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Sephiroth vs Luca Blight
Ralff Didn't Sephiroth once lose a fight to a thirteen-year old wielding a giant key? I think that says a lot about how strong he is. Sephiroth: 64 Dark Holy Elf
Starphoenix das Helpoemer
Lurking Registered User
metroid composite
Lilina
jaymthegenius@yahoo.com
T.G. Nevareh
Wren vs Gilgamesh
SageAcrin Wren, sadly, couldn't manage to pull himself together in time for the match. This is why trusting Lexis to upgrade you in a timely fashion is a bad idea. Actually, it's just a bad idea to trust Lexis in general, seeing as how Edge is his biggest customer now. Lexis is pretty easy to bribe, too, just show him something shiny and technological. And that's why Wren now has a portable Creamonade installed, designed to blast a large area with highly whipped dairy goodness. (Well, it's a new, revised, portable model of Creamonade. Edge dubbed it the Citrus Spray, a combination of his love of the lemons it would produce and ripping off Shinra. No one said Edge was good at names.) Of course, he doesn't know it yet. But the next time Edge claps his hands four times and yells "I'm the greatest!", Wren will. Then he won't, because Lexis programmed him not to remember it. But I'm sure he'll figure it out the fourth or fifth time that a crowd dismantles him. As for Gilgamesh, he'll get that operation he's always wanted with the prize money. Netting him six more arms. Yes, the mighty twelve-armed Gilgamesh will be a force that can destroy worlds. One swing of his mighty sword/axe/spear/flail/knives/cannon/giant rubber mallet/vampire slayer whip/rubber chicken/magicite/Farfetch'd/frozen tuna super-combo of true horror will destroy even the most hardened opponent. (Well, possibly from laughter, until Gilgamesh learns that you don't swing some of those weapons and that you swing some of those weapons two handed and that some of them aren't weapons. Despite everything, he's really not good with weapons that aren't swords. But hey, lots of plans have little flaws, and everyone has to have a dream.) Well, he will once he gets his money back from whoever stole it, anyways. That horrible monster, ruining his dreams like that! Somewhere, a Farfetch'd is flying off with a check in it's bill and a twinkle in it's eye. Wren: 42
Selan vs Tengaar
SageAcrin How many times have you seen this scenario play out? Two women, in an arena, large amounts of perverts in the stands, something horrible always happens. But not this time! As the crowds were shunted down narrow allyways and odd back corridors due to various detour signs, they finally ended up in a livestock show. Then Zophar used his power to turn them all into chickens. Okay, so the only difference is that it wasn't in the arena. But it still counts! As it turns out, some perverts had been looking in on Zophar in the shower, trying to decide if he was a hot woman or not(The jury's evidently still out. The one person they shoved in to taking a look lost his mind. But it was Zidane, so no large loss.). He(?) decided to do away with them all. Some mages caught the error("Why is this chicken glowing and trying to hit on Alena?" Brey wondered.), but not in time for some of them. Of course, the fact that Zophar turned them all into female chickens at least saved them from death, and they were eventually found, but not without scarring memories that will last them forever. Unfortunately, Tengaar was one of the people in the crowd. Seems she got lost on the way to the arena. Worse, she was part of the crowd that got left as chickens. Naturally, she had to forfeit the match. She's still not forgiven Hix, even though he found her faster than most of the chickens were found. Scratching and biting at Hix like that just wasn't nice. And there was a lot of that before she was turned back to normal, too. Poor Hix. Talk about henpecked. Selan: 63 Lyndis
Sigurd vs Kain Highwind
