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DQYDB3: - Child Psychology Is NOT Healthy Our hero - if you can call him that... - Seifer Almasy, the Professional Advisor, was taking a much needed nap on this seemingly slow day for him. After all, not all days are raging busystorms where random piloting jobs go to hapless Numans or the bearer of the True Wind Rune becomes a member of the saltmines of physical labor. However... unfortunately, Seifer forgot about his afternoon appointments - all four of them. This couldn't spell good news, especially considering they were right there, freshly arrived, waiting for Almasy's enlightening guidance. Regardless, he just didn't care, and continued his nap - or would, had not a flying book hit him with pinpoint accuracy. "Ow! Damn it! What the hell was that?", Seifer grumbled, glancing up to see none other than Shiho, his new secretary, standing right in front of his desk. The blind songstress sighed. "Sleeping on the job again?" "How...did you hit me? Aren't you supposed to be BLIND?" "I am. Doesn't mean my bird is, though", Shiho softly remarked, pointing to her parakeet familiar with a smirk. "I see", the Ex-SeeD grunted, getting up with an annoyed look in his face. "What do you want this time?" "There are some guests outside to see you. I'd describe them to you, but that's a bit of an impossibility." "Yeah, yeah, send the first one in. Let's get this over with", Seifer dismissed. Watching Shiho leave, he thought to himself, snickering. "What kind of freaks will I have to deal with this time?" It was at this moment that a gargantuan, blobby, purple... thing, roughly a hundred times larger than the room, entered and, rather impossibly, sat. Seifer seemed rather unfazed at that. "Okay, state your name, origins, goals in life, what have you." "Bwahahahah! I am the almighty evil Rhapthorne! Bow before my awesome size and might!" "Kay, let's get this over with before the laws of physics give up entirely. Why are you here?" "Foolish mortal! Give me a job so that I may become wealthy! For I am the Dark King Rhapthorne!" "If you're such an evil overpowered lord... why do you need a job now?" "The evil overlord business doesn't pay much. I need a second job on the side so I can pay the rent in the Netherworld..." "I see... of course, a fatass like you isn't fit enough for most jobs, you know." "Of course I am! Give me anything that you think I cannot do, and I shall prove that I, Rhapthorne, can succeed at anything! And with these documents, even the Sages will be powerless to stop me! Mwahaha!" "...you really think you're up to the challenge of ANYTHING?" "Yes!" Seifer's eyes brutally glinted at this moment. His disgruntled expression suddenly changed to a sharp, murderously pleased smile. He reclined on his chair and stretched, tapping his fingers once he returned to his original position. "WELL! If -that's- the case, let us see if you can be a Mod-" - and Almasy suddenly stopped, realizing that this might be the biggest mistake he could ever commit. "... err... um... scratch that. How about a nutritionist?" "YOU DARE INSULT ME WITH THAT JOB?" "Yes, I do. In fact, I'll probably do something similar to the person after you. It's nothing personal, just the bones of business. Now... you can take it or chicken wuss out, proving that you can't, in fact, do every job." "HA! THIS INSULTING JOB MEANS NOTHING TO ME! I SHALL ACCEPT IT, AND SOON YOU WILL SEE THE WORLD UNDER THE MIGHTY RULE - and dietary plans - OF THE GREAT RHAPTHORNE!" "Glad to see you're happy. Anyway, NEXT!", Seifer said, stamping Rhapthorne's forms. After Rhapthorne, came in walking a young, chipper blonde-haired girl in a white uniform, cute innocent smile on her face, holding what looked like a bunch of oversized rings. As she was moving the seat to sit down in, she tripped over it, and then stumbled back up to sit down. Seems to be just another klutz, the SeeD pondered to himself... "All right. State your name, origins, whatever. I'm sure you'll just tell me what you want to, and I don't care." "Oh, sorry. I'm Colette, the chosen of Sylvarant!" "You... do realize that I have no clue what the hell that means, right?" "You don't? Awww, I was hoping I could get something easy..." "Whatever. Anyway, anything you're talented at?" "Well, I'm good at naming dogs!" "... anything USEFUL?" "Umm...I can steal, even though I don't look like it!" "... anything useful that isn't questionably criminal?" "Umm...umm...I have wings, so I can fly!" At that, Seifer finally raised his eyebrow with a faint glint of interest. "... well, NOW we're getting somewhere. Say, have you ever done anything that even remotely resembles painting?" "I'm... alright, I guess. I haven't done it a lot..." "I'll