Alright, this is what you guys think it is. I'm going to do a separate XS3 abridged series along with my in-topic comments. This one will hopefully be far more complete than the comments in WGAYP, since WGAYP are the immediate spur of the moment trolls, but there will be some overlap, of course, because I'm lazy and why not. This may take a while, sadly, and it'll definitely mean I'll play through XS3 slower (OHNOES), but I hope it'll be memorable. I have a lot of fun snarking on it so far, so may as well pick up the logical extension. This starting post will cover my first post, which covers the prologue. C1 will come later, probably tomorrow.
So, without much ado... I present you...
XENOSAGA 3 ABRIDGED - Where Trolling Tropes Go To Die.<Narration> I'd like to rip off Star Wars here, but even the new trilogy is a bit too dignified for this. So just enjoy a bunch of cutscenes that make no sense and three Power Rangers joining the Wicca.
<Testaments> KNIGHTS THAT SAY NI!!! wait a minute, no, this is about HOW WE WERE RAVENMOON AND STARBRIGHT OWL BEING BURNT AT THE STAKE IN SALEM WE'RE SOOOOOOOO COOL
*Cue in to a really nonsensical place where a bunch of explosions are happening.*
<Shion> THIS. IS. THE INTERNETS! We're gonna save them intartubes just like in Mega Man Battle Network!
<Miyuki> Woohoo! I suck so hard I have like half of Shion's stats! Ooooh, this jumpsuit makes me look all curvy!
<Shion> Yeah you keep on dreaming.
<Miyuki>
<Canaan> God, I aged like seven-hundred years and a half in twelve months. I really should stop with the crack.
<Doctus> Yeah tell me how long would you last in this without something to strip you of your dignity.
<Canaan> You have a point.
<Doctus> Of course I do. Now hurry up and enter the Intarwebs,
MOMO Virgil food hookerbot Realian... no.
HookerbotMOMOfood Tin Man.
<Canaan> You're a bitch.
<Miyuki> Shion, why is this part so short?
<Shion> Snow's a really lazy bastard and skipped this first dungeon plot because he watched it like a year ago.
* Miyuki NODS.*INSIDE THE INTERNETS.*
<Miyuki> Ooooh, this is really pretty! The gameplay sucks, though.
<Shion> Just the gameplay? Man, those randoms get wedgies from Shadow Hearts 2 randoms on recess.
<Miyuki> Why are they so bad?
<Shion> You see, they needed to realocate resources to spend more money on KOS-MOS cleavage shots in cutscenes, so we took a bunch of Grandia 1 difficulty designers who were scampering around the trash bin in Monolith Studios...
<Miyuki> That's so smart! I bet KOS-MOS's chestnuts look really good!
<Shion> ... jesus you creep me out.
*Inside the deep internets...*
<Miyuki> The internet is made of cats, the internet is made of cats~
<Shion> God kills a kitten every time you masturbate, you know.
*UKELELE TWANG.*
<Miyuki> ;__________________;
<Canaan> STOP TALKING SHADOW HEARTS RANDOMS ARE COMING AND THEY WANT OUR FLESH!
<Miyuki> Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I don't want to kill seven kittens a daaaaaaaaaaaaay ;_;
*BOSS FIGHTO~*
<Sigdrifa> RARR I AM SO THREATENING I GET BROKEN BY SHION SPECIAL+MIYUKI AND DROP MIGHTY 10HKO MT DAMAGE
<Hello-DojimathedralWaddleDee> lol. *Smash.*
<Sigdrifa> GLORY TO AIRYGLYAAAAAAAAAARGH
<Shion> That was sad. Now let's scram.
<Miyuki> I GET INSIDE THE MECH UPSIDE DOWN HURR HURR I'M SO FUNNAY
<Doctus> ... you seriously had to deal with those broads since the last game,
lolibot Tin Man?
<Canaan> I -swear- they weren't this bad then. Also, my name is not Tin Man!
<Doctus> I know. I just think your name sucks.
