Brahms is a mighty vampire. He is capable of overkilling anyone with his dreaded Bloody Curse physical attack, and is all but immune to physical attacks himself. Seymour is an all but physically immune magic user who can overkill almost anyone with his dreaded Firaga Quadracast.
…Wait, what’s that? Brahms is a vampire? Last time I checked, the undead were very much flammable. Looks like poor Brahms is being invited to a barbeque, and he’s the “guest of honor”.
Well, after all the horrible draws he‘s gotten, the DL gave Brahms first place in the “Unluckiest Dueler” competition. They even put him on display at the ceremony. An ash-filled urn was put on the pedestal, right up in the #1 position. What Rika did to it was rather embarrassing, but that’s a story for another day.
Starphoenix das Helpoemer
It is an irrefutable fact of warfare that knowing one's opponent is the first step towards victory. Thus, Nate spent much of the week preceeding the match hunting down Ultima Demons to converse with. In doing so, he heard many rumors of the Bloody Angel, none particularly helpful.
So, Nate decided to rig the deck. Using his influence as one of the principle stockholders of the Duelling League, he arranged for the match to be held in Sumaru city. Once there, he started a series of unusual rumors pertaining to Altima.
A few days later, as the match began, those who had studied up on Sumaru were fairly unsurprised when, as soon as Nate entered the arena where Altima was already waiting, she began to sing. At the top of her lungs, she belted out these words; "GO SPEED RACER! GO SPEED RACER! GO SPEED RACER GOOOOO~!" Over and again, she sang, until at last she slumped in exhaustion, giving Nate an easy match.
Who knew an innocent rumor like "Altima is a massive Speed Racer fangirl" could prove so effective?
Nate Nanjo: 40
Hello, Gilgamesh. Welcome to Godlike.
...Goodbye, Gilgamesh. Welcome to Godlike. This is going to be the norm for you here.
A holy man against an unholy demon-like prince. Its the stuff of movies and cheesy TV shows. A story where good triumphs over evil against impossible odds...
Realizing this, Billy went to train by watching said movies and television series. On an $11,000 HD system with state-of-the-art features.
Luca went to "train" by killing random innocent bystanders, tying women to mine-cart tracks, and stealing candy from babies (and then eating the babies while throwing away the candy).
When the day of the match came, Billy was prepared. He came into the arena not with a gun, but a remote control. He pointed it at Luca and hit the stop button. Then Luca charged at Billy, burnt him to a crisp, and made pork chops out of his innards (how he went about doing this is still being debated by DL scientists, but anyway...).
Moral of the story? Don't waste your money on HD systems. Buy bigger guns.
Billy Lee Black: 34
It's tragic, really. Ryu has no protection against Sierra's life stealing attacks. He's also a cute young man.. just the thing she likes.
Looks like Nina'a gonna have to de zombifiy her boyfriend and beat up a boyfriend stealing ho soon.
Percival looked around the arena. On his side of the arena stood Chris Lightfellow, proud and armed to the teeth. Borus stood with her, along with the rest of the Zexen Knights besides for Leo.
Kane looked at Percival with a bit of annoyance, as the knights secured the doors and threw out a very interested Relm.
"Perversion protection." Percival drew his sword, and quickly opened up Kane's arm with a razor sharp slash. "The female perverts were.. ah.. busy earlier."Kane shrugged, and attempted to stab Percival. Why would that matter to m-
Turning around suddenly, Kane saw that no members of the Shining Force were in the stands for him. Only a bunch of rather.. interested.. ladies stood there, taking pictures and muttering about a 'cream' weapon.
Kane took one look at Percival, and shook his sword. "This isn't over, Zexen scum. We'll meet later." Without another word, Kane jumped into the stands and began masscaring the women oogling him.
Percival stood in awe of Kane's feat. It had taken the combined efforts of Katsuya, Fuse, and Aya Brea to put down Kane's rampage. Obviously Kane was in no shape to fight after.
