The RPG Duelling League
Social Forums => General Chat => Topic started by: Cmdr_King on December 31, 2018, 11:41:20 PM
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Last year's topic got next to no chatter, buuuuut I can't help but feel this should still be an annual topic so I'm making it.
Ohayou! Technically January 1st here, but it is in several time zones that can see this board so close enough.
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So actually I started the topic because I got the itch to do the thing. What was your 2018, CK?! Well.
- Started the year with a significant dip in depressive status including edging into suicidal ideation
- Mom's father died, the attendant emotional prod causing an intense if temporary alleviation of depression
- Works sucks (I know)
- Repeat step 1
- Cracked the fucking egg
- Attendant immediate alleviation of depressive symptoms.
- Which has continued to this day which almost scares me in a way.
- Did actual touristy stuff at DLCon in an actual major city and I dunno why that seems important in comparison but it does.
And it's... weird as shit because that is objectively massive but also an outside observer (read: someone without access to the private DL board or a follower on Twitter) would think I didn't do shit except go on a cool, actually touristy vacation this year. And in some ways I kinda feel like I didn't despite like... feeling like I want to have a future for the first time I can remember? Brains are weird.
The actual trick I think is there's a lot of stuff I know I need to get to work on (drafting a sustainable exercise plan, seeking out appropriate therapists, face lasers, going to another state where immediate family isn't a factor) and I didn't do any of that. So not doing that makes it feel like I'm not doing anything. And like... that's okay! Just y'know it's something you have to consciously remind yourself of, that reorienting your view of yourself and what life can look like is something it's okay to take time with.
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I've gotten a lot more outwardly chill as I've gotten older, and especially after having a kid. It's not that I'm any more calm or existentially secure -- pretty much the opposite -- just that I've turned it inwards since I am keenly aware that no one else gives a shit and it makes you look ten times cooler if you pretend to have everything together.
I of course have none of my shit together and fret incessantly, something which Andrew is keenly aware of. I'd like to stop doing that but it's kind of my thing and no amount of therapy or drugs has yet been successful at shaking me free of that survival instinct. I get it from my mom. (I distressingly recognize too much of myself in her which is ridiculous because my whole life no one would ever have doubted that I was her daughter and the resemblance was uncanny growing up. Why not mentally, too?)
Anyway, that's a long way to saying I am not bothering with resolutions or anything because I accept that I'm shit at keeping them and making them only causes me more anxiety because of the pressure to meet them (and in response to the inevitable failure to keep them).
But I am taking steps to be more conscientious of my relationships in the form of acknowledgments. I want to send cards for occasions, buy gifts for anniversaries and birthdays and holidays, and otherwise directly express my appreciation for the people in my life so that I can continue to keep them there, and maybe quiet that shrieking voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm running on thin ice because people only tolerate me for the things that I can give them and that's why there are so few people still around.
Still going to therapy because in order to accomplish the above I've needed to write myself a whole new journal that has specially designed pages to cover the months of the year, the year on a weekly basis, lists of birthdays in order, backdated entries telling me what the mailing deadlines are to reach those birthdays, gift lists and ideas for everyone, backdated entries telling me what the ordering deadline is to meet the mailing deadline to reach those birthdays, a place to list all the books I finish reading even though I know I haven't finished more than 20 books in the past year... and also piled up a shitton of anxiety for 2019 in advance thanks to having already failed to create 90% of that journal I've planned out in order to keep myself "sane."
Fucking bang on entry into 2019. 10/10 for sticking the landing, Ashley. Nothing if not consistent in this event.
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Life is pretty good. Changing jobs has been such a relief, especially because I work in the same building as the old one and can see the horror show from a safe distance now.
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Bleh. I should probably do something vacation this summer. Allowing that it’s awfully late to have that thought.
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Married in a week. My co workers have been asking me if I'm stressed; I keep replying no. Been juggling so much this year that something as small as a wedding ceremony isn't in the top three things I've had to pull off.
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I was wondering.
Does Super knows about this?
https://brigandine.happinet-games.com/?lang=en
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He does indeed, and if he ever gets back from his honeymoon I'm sure he'll have something to say about it
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I've seen it and am excited. I haven't even gone on my honeymoon yet; I have been doing paperwork for the next step in the visa process for my wife and getting ready to purge the roommates at the end of the month.