take that as good enough, then. At least, to fill up this call for an Interior Designer this should do." "But I don't really have much experience in that kind of stuff..." "Nor does anyone else I give these jobs too. You're not the first to give me that half-assed excuse, nor will you be the last. So, get cracking, floozy!" "Oh! I wasn't declining the job, just hoping you knew that, but if it's OK with you, I'll take it!", Colette sheepishly blurted, accepting her newest job without much of a hitch. "Sure, whatever. NEXT!" And in came a young boy, with dark blue hair, in a dark blue suit with red stripes, seemingly intense eyes. "You know, of all the people who I expected to see as a job advisor, you are the very last person I'd see in such a position." "What's that supposed to mean, Chicken Wuss?", the SeeD replied blankly. "Well, I have a friend who acts just like you. And, frankly, I can't see him as an advisor." "All right, you cocky rooster, who the hell do you think you are?" "Just a former ranger who has reached the sky looking for a job... and, believe me, I am not leaving until I'm satisfied." "Sorry to burst your bubble there, but, actually? You'll be leaving when I tell you to." "I don't know what your policy is here. However, having dealt with the legal system before, I know better than to forget THESE!" That said, Ryu the 5th unleashed a bevy of legal documents, clearly stating he has the right to decline any job Seifer would arbitrarily give him. "... but... but... argh! Damn it. I knew it was only a matter of time before someone remembered to bring those. Pfft, fine, fine! Let me check this junk out..." "... put down the matches first." "All right, already", Seifer replied, chucking the match boxes down the window. "See, no matches. Satisfied? Now, let me get this over with." "... and no randomly whipping out fire spells either." "How are you going to stop me from doing THAT?" It was at this moment that Ryu's eyes starting glowing red, with a red aura around him and his clothes seemed to turn into some... weird, red electric pajamas (it doesn't make sense to us either). Seifer then realized that, in fact, Ryu COULD stop him and make him suffer. So, the SeeD figured it was best to go a different route in this conversation, and just for once, do things the right way. Seifer grumbled a bit, and actually bothered to look at the forms. "So, your name is Ryu, originated from Sheldar, didn't get ranked due to the overestimated fear of Wyrm being able to blow up the entire DL Arena. Even though this has happened at least 23 times in the past two seasons. Anyhow, D-ratio 1/8192... well, your record seems rather average..." "I wouldn't call that average..." "You would if you had to deal with the freaks I handle everyday." "... fine, you got me there", Ryu said, remembering Rhapthorne was just two appointments before him. "Hmm... well, you've got obvious talent at getting people to listen to you, and it says here that you single-handedly changed a civilization that had been completely stable for 500 years." "What are you trying to imply?" "I think you'd be good at writing and directing dramatic productions." "... um... really, now..." "Yes. For once, someone is worth giving a ROMANTIC profession to, rather than giving me a cheap laughing stock. Perhaps you should give being a playwright a shot, mmmm?" "Not... what I was expecting of a job, but I suppose I could do it... okay, count me in!" "Here's your papers, now please leave before I make a habit out of this", Seifer said, relieved to finally have gotten through this. Before he could call in his last booked appointment, however, a white haired man, dressed in black with a white angelic cape came bursting through the door! "Please! Shut her up! She won't stop her painful singing!" "... who the hell are you and what are you doing in my office?" "Um... Seifer? That's Albedo, your 5:00 appointment!", Shiho melodiously yelled from across the hall. "Ugh, okay. Now, why are you singing, Shiho?" "Force of habit, obviously. You aren't raised to be a songstress in a war, killed in the middle of the job and turned into an Einherjar without actually enjoying the job, you know..." "... you don't say. And how'd you know who he is?" "Because you only have four appointments; you just got through three of them. I may be blind, but basic arithmetics aren't beyond me." Seifer winced. "... urgh. Okay, whatever, just shut the door so we can get this over with." "AHA! Victory is at last mine! Soon I shall have the means to win the heart of Ma Peche!" "Yeah, whatever. Please keep the german or whatever you speak at a minimum." "You dare insult me? But I suppose this is to be expected from such an inferior creature with such a low class