"Somehow, I think that turned out for the best." Percival nodded a thanks to Chris and the others, and walked out, victorious over both Kane and random female perverts.
Sometimes, things change.
Dias was once beaten and humiliated by a Dragoon, so he resolved to fix this problem.
He had trained for this day, and had even gone so far to contract a dark god if needed. In fact, several dark gods.
When the match came, Dias was beaten thoroughly. But he still had that pact, and he wasn't out yet!
So he invoked it.
A crashing bolt rended the sky, and struck Dias's raised sword.
When the dust cleared, a cute little blue haired girl stood with horror in her eyes.
Then, with horror still in her eyes-perhaps even more so-she ran up and hugged Fogel.
Since no one could actually get Dias to admit he'd been changed into an extremely adorable 12 year old girl that randomly hugs people, they reluctantly had to admit that "Dias" had fled the arena.
See? Things change.
Zophar and the Profound Darkness are still laughing their asses off. Sure, laughter's bad for a dark god, but under relatively controlled circumstances, they can indulge in it with only minor, easily rectified by leveling a village, side-effects to their massive evil. You can splurge once and a while and still be the terror of a planet.
Dias Flac: 31
Although you might not know it, Cecilia and Celes are actually friends with one another. So instead of watching Edgar and Jack rip out each other's lungs, they proposed a match to see who could create the best invention.
It looked like Edgar's match. He had the machinery and the know-how to create something really special. And he did: A Chainsaw capable of shooting anchors and arrows AND allows you to take pictures and spray insect repellent all in one.
Jack with less knowledge instead, attached Hanpan to the end of his wire hook, placed Rudy's Radar as a means of a homing device and finally secured one of Cecilia's staves on the other end of the wire.
Sure Edgar's Tool-o-matic 4000 outtrumps Jack's...Ratmace, but the judges believed that Edgar's device was less "creative" since he had merely reused all the tools he previously had. Meanwhile, Jack had went around gathered different materials for his invention. So in the end, they declared him the winner.
Hanpan's still not speaking to Jack. Neither is Cecilia. In other news though, Edgar's been seen on television infomercials. The Tool-o-matic 4000 can be yours now for only 12 easy payments of 5999.99G!
Edgar Roni Figaro: 41
Vivi and Vinsfeld decided to settle their match in a new way; politiking. Whoever swayed the most voters to a proposal of their choice won.
In politics, all things ultimately devolve to two competing forces in the public interest: securing the national defense from foreign attack, and protecting the children.
Vinsfeld is of course a terrorist, and a huge threat to the security of all nations. His pursuit of his Pure Ideals is singleminded and brutal, and he will not stop until he has succeeded.
Vivi, obviously, is one of the children.
A quick look at any news outlet would show that combating terrorism and defending the national interests has a commanding lead in the public attention.
So you'd think Vinsfeld would have a commanding edge. But you'd be wrong.
You have to remember, both contenders are from video games. And in games, someone must always think about the children.
Remembering this vital truth, Vivi thus captured the meddling housewife vote right from under Vinsfeld's distinguished, bishie-esque nose, and walked away with the win.
Odessa has sworn revenge of course. To quote, they will "destroy everyone Vivi has ever known." Their first target? Zidane.
Odessa may see a sharp rise in its popularity in the near future.
Vivi Ornitier: 62
Brett with Atreyu
There are many perverts in the Role-Playing Game Duelling League.
And, naturally, like very many things in life, perversion is bisexual. Co-educational. You know, not sexist.
(For the sake of your own sanity, ignore the possibly mind-shattering reprecussions of the previous statement. Such as Sten, Zidane, transgendered Zelos and Mekumeku in a hot tub.
Yes, ignore that sentence too.)
"Mmmm. Such a wonderful matchup." Deis said, staring at the match listings, surrounded by a crowd of girls.
"I'll say. Two big, muscular men, grappling with each other's... swords." Opera said, grinning. "I thought Cormag used a lance..." Kyra said. "Even better." Opera replied.
