Warrior of Light hates Kobolds more than anything.  She’ll calm down in a bit…
*5 minutes later, Nadaam still going in, Meepel calms down*
P. Meepel: Ok *heavy breathing* That’s out…*breathes* of my system…
D. Meepel: Look sister! THE PATH TO THE BEACON IS CLEAR!
R. Meepel: MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!
W. Meepel: GET! NOW!
*Meepel gets and attunes to the Beacon...SUCCESSFULLY*
*Questir blows whistle signalling the Nadaam is over*
Magnai: ...so they actually did it...
Sadu: What!?
Cirina: Wait so that means...THE MOL ARE THE LORDS OF THE STEPPE! I never thought I’d see the day *cries tears of manliness...despite being a rather petit woman*
Sadu: No! I refuse to accept that this happened!
Magnai: It seems the Sun blessed them this time.  Mrf.
Sadu: AND HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THIS!?
Random Xaela: HELP! IMPERIALS ATTACKING!
Grynewaht: AHA! I HAVE FOUND YOU, WARRIOR OF LIGHT, ETERNAL RIVAL OF MINE!  NOW I WILL DEFEAT YOU AND YOUR KIN!!!
P. Meepel: Hey it’s you...guy...person…
D. Meepel: ...do you even know who that is?
P. Meepel: ...no, not really, just thought I’d humor him…
Grynewaht: WHAT!?  How dare you insult me!?
R. Meepel: Like, seriously, who are you?
Grynewaht: Grrr! Men! KIll them all...but leave the Warrior of Light to me! THey’re just primitive savages, they can’t stand against us!
Magnai: So…Khagan...I guess it’s YOUR call now!?
P. Meepel: Khagan? Who is...oh, right, that’s me now isn’t it? Uh...well...Azim Steppe! My first decree as your ALMIGHTY RULER is to KICK THESE GARLEAN’S ASSES!
Magnai: ...so Sadu, I think we have found the perfect outlet for your current anger…
Sadu: FINE BY ME!
Grynewaht: HA!  A few measely savage beasts against Garlean might! What chance do you have!? I mean, maybe if this was ALL the strongest warriors in the land and…
P. Meepel: Yeah...about that…
Grynewaht: ...I’ve made a terrible mistake haven’t I?
S. Meepel: Se podría decir que…

*one humiliating Garlean ass kicking by the ENTIRE AZIM STEPPE later*
Grynewaht: YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!!!
R. Meepel: ...like, seriously, who was that guy?
D. Meepel: I don’t know…
Hien: My word! You were magnificent out there! ...if a little terrifying…
P. Meepel: Well, sorry about the rage thing.
Hien: I wasn’t talking about that…
*Hien points to a few Garleans impaled on giant stone slabs, some sliced by wind currents*
P. Meepel: What makes you think that was me…
Wh. Meepel: ^_^
P. Meepel: ...nevermind…
Gosetsu: Well, I guess that means we win, and we even have led the entire Steppe to their first victory against the Garleans!
Magnai: I won’t deny, you actually did a pretty good job, Khagan.
Sadu: I suppose I can stomach following you for the next cycle.  Certainly better than THAT jerk!
Magnai: ...not dignifying that.  So if you don’t mind, please come to the Dawn Throne.
P. Meepel: Hey! I’m YOUR leader now, so don’t you tell me what to do!
Magnai: ...I simply was inviting you so we can have a proper passing of leadership, what better place than the Highest Part of the Steppe.  Also bring all your friends!

*at the Dawn Throne*
Magnai: And thus, I pass on the title of Khagan to you, WARRIOR OF LIGHT!
Cirina: Congratulation, Khagan!  I knew we could do it!
Magnai: MY word! You there, Mol? You’re such a fine woman who fits all the requirements! Please be mine!
Cirina: ...NO!
Magnai: Blast! Foiled again!
P. Meepel: So wait...if I’m the Khagan, that means I’m basically the ruler of the entire Azim Steppe, right?
Cirina: Pretty much.
P. Meepel: ...I’ve been waiting for a moment like this for so long.  Yes, I am now YOUR QUEEN!
Cirina: Actually, it’s more a Preside-...
P. Meepel: YES! QUEEN OF THE AZIM STEPPE!
Cirina: She’s not listening is she?
D. Meepel: Yes, LADY OF THE LAND!
Lyse: Oh just let her have her moment...granted this is one of many…
W. Meepel: ME BIG CHIEF NOW!
R. Meepel: Oh! I know! I’m like the PRINCESS OF THE PLAINS!
S. Meepel: Yo soy Czarina!
Quinn: *Finally getting out of the infirmary* Ok, I’m back, you jerks, what did I miss?
William: When one wins the Nadaam, they become in charge of all they see from this land.
Quinn: Ok, besides the fact that it wasn’t me, who actually won?  Whatever, so long as it’s not a stupid watermelon haired black horned *****.
R. Meepel: Like, servant over there, please smack that Raen hard!
Buduga Tribesman: Yes, your highness!
*Quinn gets smacked*
Quinn: Ow!? WHAT THE HELL!?
Buduga Tribesman: I WILL NOT HAVE YOU DISRESPECT THE KHAGAN SO! Anything I can do for you, your highness?
R. Meepel: No, that’s totally fine for now!
Quinn: Why must the twelve conspire against me?
Natia: Because you’re a horrible person who keeps stealing my treasure?
Quinn: ...have I really sunk so low that even NATIA is picking on me? Is it possible to get any lower?
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!


Narrator: Will our heroes be able to take back Doma now that the Azim Steppe is on their side?  Well, at least, we can ASSUME they’re on their side since Meepel is kind of their leader now.  Will Magnai and Sadu EVER realize they were meant for one another? And will Asher successfully find a way to stoop lower than Quinn’s current standing? Tune in next time for STORMBLOOD ABRIDGED!

31

General Chat / Re: Final Fantasy 14 Stormblood Abridged aka the Adventures of Meepel

« on: July 13, 2018, 04:51:05 AM »

Chapter 7: Quinn’s Nightmare

Hope: ...so...I have to read…
Narrator: Yes.
Hope: And then I…
Narrator: Yes.
Hope: ...one question.
Narrator: Yes?
Hope: Why me!?
P. Meepel: Look, just read the damn paper so I can get back to the story already.
Hope: Ok, but what’s in it for me?
D. Meepel: You’ll be spared having to watch Asher sing.  As a warrior of JUSTICE, I can assure you, this is not something that anyone should ever witness.
Hope: Fine. So...it seems our hero, after being beaten by the villain yet again…
S. Meepel: No me recuerdes...
Hope: And...that seems to be where we’re at...seriously? This is how you begin?

P. Meepel: So...question…
D. Meepel: Yeah?
P. Meepel: How are we still alive?
W. Meepel: Me not know.  Zenos just walk away after armor slightly hurt.
P. Meepel: Yes but...why!?  He could have killed us and…
R. Meepel: Like...seriously, this is hurting my brain!  Where’s Quinn? I need someone to make fun of to totally raise my self esteem!
Yugiri: It seems we’ve failed.  We have the perfect opportunity to do this and we’ve failed.
Alisaie: I’ll say! I told you to wait, but did you listen? No!
P. Meepel: Ok, where did you come from Alisaie?
Alisaie: You had a long time to fight him, is that unreasonable I could get here in that time?
D. Meepel: A fair point, Miss Alisaie!
Alphinaud: Anyway, I could have told you that was a bad idea.  He beat you before, what made you think you had a chance here?
P. Meepel: ...WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM ALPHINAUD!?
Alphinaud: I teleported here?
P. Meepel: No! You didn’t! I know for a fact that you aren’t attuned with any of the Aetherytes here!
S. Meepel: Cálmate, te molesta por nada.
Alisaie: Anyway, you’re still alive, and that’s what matters.  But nothing good came of this…
Asher: AHA! VICTORY IS MINE! I HAVE DEFEATED YOU IN GLORIOUS TRIPLE TRIAD COMBAT!!!  ALL THANKS TO THE GARLEAN LEGATUS!
Susano: I EXPECTED NOTHING LESS OF YOU, MY RIVAL! THE REMATCH SHALL OCCUR UPON THE 4TH DAWN!
Asher: Challenge accepted!
Alisaie: ...ok, ALMOST nothing good came of this…so I will defer our next strategy to my other, more clever half!
Alphinaud: Well...uh...ok, so we still have most of the resistance fighters, our Warrior of Light isn’t dead, and neither is our Shadewalker.  So what we need is some kind of sign to indicate our next move…
Isse: Look! There she is! The Warrior of Light! The one who liberated all the prisoners and saved us!
Former Prisoner #4: Yes, she saved us...and single handedly murdered half the camp in bloody rage…
S. Meepel: ¡Oye, eso fue defensa propia!
Isse: Come! Let us find a way to help the resistance! FOR DOMA’S LIBERATION! SPREAD THE WORD!
Alphinaud: ...well, I’d say that’s a sign of what to do next.  Yugiri, Meepel, Gosetsu?
P. Meepel: Yes?
Yugiri: Yeah?
Gosetsu: Hey, you noticed me!
D. Meepel: How long have you been there, good sir Gosetsu!?
Alphinaud: I think it would be wise we tell Lord Hien about the people’s answer!
Alisaie: Good, than we’ll do exactly that!  You three, go off to there!
P. Meepel: Wait, who died and made you the leader of the Scions?
Alisaie: ...Minfillia?
P. Meepel: ...touche…
R. Meepel: So are we like done here?
Alphinaud: I suppose.  It seems we have a course of action, I’ll head off back to base to help discuss a long term plan!
P. Meepel: Well, good, seems everything is in order, but I feel like something is missing…
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: SHUT UP, DUMPLIN!
Yugiri: In any event, Lord Hien was last seen on the Azim Steppe.  I suggest a number of us go there, while a few remain here…
P. Meepel: ...Alisaie, stay here with your brother, everyone else we’re going to the Steppe.
Alisaie: And why do I have to stay here?
P. Meepel: Because that way I know at least ONE person with a remote sense of competence in combat is around here to insure Alphinaud’s strategies aren’t completely wasted.
Alphinaud: I don’t know if I should take that as a compliment or an insult…


*at the Azim Steppe*
Lyse: So what can you tell us about the Azim Steppe?
Yugiri: Everyone here lives in various tribal camps, 50 to be precise.  Our first destination will be Reunion, the central Market area of the Steppe.  We should be able to get information there.
R. Meepel: Like, did you say this is the merchant camp? OMG! I can’t wait to get some cool tribal jewelry! Quinn’s gonna be TOTALLY jealous at my new stuff!
Quinn: You do know I’m right here, you worthless black horn.
Yugiri: I would...advise against using that term, Quinn.
Quinn: Oh, please, how bad can it be? It’s not like the entire Steppe is nothing but worthless black horn Xaelan scum or anything, especially blue-skinned ones!
Yugiri: Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you...
*At Reunion, every single person there is a Xaela, a large majority of them are blue-skinned*
Quinn:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
R. Meepel: This is way cool! I wonder what kind of perfume and makeup they sell here? Maybe they even have a new shade of blue for my outfit!
P. Meepel: Relax, Red Mage, we have more urgent things to worry about...speaking, where should we start looking?
Gosetsu: Perhaps we should ask the locals.  Perhaps one of them can tell us where he was last seen?
P. Meepel: Agreed...though I have no idea where to start looking...or what any of the tribes are for that matter...
Quinn: Oh please, you’re one of them and you don’t even know what they are?  Typical of someone like you.  Now excuse me, I’m going to vomit 50 miles outside of camp!
Chunyi: So...what are the likely-hood of her running into more of them on the Steppe?
Yugiri: Extremely high.  As I said, there are over 50 tribes scattered about the Steppe, and seeing as many of them are hunters, or just out to beat people up…
W. Meepel: What you say is Quinn likely dead?
Yugiri: Probably.
S. Meepel: Así que no sería la primera vez…
Lyse: It’s nice and peaceful here, I thought you said most were warriors?
Yugiri: Oh, that’s because the tribe, the Qestir, that runs this have made a vow of silence!
Lyse: That answers practically nothing...and I thought you said it was neutral?
Yugiri: They’re also complete and total pacifists.  The agreement is anyone can come and shop here, so long as all tribal disputes begin and end at the entrance of the camp.
Gosetsu: So what you’re saying is in Reunion, there are only two kinds of people: Merchants and Customers!  Sounds grand!
D. Meepel: So behave, don’t fight, and all justice and order shall be upheld? Sounds like a good deal!  I can’t see anything wrong coming of this!
W. Meepel: ..why Susano here?
Susano: AH YES! I SHALL PROCURE THIS SWORD AND CHALLENGE MY RIVAL ON THE STEPPE IN GLORIOUS COMBAT TO THE DEATH!
P. Meepel: ...well, at least Asher has ONE place that he can’t be killed by Susano…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*impales himself on one of Susano’s spikes*
William: ...not healing him...
P. Meepel: In any event, we should probably just start asking people if they’ve seen him I guess.  We should probably ask if anyone has seen a...what race is Hien again?
Gosetsu: Hyur, Midlander to be exact!
P. Meepel: Right, we should start by asking if anyone has seen a Hyur.
Red Garbed Fair-Skinned Xaelan: Excuse me, did you say you’re looking for someone who is a Hyur?
R. Meepel: Like, that outfit is TOTALLY what I’m looking for.  Does it come in blue!?
P. Meepel: Oh god, not THIS again.
Red Garbed Fair-Skinned Xaelan: Not what again?
P. Meepel: This.  You know, we’re talking about something, and then a random person comes out of nowhere acting like they can be helpful only to say they have no idea what they’re talking about and then somehow they always end up dead 20 seconds later.
Red Garbed Fair-Skinned Xaelan: ...sorry to hear that? It’s just I heard you’re looking for a Hyur, and there has been on here for quite a while, so I thought they might be the same person.
D. Meepel: Aha! Yes, our efforts bear fruit!
W. Meepel: We not do anything…
P. Meepel: Can we at least get your name before we continue this line of thought?
Red Garbed Fair-Skinned Xaelan: Oh, sorry, yes.  My name is Cirina of the Mol tribe.  Is the person you’re looking for happened to be named Hien?
Yugiri: Yes, yes it is.  How do you know him?
Cirina: He’s been staying with my tribe for quite some time, so I know him well.  Also, is there something wrong with you? I notice you-...
Lyse: Look, explaining our Warrior of Light would take too long.  Just ignore her...intricacies…
Cirina: Ok, but what about your dead comrade drowning in his own blood in this combatless zone?
William: Meh, he’s fine. 
P. Meepel: Strange as it sounds...yes, he’ll be fine.  It’s best you don’t question him…
Cirina: ...and what of the giant deity like figure over there?
D. Meepel: That is something even we cannot answer, I am afraid!
Cirina: Ok, about Hien’s location...
Yellow Dressed Xaela: Hey you, DOTHARL SCUM, you dare look at my GLORIOUS YELLOW OUTFIT?!
Blue Dressed Xaela: Stupid Oronirian jerk, you’re just jealous at my AWESOME Muscular physique!
Oronirian: What? My muscles are totally bigger than yours!  You’re just jealous that we rule over the Steppe!
Dotharli: BAH! Not for a few days you won’t, the Nadaam is near! But why wait then? I SHOULD BEAT YOU UP NOW!
Oronirian: YOU WISH! Next you’ll try to claim to be important!
Dotharli: *spits* That’s it, you’re dead!
White Garbed Masked One: !!!!
Oronirian: I...er…
Dotharli: What?
White Garbed Masked One: -_-
Oronirian: ...he started it…
Dotharli: Fine, we’ll take this outside…
P. Meepel: ...what the hell did I just watch?
Cirina: The Oronir and Dotharl are rival factions, being the two strongest tribes.  The Oronir are the current ruling tribe, but the Dotharl are a strong, fierce warrior clan despite their small numbers.  With the Nadaam near, things are getting tense.
P. Meepel: I guess that answers ONE question I have but now you just raised many others...
Cirina: Oh, I assumed you were a native of the Steppe being a Xaelan yourself…
W. Meepel: ...me call racist, but you also Xaela...me confused...
P. Meepel: Just humor me...
Cirina: Well, the Nadaam is where the strongest tribes on the Steppe on the final day of the Tsagaan Sar, for who should become the ruling Khagan of the Steppe!
P. Meepel: ...so contest of strength happening soon for who rules over this region, got it.  And those weirdos in white?
Cirina: Qestir. The ones who watch over Reunion in silence.
P. Meepel: Ah, ok, got it.
Cirina: Anyway, Hien is often found meditating on a cliff that is conveniently located right here in Reunion!
Lyse: I’m hoping this gets us somewhere…should we check this out?
Gosetsu: Ai, seems as good a lead as any.
P. Meepel: Well, nothing better to do...I guess we’re finally getting somewhere.
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!

