The night before his match began, TimeLord poured over rules, errata, FAQs, and strategy guides, trying desperately to think of some way to win the coming match. Two Suzakus and a Kraken, then TigerRampage? No... not enough. Timetwister chain? Nope. Boss immunities. Go pick a fight with Blue and let him stand in? Even if the judges allowed it, that'd defeat the whole purpose of winning. At last, the Mystic Lord finally gave up, and laid the last of the books down. There was no way he could win. Of course, if he couldn't win... a cruel gleam began to shine in his eyes. If he couldn't win, the Mystic reasoned, then why try? Why not have a bit of... fun? With that, he set out, looking for a young man who he hoped would find his idea as interesting as he did.
"Ah, I thought I'd find you here. Anyway, I watched that match of yours... I can't imagine a worse draw for you. And that laugh... That was just rude. You must feel terribly annoyed."
"Ah, good. In that case, would you mind doing me a little favor? Not only can I make it worth your while, but I promise, if you do, I'll wipe that smug grin off of his face for you."
"Oh, it's simple, really. Down in Fascinaturu, there's a rather annoying green Mystic who keeps selling people keys to my realm. I need you to kill him for me."
"Oh, don't be upset. He's a bastard anyway. He takes payment in human flesh. Nobody will miss him."
"Why? Well, he is selling keys to my home... And let's just say that I don't want any uninvited guests for a LONG time. So, do we have a deal?"
"A pleasure doing business with you."
Everyone knew that something was amiss when the papers the next day mentioned that Gozarus, a Mystic shopkeeper, had apparently been murdered by a very large dragon. They definately knew something was about to go terribly, terribly wrong when TimeLord entered the arena wearing a Backpack, a smirk on his face. However, after a warning from the judges that any item use would result in an instant disqualification, the match began without any further delay. Ghaleon simply waited for his opponent to use his one and only Overdrive spell, knowing full well that nothing that TimeLord did could defeat him before the Mystic's spell ended. Unfortunately, he hadn't considered the possibility that his foe knew that too...
When cast by Blue, Overdrive gives him eight turns to act however he wishes before the effect ends, robbing him of any further combat ability. In a strange twist, the creator of the spell has a mere seven. This, however, turned out to be all that TimeLord needed. As the pillar of energy signalling that time itself had just been flipped on its axis flared in the background, TimeLord pulled out a list detailing exactly how he was going to spend each of the seven rounds before the powerful energies reached their limit, and the Universe restarted.
1) Dress - a nice, frilly pink one.
2) Face - Blush, lipstick, and eyeshadow should do it.
3) Hair. Dyed blonde, if time permits. No matter what, make sure to do the pigtails.
4) Stereo - Fully set up, one speaker in each of the thirty-two points on the compass.
5) Sign - "I'm a pretty pretty princess." Painted in silver glitter. Place in swordarm for maximum effect.
6) Cameras - One to each and every member of the audience. Video cameras to the Godlikes.
7) Run. Run very fast. Do not stop running until I reach Virgil. Call in my favor with him to go home. Break my hourglass. Never look back.
As he read over the list, the Mystic Lord almost giggled to himself. However, he managed to restrain himself, knowing that, if he started, he wouldn't be able to stop until he had wasted at least one of his precious rounds. Besides, there'd be time for real laughter when this was all over. For now, it was time to get to work...
As the seventh round ended, and the universe returned to normal speed, nobody was quite sure what to do. Ghaleon looked around puzzled, wondering exactly where his foe had gone, what those speakers were doing in the arena, and what, exactly, was in his hand. As the Magic Emperor looked over at the offending object, and the members of the audience suddenly realized what they were holding, an almost perfect rendition of Ghaleon's voice burst out over the speakers, uttering the phrase "Not Ghaleon, dear Quark... Magical Girl Ghaleon!", then breaking into what would forever be known as the "Magic Emperor" remix of "I Feel Pretty." A second later, the laughing started. A second after that, the carnage began.
About a week later, Ghaleon was having an incredibly bad day. While, technically, he had won his battle with TimeLord, and did have the dubious honor of requiring about half of Godlike to take him down after he had gone berserk, the complete and utter humiliation made him wish he had just forfeitted the second he saw the smiling Mystic with his backpack. He'd never be able to destroy all of the pictures, let alone the videos now floating around the internet, and that bastard had hidden himself away and locked the gates behind him. The entire damn League was laughing at him behind his back, save for his Employer, whose disturbing multi-voiced laughter was constantly echoing all around him instead. At least, the Magic Emperor mused to himself as he surfed through the internet, hunting down as many of the servers carrying images from the ordeal as he could, this was probably about as bad as it could get. That was when he noticed the announcement as to the premier of a brand new anime - "Magical Girl Ghaleon."
