A Very Shady Showdown
~Meeplelard

"So, you're sure this is where we're supposed to be?"

"Yes, we've been over this many times. It's supposed to be right here."

"Yeah, well, I'm standing right here and it ISN'T right here."

"But...but...our sources and information assured us that the Materia would be at this spot! What do you think about this, Rude?"

"...I've got nothing to add. Its not here," he said, trying to find a way to end this senseless arguement his two "buddies" were having.

"Why are you always on HIS side?"

"Maybe because I'm right, Elena. Look, you said behind the giant angel and demon doors, in a large old casket. 'The Seraphic Radiance Materia will be there,' you said. Well, we broke open th doors, we took a crowbar to the casket, and we turned on a flashlight and looked inside, and it's empty. So I'm pretty sure it's not here."

"But I swear we did everything right! Maybe someone beat us to it?"

"I'm supposed to believe that someone could have better sources of information than us? Not likely..."

"Are you three looking for this?" The voice, cold and female, came from behind them. The three Turks turned around to see a blonde girl dressed in orange holding up a silver glowing crystal. She was flanked by a man with an afro, a flying cat, and a kid with a panda backpack.

"Hey! That's it! That's the Seraphic Radiance Materia!" Elena exclaimed.

"So someone DID beat us to it," Reno growled. "This should be interesting."

"Why did she have to actually come back here?" the afroed man said.

"You know my sister. Just getting her prize isn't enough; she has to gloat about to anybody else who didn't get it to prove her superiority."

"So you are the guys who found this, eh? How did you beat us, the Turks, to it?"

"Did you really expect the famous Maya Schroedinger to be outdone by a few pathetic Drifter wannabes like yourselves?"

"Psst...what's a drifter?" Elena whispered to Reno.

"Beats me," he said, charging his baton. "But it doesn't sound too respectful."

"Uh, sis, might I remind you what happened the last few times we tried to take something shiny from someone?"

"He's got a point. We've never actually taken any treasure in a fair fight from...well, anyone," the flying cat said

"Well, this time will be different! Its not that Virginia and her friends! It's just three wimps in suits! We've got them outnumbered! And all that one has is a stick!"

"...she's looking for excuses again."

"Well, she has a point. We are outnumbered," Rude said, adjusting his glasses.

"Yeah, well, we're Turks! We won't be beaten by a bunch of misfits!"

"And the numbers look equal to me," came a voice from behind Maya. She turned to see the barrel of a shotgun a pointed at her head, with a blond man in a white trenchcoat attached to the trugger.

"Boss? What are you doing here?"

"You have to ask? Your mission results of late have been, well, pitiful. I figured I'd see how it is that my elite unit keeps coming back to Shinra empty-handed."

The three Turks forgot the fight for a minute so they could devote their full attention to looking sheepish. Meanwhile, the Shroedingers reassessed the situation...

"Say, sis, this 'Shinra' is that organization that's been destroying the planet, isn't it?"

"You know, I think you're right...say, if we beat them, we'll be heroes! Even Virginia will have to admit acknowledge me as her better!"

"Oh, please. Tell the truth - you want the Materia for yourself so you can sell it and prove you're better that way."

"Quiet, Shady!" Maya turned to the Shinra fighters, pointed dramatically, and with a mad gleam in her eye, said, "Alright, you four have crossed me for the last...well, I guess it's the first time, but...you won't get this gem! Now are you going to fight for it or run away?"

Alfred sighed. "We could have avoided this altogether if Sis wasn't so...well...herself."

"Can we just stop talking and start the fight..." Reno said.

Who wins this clash of the Ti...er...two different groups?

  • Rufus and the Turks prove that Shinra is #1 for a reason.
  • Maya and her band of misfits teach the others a lesson.
  • The Materia is destroyed, lost or otherwise rendered useless in the fight.
  • The Materia is activated in the fight, and destroys both groups.


SageAcrin
It was a fearsome struggle.

Shady and Rude were in a eternal struggle, wherein Rude attempted to use ground-based attacks on a cat that can float, while Shady was attempting to burn someone wearing a Zeidrich. Needless to say, both were getting pretty bored.