*some useless traveling later, the crew finds Hien meditating on a random cliff*
Hien: So you return, Yugiri...well, what is it? My head or my sword?
Yugiri: The people of Doma wish to fight! WE COULD LIBERATE IT NOW!
Hien: Oh...well, I suppose I have to live to my promise.  Ashame, my head was the faster and easier route…
P. Meepel: Did you just state you’d rather have died?  Are we really putting the faith of Doma in someone like that?
Gosetsu: DO NOT QUESTION LORD HIEN! HE IS THE FINEST OF THE FINEST MEN! No one can touch him!  He will lead us into a new age of prosperity!
Hien: ...yes, thank you...Gosetsu...anyway, might you introduce me to your friends, Yugiri?
*one introduction to everyone later and summing up the plot, etc.*
Hien: Ah, yes, I shall lead us to victory!
D. Meepel: Yes, a glorious battle of justice and heroism awaits us! To arms everyone, for tonight, the Empire falls!
Hien: ...except that first there is something I need to do.  I need to repay a debt to the Mol tribe who has taken me in since I’ve come to the step.
P. Meepel: That seems like something that could be held off for later...seriously, we’re fighting a war, and you want to repay some debt that’d be easier to do after you won?
Hien: Well, put it simply, Doma’s spirit might be strong, but our numbers are weak.  I figured adding the greatest warriors of the Azim Steppe to our cause might bolster our chances significantly.
P. Meepel: Ok, and just HOW do you plan on recruiting them?
Hien: By winning the Nadaam in the name of the Mol tribe of course!  As the Khagan, I can easily talk the entire Steppe into assisting Doma, and with Gosestu, Yugiri and those of your from Eorzea, I would say our chances have increased significantly. 
P. Meepel: ...you know, I have absolutely no way to argue that point...well played.
Gosetsu: Ai, so our next destination is?
Hien: We rendezvous with Cirina, and head to the Mol Camp!

*at the Mol tribe encampment*
D. Meepel: Ah! Such a lovely camp! I’m sure this is filled and defended by JUST HEROES AND RIGHTEOUS WARRIORS against the monsters!
Cirina: Actually, we’re just isolated and no one cares about us.
D. Meepel: Oh, my apologies…
Cirina: Anyway, this is my grandmother, the Seeres!  Grandmother, this is Lord Hien, the guy I told you about, and these are his friends!
Hien: Pleasure is all mine! I would be dead if not for your granddaughter.  As token of my gratitude, I WILL WIN THE NADAAM FOR YOU!
P. Meepel: There’s that word again!
Gosetsu: If you don’t mind me asking, what is this Nadaam you speak of?
Hien: Ah, yes, the Nadaam is a big battle held on the Azim Steppe where all tribes fight and the strongest tribe is deemed the one ruling over the Azim Steppe for the next year, with the champion being the Khaghan!*
P. Meepel: And the “Hahn” is…
Seeres: Basically the ruler of the Azim Steppe. 
P. Meepel: ...you know, suddenly I like this idea.  What’s the strongest tribe we can join to insure our vict-...
D. Meepel: Dear sister! Did you not hear?  We are going to assist the lesser tribe for an underdog to be victorious! WE SHALL AIDE THEM IN THEIR QUEST!
Lyse: So if we win with a weak tribe, it’ll show how strong we are and thus make it easy to talk everyone into joining the cause for Doma?
Hien: That was the idea, yes.
P. Meepel: ...you do realize the chances of this working are abysmal, right?
S. Meepel: No conmigo, no lo es.
P. Meepel: I don’t think anyone, even you, could solo the entire Steppe in a Battle Royale like this...
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Asher goes to win the Nadaam single handedly, despite it not even starting yet, gets murdered by random pack of Malboros he just happens to run across*
Quinn: Wait just a damn minute!
R. Meepel: Like, what do you want?
Quinn: You expect ME to help a bunch of WORTHLESS BLACKHORNS in their USELESS TRADITION, nearly getting me killed? What makes you think I’ll agree to that!?
R. Meepel: Seriously, Quinn, you’re like required to help us…
Natia: At least they’re not greenhorns!
P. Meepel: ...I have no response to that...
Quinn: No! I absolutely refuse!
R. Meepel: Alright Quinn, we can leave you here if like.  But I have, like, one question, you know.  How are you going to leave when you can’t pay the teleport funds since we’re like in charge of your cash?
Quinn: ...twelve damn it, I hate you…
Seeres: It won’t be so simple for you to help us, however!
Lyse: And why is that?
Seeres: You are not one of us, afterall.
P. Meepel: Hey, I’m totally a Xaela just like the rest of the Steppe! I should be allowed in!
Cirina: She means you’re not recognized by the Steppe as someone who can act here.
P. Meepel: ...just tell me what we as a collective have to do to be valid.
Seeres: Oh, simple, there’s a large structure to the north of here called Bardam’s Mettle.  If you go there, kill a giant bird, then ride a giant bird, you will be accepted and can join whatever clan you prefer.
P. Meepel: I still don’t see why it wouldn’t be easier to just join a strong clan, win that one, and then tell everyone else to join you.
D. Meepel: Come now, sister!  We must help the weak and inept ones in order to gain glory on the battlefield! It is the right and just thing to do, to aid those who are feeble and helpless!
Alisaie: I’m pretty there were a number of ways you could have worded that without making them look weak.
Hien: So be it, we shall go to Bardam’s Mettle!

*At the Bardam’s Meddle*
Hien: Ah, this is our location.  I feel in order to approach this properly, we shall send in a scout team to handle it.
P. Meepel: Let me guess.  “Hey Warrior of Light! Go in there with a few adventurers and scout the place out, possibly kill all the enemies, and tell us everything is alright.”
Hien: Well, actually, I was going to recommend that myself, Gosetsu and Lyse head in there while you and your crew keep watch out here, but since you so graciously volunteered.
W. Meepel: You have big mouth, Paladin.
P. Meepel: Oh shut up.  Anyway, Quinn, Asher, Natia, and William, let’s get going.
Quinn: Do I ha-...
P. Meepel: YES!
Natia: Let’s put the pedal to the Meddle!
Asher: MY GLORIOUS FOOT ABS ARE READY!
*in the dungeon*
P. Meepel: Ok, so usual strategy here. I divert enemies, you guys blow them up, and William will keep us hea-...William, what are you holding.
William: A hammer.
P. Meepel: ...but you’re a healer, what do you need with a hammer?
William: To craft the essence of this dungeon, as the Gold Smith that I am!
P. Meepel: How...did you enter this place..as a Gold Smith?
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: Shut Up Dum-...wait, HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE!? Chocobos don’t enter dungeons!
Dumplin: Kweh!
W. Meepel: Me think we stuck with him.
D. Meepel: Yes, our glorious team involving a skilled crafter and a chocobo, NEVER HAS A STRONGER TEAM OF JUSTICE BEEN BUILT!
P. Meepel: You do realize we’re only doing this to pass a test, right?
Dumplin: Kweh!
*Dumplin runs off*
P. Meepel: ...he’s going to get himself killed, isn’t he?
Voice of Salo’wen: No! You have to go save him! He’s your mighty steed, Meepel!
P. Meepel: ...why do I hear Salo’wen’s voice in my head?
Voice of Salo’wen: Linkpearl!
P. Meeplel: ...touche…side note, change that things frequency...
Quinn: Oh please, she’ll figure out your frequency because she knows everything about you.
Natia: Wow, William’s really crafting this meddle!
P. Meepel: ...let’s just...get this over with…
Dumplin: KWEH!!!!!!
*Dumplin comes running back towards the party*
P. Meepel: Great, what is it this ti-*sees a huge wave of enemies*  GOD DAMN IT, DUMPLIN!
*one large mob later*
D. Meepel: Aha, yes, no monster is enough for our glory! Isn’t that right, companion Asher!
*Asher is on the ground dead*
P. Meepel: ...Red Mage, do you know Veraise ye-...
R. Meepel: Like, no! He wouldn’t be dead if he was.  I’m totally on top of that stuff.
P. Meepel: Well, we’re down a companion, our healer is too busy making jewelry,  and I have 2 incompetents and a chocobo...what could make this situation even more complicated?
S. Meepel: Si, un Primal podría aparecer de la nada y ofrecer ayuda.
Susano: AHA! It seems my eternal rival has since fallen! You are in need of assistance, I SHALL JOIN YOU IN THIS ENDEAVOUR!!
S. Meepel: ... tal vez sea yo quien tiene la boca grande…
*Primal Susano joins the team...briefly*

*after a few mobs later*
Natia: TREASURE!!!!
P. Meepel: Natia, I don’t think that’s a wise…
*Natia opens chest, chest turns out to be a mimic, as well as all those nearby*
Natia: What!? Those aren’t supposed to be here! Treasure, why have you forsaken me!?
W. Meepel: Natia, if we die, it your fault.
Dumplin: KWEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
P. Meepel: Great, what did you do this time?
*Meepel looks up and a giant boulder is rolling towards the team, Indiana Jones style*
P. Meepel: ...I’m done.  I quit.  Dark Knight, you’re leading the rest of this expedition.  I’m taking a nap.
D. Meepel: If you insist, sister!
Quinn: Good, that’s one less Blackhorn to deal with.
William: When Meepel leaves, she does not leave but rather, changes in the leave.
Quinn: Don’t break me out of this, OK!? Let me be in a moment of pea-...
*Quinn gets run over by said boulder*
R. Meepel: Like, that was totally hilarious!  I’m so going to tell the rest of the Azim Steppe about that!
*Quinn, on the ground, crushed by a boulder, half dead, gives Red Mage the finger*
Susano: And so, I must take my leave at this point! It was a pleasure aiding those that assist my ETERNAL RIVAL!
S. Meepel: Pero... no hiciste nada…
Susano: Now, I shall take my leave!  Farewell!
S. Meepel: Yo estoy muy confudido…
Natia: Well, one could say our next enemy is quite boss!
D. Meepel: Companion Natia, are you insinuating that our next enemy is…
*everyone sees a giant statue moving*
D. Meepel: ...a worthy foe indeed, we shall do battle!
Hunter of Bardam: WARRIORS! You must pass the test to go forth! 3 rounds, you are allowed one mistake per round! If anyone passes all 3 rounds, you may all progress!
D. Meepel: Seems easy enough!
Natia: This could be a smashing experience!
Quinn: This is so going to ruin my hair.  Can I skip this?
R. Meepel: Like, no! You totally need to help us.
Quinn: *Sigh* Fine.
Hunter of Bardam: AND THE RAEN HAS FAILED!
Quinn: Wait, what did I do!?
Hunter of Bardam: YOU WERE HIT! THEREFOR YOU MUST BE PARALYZED!
Quinn: ...why has the twelve forsaken me…
Dumplin: KWEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
*Dumplin runs around the arena like a headless chocobo*
Natia: Ooh! TREASURE!
*Natia runs right into an explosion, fails the test*
D. Meepel: It would appear we have already lost two of our allies.  William, Asher! We must not fail!
William: Asher is but a corpse on the ground!
D. Meepel: Fair, but we must insure we do not fail this!  Now, William, be on the move! Remember to avoid the meteors, and stand in the large pillars.
*William is busy attempting to crafting special earrings*
D. Meepel: William! If you keep this up, you will fail!
*William gets hit by a shockwave, fails the quest*
D. Meepel: It is up to me! I must not…
*Dark Knight steps in a trap*
D. Meepel: ...I have failed thee, my friends.
Hunter of Bardam: Aha! Well done warriors! You have passed the test!
W. Meepel: Wait, who pass? We all fail.
Hunter of Bardam: Nonsense! There was but one who succeeded!
Quinn: It better not be who I think-....
*Dumplin still running around like a headless chocobo, somehow managing to avoid all the hits and passing the exam*
Quinn: ...you know, that was actually better than what I was expecting…

*more insanity of the dungeon ensues, involving Dark Knight screaming justice as she slaughters mindless mobs, Quinn complaining about her hair, William attempting to craft more objects despite being physically impossible, Natia...being Natia, and Asher miraculously coming back to life for the sake of arm wrestling a boulder...it goes about as well as you expect*

Dumplin: KWEH! KWEH! KWEH!!!
D. Meepel: What is it, noble steed of Paladin!?
Dumplin: KWEH!!!
*Dumplin points to the Yoi, a giant bird*
D. Meepel: Ah, yes, it is our target! Come to me, Dark Warriors, BATTLE AWAITS US!
Quinn: ...I take offense to that…
William: There is but naught that Quinn is not offended by.
*William continues to craft some jewelry*
Natia: I say we wing it!
Quinn: Can I kill her, please?
D. Meepel: Nay! Natia is as much an ally as you or William!
S. Meepel: Les das mucho crédito.
*one uneventful boss fight later*
D. Meepel: That was disappointing...but we have succeeded in our heroic mission! Comrades, let us enjoy this victory!
Dumplin: Kweh!
D. Meepel: Indeed! I shall let Paladin know of our exploits!
*the team heads outside*
Hien: Ah, so how did it go?
D. Meepel: A complete and total success! We have passed the trials, and can thus aide the Mol to VICTORY in the Nadaam!
Hien: Ah, yes! Excellent! It’s worth noting that we passed our own tests here going down a different path.
Lyse: Yes, it was a little too convenient that it was there…
Gosetsu: Nonsense! It was a tough battle! But we have persevered!