"It's a pity." Mystina mused to herself. "All those silly perverted males get such interesting fights, but all we ever get is just some worthless sweaty brawls. Someone should do something about that."
"Hmph, women." Edge said, watching the crowd of women discuss the match's esthetic value. "Look at them, drooling over a couple of men like they're pieces of meat. It's disgustingly sexist, how could anyone put up with it?"
"You're just jealous." Yuri said, shrugging.
"What the hell? No I'm not! Besides, it's clearly the lack of a opponent that's attractive enough to matter keeping my matches from getting this sort of notice." Edge said, huffily. "Besides, it's not like you get much more atte-"
"It's Yuri!" Several girls at the edge of the crowd squealed, and four girls rushed over to get autographs signed.
"You were saying something, Edge?" Yuri said, over the bubbling remarks of the young girls. "Oh, go to hell." Edge said grumpily.
"Hmmm. I thought I saw you two." Mystina said, approaching alongside Deis. "I have a buisiness proposition for you..."
"So this is where Yuri said to go?" Mystina said, glancing doubtfully around the cluttered laboratory.
"I guess." Deis said, looking around dubiously.
"Oh, you two, I'm sorry, I have-" Lexis Shaia said, hurriedly gathering up random weapons and armor.
"Wait, wait, we're just here to pay you to do us a service." Mystina said.
"I'm not in that buisiness." Lexis said. "I know I placed in the top twenty in the Duelling League's Sexiest Scientist competition that silly magazine had, but..."
Mystina bashed him on the head with her rod, and continued smoothly. "No, what we need is for you to allow us to fire a certain whipped cream dispenser."
"Oh, the Creamonade. Ridiculous name Edge came up with, but one of my greatest inventions." Lexis said distractedly. "No, I'm busy with...wait, what was I doing?" Lexis said, dropping a stun gun on the table. "Something important. Oh well, it'll come back to me." Lexis said, sighing. "I get so many projects lately that I can't keep track of what I'm doing. Now, the Creamonade, you say?"
"What a monumental waste of money." Mystina said, staring up at the massive long-barreled cannon.
"It's not your money." Deis pointed out. "Besides, when you invest and fall asleep for a few thousand years, you tend to come out with more than enough cash to waste." She said, shrugging. "Now, fire this thing, Lexis, so I can Warp Mystina and I back to the match in time to see it in person."
"Um...yes." Lexis said, frowning. "Hmmm. I know what I was doing was important." He mumbled to himself with a sigh. "Oh well. Time to fire a calibrating shot."
"You waste thousands of gallons of whipped cream trying to aim the cannon?" Deis said incredulously. "Well, actually, we get it in bulk and it goes to waste if we don't fire the cannon a lot. To be more exact, Edge somehow managed to get a bunch of Miltanks and hooked them up to it." Lexis said, as a muffled moo wafted from somewhere underground. "He said he won them in blackjack from some kid. At any rate, they don't like not being milked." Lexis said, as he triggered off the first shot.
"Hmmm. Didn't need much calibration." Lexis mused, as the blast clearly fell within a arena. "Oh well, it was still off."
"...Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Mystina said.
"Now, for the actual shot...and there!" Lexis said, triggering the cannon. "Now you two can-oh, they already Warped. Now, maybe I can remember what I was going to-...The match with Matthew!" Lexis said. "...and I'm ten miles away and already late..."
"Still think it was a waste of money?" Deis said, as Cormag, now lacking armor and shirt, wrestled with a similarly unclothed Sigurd in a massive vat of whipped cream.
"Everyone can make mistakes." Mystina said, smiling.
"So you two are responsible for this?" A voice called out, as Piastol strode down the steps to where the two women were sitting.
"Yes." Mystina and Deis chorused.
Piastol stared at the two women for a moment, then turned her attention to the match for a while, watching until finally Sigurd cleanly choked Cormag out in a headlock.