Sei (In a dark and secret warehouse turned headquarters of a recently discovered organization) "Hello ladies and gentlemen of the W.U.D.A." Dart said to the people gathered before him "Before we begin discussing today's issue, I'd like to thank everyone who has helped make today's match possible, as well as congratulate Kain for his, heh... well-earned wins this season. Everyone, give Kain a give hand." Everyone applauded or gave whoops of joy as Dart said this. It hadn't been easy getting one of their own some time in the spotlight, but they were able to do it. "Now, for the next order of business. The Light Championship." The red dragoon continued while he steepled his fingers in front of him. "Now, as you all know, Kain's match is about to begin in a few minutes, and we still haven't gotten rid of Sigurd. So... do any of you have any plans to solve this problem?" "Can't we just pound him to an inch of his life like we did with Mio?" "Unfortunately, they upped security after last week. No, I say we wait for him near the entrance and axe him in the face really, really hard when he's alone!" "No you fool! The DL already knows we exist! They would quickly trace that back to use and disqualify Kain! But your plan has merit, we just need a weapon that they won't think came from us." "We could let a Gear do the dirty work for us. There are no dragoons in the XenoGears dimension, so they will probably think Sigurd just pissed one of them off." Everyone paused in their discussions and mulled this over. Finally Dart stood up, and slammed his hands against the table. "Excellent idea mysterious and suspiscious-looking cowled figure! But where can we get a Gear like that?" he said, shortly before the roof caved in and a giant metallic foot stomped Shana into a bloody paste. "Hey guys!" Bart's voice screamed out of the Andvari's speakers, "Sigurd there told me that there's a party going on here, and I simply couldn't refuse requests from pirates named Sigurd!" Before the dragoons could react, the door of their secret hideout was blown away by strong gusts of wind, and Kika flew into the room, her twin blades ready and an army of pirates behind her. "Dammit, they've found us." Slust shouted as he drew his sword. "Don't worry everyone, it's just a big robot and some Suikoscrubs, we will not lo-urk." A shroud of darkness enveloped the knight of Muspelm, and he was dead after a few moments. The gathered dragoons turned towards the cowled figure, who had just thrown away his robes, revealing the glowing symbol of the Soul Eater. "That's for calling me a Suikoscrub." Ted deadpanned. The next to fall was Fogel, as a jolt of electricity paralyzed his entire body, leaving him wide open for a barrage of Water spells. The pirates had caused enough of a distraction for Mio and Lani to sneak in from the back door. Then a large wolf charged at Fenril, not dealing much damage but taking her down long enough for Lieza, Kika, and a good amount of pirates to join in the free-for-all. Then the pissed off acquaintances of Lieza, Lani and Mio arrived, and things got really silly. (Meanwhile, back in the Light arena) Kain was starting to get nervous. He was sure the W.U.D.A. was supposed to have dealt with Sigurd by now, yet here he is, still healthy and fighting. He doesn't know how long he can hold out, his Blood Spear just keeps on missing the bloody pirate. And just when he thinks he's got lucky enough... "Drops of Kindness!" He just brings out that Water Rune of his. And this match istaking too long. He's sure one of them should have lost by now. If he didn't know better, he'd say Sigurd was holding back for some reason or another. Then he heard a tone that sounded vaguely like a marching song. "What the hell was that?" Kain said incredulously as Sigurd pulled out... a cell phone? "Hi, Sigurd here." the pirate said after he flipped open the mobile phone. "Oh, hi Sigurd! Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, they're done already? Great!" Kain wasn't sure what was going on, but he knew an opportunity when he saw one. He jumped with all his strength, intending to drop the pirate with a single blow. "Guess I should end this match then, eh? Thanks again, Siggy, I owe you one." And with that, Sigurd turned his cell phone off, put it back into his pocket, and casted Breath of Ice right before Kain could fall on his head. Now, as a damage spell, Breath of Ice is quite sucky, especially against someone like Kain who resists ice. However, as Suikoden V has shown, it can create gusts of wind powerful enough to push men back, even if they have a strong foothold. Kain, as he was in the air, didn't have any foothold at all, and as such, he was ejected out of the ring and out of the arena at an accelerated pace. "Well you three," Sigurd muttered to himself as he was awarded the Light championship, "it's all