P. Meepel: *yawns* I’m up, what did I miss?
Hien: It seems we have all succeeded and are ready to be accepted to participate in the Nadaam.
P. Meepel: Oh, you mean that’s still a thing? Well, good to know this dungeon is over and we can get on with actually meaningful stuff.
Random Xaela #1: Not we have anything to do with it!
Random Xaela #2: Yes, we’ll have the final say whether you can are not!
P. Meepel: And who...are you exactly?
Random Xaela #1: QUIET! YOU ARE COMING WITH US TO THE DAWN THRONE RIGHT THIS INSTANCE!
P. Meepel: And if we don’t?
Random Xaela #2: ...it’ll make this whole exchange awkward.  Look, Magnai, the current Khaghan, demands that you as outsiders come to the Dawn Throne and well, you wouldn’t want to go against our political structure and undermine everything, would you?
HIen: I’m afraid he has a point.
P. Meepel: What point? We could just jump on our chocobos and run past them with no problems.  They’re not even threatening us.
Random Xaela #1: See? I TOLD YOU THE THREATEN THEM METHOD WOULD WORK BETTER!
Random Xaela #2: Look, we haven’t failed yet! Come on, let’s continue the diplomacy method!
Lyse: You know, I feel bad for them...maybe we should go with them.  What could possibly go wrong?
P. Meepel: ...I seriously can’t believe you just said that…

Hope: What can...indeed...go...wrong...seriously, why am I just repeating what they said here?
Narrator: You’re SUPPOSE to read it dramatically, to make people excited to see the next episode.
Hope: But nothing here indicates that! It’s just a bunch of words and I’m still not even sure why I’m here.
Narrator: Yes, but the people must know this is a cliffhanger ending that leads to exciting stuff in the next chapter.
Hope: ...can I go now?

32

General Chat / Re: Examining Final Fantasy Brave Exvius

« on: July 10, 2018, 12:01:18 PM »

I might as well do some quick updating.

I did get C. Rydia from the FF4 Event, so that was nice.   2nd Anniversary gave me basically crap outside of an Ace pull, which hey, it's a 5* I don't have.  I had a G5 a while back that I can't even remember what I got; it was a non-dupe, and pretty sure it was an actual character, not some original nobody.  An earlier G5 gave me Sephiroth...right after the Sephiroth event ended, go figure.  Right before getting C. Rydia, I actually got Eiko, and my response was basically "WRONG CHILD SUMMONER DAMN IT!"

33

General Chat / Re: What Games are You Playing 2018?

« on: June 10, 2018, 01:32:55 PM »

The comparisons to FF8 are pretty obvious; both are vaguely trainwrecky and about child soldiers who are all kinda fucked up. At least FF8’s cutscenes aren’t a dumpster fire, though.

Type-0's advantages over FF8 are a better example of the school setting (There are actual classes!), and no orphanage plot...well, ok, there is, but "These kids have been together for a long time" is a lot easier to believe than "They all grew up together, but then forgot it because plot contrivance"

FF8, though, for all it's flaws, has an actual coherent narrative, characters with something resembling arcs and personalities (yes, even someone like Quistis demonstrates SOMETHING.  Even if it's all isolated within the first 3 hours of the game, that's a crap ton more than any individual Type-0 character gets save maybe Machina and Rem, and when Quistis is the benchmark is the frame of reference , you know your game has issues.)  FF8 also has general direction that's appropriate for it's time (aged? Sure, but this is one of those times where "For it's time" is a valid argument because of technical reasons.) 


Type-0 is like the inverse of Crisis Core to me in many ways (both are directed by the same guy even.)  Crisis Core wasn't an ambitious game; a prequel focused on Zack about an event that really has no impact on FF7's larger narrative (it's the exact kind of event that a simple Shinra Cover Up would in fact be a believable reason that no one ever heard of it, and FF7 even established Shinra was doing that constantly), with gameplay that is simple and a single PC who has a crap ton of variety, with presentation on par with what you'd see late PS2 era (which is  about what you'd expect from a PSP title.)

Then you have Type-0, which is incredibly ambitious and generally drops the ball in most regards.  Yes, a lot of varied characters, but I never felt the game was properly balanced around certain play styles (anytime there was a flying enemy, I felt Melee characters were completely useless since you're just sitting ducks until they decide to land, and enemies near as I can tell do NOT have patterns, or if they do, the pattern is so elaborate, you're still doing nothing but dodging for most of the fight), existence of those RTS fights is a huge case of "This was not well thought out", a large roster of heroes that get nowhere near enough attention, and direction in cut-scenes is awful across the board.  I get they were going for more a war documentary style of story-telling, which is a nice touch, but it's not supplemented with traditional style cut-scenes well at all.

I'd go into details, but then I'd start spoilers.  All I know is I was interested in Type-0 and came out incredibly disappointed with the result.  You can't even play the "well it was a PSP game!" argument because Crisis Core, which is made by a lot of the same team at Square-enix, came out first and basically crushes it in almost every-way that matters.  Even technical details, which Type-0 SHOULD beat Crisis Core at, it loses.  I know, I sound like I'm just shilling Crisis Core, but my thought process was constantly when playing was "Well this is a PSP game...but so was Crisis Core, and it absolutely didn't have these issues, what the fuck?"

34

General Chat / Re: Final Fantasy 14 Stormblood Abridged aka the Adventures of Meepel

« on: April 21, 2018, 05:30:27 PM »

Side Quest: The Paragon Path of Paladin…?

Narrator: We go back in time, to when our...heroine? Was but a budding adventurer!  No, this isn’t really important but backstory is a thing we’re doing!


Meepel: So this is Ul’dah?  What should I do first?
Generic Ul’dahian: Oi! You there laddie…
Meepel: But...I’m a girl.
Generic Ul’dahian: I’ll call you whatever I want, laddie!  You should go become an adventurer and choose a class!
Meepel: Ok, what’s that?
Generic Ul’dahian: Oy! Just shut up and go become a Gladiator, Thaumaturge or Pugilist already!
Meepel: Are you sure I should do this?
Generic Ul’dahian: Oy! You should listen to everything I say! In this here part of the world, I’m important!
*Gets run over by a Chocobo Drawn Cart*
Meepel: That’s sad.  Well, I guess I should become a class!

*Gladiator Guild
Mylla: WELCOME TO THE GLADIATOR GUILD! Do you want to become a Gladiator?!
Meepel: I guess?
Mylla: Good, congrats, you’re a Gladiator! Here’s a sword, and go kill some rats and cactii, maybe we’ll give you a shield!
Meepel: Ok!
*Meepel does exactly that*
Meepel: I did it! Can I get a shield?
Mylla: Sure! Here’s your shield! Now you can hit things with it to stun them!  By the way, can you do me a favor and deal with those Marauders?
Meepel: Ok!
*Meepel goes to the Marauders*
Marauder: AHA! There’s the laddie! Get her!
Meepel: ...why does everyone call me that?
*Meepel beats the Marauders*
Pfarmurl: You beat my men! You’ll pay for that, or my name isn’t Pfarmurl!
Momodi: That name is stupid, you know...also PLEASE take it outside, I just cleaned up after the LAST bit of psycho bandits who faced off against a rookie Gladiator.
*Pfarmurl and Meepel fight, Pfarmurl starts to win*
Pfarmurl: NOW YOU WILL KNOW THE WRATH OF PFARMURL THE...uhh...what was my title again?
Mook: You don’t have one, you’re just Pfarmurl...
Pfarmurl: Oh...well...bah, I’ll just kill this newbee.
Red Dressed Man: Not if I have something to do with it!
Pfarmurl: And who are you?
Red Dressed Man: I am Aldis, AND YOU ARE ALREADY-...nah, I’m not going to say it *kicks Pfarmurl in the face*
Pfarmurl: Ow man, that hurts!
Aldis: Do you want me to do it again!?
Prafmurl: No! Please don’t!
Aldis: Good, now return the Merchant’s Goods that apparently everyone forgot about!
Pfarmurl: Yessir!
Aldis: Good.  Hey laddie!
Meepel: ...you’re talking to me, right?
Aldis: Yes.  Good job, keep up the good work, don’t tell anyone I was here!

*Back at the Gladiator Guild*
Mylla: So...did you do it?
Meepel: I think so...was there supposed to be merchants involved?
Mylla: Probably.  Ok, your next quest involves beating up Amal’ja.  These are big lizard guys.  Make sure you don’t die!
Meepel: Ok!


*Right outside Camp Drybone*
Amal’ja Archer #1: WE WILL TAKE OVER THESE USELESS GUYS! IN THE NAME OF LORD IFRIT!
Amal’ja Archer #2: Uh, sir, should we be shouting that?
Amal’ja Archer #1: Of course, for you see, THESE HUMANS MUST KNOW OUR WRATH!  IT’S INTIMIDATION!
Amal’ja Archer #2: But sir, as Archers, aren’t we supposed to attack from a distance and kill them without being seen, defeating the point of intimidation?
Amal’ja Archer #1: YOU HAVE A GOOD POINT! OH LOOK! HERE COMES ONE NOW!
Meepel: Hi, I’m Meepel, Gladiator in training!
Amal’ja Archer #2: ...is she joking?
Amal’ja Archer #1: I dunno, THIS LADDIE HAS INSULTED US! TO ARMS!
*Fight ensues*
Amal’ja Archer #2: Uh, sir?
Amal’ja Archer #1: WHAT IS IT!?
Amal’ja Archer #2: We haven’t made any progress, maybe we should use our weapons?
Amal’ka Archer #1: YOU RAISE A GOOD POINT! LET’S GO!
Aldis:  Hey, that’s not fair ganging up on a young laddie 2 to 1.  I’ll even the odds!
*Aldis and Meepel kill the Amal’ja*
Aldis: Hey, good job kid, now go tell your leader we did this!


*Gladiator’s Guild*
Meepel: I did it...but I had help.
Mylla: Hey, that’s fine.  Gotta take them when you can get them! So who helped you?
Aldis: Yo, ‘sup?
Mylla: ...GET OUT OF HERE YOU’RE BANNED!
Aldis: Oh come on, that was…
Mylla: NOW!
Aldis: Fine, sheesh, guess I’ll just get drunk.

*at the Adventurer’s Guild*
Meepel: So...Aldis...thank you, why does everyone hate you?
Aldis: I was a super awesome guy that everyone loved...but then I did something and got banned.  I do have this awesome sword though!  There’s only two of them in the world!
Assassin: AHA! There he is! The guy named Aldis! Quick everyone, ATTACK HIM WITH ALL YOUR...where did my entire bottom half go?
Aldis: Yeah, I’m not dealing with that crap right now...
Momodi: ...geez, ANOTHER intermediate Gladiator?  That’s the 4th one this week! I need to tell Mylla to stop sending them here. Cleaning up after those assassins is tiring!
Meepel: So...what do we do now?
Aldis: Look just tell Mylla I got everything handled and she doesn’t have to worry about anything!
Meepel: But I can help!
Aldis: SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING!

*Gladiator’s Guild*
Meepel: You don’t have to worry about anything, Aldis has it.
Mylla: Oh, thank you...yeah, sorry about that outburst.  I got a little...emotional...so I’m going to teach you how to throw a shield!  Then after that, you can go save this GLadiator who almost died because of Assassins.
Meepel: Have you done this before?
Mylla: Maybe! BUT NO TIME! HE’S GOING TO DIE!


*one potioning of a Gladiator later*
Aldis: Oh look, we’ve run into each other again, laddie!
Meepel: So...what’s going on with you and her?
Aldis: Look, there’s this criminal organization called the Alacran and they want me...AND ONLY ME...dead.  Now, it’ll be easier if I handle this alone!
Meepel: Ok.
Aldis: YOU GOT THAT!? DO NOT GET HELP!  I’M WARNING YOU!
Meepel: Ok.

