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Cripple Fight!
~Lance
Frustrated by his famous lack of success in the Dueling League, Gobi the fishy merchant has decided to return to his life as a money-grubbing shopkeeper. He set up a quaint little shop right outside the arena proper and is selling all manner of odds and ends, raking in quite a large sum of money by selling overpriced trinkets to unsuspecting tourists with loose purse strings. Who cared if his wares were useless, fragile, and overpriced as hell? He's making money - and he's finally regained some of the dignity he had lost after being branded a Puny. Ah yes, life is good for the fish man once more.
Yes, everything was going just fine until that fateful day when an unsatisfied customer decided to confront the dishonest merchant face-to-face. Gobi was busy counting a fat wad of cash after an easy day of business when an oddly-dressed man stormed up to the merchant. He was wearing flimsy-looking bronze armor, purple tights, and a plastic pendant with the words "Hero Medal" crudely scratched into it. The man had long blond hair sticking out from underneath a ridiculously-oversized hat and an air of arrogance about him...which Gobi immediately knew was going to be bothersome to deal with.
"Excusez moi," the man huffed as he placed a hand on his bony hip. "I presume you are ze owner of zis establishment?"
Gobi pocketed the money and glanced at the man with a shrewd eye. "Who wants to know?"
"Hmph! How very rude. You should use a more respectful tone to address a valiant man such as moi. I am ze legendary hero Pierre, and I demand a refund on zis music box you sold to moi yesterday! It does not work as you promised it would." Pierre thrust a small wooden box in Gobi's direction for emphasis.
"Sorry, pal. You must've missed the sign." Gobi pointed to the plank hanging near the counter with the words "No Refunds" painted on it.
"Is zat so? Very well. You have left moi with no choice." Pierre drew his sword and assumed a battle stance. "I shall simply have to teach mon fishy some manners!"
"Ooooh, you are askin' for a beatdown," Gobi said as he pulled a trident from behind the counter. "Caveat emptor! If you want my money, you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead fins!"
By now, Pierre's distinctive yelling had drawn a substantial crowd to the shop, eager to watch the encounter between Gobi and Pierre. Somewhere in the sea of faces, a little boy shouted the only words that can properly describe what was about to happen:
"CRIPPLE FIGHT!"
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SageAcrin
Pierre and Gobi, being civilized, decided to take their match outside the shop.
It was a lightning speed match, as both danced back and forth, sword and spear battling one another in a storm of blows.
The crowd cheered.
It was a strange crowd, but never mind that.
Gobi seemed to have the edge of longer range, too, but Pierre, with brilliant uptake, cut off part of Gobi's spear handle! In the match of wits, Pierre had indeed won.
Then Orlandu Holy Explosioned both of them out of the way.
As he sheathed his sword, he ran on towards the flaming arena.
Sometimes, a knight has to do what he must to do what's right, and he needed to be at the arena after that explosion. Missiles? Beams? It clearly was a place for a truly noble knight to be.
The crowd cheered.
It was a really strange crowd.
Who knew Gobi was rich or vain enough to hire a crowd, anyways? Granted, they cost birdseed.
Then again, who knew Pierre would drug them, in the hopes that this would make them cheer for him more?
The crowd, naturally, looted the store after.
And this is the story of how some drugged up heavily armed Pidgies rioted through town, burning and looting all within reach.
You don't hear about these things on the news.
I mean, they're Pidgies. "Within reach" is about four inches up.
There was a vast increase in the occurance of hotfoot cases for a while, though.
But this is the Duelling League. The machine gunning Imp riots were only a couple of days ago(Put down only a day ago by an extremely stiff wind.) and a few weeks before that, rabid Rabites ran wild through the streets, howling cutely at the moon.
You get used to these things.
Gobi: 12
Pierre: 29
Beatdown: 43
legendaryflyingfailure
"Ebb X!" Gobi paused for a moment somewhat confused by the lack of, well ANY result at all toward his spellcasting. By the time he realized his spells only worked underwater it was too late.
"Ah hah!" Piere launched a volly of merciless attacks intending to fillet the amphibious scam artist. Being a fish Gobi did have a natural fear of exactly that sort of death. Bracing himself for his inevitable doom Gobi was somewhat surprised when Pierre's sword bounced right off of his scaley skin.
"Ah forgive moi." Pierre's appeared embarrased by this turn of events. "Moi's sword it is a prop toy no?"
"Is that so eh?" Gobi suddenly felt an odd connection with the Frenchman. "I though you helped defeat some kind of giant monster or something?"