Todd and Reno were insulting each other's style sense. Todd was getting the upper hand.

Rufus and Alfred were in a slap fight. The resounding crack of sissy boy backhanding sissy boy would be a thing of legends, but thankfully no one was there that would later want to record it.

And Elena and Maya were splitting tea kept hot in a thermos and amiably mocking each other's teams.

Then, unfortunately, calamity struck.

As a especially well placed Alfred smack landed Rufus face first into Maya's chest.

After the brutal beating five people gave Rufus(Reno and Rude swiped some of the tea and watched.), it was, unfortunately, discovered that Rufus had somehow managed to swipe the Materia in the process of getting smacked into Maya's...torso.

And so, he invoked it.

(The Materia. Not the torso.)

And that's how Midgar was burnt to the ground.

Why Midgar? Well, when Maya saw Rufus start to transform, she quickly shoved a Teleport Gem into his hands and teleported him there.

(How she knew where Midgar was is a story for another time. Suffice it to say that Maya has had some interesting adventures in other worlds, and that smart people can find an amazingly large amount of value to underdeveloped worlds in a giant mechanical trash heap.)

So, while Rufus may have won the Materia, pretty much all of his investments are kaput.

(Well, Junon would be fine. Except that Rufus isn't really that good at controlling his powers. Far worse than Yuri, in fact. So he torched half of the continent before he got it under control.)

Then again, that's no big deal.

After all, there's no place to go for him but up!

And up, and up. After all, he now has Seraphic Radience. Rufus' time in Godlike will come.

Well, until Yuri hears that Rufus' trying to have himself declared the World's Sexiest Harmonixer. Nothing good will come of that.


Shinra: 26
Schroedinger: 16
Materia destroyed: 4
Materia destroys: 24

Draco Ignifer
In the entire history of the world, there has only been one person who has managed to control the power of the Seraphic Radiance. A man so strong he was forever known as Godslayer because of his power. And even he needed a rematch.

This, of course whoever wins is going to end up growing wings, breasts, and an inexplicable urge to annihilate Shanghai. And, in all likelihood, will go through their former companions in short order first.

It will be a scene from hell... one of their own making.

Tide
Team Shinra - Has Rufus, Elena, Rude and Reno
Team Schrodinger - Has Maya, Afro-Butler Todd, Shady and Alfred

Battle Prowess:
Team Shinra - Has piddly damage from Rufus' Shotgun, Reno the PC destroyer and wuss elsewhere, Rude who can uh...punch things and hit them with lightning and Elena who has confusion and a couple of weak attacks.

Team Schrodinger - Has a big ass chain gun from Maya, Wild Bunch from Todd, Alfred and Shady now that they're grouped together, a sword from Todd with various attacks, weakish counter healing from Todd and some piddly damage from Alfred and Shady. Note also all 4 are boss characters.

Speed:
Team Shinra - Don't remember anything really noticable between all the turks. Rufus was fast (occassionally doubling Cloud) but the rest are all averagish.

Team Schrodinger - Alfred and Shady are slow. Meanwhile, Todd and Maya are fast.

Resulting Analysis:
So let's see...4 bosses, which can't be killed via Pyramid or affected by confusion. So right away, Reno and Elena are not as effective as they should be. Rufus is sad enough to be taken out individually by Alfred and Shady. And Rude + half effective Elena can't carry this much deadweight.

Meanwhile, the Schrodingers grouped together can actually use their group attack, although at the expense of Maya's Turn. This suddenly turns Shady and Alfred's damage into not so puny. They use that, to weaken the team a bit and most likely killing Rufus in a hit if not two. If the remaining turks attempt to gang up on Todd, Maya suddenly comes into play and Calamity Jane hurts. Plus to top it off, she's fast. And if they kill someone else other than Todd, they will be facing two fast characters as opposed to one. Oh, and Todd can counter heal too.

Conclusion -
Puny boss Alfred and Shady are going to have something to claim on their resumes. The turks should run away in shame while Rufus needs to upgrade his shotgun to something more powerful...say...like a BFG9000?