A Pervert's Staple: The Wet T-Shirt Contest
~Dhyerwolf

What would Season XXX be without the grand tradition of the wet-shirt contest? Well, thanks to the DL's Pervert Society, we won't have to find out! On the sunny beaches of Costa Del Sol, the competitors get ready to strut their stuff while the depraved judges prepare for an afternoon of babes and boobs.

The first contestant walks out onto the stage. That's right, it's Marge. You know, Marge? Serge's mom? She technically slept with Lynx? You don't remember? Really? Well, watch as her chest is being bombarded with water! Sexy!

The Panel's Reaction:
Zidane: "Everyone loves an MILF. If only someone would love me..."
Edge: "Saggy boobs. Get this wench out of here."
Gallows: "My grandma looks better than her!"

What the Audience Says:
Crono's Mom: "I can't believe that bitch actually got her own name."
Serge: Pick an option:
1. "Go Mom! Work it! Fierce!"
2. "I will need so much therapy. But this is worth it..."

The next contestant strides onto the stage to many a cheer. Legaia 2's Sharon has had to put on extra clothes for the contest, but she still seems to attract every eye. Granted, that may because she made up for it by wearing the tiniest bikini she could fit into.

The Panel's Reaction:
Zidane: Speechless. He tried to smack Sharon's ass as she walked by and she smacked him silly.
Edge: "Hot damn! Now there is a woman! I need to get with that!"
Gallows: "My grandma looks better than her!"
Edge: "..."

The Audience's Reaction:
Rydia: "Tee hee, Edge. You are so bad."

Now we have the classic RPG boob queen: None other than the wishy-washy Tifa Lockheart! And she doesn't even have to change her clothing. She rocks the wifebeater all the time!

The Panel's Reaction:
Zidane: "Man, she's like a hot Garnet!"
Edge: "I wonder if hitting them with Pin would deflate them?"
Gallows: "I've seen better... on my grandma!"
Edge: "What the fuck is wrong with you, Gallows?"

The Audience's Reaction:
Garnet: "I'm so going to pull a Bobbit on you, Zidane."
Katt: "I am the Queen of No Pants!"

Our fourth beauty is the lovely Hildegard Valentine. Watch as her lithe form sashays across the stage.

The Panel's Reaction:
Zidane: "Maybe if I just steal one kiss" Zidane rushes up the stage and tries to maul Hilda.
Hilda: "Hmm, what's this? A tasty treat?" Unfortunately, upon biting Zidane, slim Hilda turned into fat Hilda and bust right out of her T-shirt.
Edge: "God damn it, we should have specified no fatties!"
Gallows: "Cover up, now!"
Edge: "Cow goes mooooooo!"

The Audience's Reaction:
Queen Brahne: "Ho ho ho! What's a great figure that young woman has! She should model!"
Keith: "I like incest!"

The next contestant wobbles onto the stage. The audience is dead with silence. Or, well... after seeing a tiny white t-shirt straining over Rashidi's massive bulk, they may just have fallen over dead.

The Panel's Reaction:
Gallows: "God damn, we really, really should have specified no men... but...he kind of looks better than my grandma! Hot damn!"
Edge: "Oh hell, I can't see! I can't see!"
Zidane: "Hmm, you know, I'm kind of digging him. He has the most impressive manboobs I've ever seen. I'd hit that."

The Audience Reaction:
None, they are all silent.
  • Marge's body transcends age.
  • Blondes have more fun, as Sharon easily wins.
  • Nothing can beat the original guns. Tifa crushes.
  • There's more to love, as Hilda wins for justice.
  • He may be uglier and more evil than a pack of rabid geese, but Rashidi's still a winner.

Lance
This one isn't even close. Tifa in a wet T-shirt contest against...well, less than stellar competition shouldn't require too much thought. Ask any FF7 fan to play a little game of Word Association and I'm sure you'll get the exact same results:

Sephiroth? Pretty-boy.

Cloud? Schizophrenia.

Vincent? Emo.

Tifa? Boobs.

Yes, it's just that simple. People don't remember Tifa for her awesome Limit Breaks, her intriguing back story, her rocky relationship with Cloud, her hard-hitting martial arts style, or her noble fight against the forces of evil. No, they remember her bust size. And putting her in a contest where the T-shirts rarely stay on for more than five minutes is just plain unfair for the rest of the competition.

Plus, I'm sure the crowd will go nuts when she launches Rashidi's fat ass off the stage with a well-placed Final Heaven. In the end, everybody wins!

Well, except Rashidi. But he doesn't count anyway >_>

Marge: 1
Sharon: 19
Tifa: 35
Fat Hilda: 8
Rashidi: 16