job. Mwahahahahah! HAHAHAHAHAAHAH! BWAHAHAHAAHAH!" "... oooooooooh, wait. NOW I remember you! You were that freak who fought against those little girls many seasons ago, and got your ass whipped..." "Aha! I see that my reputation preceeds me! Soon I shall crush all that stood before me, and Ma Peche shall be mine!" "... so, you're getting a job for the sake of getting back at the likes of Ghaleon and Yuri for insulting you? Delusional doesn't begin to describe you, you lunatic." "How dare you? Now, give me a job so I can become welthier than Nigredo!" "... you mean... the guy who owns the Kukai Foundation, according to your resume? You know, I don't set standards high on my jobs. I just give them out, laugh at the person as they leave, then take a nap when it's done. Your levels of delusion are nearly critical here. You'd be better off taking the freak show somewhere else, lamer." "No! You must give me this job, or else I shall do THIS!" Albedo screamed as he ripped off his own head, laughing maniacally. "... oh, great. I never expected you to be the emo kind, but it seems you've killed yourself 'cause I said one thing you didn't like. But eh, I've seen weirder stuff. I... think..." At this moment, Albedo's head regenerated. "Dead you say? It takes more than that for me to fall, you fool!" "... DAMN. I knew that was too easy. So... umm... let's see... according to this, you have a certain way with kids... and getting their attention..." "Hahahahah! Of course I do! Ma Peche comes to me as I will it!" Seifer flipped through his job listings, looking for something fittingly unsuitable, and suddenly felt ill at the thought of Albedo filling the first position on the list. "What? Have you found the perfect job for my brilliance?" Seifer quickly tried to hide the job description. "No, umm... all slots have been filled for this one! Yes, that's it!" "Let me see that!" "No." "Give that to me!" "I said NO." "Come on!" "I. SAID. NO." "Come on, Come On, Come on, Come On... ARGH! NOW DIE!", Albedo shouted, smacking Seifer against the wall with a Ruby Fist, stealing the document. "...bwahahahah! AHAHAHAHAH! Mwahhahhaha! Yes! This is perfect for me! I thank you for giving me this job!" "Oh god, this just can't end up well...", the SeeD grumbled with a wince, watching Albedo grab the forms securing his new job, prancing out the room like a 12-year-old girlscout who sold Oregon's worth in cookies. "Umm... it sounds like he was rather happy about the job you gave him, Seifer. Did you actually help someone?", Shiho chimed in. "More like I accidentaly scared all of humanity in ways that even I'd want to avoid. Man, I am so going to hear this from the higher ups this time..." "What job did you accidentaly give that Pedophile anyway?" "...Child Psychologist." "..." Now! Who will be most successful at their new jobs? |
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Gatewalker Sometimes, it’s better just to keep things simple and easy. While the old saying goes ‘shoot for the stars, you might still land on the moon’ there are times when shooting for the stars only means that you get lost in space. Rhapthorne and Colette both learned this little lesson the hard way, though. You see, having heard of such wildly popular diets like the recent Atkins craze, Rhapthorne thought that he could make a killing by coming up with some catchy fad diet that was about 10% actual dietary information and 90% marketing and advertising it well. After all, it was all about the money in the end, right? If the people who follow his diet end up malnourished and dying, but still forking over money because it makes them look good, then…well, all the better! He is an evil overlord, after all! So, taking his hastily sketched out idea for making money, the Dark King went to go consult someone who was already rather wealthy, and also a man who he considered to be in the prime of physical condition and masculine beauty(second to himself, of course), his good friend Palmer. That’s right. Palmer. It seems that Rhapthorne does in fact ascribe to the ‘bigger is better’ and ‘big is beautiful’ schools of thought. So, believing that everyone would want to be as round as they are tall, the massive purple monstrosity and his portly partner(who also offered to be his financier) put together a rigid diet of lard, sugar, fatty meats, and eating about two to three times what you really should at any meal. They also stressed such things as brushing your teeth and showering regularly, of course, as looking good was the end goal of the diet and while they thought fat was fabulous, they weren’t complete slobs. It goes without saying that this project ended in complete and total failure, of course. Palmer and Rhapthorne were both out thousands just