The Green Monster

~gorha/Doma

"And seacoast residents are urged to head inland as quickly as possible until further notice..."

Edge and Rydia watched the news report on Emerald WEAPON with interest. After the destruction of Meteor, it had been presumed that all the WEAPONs had been destroyed. However, the recent surfacing of Emerald off the coast of Wutai had smashed that theory.

"I don't see what all the panic is about. It hasn't even blown up any cities yet," said Edge.

"They're just taking precautions, Edge. Oh, would you like me to explain what 'precautions' are?"

Grumbling, Edge turned back to the news.

"If you see Emerald anywhere, call the WEAPON Eradication Division General Information Edifice at 555-..." said the newsanchor while a picture of Emerald was clearly displayed.

Rydia stared for a moment, then rushed to the phone. "Hey, Antonio, turn to TNN for a minute here. You see the big creature on-screen? That's the shade I want... What do you mean, "you need a sample first"? Do you know how hard... all right, all right, I'll find a way. See you next week."

"Who's Antonio?" asked Edge suspiciously.

"Oh, he's my hairstylist. I'm supposed to go in next week for another dyeing of my hair."

"You mean that's not your natural colour?"

"Of course not! Not that you'd ever find out any other way..." Rydia paused for a moment, then smiled coyly. "You know, Edge, I really need someone big and strong to go and get a piece of that WEAPON so I could have the perfect tint for my hair. If you were to go out and get some for me, I'd be very grateful..."

"Grateful enough to go out on a date with me, baby?"

"Of course."

"Then I'll do it!" said Edge gallantly as he rushed to the Gate for Midgar. It wasn't until he had arrived that he realised what he had gotten into.

_ _ _

In addition to his usual equipment, Edge has managed to pick up a few things for his quest for Emerald. He's gotten an Underwater Materia, which he's forcibly jammed into the Masamune, and a mastered Pre-Emptive Materia embedded into the Murasame's hilt. As well, his single Spoon has been blessed in a trip to Spira with Break Damage Limit.

Edge has the rest of the week to find a way of getting a piece of Emerald without being turned into paste. A viable chunk of Emerald will be at least the size of Edge's fist. Since this is not an actual match, anything goes as far as tactics and planning.
  • Edge gets a piece of the WEAPON
  • Emerald gets a piece of Edge

Xeroma
As Edge went off the coast of Junon into the sea, he made a few "extra" preperations. Namely a sack of Fuma's and Elixers that he kept after FF4.

Upon nearing the location of the WEAPON, Edge, thought over his strategy to himself again. He may be blindly perverted, but he wasn't stupid. He knew a full on assault would equal him getting splattered across the ocean floor. So he decided to do something that would normally kill someone, should they face Emerald.


"Hey, you big pile of shit! Over here!" cried the somewhat foolhardy ninja.

Now, Emerald is a really a sensitive weapon that just wants to be left alone. After all, he kept getting picked on by Ultimate and Ruby for "being a wimp". Why else would he reside in the ocean? Now he must being mocked by girly men the size of one of his jewel-cannon-things.

He had enough.

Fortunately, Edge prepared for this by spending all his MP creating images of himself throughout the sea. By the time he was done, there were Edge's as far as the eye could see. A true nightmare for women.

Emerald was obviously not only pissed, but confused as hell at this site, and started firing as much of his power at as many places as he could, hoping he would hit the real Edge after a while.

What Emerald DIDN'T notice was the fact that during his confusion, Edge snuck onto his back. After chugging an Elixer, Edge pokes Emerald in the back of the head after enough images died with a few Fumas. He then spent his MP making images of himself.

Emerald however, decided to use Air Tam Storm and blow up all the images at once, and slightly damage Edge.

Edge was caught off guard by this, but he knew he could still win. He had another idea. He decided to take the "Ramsus" apporach at doing this.

He chugged an Elixer and spent his MP with images again, but this time did something different. The images shouts could be heard all the way to Junon.

"TRASH! WIMP! WEAKLING! YOU ARE NO WEAPON! DIAMOND WEAPON WAS BETTER THAN YOU!" etc; etc;.

