Girls with boobs are all you need in horror movies...
VS
~Poppy/OK

Selphie's sugar binges had become too prevalent. She would constantly scurry off during SEED examinations, just to take a good snort of unrefined sugar crystals. It was so bad, that Squall, Quistis, Irvine, Rinoa and Zell decided that enough was enough. Instead of going to the usual Kuja/Flea Masquerade Ball, Squall and co. took Selphie on a train bound for the Cid Highwind Addiction center in Midgar. Zell was able to get six tickets for the ride on Halloween Night, nice and cheaply too.

Unfortunately, leaving Zell in charge of booking tickets turned out to be a bad thing. After twenty minutes, the group finally realized that they weren't on the usual 11:59 Express; it was the Midnight Train, the Phantom Train. And they weren't alone, oh no.

Kefka, infuriated at having been beaten by Freya in the RPGDL, had taken the Phantom Train that night for its last stop, Yuri Hyuga's Serpahic Radiance Daycare centre. He figured the killing of a few children would do him good. After realizing that the scrubs from Final Fantasy 8 were on the train, though, he decided he needed to have some fun with them.

The Final Fantasy 8 PCs are separated: Selphie is in the bathroom, binging on some sugar. Squall and Rinoa are in some random room making out. Zell, Irvine and Quistis are in the dining room, eating.

The Final Fantasy 8 peeps are being attacked by a menacing psychopath of a clown, everyone's worst nightmare outside of Michael Jackson porn. As well, they're separated, and as horror movies show, that's never safe. Kefka is bent on killing the 6 teens; the teens must escape, for if not, there can be no sequel.
  • Someone makes it out alive to tell the tale
  • Kefka disobeys the horror movie rules, and kills them all

Dhyerwolf
Kefka easily kills the braindead Selphie, Zell, and Irvine. Unlike them, Quistis actually remembers to run and hide. Squall dies protecting Rinoa, who then flees. Kefka hunts Rinoa, but as as FF 8 shows, it is very, very to her out of the way. She is like an evil fungus who just won't die no matter how many stupid situations she gets into. Just as the train reaches its stop, Kefka finally kills the Timber Owl by casting esuna on her. It turns it that she was berserked and confused, explaining all of her behaviour. Realizing she actually kissed Squall, Rinoa jumps off the train to her death. Quistis flees past the dumbstruck Kefka and escapes with her life.

FF8: 16
Death: 12

Dark Holy Elf
Normally, I'd write a nice, possibly even witty piece of prose about why Kefka wins, or why the FF8 PCs win, likely detailing the various events in order that lead up to the demise and/or victory of the insane clown. But not this time.

Why? Because neither side wins. Rather, what nobody on the train realised is that they were on a collision course with another train... the North Corel freight train, loaded up with a shipment of a thousand Bombs, Grenades, and Explosives, pilotted by none other than a maniacal Barret Wallace, infuriated at being left out of any train-themed bonus match. Which meant, of course, that shortly before they were all killed in the massive explosion, Kefka and the FF8ers heard a deranged scream of "THERE AIN'T NO GETTIN' OFF THESE TRAINS WE'RE ON!"

Sir Alex
(disclaimer - this writeup is for mature audiences.)
"Oh, oh Squaalllll, yessss...." Rinoa moaned, kissing her boyfriend passionately. She opened her eyes and gazed at Squall tenderly, feeling the burning warmth of his body pressed against hers, her clothing sweat-soaked with the heat of her passion. A long, loud scream was heard in the other parts of the train as Rinoa realized, much too late, that it was her own body actually burning, and Squall's blood soaking her clothes.

Irvine, Quistis and Zell looked up from their meals and weapon maintainance as they heard Rinoa's series of sharp sudden screams.
"Ah! Ahhh, AIIIHHHHHH! Oh God! No! Don't! Stop! I can't take it any more! AIIIIIIHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY"
Irvine gaped, then started laughing. "Squall, oh hon... on a train? You dog, you!"
"Shut up," Quistis muttered, cutting her steak a little more forcefully than before. "Just ignor-"
"Wafnt Suffy tah wah oo laik'd trais?" Zell interrupted from around his four hot dogs. "Wah's she, anyway? Ah'l fin her naw. Ihf Swall geths to do stuhf wit a gir on ta trai, so do ah!" And he hobbled out, barely dodging a glare and thrown steak knife from red-faced Quistis.