"No no no monsuer." Pierre said laughing. "Monsuer Serge defeated le Time Eater. Moi was of no help at all."
"Is that so?" Gobi asked. "So you were just a useless side charactor of no actual use in a fight too?"
"Oui."
So it seemed that two meaningless charactors would find new freindship and more importantly-no one had to die or be horribly maimed. But just then something terrible (albiet very funny) happened.
"RUN FOR YOU LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!"
Zidane tribal rushed past the unfortunate wannabes pursued by a distrubed and highly sadistic Tonberry with a love for oragami.
"Wonder what that was all about?" Gobi said thoughtfully.
"I'm a pretty princess."
Charmless flew past the two of them with what appeared to be a TV on his head. "Well well what have we here?"
Ghaleon's chilling voice sounded behind them.
"Oh shit."
"Hey wait I thought you were French?"
"Le shit."
....Several hours later....
"OH GOD THE PAIN!"
"SOMEONE JUST KILL ME!"
"I won't hurt so much if you just let me finish..."
"PLEASE NO DON'T AHHHHHAHHHHHRRRGRGGGGHHHHHH"
Several hours after that
"I DON'T BEND THAT W-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY."
And just a little while after that.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRGGHHHHHHH"
29 DAYS 14 HOURS 17 MINUTES 51 SECONDS 624 BROKEN BONES AND SEVERAL ACTS OF SODOMY LATER
"Pierre?"
"Gobi?"
"I hear a 16 bit laugh..."
"I do too..."
"Do you think it's over...?"
Taishyr
Specifically, Altima stepped in, and promptly grabbed Gobi by the throat.
"So this is where you've been hiding, you little, lame, good-for-nothing excuse for a vendor," she hissed. "How... how DARE you sell me fraudulent merchandise?!?"
Gobi gulped as much as possible and choked out, "Mad-madam, I do no-not know what you're..."
Altima raised her hand to Gobi's face, showing a bright pink ring. "You told me, you little mud-slug, that this ring would protect me from that Nate's LightAll spell! I got pulverized! How can you even justify this?"
"Cav-caveat empto-"
A blast of energy surged straight into Gobi, breaking the back wall of his building. Altima grabbed Gobi's money pouch and turned to leave.
"Madam! Some of zat money is mine! I, too-" Pierre said, just before he turned into a statue at Altima's glare. She took the money and carried it off, leaving the crowd in shock.
Gatewalker
Sure, Pierre is pretty bad, but with all three pieces of 'hero' equipment he's actually usable(to an extent).
Gobi, on the other hand, isn't usable unless he's either fused with Karn or underwater. Niether of which apply at the moment.
Game, set and match. The phoney french fop fillets the frikkin' fish.
Draco Ignifer
Gobi has an advantage over Pierre. Like Aquaman, he's only useless when he's fighting out of the water. Once in it, he's... well... semi-non-useless? Regardless, Pierre is useless everywhere. But if Gobi goes for the water, he's going to leave the cash register unguarded, which is what Pierre's fighting for. Gobi doesn't have an advantage anymore.
Pierre has an advantage over Gobi. Though he sucks, he can equip a variety of elements. Further, since he gets element slots at the same rate as the strongest members of his group, he can equip summons. Since Gobi can only attack, he can use summons. Summons do not suck. Pierre has the upper hand now.
Gobi and Pierre both have friends. Pierre's friends consist of a person he once snubbed because he had a really, REALLY bad hair day, and a bunch of random purposeless cast members, who really don't have any reason to care about him. Gobi's friends consist of a treasure hunter who requires him in order to use his ultimate power, and in order to get into the most lucrative hordes full of loot... and who, when irritatedly trying to figure out why Gobi isn't able to fuse with him, will discover him locked in... heh... mortal combat. And since he can't use the Puka fusion when Gobi's knocked out, and Pierre's use of elements is about to, Doof steps into the ring.
Call it a hunch, but I don't think Pierre has the upper hand anymore. Or the lower hand. Or limbs.
Belsornig
As fire emblem has taught us, spears beat swords. a trident is considered a spear. Pierre:SCUM! (SWEARING IN FRENCH)
Gobi: screw you. (sticks him with trident)yawn. that was boring
Octillus
Cripple fight?
Oh come on, you know with all of the crazily fanatically good heroes out there like Steiner or someone else that'll allow this to transpire. Pierre could end up stabbing himself in the face, or even worse, joining someone's battle party.
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