*Gladiator’s Guild*
Meepel: Aldis is being hunted but that’s ok, he doesn’t want help!
Mylla: Ok, not sure why you’re telling me that…
Aldis: BECAUSE I’M WARNING YOU, I DON’T NEED HELP!
Mylla: I mean...ok, I get that...I wasn’t going to offer you any but…
Aldis: I’m not joking! I SWEAR I’M DOING THIS ON MY OWN!
Mylla: FINE! Don’t accept my help I wasn’t going to give you!
Meepel: I’m confused…
Aldis: Good! Now let’s all go fight the Alacran together, BECAUSE I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN!
Mylla: AND YOU WON’T GET ANY HELP FROM ME! Meepel, let’s go and assist him!
Meepel: …

*At the Silver Bazaar*
Alacran Jerk: There’s the bounty, let’s do this!
Alacran Man: Yeah, there’s no way this bad ass has a chance against us!
Alacran Dude: He’s totally a coward, he came with friends! THAT ONLY RAISES OUR CHANCES!
*They get beaten badly*
Aldis: I told you I can do this by myself!
Mylla: I know, and that’s why I totally didn’t help you by stabbing the other guy!
Aldis: Glad we see eye to eye!
Alacran: Aha, Aldis we meet again!
Meepel: Hey, your sword looks like Aldis’!
Aldis: Aye, Laddie!  That be Leavold!  He’s my equal and the one we need to watch out for.  In fact we just had a duel off screen that amounted to nothing!
Mylla: It was quite a fierce battle indeed! Glad I helped!  Also Leavold is totally a good guy, why is he bad?
Aldis: Because unlike the laddie Meepel here, Leavold is a big jerk and created the EVIL Alacran criminal organization!
Meepel: Are you going to tell me what happened between you three!?
Mylla: Sure...BACK AT THE GLADIATOR’S GUILD!

*Gladiator’s Guild*
Aldis: So basically...I’m going to deal with him alone, good bye!
Mylla: Yeah...you wanna go help another of my men from the Alacran? They were searching and never returned.
Meepel: Is this a trap?
Mylla: No, just reconnaissance!
Meepel: Ok.

*On reconnaissance*
Meepel: This is boring…
Alacran: AHA! YOU FELL FOR MY TR-*stabbed in the face*
Meepel: Still boring…
Gladiator: You saved me! By the way, Aldis is over there, he wants to tell you something!
Aldis: Yeah, you’re doing good laddie, but what’s important is I CAN DO THIS MYSELF! Leavold is a big jerk and I need to deal with him myself!  MAKE SURE MYLLA KNOWS THIS!
Meepel: OK.

*Back at the Gladiator Base*
Meepel: Aldis has everything under control.
Mylla: Nonsense! He just got arrested by the Brass Blades! Apparently they’re suspicious he’s going to assassinate the Sultana! We have to go and help straighten this out! WIth me rookie!
Meepel: Sure.

*after some useless investigating that is just filler, we’re at the execution site of Aldis*
Aldis: Well, this sucks, but at least I did it all by myself!
Mylla: No Aldis! You can’t die, not when Leavold is still at large!
Leavold: Yeah, how dare you die when we haven’t dueled yet!
Aldis: HA! Just as planned! I got arrested to lure you out and expose you, TRAITOR!
Leavold: ...well I walked into that one…
Mylla: So...large scale battle between the guild and the Alacran, join me, laddie!
Meepel: Ok.
*one epic battle later*
Meepel: We win
Aldis: Now surrender, Leavold!
Leavold: YOU’LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE! *Jumps off a ledge*
Aldis: ...well, I can’t say he’s wrong…
Mylla: Alls well that ends well?
Meepel: But...he’s dead…
Mylla: ALLS. WELL. THAT. ENDS. WELL!

*back at Gladiator Guild*
Mylla: Well, we made up with Aldis, Leavold is beaten, and you’re now good enough to graduate from the guild.  Congrats, laddie!
Meepel: Yay, where do I go from here
Lulutsu: EXTRA EXTRA! Sultana is now going to take Outsiders into being Paladins! GET GOING NOW!
Meepel: Sounds good.  I’ll do it!

*at the Chamber of Rule*
Sultansworn Jenlyns: So, you want to be a Paladin?  Well, lady…
Meepel: ...you called me by the right thing, yay…
Jenlyns: You must EMBARK ON A RIGOROUS TASK! This will be impossible and tough! You must go to Southern Thanalan, light a torch, and kill some undead.
Meepel: Ok.
*Meepel does exactly that, still in Southern Thanalan*
Meepel: Well, that was easy, do I get to be a Paladin now?
Mysterious Rogadynn: Aha! I saw that! Brilliant display! So much that I want you to take this stone! It will serve you well!  Show it to the Sultansworn!
Meepel: Ok, I will do that.

*at the Sultansworn*
Jenlyns: Aha! Well done! Now I will now give you THE SOUL OF A PALADIN! It is a rock with a special design on it, and it will make you a Paladin!
Meepel: Like this one?
Jenlyns: ...by the twelve, YOU HAVE A SOUL OF A PALADIN!? HOW CAN THAT BE!?  Wait, it must have been given to you by...A TRAITOR! Yes, that rogue Paladin who is a bad guy! He broke an oath and must be brought to justice! Do not be deceived by him!
Meepel: He seemed nice…
Jenlyns: DO NOT BE DECEIVED! Now equip your SOUL OF THE PALADIN, and become one of us.
Meepel: So I equip this and then…
*big flashy effects, lightings, other things happen, and when all is said and done…*
P. Meepel: I...feel...livelier, more vivid, more capable of expressing myself! I also feel like I’ve done a whole lot of nothing and went through an entire ordeal of nonsensical bullcrap in an attempt to save some jerk.
Jenlyns: And thus, now you are a true Paladin, but you still have much to learn.
P. Meepel: ...this is going to require more inane nonsense that ultimately doesn't actually tie-in with what I’m going to learn, isn’t it?
Jenlyns: Oh, absolutely!
P. Meepel: Gods damn it.  Can you at least tell me WHY that guy is a traitor?
Jenlyns: Well you see, long ago, we were once respected!
P. Meepel: ...I asked you a simple question…
Jenlyns: The Sultana and people loved us! None were on the level of the Paladins!
P. Meepel: Yes, but can you just…
Jenlyns: And none could match us! We were the finest of the greatest knights of all the land! Even the Heavensward in Ishgard bowed before our divinity!
P. Meepel: I get that, but that has noth-
Jenlyns: AND WE FOUGHT WITH THE GREAT SWORD OATHKEEPER! It was a brilliant and shining sword!
P. Meepel: ...I want one of tho-...wait, that still has nothing to do with what I asked!
Jenlyns: And there was one of us! The greatest of us! WE ALL LOVED HIM! THE WORLD LOVED HIM!
P. Meepel: Are we finally getting to answer my question?
Jenlyns: And then...HE STOLE THE OATHKEEPER! And with that the trust of the Sultansworn was lost! Oh how I wish for the glory days to return!  We will never be looked at the same way again! Woe is us, the Paladins of Old!!!
P. Meepel: Yeah, I’m just...going to practice my new Paladin abilities...far away from here...like La Noscea or something...yeah, that should be far enough away!


*A bunch of dead ringtails later*
Jenlyns: And so no one will ever, EVER trust the Paladins the same way again! EVER!  So anyway, now that my story is done, and I’m glad you were here the entire time.
P. Meepel: Yeah, I totally didn’t go to La Noscea to kill a bunch of wild life for no good reason other than to practice my skills while you were monologuing! Nope! Totally didn’t do that!
Jenlyns: Ah, good! Now you are ready to go and cross-swords with the SULTANSWORN FINEST!
P. Meepel: ...that seems to be rushing things, doesn’t it?
Jenlyns: Nonsense! A Paladin of your level…
P. Meepel: I’ve only been this way for a few hours though…
Jenlyns: Clearly can fight the FINEST of Paladins! Now go off, my young Paladin Lady, and defeat the greatest the Sultansworn has to offer!
P. Meepel: Something tells me this is a really bad idea…

*at Eastern Thanalan*
Sultansworn #1: There you be, rookie! ARE YOU READY TO DUEL THE FINEST OF US!?
P. Meepel: This hardly seems fair…
Sultansworn #2: AH! GOOD! THEN YOU’RE READY! TO ARMS!
*they all trip over their swords*
P. Meepel: ...does that mean I win?
Sultansworn #3: Ay! You have bested us! Such skill with a blade!
P. Meepel: I think it was more the lack of skill in this instance…
Sultansworn #4: Yes, and now you will learn the true art of being a Paladin: HOW TO COVER YOUR ALLIES! It is how we have gone so far!
P. Meepel: ...yeah, I’ll let you live in that delusion of grandeur…

*back at Jenlyns*
P. Meepel: So I learned how to cover…
Jenlyns: You beat my finest warriors, you truly are a talented one!
P. Meepel: I’d say less “beat” and more “watched them beat themselves…”
Jenlyns: That’s good, soon you shall be ready to face Solkzagy!!
P. Meepel: Who?
Jenlyns: The traitorous scum who took our sword!
P. Meepel: Ok, and when were you going to tell me I was going to fight him?
Jenlyns: I swear I did.  Didn’t you listen to my whole history!?
P. Meepel: ...crap…
Jenlyns: Yes, and for you to be ready, you must go to these various locations!
P. Meepel: And just how will that help me?
Jenlyns: Legendary Paladin Gear of the highest order to make you strong!
P. Meepel: ...fair enough!


*Meepel gets the Artifact gear*
P. Meepel: Ok, I got these gloves, coronet, greaves, and pants...but where’s the armor?
Jenlyns: Alas, it was lost in the annuls of time!
P. Meepel: ...you forgot where you left it, didn’t you?
Jenlyns: In laymans terms, yes.  No time for that, I have arranged a parley for you in Southern Thanalan!  GO FORTH YOUNG WARRIOR!
P. Meepel: That seemed awfully convenient...what could go wrong?


*at Southern Thanalan*
Jenlyns: AHA! Now that I have you alone, I SHALL EXPOSE YOU! You were the true traitor all along, young one! I knew it! Solkzagyl chose you as a proxy! But now that you’re here, me and my finest shall defeat you!
P. Meepel: Wait what!? I...you know there is no way I could do that!  Tell me one situation where I should be a suspect?
Jenlyns: Remember my large rant that you left?
P. Meepel: ...wait, you actually noticed that?
Jenlyns: But of course! Now to regain the honor of the Sultansworn!  YOU AND THE MONETARISTS SHALL BE DEFEATED!
P. Meepel: Crap…
*Meepel fights and wins*
Jenlyns: No! I refuse to accept your innocence!
P. Meepel: Look, I didn’t do it, OK!?  I got to Ul’dah, met some drunken guy, got called a man a lot for some strange reason, helped some banned guy from the Gladiator’s Guild deal with his demons only for some prick to die, got shoved into being a Paladin, got a stone from a crazy Rogadynn, and then this happens!?
Jenlyns: And why should I believe you!?
P. Meepel: Because one of your OWN MEN is literally about to stab you in the back as we speak?
Jenlyns: Wait what?! How can this…
*Traitorous Sultansworn about to stab Jenlyns gets a slash in the back*
Solkzagyl: Aha! I got here just in time! Seems I have saved your life, Jenlyns!
Jenlyns: But...you’re the traitor! Why did you save me?
Solkzagyl: Because I’m not a traitor at all, I merely faked it to weed out the TRUE traitors identity! I’ve been loyal the entire time! You were just so full of yourself that you couldn’t even think outside the box…
P. Meepel: Tell me about it...
Jenlyns: ...in that case, we shall speak back in Ul’dah!


*Ul’dah*
P. Meepel: Ok, why couldn’t we just discuss that back there?
Jenlyns: Because I passed out and needed rest…
P. Meepel: ...fair enough.
Jenlyns: In any event, we shall strike back at the Monetarists by fighting them in Snowcloak!
P. Meepel: Why there?
Jenlyns: Because I said so damn it!
P. Meepel: O...k…
Jenlyns: Just go meet with Solkzagyl in East Thanalan to learn more details.
*East Thanalan*
P. Meepel: So what do you need me to do?
Solkzagyl: I don’t know.  Honestly, I think it would have made more sense to just rendezvous at the site...makes me question choosing Jenlyns as my successor…
P. Meepel: ...he’s doing this so he can face the Monetarists single handedly and is going to die if he does, isn’t he?
Solkzagyl: Probably, and we should probably go help him.
P. Meepel: Gods damn it…
*At Snowcloak*
Assassin: Aha, you have fallen for my trap, Sultansworn! Now face the wrath of…
*big shield hits him in the head*
Assassin: Ow! Who did that!?
P. Meepel: Yeah, I’m just going to have to politely ask you to shut up, and it’d be helpful you surrendered and we ended all this stuff now.
Assassin: ...ok, I surrender.
P. Meepel: Figured, now let’s-...wait what?
Assassin: Yeah, you’re a strong, capable, competent fighter, and there’s no way I’d stand a chance against you! I only fight weaklings like that guy who challenged me!
P. Meepel: ...this has to be a joke.
Assassin: No joke! Now I shall flee into the sunset!
*He runs off*
P. Meepel:...but you’re running east, the complete opp-...ah not worth it.
Solkzagyl: And with that, my job here is done!
P. Meepel: But you didn’t do anything…
Solkzagyl: Didn’t I!?
P. Meepel: No, you really didn’t…
Solkzagyl: And now, I shall go off, to find the OATHKEEPER that was stolen from us! Jenlyns, I leave the Sultansworn in your hands!
Jenlyns: Yes sir, oh great and mighty loyal warrior sir!
P. Meepel: So...I think I’m just going to take on the Garlean Empire if you don’t mind…

*sometime later, after Alphinaud has a major **** up and Ishgard has opened its doors and more of Meepel’s...selves...have spawned*

P. Meepel: So...Jenlyns...you wanted me?
Jenlyns: Yes, we have a whole bunch of new recruits and well..
P. Meepel: ...let me guess.  They’re incompetent and you need someone, namely myself, to whip them into shape through example by being...well...competent?
Jenlyns: That’s one way to put it, yes.
P. Meepel: Ok, where are they?
Jenlyns: Camp Bluefog!