Finally, she sighed.
"You know something?" Piastol said, shaking her head.
"I've been too hard on Edge and Yuri." Piastol said with a laugh. Smiling, she strode away in the stunned silence around her.
"Oh, blast it." Lexis said, sighing. "There has to be some way I can get back to the match in time." Lexis said, rummaging through a storage closet. "I'm almost glad Edge made me make a shelter here in case people stormed the Creamonade, it means I have some inventions stashed here."
"Jet pack...no, not fast enough, and this one has a far too high explosion to lift and speed ratio."
"Jet bike...no, this one only moves at 45 degree angles, right. Something to do with the jet-powered steering wheel."
"Jet propelled can opener, jet propelled mechanical duck, jet propelled lamp, jet propelled headphones, jet propelled cappuccino maker...no, none of these work as vehicles except the headphones, and they tend to give the pilot nasty whiplashes."
"Jet powered miniaturized steam locomotive...no, that needs rails, and fourty hours to be deminiaturized, and the jet engines tend to derail it...hmmm...maybe the problem with some of my inventions is the jet engine generating too much force?" Lexis said, puzzled. "Oh well, not the time for that. Drat, nothing that could get me there in time not to lose." Lexis said, with a sigh.
"Well...hmmm. What would Edge do in a situation like this? He always seems to be able to get out of these things." Lexis said brightly. "...No, Matthew isn't a pretty girl, so he wouldn't do that. At least, I think he wouldn't. No, Matthew isn't Piastol, so he wouldn't do that either. No, Matthew isn't Yuri...hmmm. Aha!" Lexis said, rummaging into another closet. "I know he once said he wanted to use the Creamonade as a weapon in an emergency. All I have to do is find one of those silly shells he had me make. ...did I ever test those? Oh well, I'm sure it'll be fine. Hmmm, no labels. Oh well. As long as I can delay the match long enough to get to the arena by jet-powered headphones, I'll be fine." Lexis said hopefully, as he chunked a few nameless shells into the Creamonade's Alternate Liquid Dispensation Chamber and fired.
"Hey, how long do I have to wait here?" Matthew asked the judges. "It's been thirty minutes already."
"Oh, stop complaining, it takes an hour before we disqualify people." Chaz said. "It's not like you're the only one impatient here. Rika's going to complain about this for ages."
"Well, I suppose winning without getting beaten up is better." Matthew said, shrugging. "Say, why is it raining? There aren't any clouds." He said, puzzled, as a light mist sprayed across the arena.
Then Matthew turned into a pumpkin.
Then the pumpkin froze, shattered, emitted massive blasts of lightning, electrocuting various people in the stands, turned into a palm tree, burst into flames, then started rampaging into the stands and eating people.
Similarly interesting things were happening throughout the crowd.
Chaz himself turned into a Imp and started polka dancing.
Tifa, the second judge, started making out with the polka dancing imp, moaning "Oh, Guillaume, you are so awesomely feminine, take me you wild beast!".
Ershin, the third judge, turned into a naked, buxom woman. The surviving perverts promptly tackled her. Then they all burst into flames.
As for the fourth judge, Eiko, she grew into a fourty-foot tall fire-breathing scaled giant Moogle, who rampaged the countryside.
These are just a few of the things that occured.
Lexis, hearing this news via jet-propelled radio headset, simply shook his head.
"Oh, right, Brey had those things enchanted with Chance. I swear, why is he so enamoured with that spell? Oh well, if they're defeated before I get into the arena, I still win, after all. There will be no stopping the fourteenth most sexy scientist in the Duelling League now!" Lexis said, chuckling and massaging his badly whiplashed neck, as he sped back to the arena.
The ancient battle between young magical girl and large, thick-headed knight has been fought again and again, in the Duelling League and beyond.
Usually, the mage wins. After all, there's a reason the phrase "a wizard did it" remains in the popular memory.