up to you now." (Back in the former headquarters of W.U.D.A.) "So, how long will it take before he arrives here?" Lieza said anxiously. "Since Sigurd ended the call thirty seconds ago, according to my calculations Kain should be arriving right about... now." Just as Mio finished saying that a large object crashed into the remains of the meeting table that the W.U.D.A. members sat around earlier. "Oww..." Kain muttered under his breath as he tried to stand up. "That was... cheap. Now where did I la- ohshit." Kain's eyes took in the surrounding, taking note of the rubble and the littered bodies of his comrades. Finally, his eyes settled on the three girls standing in front of him, wearing very scary smiles." "Hello, Kain." Lani said in a sing-song voice as she grinned at him sadistically. "Nice of you to drop in. Girls, hold him down." Kain struggled to move, to run away, to do anything as Lieza and Mio help his arms down, but his body was in severe pain from that belly flop of a landing. The fact that Mio's Stun Gun kept whatever functioning body part of his paralyzed wasn't helping matters much." "You did a very naughty thing cheating us of wins, Kain." Lani said as she fingered her axe. "A very naughty thing indeed. Do you know what I do to naughty boys, Kain? Do you, huh?" The mercenary said as she eyed the dragoon. As Kain was paralyzed, he did not speak. But he did feel his heart sink to the bottom of his stomach. "Well Kain, I'll show you what I do to naughty boys." Lani continued as she took a mighty swing on her axe and brought it down. (Three days later, in the Adult section of the Duelling League Souvenir Shop) "Why yes, Queen Brahne! You could have this special Dragon Knight body pillow for the low, low price of 10,000 gil!" The shop keep said as two men carried a rather grotesque pillow to the counter. "Special my good man?" The blue queen said suspiciously. "What makes it so special?" "Why, it's because it feels like a real Dragon Knight, my queen! The body feels like flesh, and it even grunts and squeaks when you sleep on it!" he replied, while rubbing his hands in that shadowy shop keep way. "Why, if I didn't know better, I'd say it's an actual, living human being! Minus arms, legs and tongue, of course." In fact, it even has a functioning..." here, the shop keep leaned closer to Brahne's ear and whispered. Brahne's blue face slowly turned crimson as her eyes grew larger. "Sold!" She screamed as she slapped down a bag of gil. "Steiner, please pick that body pillow up and bring it to my quarters." "Yes, my queen!" Steiner replied with a sharp salute. As he was picked up, Kain, the former dragon knight now body pillow whimpered. 'Why me,' he thought. Sigurd: 55 Pyro
Heil to the Bus Driver Grefter The scene is set. There is one man in a forest wearing a short skirt and a long jacket. A twig snaps. The token action scene slow motion sets in. The man rises and draws his two pistols, there is a click, pop of the gun firing and then one of the ninja is dead, as the bullet hits it cues the starting scream of Eternal Engine of Linguistic Massacre. And so it is for three minutes, bodies of ninja and gunfire all through this forest as it is painted in a pleasant coat of red. Several hundred ninja later, a few thousand dollars in munitions the song starts to wind down. And we reach the cue for the second part of the battle. As the man is surrounded by a few thousand more ninja he releases a scream and jumps up into the sky flying into space, not far behind him all the ninja are following. We are treated with the sounds of Rocket Man as they jump off into space. Just after the opening of the song winds down the fighting breaks out is space, more gun fire, lots of bodies being thrown around to gain momentum and to throw people into the sun. Click click pop and the last ninja dies. As Rocket Man comes to a close the man remembers that he none of that was even remotely physically possible and then promptly freezes to death while his body suffers from the ravages of the vacuum of space. From there the scene skips to a picture of David Bowie which it sits at for the next five minutes. Eternal Engine of Linguistic Massacre: 15 YOGSOTHOTH IS THE GATE: 5 MMMBop: 9 HEIL TO THE BUS DRIVER: 12 Winter: 10 Popcorn: 6 Rocket Man: 14 MMMBop (Overclocked DJ mix): 5 Xeroma
Sir Alex
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