*at Camp Bluefog*
P. Meepel: Ok, much as I want to go around calling you guys “maggots’ and all that...I can’t bring myself to do that.  Not the kind of person I am…
Recruit #1: But Miss Lardos, we can’t deal with this stuff here!
Recruit #2: Yes, how are we supposed to defend this spot!? I mean, it’s not like we have weapons or anything!
P. Meepel: ...ok, you see that large sharp object at your sides?
Recruit #3: Oh, you mean this oversized butter knife I used for my toast?
P. Meepel: ...that’s called a sword...it’s a weapon.
Recruit #4: IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!!
P. Meepel: Now, go try practicing this on local wild life.
*Recruits practice and fail on some basic elementals*
Recruit #1: Ma’am, we can’t win! Can you demonstrate!?
P. Meepel: *sigh* Do I have to? Ok, but if you can’t do it after I demonstrate, there’s going to be consequences.
Wh. Meepel: Oooh! Can I deal with them ^_^?
P. Meepel: GODS NO!  Not THAT kind of consequences.  I simply meant I was going to force tough training and calisthenics on them.
Wh. Meepel:  Awww, you’re no fun ;_;
P. Meepel: Anyway, let me show you how it’s done.  You see that giant lizard over there?
Recruit #2: You mean that HUGE BASILISK THAT WILL KILL US ALL!?
P. Meepel: ...that’s supposed to be a routine...nevermind, just watch me.
*Meepel kills the basilisk effortlessly*
P. Meepel: Any questions?
Recruit #1: Wow! You’re so awesome, you could save all of Eorzea!
P. Meepel: Yeah, it’s not like I’ve done that or anything!
W. Meepel: You not being humble…
P. Meepel: Quiet you!
Papashan: Aha! Meepel! Found you!
P. Meepel: ...you were not there 5 minutes ago…
Papashan: Irrelevant! What’s important is Solkzagyl has been in contact with me and said he found The Oathkeeper!
P. Meepel: ...not sure what that has to do with me.
Papashan: Well, he asked for you! He’s in Falcon’s Nest, so head off that way.
P. Meepel: So...it just happens to be in the coldest part of the continent, hidden behind a giant wall of xenophobic jerks?
Papashan: Yes, yes it is!
P. Meepel: That...actually does explain why he couldn’t find it until now…

*At Falcon’s Nest in Western Coerthas*
P. Meepel: Ok, Solkzagyl, where did he go?
Generic Ishgardian: Ah, would you by any chance be looking for a Roeggadynn?
P. Meepel: Yes, yes I am! You wouldn’t happen to know where he is?
Generic Ishgardian: Of course not! I actually had no idea so I figured I’d take a wild guess!
P. Meepel: ...then why did you even bother approaching me?
Generic Ishgardian: Because I’m important!
Wh. Meepel: You are!? Yay ^_^
*5 minutes later, Generic Ishgardian is a corpse, impaled on a giant stone slab*
P. Meepel: ...I think you took things too far…
Wh. Meepel: He wasted our time, so he had it coming ^_^!
W. Meepel: White Mage have issues...
P. Meepel: So does anyone know what happened?
Generic Ishgardian #2: Oi, Lad-...
P. Meepel: No, we’re DONE with that nonsense!
Generic Ishgardian #2: ...I was going to call you “lady”, isn’t that what you are?
P. Meepel: ...oh, sorry, just...you know...bad memories…
Generic Ishgardian #2: In any event, there was a Roeggadynn here who was attacked by the bandits from DEATH’S EMBRACE, and looked almost like a Paladin!  By the way, my name is Hundred Eyes!
P. Meepel: Aha! If it was Solkagyzl, he must have kicked thei-...
Hundred Eyes: ...and met an ill fate.  We buried him over there…
P. Meepel: ...gods damn it…

*At the grave*
P. Meepel: Well crap, what do I do now?
Young Boy: HELP! I’M UNDER ATTACK BY BANDITS!
P. Meepel: ...that’ll do…
*one worthless fight later*
Young Boy: Hey! Are you Meepel?
P. Meepel: Please tell me you actually have some kind of meaningful follow up to that…
Young Boy: Oh! I’m Constaint, I’m a friend of Solkagyzl…
P. Meepel: ...fair enough…
Constaint: Yeah, see...he’s dead...
P. Meepel: I’m aware…so how do you know him?
Constaint: Well, see I begged him really really hard to make me a Paladin and eventually he agreed to make me his pupil! ...but now he’s dead…
P. Meepel: *sigh* Ok, fine, I’ll train you.
Constaint: But I didn’t even as-...
P. Meepel: Look, I could see where this was going, so let’s cut to the chase.  You have a better idea where the Oathkeeper is than I do, and you need to be a Paladin to wield it.  I personally don’t care about it myself granted…
Constaint: How!? It’s a mighty sword among swords with a magnificent glow!
P. Meepel: ...yeah about that…*points to Excalibur Zeta*
Constaint: ...show off…
P. Meepel: So let’s train you up and get that sword from the Monetarist’s back.
Constaint: Sweet! Let’s Train!
*Heavensward quest complete theme*

*At Falcon’s Nest*
P. Meepel: So...Constaint...quick question…
Constaint: Yeah?
P. Meepel: If you’re not a Paladin yet, how are you wearing those boots?
Constaint: Oh, well, when Solkagyzl died, I kind of took his stuff in hopes to get super powers and well...you know…
P. Meepel: ...you do realize it doesn’t work that way at all, right?
Constaint: Look, they keep my feet warm ok!?  Besides, we need to find the other gear!
P. Meepel: So about being a Paladin…
Constaint: No time for that! We need to follow this trail of blood that will lead us to Solkagyzl’s assailants!
P. Meepel: ...I don’t think this kid understands what being a Paladin is at all…
*they find a Gallant Coronet in blood*
Constaint: This is his, NOOO!
P. Meepel: ...why are you reacting this way? We both knew he was dead already…
Constaint: In his honor, I WILL WEAR THIS CORONET!
P. Meepel: But...screw it, not worth it. 
Standard Assailant: AHA! There’s the useless kid that evaded us! Let’s get him!
Constaint: With the power of these boots and this crown, I SHALL VANQUISH THE-...
P. Meepel: ...Circle of Scorn…
*all the assailants explode*
Constaint: ...criminals…
P. Meepel: You can thank me later.  Let’s go back to Falcon’s Nest

*at Falcon’s Nest*
P. Meepel: Ok, you seem to have pent up aggression and it’s not just for Solkagyzl.
Constaint: Ok, they killed my parents, YOU HAPPY!?
P. Meepel: Whoa! I was just asking, sheesh.
Constaint: So I became a bandit...but want to repent, so I want to be a Paladin and getting the Oathkeeper will prove that!
P. Meepel: Yeah, good luck with that...I mean...uh, follow my lead and you may have a chance.
Constaint: So let’s follow the next lead! Clearly this missive I conveniently has will tell us exactly where to go!
P. Meepel: That seems awfully handy...why didn’t you bring it up before...also something doesn’t seem to fit here.
Constaint: Enough! We must go to this tree here and we shall find…
*at the tree*
Constaint: HIS PANTS!!
P. Meepel: ...we went all the way out here to get THAT!?
Constaint: But don’t you see? The more I wear of his stuff the-...
P. Meepel: ...you know? I could have made a very obvious joke, but that’s beneath me, so I’ll simply tell you to keep it to yourself.  In any event, Riversmeet is nearby, let’s head there.
W. Meepel: It faster to teleport to Falcon Nest.
P. Meepel: It also costs more.
W. Meepel: It not a lot…
P. Meepel: Quiet!
*at Camp Riversmeet*
Jenlyns: Aha! Glorious Meepel! I have found you again at last!
P. Meepel: I didn’t know you were looking for me…
Jenlyns: And it seems you now have a Pupil!
P. Meepel: That’s...a generous term for him, I assure you!
Jenlyns: So where is my best buddy Solkagyzl! I revel in seeing him again! Why i remember like it was just yesterday that…
*goes off on another speech while Meepel occasionally nods to pretend she’s paying attention, actuallying wondering how to spend her Poetics*
Jenlyns: And thus, that was how I spent my birthday that year! So how is he?
P. Meepel: ...he’s dead…
Jenlyns: ...oh…
P. Meepel: Yeah, we’re kind of looking for the Oathkeeper so…
Jenlyns: Aha! I shall go find it! For it is I who is worthy!
P. Meepel: Uh, actually, Constaint and myself have this cov-
Jenlyns: OFF I GO!
*Jenlyns runs off in some arbitrary direction*
Constaint: What are the chances he’ll find it?
P. Meepel: ...practically zilch…
Constaint: So I have a crazy idea...let’s attack Death’s Embrace head on and maybe find the weapon that way! I mean, they have it and all!
P. Meepel: That’s...actually rather bold and ingenious…
Constaint: Yeah...GO GET ‘EM!
P. Meepel: ... I figured there was a catch…
*Complicated sequence of events involving help from Ul’dah and House Hailenatte later that let’s be honest is just a crap ton of filler*
Constaint: Hey look, I found Solkagyzl’s Gauntlets! I SHALL WEAR THEM AND BECOME CLOSER TO HIM!
P. Meepel: ...you know what? Because I’m exhausted from all this worthless crap, I’ll just let you have this moment.
Constaint: But something doesn’t make sense...how did DEATH’S EMBRACE have his gauntlets!? That makes no sense! I mean, he didn’t meet them until…
P. Meepel: ...he’s been playing us…
Constaint: No! That’s so unlike him! A Paladin would never deceive!
P. Meepel: Except for that one time that he deceived the entire Sultansworn into believing he was a traitor to expose a real traitor, that somehow led to them thinking I was the culprit despite being with them for all of like a week tops?
Constaint: No! I must have faith that he’s actually dead!
Generic Ishgardian #3: Oh by the way, are you Constaint?
Constaint: Yes?
Generic Ishgardian #3: Yeah...Hundred Eyes got attacked by a bunch of wolves and is on death’s door, you may want to go see him.
P. Meepel: Wait, that guy actually still exists?


*with Hundred Eyes*
Hundred Eyes: Well, I’m dead, farewell my friend!  By the way, Solkagyzl…
P. Meepel: Is still alive, yes, I figured that out, just tell us where he is already?
Hundred Eyes: Fine.  He’s over in the north part of Coertha.
Constaint: Thank you my friend! I shall be a true Paladin yet!
P. Meepel: ...seriously? That’s how you say good bye to a dying friend?
*at Lancegate in Coerthas*
P. Meepel: Ok, we’ve been standing here for a good hour waiting for him, and I’m freezing.
Constaint: Aha! But a Paladin must have conviction to handle the cold!
P. Meepel: And that’s why most of them live in the searing hot desert that is Thanalan…
Constaint: He will come, I tell you! Trust me!
Solkagyzl: Aha! You have passed my test!
P. Meepel: Whoa! Where did yo come from!?
Solkagyzl: I am mysterious in my ways!
P. Meepel: You know, with your knack for showing up out of nowhere unexpectedly, you sure Paladin was the right route to go?
Constaint: Sir! You’re alive, HOW!?  Tell me you somehow were brought back to life and that this all wasn’t some crazy ruse!
Solkagyzl: Oh, well, you see, I FAKED MY DEATH to inspire young Constaint here to become a TRUE PALADIN!
Constaint: ...oh…
P. Meepel: Wait, I thought you were looking for the Oathkeeper?
Solkagyzl: No, I had already found it!
P. Meepel: THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT OF EVERYTHING I JUST DID!?
Solkagyzl: You see, it wasn’t enough to just FIND it, we have to reactivate it, and only a new true Paladin can do it, so I needed to orchestrate the whole scenario.
P. Meepel: I’m sure there was a far easier, less deceptive way to go about that…
Solkagyzl: And now, for the final act to repower the sword.  Constaint, you must DUEL MEEPEL USING THE MIGHTY OATHKEEPER, THE GREATEST OF PALADIN SWORDS!
P. Meepel: ...my Excalibur Zeta really begs to differ…
Constaint: No, LET’S GO MEEPEL! I WILL CHALLENGE YOU TO…
P. Meepel: ...Circle of Scorn…
*Constaint goes flying*
Solkagyzl: A brilliant match indeed, the Oathkeeper has been restored! Now my young apprentice…
P. Meepel: ...technically, he was mine...heck, you didn’t teach him crap, I taught him everything!
Solkagyzl: You have earned the Oathkeeper, now I must be off! Well done both of you!
P. Meepel: So...I kick your ass and you get the Oathkeeper…
W. Meepel: It make much sense like other things…
P. Meepel: You’re not wrong…
Constaint: Thank you for your help, Meepel. Now I shall be THE BEST FREE PALADIN I CAN BE! I WILL GO FORTH AND BRING LIGHT TO THE WORLD!!!
P. Meepel: Yeah, just don’t get your ass kicked by a basilisk.  I mean, seriously? What kind of Paladin can’t fight basilisk yet employs themselves in Northern Thanalan?

*sometime later, after Meepel has fought an epic battle against the Knights of the Round, a giant dragon, and some sloppy opponent, Meepel decides to go back to the Sultansworn after being told Jenlyns wanted to see her*

Jenlyns: Ah! Meepel! My star pupil!
P. Meepel: I’m not sure you taught me anything…
Jenlyns: Nonsense! You are the greatest person to ever be part of us! Why I remember when we first met!
P. Meepel: Look, can we skip the reminiscing and get straight to the point?  You said you wanted to see me.
Jenlyns: Ah, yes! I got an invitation for you! I have no idea what it’s for!
P. Meepel: ...so why don’t you just give it to me?
Jenlyns: Because, my dear pupil, it all started when this young man came up to me and…
*3 hours of nonsense later*
Jenlyns: And that, my dear Paladin, is how I got this letter! ...say where did she go?
Random Passerby: If you’re talking about the water melon haired Au Ra?  She took the letter and ran far away with it.
Jenlyns: Oh she’ll be back, mark my words!


*with Meepel*
P. Meepel: So...let’s see what this letter says.
Letter: YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO THE UL CUP! JOIN OR SUFFER HUMILIATION OF KNOWING YOU HAVE REJECTED THIS FINE ORDER!  IT WILL BE THE BATTLE OF THE CENTURY AND YOU WILL FOREVER BE DEEMED A CHICKEN IF YOU DON’TJOIN!
-Signed Nanamo Ul Namo
P. Meepel: Well crap, I kind of don’t have a choice now do I?
D. Meepel: Aha! Yes! A tournament of JUSTICE! NARY HAS THERE EVER BEEN A BETTER PLACE TO DISPLAY ONES SKILLS! Hark! Mighty Paladin! To battle we must go! FOR GLORY!
P. Meepel: ...yeah, sure, I accept...I guess...I mean, this WAS from the Sultana herself…wait, what’s this post script?
Letter: PS Please find capable warriors.  I don’t know any others besides you.  Thanks.
P. Meepel: ...gods damn it.  Well, guess I might as well start in the Gladiator Guild.