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I'm going to China for 9 days in November, for work but also since my work is in travel it's a 'vacation.' I'm more apprehensive about this trip than any of the others I've taken and it has nothing to do with language barriers and everything to do with cultural ones. But hey, I get to see pandas! And Zhangjiajie! And a condiment factory!
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I considered giving my testimonial about intentionally not celebrating my last birthday. It would show off mostly my self-destructive side, which is hardly the whole picture of the person. So what would be the point?
Now that the gloominess of the day has moved on and I have a bit more perspective, I can acknowledge some experiences in my life that are good. The last birthday just wasn't one of them.
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2019 is nearly over.
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Strange to think about.
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I think like half the current staff at my department is going to have quit by the end of the month.
Pondering how long I'm willing to put up with the resulting hellstorm of my schedule. Right now thinking they have about two weeks to fix that shit.
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I leave for China on Saturday and I have a hard time really believing this. But I'm also super stressed because one third of my department left last week (which was 1 person) and that plus my impending departure equals GODDAMNIT IT'S ALMOST 2020 ALREADY HOW IS THIS GETTING DONE.
My birthday was yesterday and I realized, maybe for the first time, I actually do like celebrating my birthday but I just never had the confidence in myself to ask for that recognition from others. (For the record, my birthday was just fine. But I kind of want to CELEBRATE it instead of just having a pleasant day about it.)
I also doubled my daily dosage of Adderall as an experiment. It's still a small dose on the grander scale of dosages, but it's a big enough leap that I'll have to talk to my prescribing doctor about changing the Rx. I do fine by it because I only take it Monday through Friday so my prescription already lasts longer than the prescription period, but if I were to do this dosage Monday through Friday it wouldn't last. I don't like my pdoc and avoid talking to him at all costs, but I also don't want to switch because this one's at least pretty hands off. I just dread having to have an appointment.
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Getting packed for a weekend away trip (family member wedding). I don't know how people stay sane with gigantic wedding. Make a decision and go with it, don't spend years and tens of thousands of dollars planning something.
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Party planning is fun. I prefer the planning & execution to the actual having of the party. See: my senior year of high school, end of year, drama club party; I was president, I was getting a drama society award, we were having a party, and even during the party I was arranging the chips and drinks and making sure the A/V was working rather than, like, eating or drinking or watching the movies.
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I went to China and returned again! I even brought my Adderall and no one asked about it. I have yet to talk to my pdoc about changing the prescription, but I think I can still manage to run with what I'm given. Every 30 days I get 9 pills. If I take 4 every week day, I'd need 80 pills. So the only real change is that I'll be requesting a refill every 4-5 weeks instead of every 6. But the prescription allows for every 4 weeks. So... non-crisis, for now!
I got to feed a panda in China. I walked up so many goddamn stairs I plan to use the elevators or escalators only for the rest of 2019. I ate SO MUCH FOOD because they gave us banquet meals for lunch and dinner every day. I got dehydrated and learned what it's like to try vomiting in a traditional Chinese toilet (spoiler: don't do it). I spent 16 hours in United economy seating and neither died nor caused anyone else to die. I got told I had the highest spicy tolerance of anyone else in my group - Sichuan spice murdered me, but everything else was a pleasant burn. As someone who doesn't Do Spicy at home, this was amusing as hell.
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Re parties: I literally planned my wedding ceremony the day before and the day of. I'm not a planner.
That China trip sounded fun. And hey, you got to live the bachelor(ess) lifestyle for a bit of time again, which is always interesting.
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That China trip sounded fun. And hey, you got to live the bachelor(ess) lifestyle for a bit of time again, which is always interesting.
My standards have dropped dramatically. A six-hour train ride in coach was so nice because I got to listen to music and nap and talk to adults with no interruptions!
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christ almighty 2019 is almost over.
this marks the first full calendar year at my new job and honestly i've done a lot and i've been much happier. i became the lead dev of one of our major projects which is going to be a pretty big ribbon once the initial beta development is cleaned up. i also helped develop this thing (https://github.com/EOSIO/eosio-explorer) which is now public and available as FOSS (in before hurr durr blockchain)
oh and also it's been 6 months since the protests here began and broke out! police are still trying to crack down on protestors! yay!
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Re parties: I literally planned my wedding ceremony the day before and the day of. I'm not a planner.
We set up the site the morning of, but you definitely did the critical planning with at least a little bit more time spare!
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The actual ceremony I adjusted on the fly. It worked out, but no one is ever going to accuse me of being a Xanatos level schemer with plans upon plans available at any given point.