from the failure of the books. The ensuing lawsuits from the few who did actually try their ‘diet’ have yet to be settled but the estimate is an additional few hundred thousand in debt each. Experts expect the Dark King to just devour the plaintiffs whole though, so it’s doubtful that he’ll actually end up owing anyone anything. Now Colette, while failing at her assigned job, thankfully didn’t hurt anyone in the process. Well, nobody important anyway. You see, while looking around for places in need of an interior designer, Colette was also doodling ideas for designs in a notebook and somehow wound up in the city of Argonia when she wasn’t paying attention. Nobody really knows how she randomly wandered from the upscale residential area of the Dueling League world itself to Argonia(apparently by way of Besaid, according to Colette…), but wander there she did. Once there, now quite lost, the young chosen did the only thing that seemed reasonable to do for an RPG heroine in distress, which was to go up to the local castle and ask the resident ruler for directions. Sure, sometimes those rulers are actually blackhearted scum instead of helpful, but since she wasn’t here on official heroine business then it would follow that even the mean ones wouldn’t have to be villainous towards her, right? Well, discovering that the king wasn’t in, she instead met with the prince, who was more than happy to show a cute young lady around his castle, showing off all his riches and trophies, especially his gigantic Argon’s Heart ruby, and invited her to stay as long as she’d like. That’s when Colette got an idea: maybe she should stay awhile and be the interior designer for an entire castle! A castle has so much more space to decorate, and the sturdy stone walls should prevent any odd Colette-shaped holes in the walls from appearing. It seemed like a perfect job, and much to her delight, the friendly Prince Charmles agreed to it quite readily(where else was he going to find a cute girl who was clueless enough to not realize what he was after and possibly naive enough to let him get it?). So, starting the very next day, Colette began her re-decorating project of Argonia castle in the Prince’s own bedroom(at Charmles’ suggestion, of course). Working at a frantic pace, the young Chosen had the entire room done in only a few hours, with the walls being painted a bright and cheerful pastel yellow and the furniture and general decorations being redone in a very cute puppy dog theme. But working so hard put a toll on even the tireless Colette and she needed to rest for a bit after finishing up. Seeing his chance, Charmles moved in for an ‘accidental' grope under the guise of offering her a gentlemanly arm. Big mistake. Feeling the pinch on her bottom, Colette jumped back and flailed her arms around in surprise….knocking Charmles clear through the wall and out into a nearby well. The King, who had returned that morning, came to see what all the fuss was about, of course. While he approved of her deft handling of his son, he simply couldn’t abide that horrid shade of yellow(or the hole in his castle wall…) and fired Colette from her position. Ryu, in the meanwhile, had also taken a stroll about for inspiration, and ended up in Budehuc castle, where a rather famous stage director just so happened to reside. Taking in a few of Nadir’s plays, and familiarizing himself with the tastes of the common folk who came to watch them, Ryu quickly realized a theme. People liked the classics. Taking this idea and running with it, he quickly began penning a dramatic retelling of one of the greatest classics of all time, a simple tale about a warrior, a princess, and a dragon. With Nadir agreeing to direct, Ryu’s Dragon Warrior: Where it All Began became a smash hit with the hero, villain and NPC demographics alike, it’s simplistic elegance appealing to each group for much the same reasons. Confident with his first success, the ranger couldn’t wait to get started on his next ideas, especially since Nadir said that he had come across a new and interesting way to cast the parts. Sometimes, the simplest ideas really are the best, and given a chance, a classic might just prove why it’s a classic. Hmm? What about Albedo? Oh, well it seems that karma decided to throw Seifer a bone for actually doing his job for a change as Albedo didn’t survive his first day as a child psychologist. His very first appointment seemed to be more than he could handle and he quit with great haste right after, trying to put as much distance as possible between himself and the odd little girl who only wanted him to be her friend… Rhapthorne: 6 Colette: 7 Ryu5: 18 Albedo: 16 Failure: 14 Lezard Valeth
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