In case you were wondering, the bodies never were found.
"So, just to be clear. The girl I'm fighting is cute, young, and could have cut Orlandu in half." Yuri said.
"Yes." Alice said.
"And nearly killed Kefka." Keith added.
"And I'm getting 5-2 odds against Ghaleon for her." Zhuzhen said helpfully.
"Wait, they're taking bets on that match already?"
"They figure you're just a roadblock."
"...okay, any thoughts on what I can actually do here? Everyone seems to think she kills me before I can do anything more than hurt her."
"That's because you can't, though, Yuri...." Alice said.
"You too?" Yuri groaned. "Hell. Well, if all I can do is hurt her, I might as well not show up, then. I don't like losing limbs. Inconvenient." Yuri said, now very annoyed with his "helpful" friends.
"You know, she's in the same arena Rebecca and Katt's match was held in." Zhuzhen said thoughtfully. "Anyone here remember that?"
"No." "No." "HELL YES." "Wait, Yuri, you remember it?" "Of course, Alice, I'd never forget a stunning specta....erm, a...major....breaking of the rules like that?"
"Yes, well. The point is, the mechanism's still in place. The judges couldn't actually figure out how to remove it, anyhow. Those Cids Haschel got in on the project know how to build....anyhow.
Point is, I have an idea on how to expand on it, given a little time. And it doesn't hurt that I had a talk with Timelord over some drinks last night, and know what he's planning for Ghaleon."
"What's he planning?" Keith asked. "Oh, you'll see, my friend. Anyhow, with your permission, Yuri, I'm going to do something that will get you disqualified and possibly get several powerful Godlikes wanting to kill you."
"Oh, sure, why the hell not." Yuri said with a smile. "It'll probably be worth it..."
*Two days later.*
"Why is that pervert keeping me waiting, anyhow?" A cross Piastol said. "Stalling for time before I cut off his arms enough times to wear him out? It's been 15 minutes already...oh, there he finally is." She said, as Yuri came into the arena.
"Hey, it's not nice to call people perverts, miss." Yuri called out.
"And it's not nice to keep me waiting. Now let's get on with it, I want to fight people that actually matter."
"Oh, you will. Very shortly." Yuri said, pulling a large remote control from one of his pockets, consisting entirely of a large red button, and a larger blue button.
"What's that?" "This." Yuri said, smacking the red button...
...and dumping Piastol into a shallow mud pit.
"...ARGH. You....this is....is....I'm going to rip you in half!" A irate, and very, very muddy Piastol shrieked.
"No, that's what the other button's for." He said, watching Piastol desperately struggle to reach him. Just as she came within scythe's reach, he pressed the blue button...
...dumping the entire works down a rather large metal chute.
"Say, Zhuzhen, where the hell does that go, anyhow?" Yuri called out to a person standing near the entrance to the arena.
"Arena 15, one of the lower level ones. Where Ghaleon vs Timelord is going on. I hope the timing went off right...."
"Ahhhhhhh-OOF!" Piastol, in the most undignified state she had ever been in, screamed, as the chute dumped her into another arena...along with several thousand gallons of sticky mud.
"What...get off me!" A deep voice said from under her.
"Who....I don't recognize you, girl, who are you?"
"Girl? I'm the Magic Emperor Ghaleon!"
"Please, Ghaleon wouldn't wear a pink frilly dress." Piastol said, snickering. "Besides, you're sitting on....you....broke....my scythe?"
"Get. Off. Me. Right. Now." Ghaleon said, attempting to shove Piastol off...with the mixed success of landing face first in mud in the process.
"GAH! I'm going to beat you to a pulp!" Both Ghaleon and Piastol said simultaniously.
And so began one of the least dignified battles in the duelling league history, a mud wrestling match between Ghaleon and Piastol.
And it just went down hill from there....
Yuri Volte Hyuga: 15
In the end, good always triumphs over evil, even at the level of gods.
Billy calls upon his goddess, then delievers a very quick and brutal beating to the goddess of death.
"So, are you adverse to getting disqualified, Momo?" Rei said, walking in the door to her room. "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong? I will tell you what's wrong. I have been up 26 hours, figuring this match every way I can. So far, the only way I've figured out to beat someone that can null magic, resist physicals and nearly kill me with one blow is to make them listen to bad rap music, and I somehow doubt that's legal. What's wrong is that I'm screwed, Rei, and I don't like it." Momo said, looking very tired and ragged.
"...well, doesn't that beat all. I thought you didn't care that much about winning." "I didn't, initially, but I managed to get this far in Heavy after my Middle run, and...." "And you don't want it to end. And you wanted to be the second double champion. Well, it was a nice run, anyhow." Rei said.