Shockingly, today was no different. Young Alma poured her heart into her spellcasting, persevered in the face of adversity, and all that. Heartwarming and Disney-esque.
So much so that Disney has, in fact, bought the rights to Alma's performance this season. They're calling it "The Little Cleric That Could".
Leo even agreed to play himself. It turns out that he's born for stunt work, and is often hailed as the next Arnauld Schwartzenegger.
Gallen/Fraulein in '08? Let's hope so.
Alma Beoulve: 51
Jewel tried to seduce Garet.
After all, it defeated his mighty warrior prowess before! And really, who wants to get beaten up by a ditzy redhead?
Garet tried to handle Jewel trying to seduce him.
Both are terrible at these things.
The match ended with Garet asking what Jewel was trying to do, Jewel kicking him in the shins and running out crying, and Garet being awarded the match, followed by Garet chasing after her asking what he'd done wrong.
A few weeks later, they started going out.
Pretty normal relationship, overall.
Yushis looked around in horror. The Seraph had chose to watch the fight to see a fellow fighter of justice battle a perverted old man. Instead, she saw the arena blasted apart with several tons of what appeared to be.. cream.
Surprisingly, Gepetto popped out of the middle of a rather large drift of cream, almost totally unhurt. Badrach lay splayed in the middle of the arena, clearly knocked out.
"Gepetto yelled a few words that Yushis didn't understand, and walked out, victor in battle.
"What does 'lactose intolerance' mean? I'll go ask Fogel..."
A noble paladin, facing an upstanding member of the community, a woman(?) who upholds love, truth, honor, goodness, and law it's self.
What kind of a paladin could bring himself to strike such a girl?
Marcus did the only noble thing he could do that didn't involve getting himself tickled unconcious by feathers.
He impaled Zidane from the stands and used him as a human shield to block the attacks.
This is more noble when you realize that Zidane had been preparing a fabric dissolving solution to use on Flonne. (Actually, he had been trying to find Sierra's match, but he figured this was better than nothing.)
So, while Marcus lost the battle due to interference, he upheld the high and upstanding moral values of the Duelling League.
Protect the innocent.
Be kind to others and they shall be kind to you.
Take care of small children, puppies, kittens and Rabites.
And above all else, kill Zidane.
Gogo can stab people with a knife. Kashell can whack people with a gigantic sword.
Gogo can't do much except stab people with a knife. Kashell can at least unleash a PWS when he hits enough times.
Gogo is also known for being frail. Kashell, meanwhile, is one of the few characters in his game that has an advantage in excess in HP.
Gee...who has the advantage?
Hunter of Shadows
SeeD Report Evaluation:
Top 10 Mistakes Squall made on his attack on Necron
10) Taking both Selphie and Quistis, leaving Irvine, Zell AND Rinoa controlling the ship
9) Taking more than one person against Necron. Due to the way Necron works, the less people, the better.
8) Leaving Rinoa unattended
7) Taking two support members when he could really use some extra offense
6) Forgetting to check his junctions
5) Forgetting that all the good junctions were left on Zell and Irvine and he didn't switch them to Quistis or Selphie
4) Still urging to fight after finding out that his party had nothing but attack and limit.
3) Skipping the news that morning and did not read about how Bowser was known to be on the prowl
2) Leaving Rinoa unattended when Bowser was on the prowl
1) Leaving Rinoa unattended and not knowing where Bowser's castle is.
I wouldn't be surprised if Squall and co. end up finding Brahm's castle instead >_>.
Rinoa fails: 45
Movies for Gamers Who Like Movies:
Much like the actual movie, there's something that just works about eleven people bonded together for raw greed. A plan, a brilliant mind, a dazzling array of skills put on display.
In this case, it's Claude's spaceship controlled by a drunken Opera going through yaoi withdrawl. When she was told that Cloud Strife was the one who had canceled the infamous Boys of Final Fantasy manga series, it was more than enough to get her going and ready to fight.
Cloud never had a chance.
Moral victory: 22