Emerald, after hearing all this, did the equivelent of breaking down and crying. Also known as expending a lot of energy blasting into a wall.

During this time, Edge deflty planted a couple dozen Fuma's into Emerald, and then finished him off with his trusty Spoon. After that, he called the boats in Junon to pick up Emerald's carcass and ship it to his home in the rebuilt Eblan Castle.

After harvesting Emerald's carcass for minerals for new weapons and armor, Edge grabbed a chunk about the size of his head and went to visit Rydia. He had never felt this golden since KO'ing Orlandu a long time ago, but this time, there weren't any consequences for him to worry about.

Rydia on the other hand, nearly had a heart attack at the sight she was presented with when Edge knocked on her house a day later.......

Edge: 34
Emerald: 16

Stampede
Edge may not be able to hide, but he sure can sneak. Luckily for him, that's going to come in handy. Having consulted with a Silverberg or two to come up with a plan, Edge is now armed with an ingenious plan.

Upon beginning what he has dubbed Operation: "attack from behind and then run screaming", Edge surprisingly attacked Emerald Weapon from behind with his one-shot attack. He then cast smoke and ran away screaming.

Since Emerald Weapon can never stay in one place for long (possibly due to ADD), all Edge needed to do was wait for it to move before he could get his piece of the thing's carapace.

gorha
Sure, the BDL Spoon might not kill Emerald WEAPON, but it certainly should be strong enough to scoop out a nice chunk of it to bring back to Rydia. Unfortunately for Edge, ninjas are horribly weak against water, dying instantly if they even fall into a puddle, as anyone who played Shinobi knows. Fortunately, he does have that Underwater Materia. Emmy is SO spooned.

superaielman
If there's one thing that the DL's shown time and time again, that Edge can be outslugged, outthought, and generally outmatched... and still come through for the sake of mass perversion. He may get beaten, he may get crushed, and he may end up getting killed several times over... but he won't end up failing.

Even a WEAPON can't stop the Ninja Prince's hormones.

Veryslightlymad
Folks, this is -EDGE- we're talking about. Sure, he's a ninja, but remember how he has a penchant for rushing after much more capable opponents with attacks that won't hurt them? Like Rubicant? Attacking Rubicant with fire?

Let's put it another way:
You know those little guys in Zelda 2 that run after you with their swords held straight out, and kinda bounce up and down ineffectually, and don't even grant you experience when they die, because they suck so badly?

Yeah. Those guys taught Edge tactics. Sure, he's a capable fighter. He's just a stupid fighter.

Mad Fnorder
Ninjas are masters of many things- Stealth, disguise, combat- but also are masters of tactics- knowing when and how to strike to the best of their abilities.

While not the brightest of Ninjas, Edge still thought long and hard about his method of attack. Finally, he'd developed a plan- it wasn't the most reliable, but when fighting a beast such as Emerald Weapon, risks had to be taken.

He started attacking Emerald from long range, using his Blitzes to awaken the beast from the water. He was hurt by the Aire Tam Storm, as well as the ensuing Lasers, but still he did not close to melee, instead choosing to lure the behemoth out of the water. As it began to surface, Edge grinned. It was time for stage two, as he thew a small object onto Emerald's leg.

A small, frog-shaped sticker.

Suddenly from the side, Quina, whom Edge had earlier lured near the battlefield, wielding the Break Damage Limit Spoon, exercised all of his Cutlery-based combat experience on lunging at Emerald. Sure enough, the infinitely sharp Spoon cut a gouge out of Emerald's ankle. Before the beast could continue the attack, Edge used his Smoke Blitz, escaping with Quina.

"That thing scary. And not tasty." Quina rumbled. "I even swallow big chunk, and still not tasty." Edge grinned and readied his katana. "Big chunk, Eh?"

AAA
You really think that some paltry uber-boss with gobs of HP and a extremely strong attack in Aire Tam Storm is going to stop a horny teenageer? That's a ninja, no less?

Hah! Edge's hormone fueled mayhem easily enables him to get a chunk of EMERALD, and wins the heart of Rydia.

...At least until he hands it over, and she feins a headache and cancels their date. But hey, at least she gave Edge hope, right?