"But....oh, I guess you're right." Momo said, slumping defeatedly.
"Now, listen. Do you want to make Valvalis pay for ending the run?"
"Right now, more than anything else, I think." Momo said, somewhat surprised at the vehemence of her own words.
"Then, listen. I was just out with Zhuzhen for a few drinks, and I got him to cut me in on a little plan he's making. Well, if I finance the added work.
On a related note, if someone with the Gold Isle Police Department comes by, you haven't seen me. They seem to get offended when people people pry up bricks...."
*One day later.*
"So, the little bunny girl has finally showed up." Valvalis said, smiling. "Do you have any last words before we begin?"
"No, not really." Momo said. "Do you?"
"Heheh...hahahahaha. Well, you make a good joke, little girl. Anyhow, let's get on with it."
"Certainly." Momo said, pulling out a large remote controller, studded with four buttons; yellow, green, orange and purple.
"What's that for?" "You." "No, what does it do?"
"Well, I'm not sure, Rei just said to push the yellow button..." Momo said, frowning.
Shruging, she tapped the button....dumping Valvalis into a large mud pit.
"...that was his plan?" Momo said, oblivious to the shrieks and death threats of Valvalis. "Wait, he said to press the green one right after."
"I'll tear you in haaaaallllllllllfffffff-" The call came, as Valvalis went sliding down a metal chute.
"Say, where does that go, Rei?" "Come with me and you'll see."
*5 minutes later.*
"You whore!" Piastol said, slugging Ghaleon in the face.
"Whore? Who are you calling a whore, you little dyke?" Ghaleon said, slugging Piastol.
"Right now, all I want is to crush both of you, and get out of this mud!" Valvalis shrieked, uppercutting Ghaleon.
"Say, what did the other two buttons do, Rei?" Momo asked.
"I...don't know." Rei said.
"Um....hm. I don't think anyone ever said." Zhuzhen said from the seat next to Momo.
"It's a pity I couldn't get a different work team than the ones Haschel hired back for Katt and Rebecca...he refused to tell me the workmen's names, said they feared for their lives. And no one else could figure out how to alter that original pit."
"Well, why not press the buttons and see what happens?" Rei said.
"Sure, why not. Orange button..."
"Hey, wha-ARGH!" Edge cried out, as he appeared a foot over the mud pit, and landed on the still befrocked Ghaleon.
"....I must wonder just which "Cid"s Haschel got to work out the new pits." Zhuzhen mumbled.
"I'm just glad Rydia's not in the audience, personally." Rei said, looking around at the crowd. "I don't feel like accidentally getting caught in a Megaflare..."
"No, but Orlandu was in the audience... I just saw him leave somewhere, too..." Momo said.
"Well, we still have a little time... what does the purple button do?" "Give it a press." Rei said.
The entire crowd watched, stunned, as a cascade of little white Rabites poured into the mud pit from various chutes.
"....and... I wonder if there...wasn't....a Sid in there..." Zhuzhen said, as the first person to break the silence...
"Well, I can see Rydia coming down the steps, so I suggest we get the hell out of here." Zhuzhen said, rising and offering Momo his arm.
"By all means." Rei said. "Sure, why not." Momo agreed.
As the three walked out, a scream of rage filled the air. A blast of magical energy lanced through one of the walls, filling the stands with frightened Rabites.
"I will destroy you pathetic worms for doing this to me! Stop laughing at me! STOP IT! All of you will DIE!" Ghaleon was heard to scream into the arena, as the three conspirators, grinning broadly, walked out a back exit...
Hate Hate Hate
SHIGEO TAKES A FALL FOR A CERTAIN LADY OUT THERE. DO NOT WORRY MY DEAR, I WILL GO DOWN FOR YOU WHENEVER YOU WANT ME TO, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I DO NOT MIND YOU LOOKING AT OTHER MEN, JUST REMEMBER THAT HE IS MARRIED AND THAT I AM YOUR ONE AND ONLY, ZOAH SAYS HI TO. NOW I CAN FOCUS ON MY OTHER CAREER INSTEAD OF FIGHTING. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT SAILORS ............................... AND FIGHTING.
Nash Latkje: 36
Strago is an old, old man, with a lot of heart and statuses leave you unable to so much as blink.
Guy is a young, young man, who can cut out your heart before you blink.
Strago can inflict deadly, fatal statuses if he gets a turn. Guy just kills you if he gets a turn.
Guy is fast. Strago is not. Guy is alive, well, and victorious after his Killing Edge rips through the old man.
Strago is.. well, not much left of him after that.
