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Sigurd (Suikoden IV) |
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Sigurd has had an easy season. Ah spoon-wielding healer? The slowest samurai ever? Nina the Third, fighting sans spells? These are not the best Light has to offer. But still, he has fought his way to the finals and a chance to upgrade. And what better way to start this last push to Middle than by taking a Light title away from Kain Highwind, the infamous Dragoon of Baron? Oh, his heavy armor may pose a problem for Sigurd's throwing knives, but with his trusty Water Rune, Sigurd can fend off the lancer's spear more than long enough to find the chinks in his armor and secure that vital last victory towards his much deserved upgrade. |
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The code of A Dragoon of Baron places honor and integrity above all else. And there's certainly nothing fair about staying out of your opponent's reach for an entire match, is there? Kain is here today to prove that he can fight - and win - as an honorable knight. His opponent has healing, certainly, but that won't hold Kain back. He won't even need to use his trademark jump here; All it will take is Kain's magnificent spearplay to defeat Sigurd. After all, healing gets you nowhere when your opponent can fell you with a couple of thrusts, does it? After this simple match, Kain will rightfully regain his position in Middle, cheered on by his legions of fans. |
Sei (In a dark and secret warehouse turned headquarters of a recently discovered organization) "Hello ladies and gentlemen of the W.U.D.A." Dart said to the people gathered before him "Before we begin discussing today's issue, I'd like to thank everyone who has helped make today's match possible, as well as congratulate Kain for his, heh... well-earned wins this season. Everyone, give Kain a give hand." Everyone applauded or gave whoops of joy as Dart said this. It hadn't been easy getting one of their own some time in the spotlight, but they were able to do it. "Now, for the next order of business. The Light Championship." The red dragoon continued while he steepled his fingers in front of him. "Now, as you all know, Kain's match is about to begin in a few minutes, and we still haven't gotten rid of Sigurd. So... do any of you have any plans to solve this problem?" "Can't we just pound him to an inch of his life like we did with Mio?" "Unfortunately, they upped security after last week. No, I say we wait for him near the entrance and axe him in the face really, really hard when he's alone!" "No you fool! The DL already knows we exist! They would quickly trace that back to use and disqualify Kain! But your plan has merit, we just need a weapon that they won't think came from us." "We could let a Gear do the dirty work for us. There are no dragoons in the XenoGears dimension, so they will probably think Sigurd just pissed one of them off." Everyone paused in their discussions and mulled this over. Finally Dart stood up, and slammed his hands against the table. "Excellent idea mysterious and suspiscious-looking cowled figure! But where can we get a Gear like that?" he said, shortly before the roof caved in and a giant metallic foot stomped Shana into a bloody paste. "Hey guys!" Bart's voice screamed out of the Andvari's speakers, "Sigurd there told me that there's a party going on here, and I simply couldn't refuse requests from pirates named Sigurd!" Before the dragoons could react, the door of their secret hideout was blown away by strong gusts of wind, and Kika flew into the room, her twin blades ready and an army of pirates behind her. "Dammit, they've found us." Slust shouted as he drew his sword. "Don't worry everyone, it's just a big robot and some Suikoscrubs, we will not lo-urk." A shroud of darkness enveloped the knight of Muspelm, and he was dead after a few moments. The gathered dragoons turned towards the cowled figure, who had just thrown away his robes, revealing the glowing symbol of the Soul Eater. "That's for calling me a Suikoscrub." Ted deadpanned. The next to fall was Fogel, as a jolt of electricity paralyzed his entire body, leaving him wide open for a barrage of Water spells. The pirates had caused enough of a distraction for Mio and Lani to sneak in from the back door. Then a large wolf charged at Fenril, not dealing much damage but taking her down long enough for Lieza, Kika, and a good amount of pirates to join in the free-for-all. Then the pissed off acquaintances of Lieza, Lani and Mio arrived, and