Zell wandered around the dark, abandoned train cars for a while. "Saffy? Whe're ya? Ooh.. ah don' fee so good... thesh hot dogsh ar NOT on par wif' my shtandards! I gata fin' bafroom..." he groaned, entering the nearest lavatory. There he found Selphie, sitting and twitching with her head down in a corner surrounded by sugar and bloodstains. Of course, this wasn't out of the ordinary for her, so Zell waved disappointedly and was about to leave when he heard a voice.
"Heheheheheheeeeeee! I liiike trains! I like trains, trains I like, vweeeheeheehe!"
"Hey, nice trick, Selphie! Say, if you can still talk, do you wanna maybe go and...? Selphie?"
Zell, for once in his life, was observant enough to notice that the voice in question wasn't even coming from Selphie's corner. It came from behind him, in fact, so he turned around - and swallowed in shock the last hot dog he would ever eat.

Back in the dining car, Quistis was feeling seriously annoyed. Irvine hadn't said anything after Zell left, just chuckled and kept polishing his gun... but he didn't really need to say anything. She was about to snap and tell him to stop looking at her while rubbing the gun that way, when the lights went out completely.
"What's that, now?" Irvine drawled, "are we arriving or - urk - gk - Quistis, help!"
"NO, you creep," she shot back, unmoving, "I am not going to go over there in the dark and let you feel me up. Do you think I'm stupid or something?"
Her reply came instantly, but it was not in Irvine's voice.
"YOU, little lady, you wanted SQUALL, you WANTED him, ohh yes you did. Smart? Vweheheheheeeee! That makes you a moron! Moron, moron moron moron!"
Quistis froze as she heard erratic footsteps coming toward her, and finally knew what was going on. She chose her words carefully.
"I am the last person here. I'm a girl. Therefore, by all conventions, I will kill you now in revenge for the deaths of my friends."
Picking up her steak knife again, Quistis hurled it in the direction of Kefka's approach, heard it thunk home and a body cough blood and thud against the wall, felt her way back to the table and sat back down. Then she felt a searing pain at her temple, and screamed as the top half of her head was keenly amputated by Kefka.

Some time later, the lights came back on, the train stopped, and Kefka departed to murder some children, laughing "I don't adhere to ridiculous conventions, suckers!"
Selphie tried feebly to grab him as he passed her, but her massive loss of blood and Qustis's knife pinning her stomach to the train wall stopped her. "I... don't... like... trains... anymore..." she whispered, as her vision faded to black, and the Phantom Train carried another load of souls to the netherworld.

chipstick85@aol.com
Comments:Kefka enters the dining room and slaughters the 3 weaklings there... he then finds Rinoa and Squall making out because the making out couple always dies.

Selphie, the only one left, learns that if she can damage the phantom train enough she can leave. She figures that even alone she can beat a boss that occurs at the very beginning of the game.

Too bad for Selphie and end game FF8 fighter without junctions cannot beat an early game FF6 boss... the train kills Selphie, and then Kefka kills the train... end of match.

MeepleLard
Unlike OTHER psychopath Horror Killers, Kefka's means of killing isn't hunting people down one by one, and then killing them up close, no.

He prefers the subtle method of blowing them all up from a distance with Light of Judgement...well, not really subtle, but it gets the job done. What? No more Train after Light of Judgement? Oh well, Kefka has a spell named "Train" so chances are, he COULD somehow use that to get to the Day Care center...

Moral of the Story: No matter WHAT Horror Movies say, Psychopathic Clowns > FF8 Characters who will eternally suck

Niu
It is not that kefka disobey the movie law, but instead that unjunctioned FF 8 PCs are so powerless that not even the horror movie law can protect them.

El Cideon
Traditionally, one of the teens in a horror movie must survive to tell the story. However, the most likely candidate in this case falls prey to another horror movie staple: anyone who does drugs dies.

Match for the killer clown.