Much of the focus this week was not on Godlike, where everyone was bored of seeing Ghaleon crush another opponent, but instead on Light, in particular, the battle between Lucius and Rudo. This was the case for a couple reasons: First, the obvious sexual innuendo; Second, it was shaping up to be a very well-fought battle.
Lucius was, as always, the fantastic dodger of all things fired his way: bullets from Rudo, love letters from both men and women in the audience, and the ocassional tomato from the local feminist organization. Rudo, on the other hand, was his typical wall of steel, standing stalwart against the strongest of blows sent his way.
As is, the battle was basically Lucius bouncing around the arena, taking ocassional potshots, while Rudo constantly fired round after round at him. This went on for a good long hour, until...
Rudo pulled the trigger for his rifle, and heard the one sound no gunner ever wants to hear...
"...Damn..." he muttered to himself.
Lucius took the chance, and charged the now-ammo-less fighter. He reached into his robe to pull out his special magic book with which to end the battle...
Only to find that he had already used it. Indeed, all his books had the tell-tale worn look of being over-chanted.
"...Damn..." he muttered to himself.
The two fighters stared at each other, mouths gaping. Finally, it was the bishop of Elmine that spoke first.
"So...you know what this means, right?"
"...yeah, I do."
"Let's get it over with."
Letting out a primal warcry, the two screamed and ran towards the centre of the arena, and proceeded to engage in a slapping match. Gloved, girlish hand met rough, hunter face; a well-trained palm struck a clean face pampered with Oil of Olay. Yes, this was the most exciting slap-fest the DL had ever seen.
...oh who am I kidding? It was pretty damn sorry to watch, so I'll just spare you the torture and tell you that Lucius won, Rudo became a dancer at Bar Mitzvahs, and Alma Beolvue, despite not being in the match, was hung as a martyr. And all is now well in the world.
Rudolf Steiner: 18
Dark Holy Elf
Sara was very bored, and very tired.
Not exactly common emotions for someone in a fight to the death, probably. But then, it was a fight to the death with a low-offence healer. Not just any low-offence healer, but the White Wizard of Final Fantasy fame, perhaps the most infamous healer of all. The white-robed Light Warrior had long since burned her two castings of Fade, and now the audience was being treated to an endless parade of weak healing spells and weaker defence-boosters. The only remotely interesting events were when the White Wizard saw an opening periodically, and took her hammer and beat it weakly against Sara's large, draconic frame.
Sara herself had nothing interesting to contribute to the fight, however. Her strategy was a simple one, and boiled down to "exhale deadly vapour on puny cleric. Repeatedly". Really, a killer throatache was all that was keeping her from falling asleep.
The judges were even less enthralled by the spectacle. It probably didn't help that one of three for this match was Juan, who had long since fallen asleep. The second, head judge Indalecio, was composed enough to keep a close eye on the fight, but still permitted himself the luxury of wondering what the arena would look like buried under an Unlimited-strength Earthquake. The third judge, Lucca Ashtear, had long since given up on watching the actual fight, and was now running some sort of computer simulation. Then...
"I've done it!" said Lucca, rousing Indalecio and Juan. "I've calculated who will win the match."
"Oh?" asked an irritated Indalecio.
"Yeah. Sara will win the match..."
"Good," muttered Juan. "I need to be back at Budehuc in time for my evening nap,"
"... in approximately seven hours."
"HOW many?" said Juan. "Bah. If we're sure of the result, I don't suppose we can call the match now, can we?"
Indalecio pondered a moment. "No..." he said, finally. "There is something else we could do. It's an obscure right of the judges to invoke this... hasn't been done in years. However, I'm not going to dig up THAT clause without a damn good reason; it comes with far too much baggage. We should do our duty and wait for the match to..." he trailed off.
"... is that..." he winced at a monitor high above the arena. "... GHALEON?" He broke into laughter. "This I have to see in person."
"But," said Lucca. "The match..."
"You know what I said about a damn good reason?" said Indalecio, laughing. "This would be it."
The crowd was murmurring, as they watched the televised chaotic events unfolding around the various arenas. They had almost forgotten about the match they were attending in person when Indalecio rose and made his announcement.
"Your attention, please!" said Indalecio. "For the remainder of this fight, I am permitting the ancient art of RPG Duelling. Both fighters may make use of any demonstrable "plot power" that they possess. That is all,"
A gasp came up from the crowd. They turned to the arena.
Just in time to see White Wizard suddenly turned to stone by one of Sara's spells.
Sara demorphed, and sheepishly accepted another victory. The crowd and even judges seemed to forget about her quickly, being absorbed in other events. Maybe she would have a vaguely normal match in the finals...
White Wizard: 21
And really, if you're going to have that picture and caption, the lesbian orgy button deserves to be... pushed. Pressed. Rubbed even.
Jo ou Ranbu