*at Gladiator Guild*
Mylla: Ah! Meepel! Long time no see!
P. Meepel: Indeed.  When last I saw you, I was practically a different person...heck, did I even count as a person then?
Mylla: Well, you certainly were quite the laddie!
P. Meepel: ...anyway, the UL CUP is starting again, and we kind of need participants besides well...me...and being this is the Gladiator Guild…
Mylla: Say no more! Clearly you should search the entirety of Ul’dah to find suitable warriors!
P. Meepel: ...but I came to you for advi-...
Mylla: GO LOOK FOR THEM YOURSELF! YOU HAVE MY BLESSING!
P. Meepel: …*sigh* Fine.
*after searching a bunch of random dudes and several saying yes or no, Meepel comes across a weird guy*
P. Meepel: You there, suspicious man, can you please join the tournament, we need one more!
Mysterious Man: …
P. Meepel: ...silence doesn’t answer me you realize…
Mysterious Man: Will there be...rewards?
P. Meepel: I...guess?
Mysterious: Ok, I’m in.
P. Meepel: Ok, good…
*Stormblood Quest theme complete theme kicks in*

Mylla: Ok, listen up everyone! Here’s the rules according to the Sultana!
P. Meepel: ...wait, why are you in charge? I thought Nanamo was running this!
Mylla: Quiet! I’M IN CHARGE NOW BECAUSE I’M THE GLADIATOR GUILD LEADER!
Bartholomew: More like the Gladiator Guild Tyranical Bi-*gets hit by a large shield* OW!
Mylla: PAY ATTENTION MAGGOTS! Now the way this works is you fight until you’re knocked out or dead, and if anyone goes for option #2, I will personally kill you myself and disqualify you...SO DON’T KILL ANYONE YOU HEAR!?
P. Meepel: Sure, sounds easy enough; I’m more of the “not dying” type than the “Kill the enemy dead” type after all.
W. Meepel: It better way to live.
P. Meepel: Agreed.
Wh. Meepel: I don’t ^_^
P. Meepel: YOU DON’T COUNT!
Bartholomew: Whatever, I’m the Bronze Bull, you’ll probably put me against some weakling that I will have no problems beating!
Mylla: ...congrats, Bart, you get to face the one and only WARRIOR OF LIGHT HERSELF…
P. Meepel: ...let’s just get this over with.
Bartholomew: THIS little weakling!?  You expect me to think she can take me on!? Yar! I’ll crush her between my might fists and shields! I HAVE THE MIGHTY BRONZE BULL CHARGE! What are YOU going to do about that!?
P. Meepel: ...Shield Bash…
Bartholomew: Shield Bash?
P. Meepel: Shield Bash.
*Meepel Bashes shield into the face of Bartholomew*
Bartholomew: Ow! What the hell was that for!?
P. Meepel: We’re in a battle, last I checked I was trying to kick your ass and you’re suppose to be attempting the same on me?
Bartholomew: Oh, you think you’re funny!? WELL EAT TH-...
*Meepel Shield Bashes him again*
Bartholomew: Damn it, STOP THAT!
P. Meepel: Ok.
*Meepel uses Goring Blade and sends him flying*
Bartholomew: You hit me, that’s cheating!
P. Meepel: Ok, I promise I won’t hit you if you just say two words.
Bartholomew: And what’s that!?
P. Meepel: The word “surrender” preceded by “I”.
Bartholomew: I surrender?
Mylla: AND MEEPEL IS THE WINNER!
Bartholomew: HEY THAT’S NOT FAIR!
D. Meepel: Nonsense! All is fair in love, war, and TOURNAMENT FIGHTINGS if we don’t break the rules!
P. Meepel: ...she’s not wrong…

*Round 2*
P. Meepel: Ok, so I’m ready for this!
Mylla: No you aren’t!
P. Meepel: But...I totally am, what gives?
Mylla: This is a battle Royale, and you’re not in this!
P. Meepel: WHY NOT!?
Mylla: You got seeded.
P. Meepel: Oh, fair enough.  So what should I…
Mylla: Watch! Because whoever wins this may be your next opponent.
P. Meepel: Please, why should I care who…
Constaint: MEEPEL! I HAVE RETURNED AND LOOK! I’M AN AWESOME PALADIN NOW!
P. Meepel: Oh...Constaint...when did you join the tournament?
Constaint: When you recruited me for it!
P. Meepel: Wait I did that? When did that happen?
Midgarsormr: During the montage that skipped you doing that.
P. Meepel: ...what’s a montage?
Constaint: I SHALL NOT LET YOU DOWN!


*Round 2 begins, Constaint defeats some jerk named Franz the Fair*
Constaint: Aha! I shall progress further...for all that I’m feeling exhausted from that fight…
Mylla: Yeah, and unfortunately, YOU STILL HAVE TO FIGHT ME!
Constaint: ...poop…
*Constaint gets eliminated*
Mylla: And soon, I shall be in the finals myself of this tournament I am controlling! Whose my last opponent?
Mysterious Guy: …
Mylla: Aha, the mysterious BLACK LOTUS!
Black Lotus: Yes, I guess I have to fight you?
Mylla: Yes, but don’t think I’ll go easy on...did I just get eliminated without even noticing?
Black Lotus: Yes.
P. Meepel: ...ok, I was watching that whole thing and I have no idea what just happened....he’s going to be my opponent isn’t he?
Black Lotus: Yes, Warrior of Light, we shall battle.
Mylla: Damn it, I was hoping to do this! But for now, we must take a rest.

*sometime later*
P. Meepel: So...the finals are about to happen eh?
Mylla: No, they aren’t.
P. Meepel: ...ok, why aren’t they happening?
Mylla: Your opponent quit.
P. Meepel: Oh, so I win by default, works for me!
Mylla: No! You must investigate! This guy really wanted to fight you and now doesn't.  THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!
P. Meepel: No, seriously, I’m fine with just getting the award by default…
Mylla: NO! THAT IS NOT IN YOUR GLADIATOR SPIRIT!
P. Meepel: ...but...I’ve been a Paladin for at least 2 years now...
Mylla: GET GOING OR YOU’RE BANNED FROM THE GLADIATOR’S GUILD!
P. Meepel: Fine, sheesh…

*After some searching, P. Meepel finds the Black Lotus*
Black Lotus: What do you want?
P. Meepel: I want to win the Tournament and while I’m fine with you surrendering, apparently no one else is.  So…
Black Lotus: Look, I can’t fight ok?!
P. Meepel: And why not?  Please don’t make me ask you multiple times in the same way…
Black Lotus: If I do, something bad will happen.  That’s all you need to know, laddie!
P. Meepel: …that doesn’t really answer anything...except who you are, Aldis…
Aldis: You see, if I don’t-...wait, how did you know it was me, laddie?
P. Meepel: You called me laddie; only a handful of people do that, and you're the only one still alive who is unaccounted for.
Aldis: Oh well...ok then.  Anyway, I was taking care of this kid, then suddenly these guys kidnapped him and said I had to give up the fight if I want to see him again.
P. Meepel: So...hostage situation.  Got it.  OK, I’ll rescue the kid and solve this entire problem, because we both know it’s just going to turn into that.

*one rescue attempt later that honestly there’s no point in going into depth about because they’re all the same*
P. Meepel: There, I’ve saved the kid, the guys have their asses kicked, we have proof that the matches were being fixed by a Lalafell.
Aldis: Ah, good job laddie!
Mylla: Wait, YOU were the Black Lotus the entire time?
P. Meepel: ...ok, when did you get here?
Mylla: I was always here!
P. Meepel: No, you really weren’t.
Mylla: It doesn’t matter, now we can have the finals!  Only Aldis?
Aldis: Yeah?
Mylla: Go as the Black Lotus.  Trust me, things will be a lot easier if they don’t know a guy banned from the Gladiator’s Guild is one of the competitors.
Aldis: Got it!


*at the Ul Cup*
Nanamo: Oh warriors, you two are the greatest of what Ul’dah has to offer! I have no bias in this fight…
P. Meepel: Oh bullshit.  You know as well as I do you’re rooting for me, given you know me personally...heck, you’re even holding a Meepel flag...which I’m honestly surprised they sell…
Aldis: To be fair, you are a country wide celebrity, laddie…
P. Meepel: Touche...
Namamo: BIASES ASIDE, let us have an honorable match between the Warrior of Light and the Black Lotus.
*fight starts, but mid-way, Meepel knocks Aldis’ mask off revealing his identity*
Spectator #1: Oi, is that Aldis, the guy BANISHED FROM THE GLADIATOR GUILD?!
Spectator #2: Oi, it is! This is a sham!
Spectator #3: Quick! Everyone! Riot! That’s the only proper response here!
Aldis: Ok, look, I’m sorry, and if I have to forfeit the match to insure that won’t happen, then so be it.
P. Meepel: I’m fine with that...
Mylla: Hold on...yes, that is Aldis, the banned fighter...and what better way to end the tournament than between one of the greatest swordsmen of our time and the Warrior of Light?  I say, let the fight continue!  Are we going to let such petty things get in the way?
*The crowd suddenly goes wild*
P. Meepel: ...so...are you still going to…
Aldis: No.
Nanamo: The crowd has spoken, and besides, it’s been so long since those trangressions, I think we can finally remove the ban.  LET THE FIGHT CONTINUE!
P. Meepel: Ok, fine, but under one condition…
Nanamo: Yes?
P. Meepel: Play music suitable for an epic final duel between us, and I will give it my all.
Nanamo: How’s Torn from the Heavens?
P. Meepel: That’ll do!


*one big awesome swordfight later, Meepel is victorious*
P. Meepel: God damn it, why did I agree to this?
Aldis: You won…
P. Meepel: Yeah, but...geez, I’m going to be sore in the morning, did you have to hit so hard?
Aldis: Ah, but laddie, it was an epic fight of all time!  Of course I had to give it my all! I just wonder why you didn’t do use Hallowed Ground and Clemency to mitigate the damage!
P. Meepel: ...gods damn it…
Nanamo: And the winner of the Ul Cup is the Warrior of Light, Meepel!  And with that, she can now learn the ability Passage of Arms!
P. Meepel: Oh, joy, that doesn’t sound very interesting.
Nanamo: Oh just try the skill out before you complain.
P. Meepel: Fine but I’m not expecting-*Huge giant wings of light and a big ass barrier appear in front of Meepel as she holds her shield up* ...ok, I won’t lie, that looks pretty awesome.
Nanamo: And with that, the Ul Cup is over!
Mylla: Well done Meepel, I knew you were destined for great things.
P. Meepel: ...sure, say this after I’ve already saved Eorzea more times than I can count…
Aldis: Oi, laddie, let me take you out for a drink, my treat!


Narrator: And with that, we conclude how Paladin came to be who she is.
P. Meepel: That...didn’t explain anything other than maybe my birth.  All that happened was I wasted a lot of time helping some idiots with a sword, and some guy kept calling me “laddie” despite me being female.  Did showing these events accomplish anything?
D. Meepel: Ah,but dear sister, the world now knows your heroic acts of JUSTICE AND HONOR! Truly you have left a mark on us all!

35

General Chat / Re: Record Keeping Final Fantasy Record Keeper

« on: April 08, 2018, 01:31:42 AM »

My Pulls:

Banner 1-4: I only 100 Gem'd, did get Luneth's LMR from one of them at least.
Banner 5: Threw 4 pulls at this.  Got Terra's AOSB (!!!!), her Glint (Yay!), Krile's CSB (My first 5*+ Whip!), Yuffie's LMR, Krile's LMR, Yuffie's AOSB, and a dupe Tidus CSB.  Wanted Terra's BSB2 just for completion purposes but...I can live without it, and pray they don't change the record dungeon select (it seems they've stopped that crap after the first Keeper Select stunt that pissed people off?)

33 Pull #2: Rinoa's BSB2 (-_-), Serah BSB, Curilla's SSB, some dupe I can't recall, Shantotto USB

Healer Lucky Draw: Dupe Sarah SSB, dupe Relm SSB (that is COMPLETELY obsolete so it's a Rosetta stone), and Rosa SSB (well, it's new)

Buff Lucky Draw: Curilla USB, Gogo-5 SSB, Matoya SSBx2


Picked up Ayame STuff from the 11 draw free thing, because I had a dupe of everything and FF11 was only an SSB, and I could use more Ice stuff so...yes, I just got 2 BSBs, but I don't have any physical Ice things and one of those is Rinoa BSB2 so quiet!

36

General Chat / Re: Record Keeping Final Fantasy Record Keeper

« on: March 28, 2018, 04:52:27 AM »

I just 100 Gem'd Lightning's Ultra.

THis is making me scared for my luck in the future.

37

General Chat / Re: Record Keeping Final Fantasy Record Keeper

« on: March 26, 2018, 01:16:12 AM »

Here's the results of the Parade + Free Pulls.  Haven't done the 2nd 33 pull for 50 Mythril:

FF15/T/T0: Malach's LMR (Well, I have his Ultra at least)
FF14: Y'shtola's USB (there was much rage when I saw the Disco turn into this...)
FF13: Sazh's SSB (Dupe -_-)
FF12: Vayne's BSB (ok, this is nice to go with his OSB that I have.  Fun fact? When I got this, I went "This is an omen; Vayne is going to be the revealed character in Dissidia Tomorrow!" ...and that's exactly what happened, leading to me saying "I WAS JOKING ABOUT THAT!")
FF11: Prishe Medica SSB (Dupe...)
FF10: Seymour LMR (I have his Super but little else, so blech)
FF9: Steiner SSB2 (Dupe *le sigh*)
FF8: Rinoa SSB1 (...I joked this is the worst thing you could get on the banner, go figure the game did this to me...)
FF7: Zack LMR (On one hand, YAY ZACK RELIC! On the otherhand, I don't have anything beyond his Uniques ;_; )
FF6: Kefka OSB (and thus, I FINALLY have a relic for every single villain in the game!  ALso BEST ANIMATION IN THE GAME!!!)
FF5: Lenna BSB (Whatever one I didn't have already, I now how both, let's leave it at that!)
FF4: Ursula LMR (I have her Burst, so not a total loss)
FF3: Cloud of Darkness LMR (I have her Hastega+Faithga Burst, so this isn't a loss at all)
FF2: Firion Burst (Dupe)
FF1: Echo SSB2 (I hate life sometimes...)