<Canaan>
*EXPLOSIONS AND SHINY~*
<Shion> AAAAAAAAAAAH IT'S A RANDOM LOLI ELLY OUT OF NOWHERE DO NOT WANT DISENGAGE INTERNETS
*FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM*
<Narration> And now, for something completely different!
<Shion> Ahhhhhhhhh, the beach, the sun, the spiderwoman bikini crawling up my ass. This is so perfect and well-placed and completely not creepy fanservice at all!
<XS3Writers> FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANSERVICE
* Japan faps over Shion in a spiderwoman bikini.
<Miyuki> RARR RANDOM MIYUKI OUT OF NOWHERE
<Shion> I hate you.
<Miyuki> Hey Shion, everything went all right!
<Shion> Kinda, yeah.
<Miyuki> Sooooooooooooooooooo...
<Shion> Sooooooooooooooooooo?
<Miyuki> Do I still suck?
<Shion> You still suck. Now go do my math homework while I blow up coconuts for cheap drugs.
<Miyuki> ;_;
*E-mail.*
<Allen> Hi, I'm emailing you to tell that the military took KOS-MOS to open a new niche stripclub and they're putting a strap-on dildo on her forehead. Also I miss you and I want to see you naked and OHGOD WHY AM I FORCED TO BE IN LOVE WITH THE WORST JERKASS SUE EVER JUST LET ME SEE YOUR BARE TITS
* Shion glares. If you really want to lose your job this badly, I know some quality directors who are looking for a romantic interest for Chu-Chu in her new softcore porn direct-for-DVD movie, you know. I'm pretty sure you'd look great in a pink furry suit and ice skates.<Allen> Y-y-y-you are... the... greatestest person *Twitch.* e-e-ever, Chi-chief! You a-a-a-a-re tota-ta-tally our Fl... *Twitch.* our f... *BURNING TWITCH.* ...Flower of... of... the First Division!
<Shion> B+ for effort. You may live.
<Allen> So, do I get to see some jiggle?
<Shion> Fuck no.
<Allen> Dammit! *Turns off.*
<Shion> Welp, time for a conspicuously placed flashback where I get one-upped by someone more irritatingly beloved than I am for no discernible reason other than the script saying so!
<Game> *LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGA-* Wait a minute, that would be awesome. Nonono we just get a dry cut to the scene without any mention of it being a flashback! Hooray, saved pennies for longer discretion pantyshots on hookerbot!
<Shion> oooooh it's so hard to be a jerk sue
<Kevin> RARR I'M A TWO-BIT LESBIAN FEMINIST HIDING BEHIND MY TWO-FOLD SEXISM TO PRETEND I'M NOT A ROBOPHILE
<Shion> On the other hand, he probably does the jerk sue schtick better than I do.
<Kevin> Wait did I say that out loud? I-I mean... KOS-MOS must have a female shape because only female healers make it to Heavy in the DL!
<Shion> You know, Artea is one of Heavy's best healers and he's a guy...
<Kevin> ONLY FEMALE HEALERS GO TO HEAVY
<Shion> ... I have no words. Let's just start over and pretend this never happened, okay?
<Kevin> Sure! Let's talk about how I'm so great for making KOS-MOS!
<Shion> Works. Anyhow, Kevin, are you trying to be like Jesus and save everyone with KOS-MOS?
<Kevin> No, not just that. I mean, I -want- to be Jesus too, but I actually just wanted to know how sleazy sex with a biblical prostitute was like at first. Honestly, I still do.
* Kevin licks lips.<Shion> ... god now I know how Allen feels.
*SUBTLE CUE AWAY FROM THIS SCENE.*
<RedTestament> This scene is supposed to be totally cryptic and enigmatic, but it's actually just a very extended your mom joke. It's fun and easy, just like your mom!
<Wilhelm> You were right, your mom emits good wavelength. Twice. From behind.
<RedTestament> We're so awesome, aren't we?
<Wilhelm> Just like your mom in a nightgown.
<RedTestament> Hell yeah!
<NotMiki> You guys totally suck.
<Miyuki> Prologue is over! Do you want to save your game?
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