things got really silly. (Meanwhile, back in the Light arena) Kain was starting to get nervous. He was sure the W.U.D.A. was supposed to have dealt with Sigurd by now, yet here he is, still healthy and fighting. He doesn't know how long he can hold out, his Blood Spear just keeps on missing the bloody pirate. And just when he thinks he's got lucky enough... "Drops of Kindness!" He just brings out that Water Rune of his. And this match istaking too long. He's sure one of them should have lost by now. If he didn't know better, he'd say Sigurd was holding back for some reason or another. Then he heard a tone that sounded vaguely like a marching song. "What the hell was that?" Kain said incredulously as Sigurd pulled out... a cell phone? "Hi, Sigurd here." the pirate said after he flipped open the mobile phone. "Oh, hi Sigurd! Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, they're done already? Great!" Kain wasn't sure what was going on, but he knew an opportunity when he saw one. He jumped with all his strength, intending to drop the pirate with a single blow. "Guess I should end this match then, eh? Thanks again, Siggy, I owe you one." And with that, Sigurd turned his cell phone off, put it back into his pocket, and casted Breath of Ice right before Kain could fall on his head. Now, as a damage spell, Breath of Ice is quite sucky, especially against someone like Kain who resists ice. However, as Suikoden V has shown, it can create gusts of wind powerful enough to push men back, even if they have a strong foothold. Kain, as he was in the air, didn't have any foothold at all, and as such, he was ejected out of the ring and out of the arena at an accelerated pace. "Well you three," Sigurd muttered to himself as he was awarded the Light championship, "it's all up to you now." (Back in the former headquarters of W.U.D.A.) "So, how long will it take before he arrives here?" Lieza said anxiously. "Since Sigurd ended the call thirty seconds ago, according to my calculations Kain should be arriving right about... now." Just as Mio finished saying that a large object crashed into the remains of the meeting table that the W.U.D.A. members sat around earlier. "Oww..." Kain muttered under his breath as he tried to stand up. "That was... cheap. Now where did I la- ohshit." Kain's eyes took in the surrounding, taking note of the rubble and the littered bodies of his comrades. Finally, his eyes settled on the three girls standing in front of him, wearing very scary smiles." "Hello, Kain." Lani said in a sing-song voice as she grinned at him sadistically. "Nice of you to drop in. Girls, hold him down." Kain struggled to move, to run away, to do anything as Lieza and Mio help his arms down, but his body was in severe pain from that belly flop of a landing. The fact that Mio's Stun Gun kept whatever functioning body part of his paralyzed wasn't helping matters much." "You did a very naughty thing cheating us of wins, Kain." Lani said as she fingered her axe. "A very naughty thing indeed. Do you know what I do to naughty boys, Kain? Do you, huh?" The mercenary said as she eyed the dragoon. As Kain was paralyzed, he did not speak. But he did feel his heart sink to the bottom of his stomach. "Well Kain, I'll show you what I do to naughty boys." Lani continued as she took a mighty swing on her axe and brought it down. (Three days later, in the Adult section of the Duelling League Souvenir Shop) "Why yes, Queen Brahne! You could have this special Dragon Knight body pillow for the low, low price of 10,000 gil!" The shop keep said as two men carried a rather grotesque pillow to the counter. "Special my good man?" The blue queen said suspiciously. "What makes it so special?" "Why, it's because it feels like a real Dragon Knight, my queen! The body feels like flesh, and it even grunts and squeaks when you sleep on it!" he replied, while rubbing his hands in that shadowy shop keep way. "Why, if I didn't know better, I'd say it's an actual, living human being! Minus arms, legs and tongue, of course." In fact, it even has a functioning..." here, the shop keep leaned closer to Brahne's ear and whispered. Brahne's blue face slowly turned crimson as her eyes grew larger. "Sold!" She screamed as she slapped down a bag of gil. "Steiner, please pick that body pillow up and bring it to my quarters." "Yes, my queen!" Steiner replied with a sharp salute. As he was picked up, Kain, the former dragon knight now body pillow whimpered. 'Why me,' he thought. Sigurd: 55 Pyro
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