Yeah, the Parade basically kicked my ass outside of FF5, FF6, and FF12, getting Supers, Dupes and LMRs everywhere, as well as the ultimate Troll in the FF14 Draw.

Free 11 pull:
Paine's LMR (Dupe)
Kimhari's SSB (Dupe...also go to hell, Kimhari)
Garnet's SSB1 (graaaah!)
Locke's OSB (...ok, that's fine)
Rem's USB (that's ALSO fine!)

Yeah, basically got both trolled AND satisfied in the same draw, getting 5 relics, with all the 5*s being dupes, and the 2 6*s being new stuff.  I am ok with this.

Free 33 Pull:
Setzer's SSB (dated SSB AWAY!!!  Whatever one is on Death Tarot)
CoD SSB (...what's with all the CoD relics lately gods damn it? And what's with all the +Darkness defensive gear too!?)
Balthier's Burst (DUPE!!!! *shakes fist*  I forget which one, but it's the Spica)
Edward's Ultra (...ok, I am not allowed to argue about this one)
Bartz's Ultra (and I've basically lost any right to complain or whine about this pull at all)

...this one feels like an apology for the parade.

38

General Chat / Re: Final Fantasy 14 Stormblood Abridged aka the Adventures of Meepel

« on: March 09, 2018, 05:12:00 PM »

Episode 6: Dumplin is People Too

Alvin: So...how much you paying me for this?
Narrator: Who said anything about paying? I’m making you do this!
Alvin: What kind of leverage do you have?
Narrator: I’m the Narrator, do you really want to know?
Alvin: *sigh* Fine.  *checks script* So Meepel and her companions, after wasting a lot of time helping the Ruby Princess who wasn’t actually in trouble…
S. Meepel: Cuéntame sobre eso

Alvin: Our heroes end up...why does this script end abruptly exactly? I feel cheated!


P. Meepel: Ok, so where do we go next?
D. Meepel: Hark! There are people to the South West of here that need our help! WE MUST GO RESCUE THEM!
P. Meepel: How do you know that?
D. Meepel: Justice sense!
P. Meepel: ...this is the first time I’ve ever heard of you having such a thing…
Lyse: Wait, what about saving Gosetsu?
Gosetsu: Yeah, what about saving me?
Alisaie: ...wait weren’t you…
Gosetsu: I was and still am!
Alisaie: Wait, then how are you here?
Gosetsu: ...good question…
S. Meepel: Oh, ese era yo.  Puedes darme las gracias más tarde.
Salo’wen: You rescued him without him even noticing he was rescued? That’s so awesome! You really are an awesome hero.
Lyse: So...where do we go next?
Gosetsu: Ah, we should go to Yanxia!  That’s where the Domans are!
P. Meepel: ...sure, let’s go there, not like there’s any other better ideas.  Where is Yanxia?
Gosetsu: It’s to the South West exit of where we are!
P. Meepel: …
D. Meepel: Aha! As I said, my Justice Sense is accurate as always!
P. Meepel: I have no words…
R. Meepel: So like...can we get going already? If I stay around here any long, the salt water will totally ruin my hair and I’ll start looking like Quinn!
Quinn: As if you could ever gain my looks!
R. Meepel: You’re right, I’m just too much prettier than you for that to be possible!
Quinn: I don’t know, looks like your hair is already getting wet over there.
*she her flicks hair, and walks away irritated*
Alisaie: Well, I think it’s safe to say we know our next destination.
Natia: Yes, we’re going to Yanxia before we have to sea more of this place!
P. Meepel: So...is everyone in agreement then?
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: Shut up, Dumplin.

*in Yanxia*
Lyse Narrative: Yanxia.  A realm that is oppressed by the Garleans, that is part of Doma.  We have crossed the sea to come here and...really, I don’t know what else to say.  It’s basically the same as every other place we’ve been...just people dress differently and the architecture is different.
P. Meepel: Lyse, what are you doing?
Lyse: Oh just thinking VERY LOUDLY.
P. Meepel: Uh-huh…
Quinn: How did I get stuck you worthless scum again?
R. Meepel: Because you’re like a totally horrible person who has to do community service by helping save the world? I mean, duh!
Quinn: ...If you don't stop bothering me, I am going to pellet your pretty little dress full of molten lava.
Natia: That sounds like a hot encounter!
William: It is not the fire that injures the person but the heat from which the fire emits.  For it is in that fire that the fish is cooked!
Chunyi: So...are you a fisherman or a culinarian right now?
William: They are but one and the same under the right circumstances!
Chunyi: ...I’m sorry I asked…
Alisaie: I think we should stop all this...whatever it is we’re doing and actually consider where to go next.  We don’t have any real leads after all…
Gosetsu: Well we could just go to the town just over there! Perhaps they could be of assistance!
D. Meepel: Justice sense tingling.  I feel as though there are people in need of aid over there!
P. Meepel: Is there ever a situation where you DON’T think that?
D. Meepel: Alas, sister, you know very well that there are always those that need help! A heroes job is never finished! TO THE AID OF THE WEAK!
W. Meepel: We go now to town, that ok?
P. Meepel: Yes, sure, as long as makes her happy.

*at the town*
Gosetsu: Aha! Brothers and arms of Doma, it is I, GOSETSU! RETAINER OF LORD CYAN KAIEN!  I HAVE COME BEARING GOOD NEWS THAT I’M NOT DEAD!
Townsperson: ...oh no, he’s alive!
Citizen Guy: Please, get out of here!
Generic woman: THE BUTCHER WILL KILL US!
Alisaie: Not exactly the heart-warming welcome I was expecting…
Gosetsu: It’s ok, Citizens! You can stop the jesting!  I have come to bring hope!
Spoiled Brat Kid: You guys!? What are you doing here!? YOu’ll ruin everything! We were fine being oppressed subjugated folk under THE BUTCHER but now you’re here, they’ll kill us! OR MY NAME ISN’T ISSE!
W. Meepel: Ok, not-Isse.
Isse: ...I mean...you know what I mean by that.  We know why you’re here, please leave!
Lyse: Nonsense! FORMER CITIZENS OF DOMA! I am Lyse of Ala Mhigo! YOU WILL STAND UP TO THE GARLEANS! FOR LIBERTY IS UPON US! I will see to it that you will be freed!!!
Isse: ...what the hell is Ala Mhigo?
P. Meepel: You know, we are halfway across the world, I don’t think it’s a given that they’d know what areas of Eorzea are.  I mean, that’s like saying “I’m Meepel and I’m from Vesper Bay!”
Alisaie: Wait, you’re from Vesper Bay?  I thought you lived in your Free Company house in Lavender Beds.
P. Meepel: I do, but given how frequently I’ve had to return to the Waking Sands, I might as well call THAT home these days.  Perhaps I should inquire with Urianger if I can move in there…
S. Meepel: Ella no está equivocada acerca de eso ...
Random Guy: Ah! You’re from Vesper Bay!  That’s a fine place!
P. Meepel: ...ok now I know you’re screwing with me…
Random Guy: Nonsense! Everyone’s heard of Vesper Bay!
R. Meepel: Ok, like, if you know of Vesper Bay, what is in the middle of the town?
Random Guy: A giant statue of Lolorito, THE GREATEST BUSINESSMAN OF OUR TIMES! ALL HAIL LORD LOLORITO!
P. Meepel: …
R. Meepel: …
Lyse: …
Alisaie: ...
Gosetsu: So...about that joining our resistance…
Isse: It’s not happening ok!? Just leave us, PLEASE!
Lyse: And I refuse to give up on them! But it doesn’t seem like it’ll be possible to convince any of them in their current state of mind…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Throws on a pink dress and a sun-bonnet*
Asher: You there! You will awe at my MANLY SUNDAY Dress and fight in the resistance!
Dumbfounded Guy: I...what?
Asher: You heard me, JOIN IN LIBERATING DOMA NOW!
Dumbfounded Guy: No! I can’t! If I do that, I might die! I can’t die! I’m important!
*Gets hit by a bolt of lightning killing him*
Susano: Aha! Well played, my rival! Standing still managed to allow you to avoid my slightly misguided attack!
Isse: Is that...a primal?
P. Meepel: Yes, yes it is…
Isse: OH GOD! Now we really are going to…
S. Meepel: No, en realidad, no tienes nada de qué preocuparte ... solo confía en mí en esto ...

Isse: ...what?
Lyse: I don’t think we’re going to get anywhere with these people right now, is there another town we might be able to get forces with?
Gosetsu: Well, the resistance HQ is literally in walking distance from here, let’s go there!
D. Meepel: Aha! Finally we will meet fellow warriors in arms for JUSTICE in defeating the vile Garleans!
P. Meepel: ...question…
Gosetsu: Yes?
P. Meepel: Why didn’t we go to the Resistance HQ first? I mean, that seems like a more logical direction to go than the off chance that these cowards…
Isse: I HEARD THAT!
P. Meepel: ...would want to join us?
Gosetsu: Well you see, the reason for that is…
Dumplin: Kweh!!!!
*Dumplin running away from tigers*
Salo’wen: Meepel! Dumplin is in trouble! You need to rescue him!
P. Meepel: Gods damn it, Dumplin!


Alvin: After some...chincannery...the team reaches the HQ of the resistance!
P. Meepel: So...where’s the entrance?
Gosetsu: Right here! We must swim to the entrance! Be careful not to drown my friends! We put it there specifically so invaders can’t get in and only the BRAVEST OF SOULS can reach it! *Gosetsu dives in*
Alisaie: ...I daresay he doesn’t know we can breathe underwater now…
D. Meepel: Fear not, fellow warrior of justice Alisaie, for we shall follow him in suit of the great resistance!
P. Meepel: ...we both know that was completely unnecessary…
Asher: YES! TO ARMS!!!!
*Asher tears his left arm off and dives in*
W. Meepel: No one ask question...at all…
Natia: I guess he’s swimming with a handicap!
William: It is not the hand that is capped, but the cap that is handed!
Chunyi: So...I guess we must part ways for now.
Salo’wen: Wait!? But why!? I want to be more with our GREAT AND MIGHTY WARRIOR OF LIGHT!
Chunyi: Because they might be able to breathe underwater but we can’t.  It would be a shame if a fair maiden such as you and I were to drown. 
Quinn: Disgusting…
Chunyi: What?
Quinn: Nothing about that last statement applies to you AT ALL.
Chunyi: Oh!?
Quinn: First off, it won’t be ashamed if you die because no one cares about you (at least I don’t).  Secondly, you are NOT fair at all, in any sense of the word, especially when I’m around.  And lastly, and most importantly, YOU ARE NOT A MAIDEN!
R. Meepel: Well, like, Chunyi’s more of a fair maiden than you, Quinn!
Lyse: In any event, I feel we should get going…
*At the HQ*
Gosetsu: By the Kami, WHAT HAPPENED HERE!?
Generic Ninja Guy: Well...the Empire attacked...because of an Aetheryte…so we kind of destroyed it so they can’t come back…
Gosetsu: So...how are you all alive?
Generic Ninja Guy: Because we’re Ninjas!
Gosetsu: ah, makes sense!
P. Meepel: Except for the fact that it doesn’t…
Yugiri: Yeah, so...I have news about Lord Hien, SON OF THE LORD KAIEN!
P. Meepel: Whoa, lady! Do NOT sneak up on me like that!
Yugiri: Well, I am a ninja…
P. Meepel: ...fair point…
D. Meepel Wait, how did such WARRIORS OF JUSTICE with the power of Ninjutsu lose to such Rebel scum as…
Generic Ninja Guy: Well, Zenos was with them and…
D. Meepel: ...your situation is now understood…
Yugiri: So...about that news regarding Lord Hien…
Gosetsu: Yes, please tell us! HE IS THE SHINING HOPE OF OUR NATION!
Yugiri: He doesn’t want to join…
Gosetsu: ...what?! THEN ALL IS LOST! QUICK EVERYONE! LET US DO OUR SEPPUKU WE HAVE PRACTICED!
P. Meepel: Wait, how do you practice seppuku without dying exactly? That seems physically impossible…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Commits Seppuku, dies*
Chunyi: Raise your hand if you didn’t see that coming…
William: When one commits seppuku, it is the healing required for the restoration of their body, and it is not from my hands that the healing will commence.
Natia: Well, I’d say he got straight to the point!
Yugiri: ...let me rephrase.  What I meant to say is he’s not going to join simply like that and he needs some convincing.
Lyse: What kind of convincing do you need to restore your homeland?
Yugiri: Well you see…
P. Meepel: ...ah crap, seriously now? When she’s ABOUT to tell us?
Alisaie: What’s going o-...
P. Meepel: Echo.
Alisaie: Oh, well...have fun zoning out while Yugiri tells us exactly what you’re probably going to see!

*monochrome flashback*
Yugiri: Lord Hien, I found you!
Hien: Good job you did too…
Yugiri: JOIN US!
Hien: No.
Yugiri: But why not?
Hien: People don’t seem to want rebellion, who am I to force them to fight!?
Yugiri: But Lord Hien!”
Hien: Look, I tell you what.  You leave, and next time you find me, tell me if the people want to fight or not.  If they want to fight, I’ll lend them my sword against the empire.  If they want to submit, I’ll lend them my head as a peace offering!
Yugiri: That’s...kind of morbid…
Hien: It is, however, profound!


*echo ends*
Lyse: So if we convince these cowardly nobodies to fight, we’ll get a powerful ally in Lord Hien, is that right?
Yugiri: Basically.
P. Meepel: Oh sure, and I’m sure Asher jumping in a pink dress and a sunbonnet did wonders for raising their morale!
Alisaie: Did you seriously have to remind us of that?
W. Meepel: It was, however, humorous.
Lyse: Nevertheless, we need to find someway to get the Domans to fight.  It sounds like this Hien is a strong that would be a valuable ally.  What do we know about the townspeople here?
Gosetsu: According to the others, many are taken to a camp nearbye and forced into labor…
P. Meepel: ...meaning we should go in, rescue them, and show there is hope for all of them to push their morale and make them want to fight.
Alisaie: ...you beat me to saying the same thing by 5 seconds.
D. Meepel: Yes! A glorious act of heroism should make anyone willing to take up arms against the imperial scum! Come sisters, LET US GO RESCUE THEM!
Yugiri: Wait, we should probably handle this a bit more discreetly.
Lyse: What do you have in mind?
Yugiri: Well, we have these tranquilizer darts which we can fire from a long ways away and…

*shift to a scene near the imperial encampment*
P. Meepel: So...hit these things with this dart, they fall down instantly, and we go in and save the day, got that?
Yugiri: Well, that’s PART of the plan!
R. Meepel: Oooh! Can I shoot the dart?  Please!? It’s like so cool!
D. Meepel: Nay! One must do it with precision and direct control! That is the true nature of…
W. Meepel: Meepel FIRE puny darts!
*fires 5 darts and hits 5 different imperials with perfect precision*
P. Meepel: ...when did you become such a good marksmen?
W. Meepel: Is hidden talent.  Sometimes wonder if I should be bard…
Yugiri: Well, a bit more abrupt, but can’t argue with results.  Anyway, for part 2 of the plan, I suggest we grab one of those imperials, steal their clothes and sneak around in the-...
S. Meepel: Esta finito.
*all the prisoners are rescued and behind Meepel*
Yugiri: I...wait...when...how?
P. Meepel: Wow, Samurai, I knew you were efficient but this is a whole new level.  When did you do that?
S. Meepel: Bueno, sobre eso ...

*Echo kicks for Meepel about...herself...it’s best not to question it, from 5 minutes ago*
S. Meepel: ¡Te he encontrado! ¡Ven conmigo si quieres vivir!
Prisoner #1: Uhh...what?
Prisoner #2: How did you get in here without being noticed?
Prisoner #3: ...I don’t think she did…*points to a pile of corpses and destroyed magitek behind her*
Imperial Guy #1: THERE SHE IS! The one who killed all our important guys!
Imperial Guy #2: Yes! Let’s get her!
Imperial Guy #3: The odds may be stacked against us, but she’s clearly fatigued and-...
*Samurai effortlessly takes down the three of them without even so much as unsheathing her blade*
Prisoner #1: ...ok, yeah, I’m not arguing with her, let’s go!
*echo ends*

P. Meepel: …you did all that while we were shooting the tranquilizer...impressive…
Yugiri: But...you were here the entire time...I don’t even…
R. Meepel: Samurai’s like totally awesome like that!  I swear sometimes she’s in 3 places at once, it’s waaaay cool!
Yugiri: This almost seems too good to be true...but I won’t argue with how this went.
Prisoner #4: Oh god! I just remembered something!
P. Meepel: What is it?
Prisoner #4: They said Zenos is coming to inspect us! EVERYONE IN YANXIA iS GOING TO DIE!
P. Meepel: …
D. Meepel: …
S. Meepel: …
R. Meepel: …
Yugiri: …
W. Meepel: …
Prisoner #4: Should I have mentioned that sooner?
Everyone: YES!!!!


*back at the resistance camp*
Alisaie: So...Zenos is coming and he’s going to be pissed.  We should probably plan an escape route and way to save the town.
Yugiri: No! I must avenge my fallen comrades! He killed many of them!
P. Meepel: I concur.  I want another shot at him, cheating bastard…
Gosetsu: Nay, dear Shadowwalker and Warrior of Light!  You know you don’t stand a chance.
P. Meepel: I eat Primals for breakfast, he got lucky, I can take him!
D. Meepel: Yes, such an evil warrior cannot go unharmed!  LET US GET READY FOR THE REMATCH!
Alisaie: No! I forbid it! Stay here!  You know there isn’t anyone who can take on Zenos 1 on 1…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

*scene shift to Zenos*
Zenos: Ah the smell blood and the battlefield...WHY ISN’T BETTER!? Damn it, I’ve already grown bored of that too? *sigh*
*Asher appears completely naked in front of Zenos*
Asher: AHA! Lord Garlean Imperial Scum, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A CONTEST OF MANLINESS!
Zenos: ...you’re joking…
Asher: Nonsense! You will be forced to face...MY FOOT ABS!
Zenos: …
Susano: Aha! My rival REVELS in the battlefield! Let us continue our battle once and for all!
*Susano engages in battle with Asher*
Zenos: ...I’m just going to ignore that…

*back at base where things matter*
Alisaie: So...we’re staying here tonight to figure out a plan. No one is to leave, NO ONE!
Lyse: It’s going to be hard...but I think I’ll manage…
*later that night*
Yugiri: We’re totally going into town to intercept Zenos, right?
P. Meepel: Took the words right out of my mouth!
*at the village*
Zenos: Ok, you worthless scum, you have two options.  Fight me and die, or I slaughter all of you!
Imperial Mook: Sir, there isn’t anyone who can hear you…
Zenos: Damn it, don’t ruin the moment!
Yugiri: Wait! Legatus Zenos, don’t think you can get away with the murder of my Doman brethren so easily!
Zenos: Ah...do I know you?
Yugiri: I am Yugiri Mistwalker of Doma...well, actually...I’m from the Ruby Sea but that’s an aside!  I am also known as the Shadowwalker, I challenge you!
P. Meepel: Yeah, and I’m here too...you know...still angry at that cheapshot you took back at Rhalgr’s Reach...she kind of took the dramatic entrance from me…
Zenos: ...ok, I will accept a fight from the Warrior of Light, that is intriguing!
Yugiri: What about me!?
Zenos: You can do with my UNENDING WAVE OF USELESS DRONES!
Useless Imperial Drone: Yes sir! Men! To arms! Be prepared to throw your life away ad nauseum because that is exactly what we’re doing!
Yugiri: ...really? That’s your best?
Zenos: I never said it was my best, but I do need company from time to time…
Yugiri: ...fair I suppose…
*Yugiri fights off wave of unending imperials as Meepel and Zenos fight*
P. Meepel: Ok, now I know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…
D. Meepel: So does that mean we’re insane here, sister?  We aren’t that much stronger than before!
S. Meepel: Me permitirá.
Zenos: What’s this? A new opponent? I am intrigued! To battle!
*Samurai Meepel and Zenos get into a big epic Advent Children style fight sequence with a few anime flash-steps in the mix*
S. Meepel: *wheeze pant* Usted esta muy fuerte…
Zenos: I have to admit, you put up a much better fight than last time...but enough of this…
W. Meepel: He going to cheat again…
R. Meepel: Like...this is so unfair!
Zenos: Don’t feel bad, you actually made me use all my swords! Take this parting gift!
*Zenos uses cheap bullshit plot one shot move to knock Meepel out*
Zenos: Now give me one good reason to not kill you…

Alvin: So I decided I’m going to be a jerk and end it here.  You guys didn’t pay me enough to go on further…
Narrator: Well, I guess this is a cliffhanger...but yeah, you are a jerk.
Alvin: Yes...I just admitted to that...

39

General Chat / Re: What Games are You Playing 2018?

« on: March 09, 2018, 06:28:18 AM »

FF15 Comrades:  Decided to finally get this now that I learned there's plot and it ties in with the Royal Pack's updates.

I originally was making Meepel's Cousin Darosel (anagram of "Lard" and "Eos"...yeah that's basically how I name all my characters these days), turns out the end result was...just Meepel in her Samurai outfit...which in turn works beautifully if you've been paying attention to Stormblood Abridged and know the story behind her!

Anyway, it seems mostly grindy for progression but I think what I appreciate the most is just the world building it does.  FF15 just kind of going "Ok, TIME SKIP!" after a point and us seeing only the after-math worked for a shock value but little else.  It's nice to actually see some of the stuff referenced in Chapter 14 as well as some of the lead up.  There's a certain kind of disturbing feeling you get going to areas you were visiting throughout, but now with a Post-Apocalyptic Doomsday filter on it.  It honestly feels like this is sort of what FF6's World of Ruin might look like if it ever got updated appropriate given where FF15's final chapter chapter takes place and how FF15's ending clearly wanted to take elements of FF6's "A World Reborn" feel in the final shots, using similar visuals with the rising sun over various parts of the world, seemingly restored.


Azure Striker Gunvolt: Reached the halfway point, so 3 bosses dead.  Game is actually a decent Mega Man clone thus far, with it's own identity on top of that.  I'd play more of it but things keep getting in the way because I'm stupid.

40

General Chat / Re: Record Keeping Final Fantasy Record Keeper

« on: March 09, 2018, 06:21:32 AM »

While Djinn continues to pine about Super Square-enix Bros Orgy XIII Versus Fabula Nova Eternum 314/2.3 Weeks Re:Nier'd Starring Tetsuya Nomura, I'll just mention my last few pulls of note!

Kingdom Hearts:  2/11 on Half Price.  Riku's Glint and his BSB.  I'll take it.

FF8 Banner 2: 1/11, Selphie's BSB2.  I wanted an FF8 Medica, and I finally got one, now I have a medica in every realm (...though I probably should consider upgrading my FF7 Medica from Aerith's SSB...though I do have Clear Tranquil at least...)

Dungeon Lucky: 1/11, Kimhari's BSB.  It's new but god damn do I feel like I've been cheated...

FF9-1: 100 Gem'd Beatrix's USB.  WHAT. THE. FUCK?

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Discussion / Re: DLC2018 or whatever

« on: March 04, 2018, 04:22:16 AM »

I'm projecting August 9th to 12th or there abouts.  Just giving us a date to work with and we can adjust accordingly, but I figure I'd take the first steps and say "Here's a date, who does that work for?" rather than people dancing around the issue.

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General Chat / Re: Record Keeping Final Fantasy Record Keeper

« on: February 07, 2018, 01:28:40 AM »

Dissidia VIllain's Banner: 5/11. 

-Ex-death SSB2 (meh, +Dark staff I don't need at all and Soul Break is easily replace-able)
-Gabranth SSB (+Dark Helmet, that's actually kind of alright)
-CoD BSB2 (Ok, this is really cool)
-Garland CSB x2 (OH HELL YES!!)

Didn't get a Kefka relic like I wanted, but I really can't complain about the above.

Realm Lucky: 2/11.  Another Fusion Sword (...didn't even notice FF7 was on it -_-), and Locke's Ultra (Ok, THIS is pretty awesome.)

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Discussion / Re: DLC2018 or whatever

« on: January 23, 2018, 10:48:25 PM »

Based on quickly talking to Snowfire, the quick pros and cons of the two options are...

NYC will be more expensive, but it's right by NYC and probably more convenient location wise across the board in a number of ways.  Even disregarding "It's NYC", it's a closer location to both of us, and closer to relevant airports, etc.

The Shore is basically the opposite, but also by the Ocean, instead of NYC, which depending on who you are, may be more appealing.

Snowfire, feel free to flesh out that list in whatever way you see fit.  This is just a quick overview of the two options.

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Discussion / Re: DLC2018 or whatever

« on: January 23, 2018, 02:53:48 AM »

So discussing with Snowfire, the two of us are willing to host something in this area.  Two options come up:

-Rent a house in the NYC Suburbs and have a DLCon near NYC.  It's NYC, it sells itself, I don't have to justify why this is a worthwhile place to go.
-Do something similar in the Jersey Shore area, for a change of pace from a usual DLCon in Jersey.

So...before we make any decisions, we think it'd be wise to gauge interest first.

45

Discussion / Re: DLC2018 or whatever

« on: January 21, 2018, 01:08:41 PM »

I think relocating might be the best idea if Tide's not up to it.  We COULD try a distant organization for Toronto Con, but the question is how many people are up for it?

The real question is, before we pick an area, is who is willing to run it?  Hmm...wonder if there's a rentable house near the Jersey shore, that could be an option.  Just shooting ideas into the wind. 

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General Chat / Re: What Games are You Playing 2018?

« on: January 20, 2018, 11:11:20 PM »

Dissidia Beta: It's fun but I'd like stabler online and actual single player content that doesn't involve REALLY BAD LOW LEVEL AI PARTNRES WHAT THE HELL SHANTOTTO HOW DID YOU GET KILLED BY THAT!?

Dragon Ball FighterZ: It's fun but I'd like stabler online and actual single player content that isn't just a boring training mode so I could actually learn my GOD DAMN CHARACTERS SOME!

Pokemon Ultra Moon: In the Desert, trying to find a Gabite via an SOS Fight because apparently that's the only way to get them.  If I fail, I'll stick with Goodra instead, since Garchomp and Goodra are really the only two Dragonites that are feasible to get in the main game due to shear levels.

Also Totem Togedemaru was far more competent than it had any right to be.

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Discussion / Re: DLC2018 or whatever

« on: January 20, 2018, 11:06:35 PM »

so...we really need to make some headway on con details.  We need to make decisions, fast, so people can start making plans.

Where are we having it? Who is hosting it?  When are we having it?  These are details we should really hammer down as soon as possible.  We've made no progress in the past few months and that's absolutely not a good thing.

I might be coming down harsh but we need to make SOME kind of action.  Djinn is right in that con-planning doesn't seem to be progressing and we need to fix that.

48

General Chat / Re: Record Keeping Final Fantasy Record Keeper

« on: January 17, 2018, 03:19:51 AM »

Realm Lucky got me Rafa's USB, and a dupe Shantotto SSB.  I am ok with this.

Did a birthday pull on the FF6 banner last minute for waifu BSB2, got ANOTHER Mog BSB, Locke's BSB2 and Celes' LMR.  Could be worse.

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General Chat / Re: Record Keeping Final Fantasy Record Keeper

« on: January 06, 2018, 06:16:50 AM »

Did a pull on Banner 5.  Got WoL's CSB, 2 Marche USBs, and Golbez's BSB.  I am ok with this!

Also pulled for Terra's BSB2, got my 3rd Asura's Rod and a worthless chocobo Brush.  Well, I got a reforged Rod, I suppose, and another Rosetta Stone.  I'll hold off the mythril pulling until another banner for the waifu pulls; this banner is not worth throwing a crap ton of mythril just for +10 Magic.

50

General Chat / Re: Record Keeping Final Fantasy Record Keeper

« on: December 31, 2017, 05:58:10 PM »

I kind of want to pull on Banner 3 but I have 4 dupes (Tidus Chain, Fujin/Alph/Edge BSBs), making me "errr..." on the idea. 

I did, on bright side, 100 Gem Basch's BSB.